need help

[maleuk123]

Hi I need some advice here on what to do next

For the last 3 years I have been in a relationship with someone who I care for deeply and love to bits she is an amazing women but has her how do I say this flaws

I’m not perfect but her main flaw is that she is struggling with substance abuse to a point her 2 children live with her mum and for the majority of the time she live with either me or at a drug dealers place!

Last yeat I had a very serious heart attack due to being a heavy smoker and not looking after myself 

I left the area to move in with my mum to recovery and then in march she came up here,

I got us a flat, and we have been living together pretty such ever since

Then in September on my birthday of all things I had found out that she had been cheating on me with someone she meet onlibne1

not just that but she hide her Facebook profile from me and changed her status

we spoke online and he would send me threating messages causing me stress that most likely lead to a retinal bleed

He came up her and we spend a few days together and I had to bit my tongue I was heart broken and felt like screaming 

He left and she stayed here

we spoke about why she did it, and she explained that she was lonely at the time she was staying ion a women’s shelter, unhappy and didn’t think we would last as my family aren’t her biggest fans due the addiction and when I had my heart attacker I was at home for 5 days alone also when she went to rehab 2 years ago she meet someone their and then ran off to be with him then came back and he bit me up

we still have a good times where we get one and work well together, she even went 6 days through withdrawal and then the guy sent her money and she was back using again I was proud she went 6 days without anything and if it was me I wouldn’t have sent her money then

I then got paid a week or so later and said no to giving her money she kicked off as said just you wait to see what happens to you etc, and I gave in 

When ever she speaks to him she is horrible to me and we dont get on so last week I said its him or me you cant have us both anymore

She explained that she didn’t want to burn her bridges with him just in case we fell out but I have explained a few times that is why we keep falling out!

he came up here to see her and the day before she told me that she didn’t want him to come up but her was coming up anyway

I knew how she want the conversation to go was for me to tell her to go with him have a weekend of sex and then be able to come back

I told her if she went with him then she might as well take all her stuff with her! I had to draw the line somewhere

At times I have been off with her when she off with me Tho and maybe haven’t made her feel welcome at times cos she makes me feel like that what she wants

whenever I try to talk about this with her she turns it around on me all the time and I drop it and say sorry

I had my car written off last week as well and got over 2k from insurance company, I wasn’t going to give her anything from it but did, and have now discovered she has stolen  about 1k from me as well

I’m not sure what to do next I cant speak to anyone really about this my friend and family would tell me to call police and kick her out

I dont want to speak to her family as they will be shocked and t might effect her relationship with them

she is in a recovery program but still using as of today but we have no money so not sure whats next!

I dont deserve any of this I know that but dont know what to do next 

I Love her to bits and want this to work out

 

[Batya33]

Love is not enough and IMO this is a very unhealthy relationship and I would stop interacting with this person.  I'm sorry. As far as the money she stole if you can prove it you might consider going to the police.  

[Sam1986]

Drop this relationship immediately.
There is nothing to discuss further here.
Not only is this a psychologically damaging relationship, but it's also causing you physical damage at this point.

Drop her immediately and start working on your self worth, because you need to realize that you are better than this and the toxic mess she is bringing into your life.

I've got no doubt that it will hurt at first, but you will be ten times better off in the long run. On the bright side, your life can (relationship wise) only go uphill from here on out once you get rid of her. Do yourself that favour.

[smackie9]

You need some intervention more so than her...Sorry but OMG get rid of her. The reason for her behaviour and addiction issues is she lacks impulse control. This could be because of brain defect or childhood history.....in any case YOU CAN'T SAVE HER. That is not your job. You are putting yourself in a horrible state being with this person, risking your health/life. You need to take care of yourself, and that means removing her. Seek out some counselling.

[catfeeder]

Attend Alanon meetings for people who love an addict, and do some research about why it’s important to leave addicts alone to hit their bottom and seek help on their own rather than enable them to subsist under your sabotage from allowing that to happen.

[maleuk123]

Thanks this is easier said than done,

her pharmacy  and doctors are on my road and she is living with me still 

just got paid and she owed over 500 quid was put on the spot  i said no shouted at her, called her a few horrible names and gave in again

I feel bad for both especially as she has been off with me for over 2 weeks now and for what i said

she said that i do this all the time now when i get but i wanted to talk to her all week about this but she wasn't interested and shut down most of our conversations 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, maleuk123 said:

  i said no shouted at her, called her a few horrible names and gave in again

Why are you abusing her? If you don't want to lend her money for drugs, don't. That way she can get the help she needs instead of staying in a relationship that's destructive and toxic to both of you. 

[maleuk123]

I

On 11/28/2023 at 10:41 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Why are you abusing her? If you don't want to lend her money for drugs, don't. That way she can get the help she needs instead of staying in a relationship that's destructive and toxic to both of you. 

TBH that hurts? i struggle to understnad how am I abusing her? yes I shouted at her but  only after she kicked off after i said no, and kind off threatened me saying you just wait to see what happens to you, not for the first time as well whilst the dealer and his GF sat here all waiting for me to be paid to pay off her debt! one of 2 that night her dept was over 500 quid an she will get someelse to send her money or steal or sell her body for sex to fund her habit 

I'm also going to say this believe it or not i am not having sex with her in exchange for this money so how is giving her money for drugs abuse if i was i could understand it and would be ashamed of myself even more

[boltnrun]

You could end this toxic, unhealthy attachment today but you are deliberately choosing to remain. It doesn't make sense to complain when you know very well who she is and what this is all about.

No, I didn't say it would be "easy". But neither is your life with her, is it?

[maleuk123]

how thou? kick her out on the street? where god know what will happen? 

The only places she could stay would be dealers or other adducts places where she would have no chance of escaping her situation?

what i would like is advice in how i say no to her without shouting at her un a calm manner

yes i am complaining i am struggling here and cant talk to anyone about it relly and just written it down helps

 

[HeartGoesOn]

16 minutes ago, maleuk123 said:

what i would like is advice in how i say no to her without shouting at her un a calm manner

"NO"   

 She knows she has you wrapped around her fingers, and it's working.  As long as you remain by her side she'll run with it, while nothing changes. She'll likely be singing a different tune if you say what you mean, and mean what you say.

[maleuk123]

3 hours ago, HeartGoesOn said:

"NO"   

 She knows she has you wrapped around her fingers, and it's working.  As long as you remain by her side she'll run with it, while nothing changes. She'll likely be singing a different tune if you say what you mean, and mean what you say.

what do you mean by that?

[boltnrun]

"I'm not giving you money". "No, you cannot bring your boyfriend/dealer over to spend the night/weekend/week." 

She throws a tantrum? "The answer is still no. If you keep acting like this you'll have to leave." Where she goes from there is her problem, not yours.

You are enabling her which is why she doesn't stop. 

[Capricorn3]

On 11/30/2023 at 4:08 AM, maleuk123 said:

 how is giving her money for drugs abuse

I think anyone who gives a drug addict money for drugs would be abuse.  That's enabling, so they stay and come back for more.  It's certainly not helping them in any way.

[maleuk123]

On 11/30/2023 at 10:15 PM, Capricorn3 said:

I think anyone who gives a drug addict money for drugs would be abuse.  That's enabling, so they stay and come back for more.  It's certainly not helping them in any way.

 i know its enapling, it just hurt that someone called it abuse tbh