Getting her back.....

[HeartBroke]

Hey, sup everyone...first post! Well here goes...

 

We were togethor for about 3 years, and I noticed that we were slowly seperating in the last two weeks. We were hanging out with our own friends and with work we were hardly seeing eachother. So she told me on the phone that she was going on a 4 day trip with her mom and friend from work (the friend is her moms age). So after they came back she didn't call me that day and I was getting worried. So I called her like 15 times and she finally answered and was like 'what'? I explained to her that I was scared of loosing and her and that I love her and she said no you dont and that she doesn't love me anymore. She says she feels different and that the love for me faded away. I was crying on the phone and was telling her that I cant live without her and she was my one and only. I asked her to give me another chance and she said no. (We broke up a year ago for four weeks and then she came back to me...) I told her I would change (and I did, for the most part anyways...) The reason she broke up before was because I was treating her like crap and giving my friends higher priority over her and then after we got togethor I didn't treat her bad, but I didn't treat her good and I was with my friends more than her. (Of course in the beginning after the break up I treated her like a queen and then it faded after a few months...) So, hope no one is confused lol...

Now all this that happened was on Monday so on tuesday (yesturday) I called her and she was on her way to work, she basically told me everything again that she didn't feel the same anymore and she wants to be friends and she was cying a little bit. I asked her what time she gets out of work so I can talk to her in person and she told me 9pm. So at 8:30 i was there waiting for her with flowers, when I gave them to her she chuckled and said 'this is going to fix things you know' and then she smiled. I told her that I love her and that I will always love you no matter what you do to me and that there is always going to be a place in my heart for you and that i cant live without her. I told her at the end of the convo that if she was going to break up with me that I would take the offer of being her friend because I rather have her as a friend than nothing at all. So then she said she had to go cuz she had a dinner date with her mom and I said ok. (her mom does that a lot, oh and BTW her mom HATES THE LIVING HELL OUT OF ME because shes racists and hates hispanics...w/e, but that never got between us cuz she knows her mom isn't doing the right thing.)

Anyways, so i told her to call me when she gets back from eating but she didn't so now I wake up today depressed as hell not eating and I dont feel like working. So how do I get her back? Do I try NC? I dunno what to do...can someone really just not love you anymore after three years? We have gone through everything togethor High school, graduation, trips togethor, we are in the same college, I mean there are so many good memories...I have known her for more than 4 years but we have only gone out for three. So...please help ...thanks!

[Day_Walker]

The only way you will get her back is if she wants to come back. Different people will tell you different things on this board, some believe that you need to move on while others will say that you can get your ex back. I will say that it is possible to get an ex back but its not probable. Given what she has said (that she doesnt love you anymore), I can see that you have a more difficult road ahead of you because attempting to get an ex back is hard enough but you are also dealing with her losing her feelings.

 

I would suggest that you dont go the route of attempting to get your ex back. Seeing how you have already acted with your ex in dealing with the break up it doesnt seem that you have the knowledge of human psychology and behavior in order to get her back.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Yup, they sure can. Especially when you haven't been treating them right.

 

She broke up with you before because you weren't treating her right. So then she comes back and you treat her well for a while, but then go back to same old, same old but just a little bit better than you used to be. What, she was supposed to be satisfied with that?

 

When you first fall in love with someone, you fall in love with the idea of them. If they continue to act well and treat you as you deserve, the love remains because the idea doesn't get too tarnished. But when someone acts as you have, eventually the idea is not good enough to sustain the relationship.

 

She probably has indeed fallen out of love with you and there's no way it will come back, at least not right now, because all the injustices you've done her are still fresh in her mind. If you want a shot with her, a REAL shot, and not for her to take you back just because she's lonely, then leave her alone, cultivate a friendship with her, and come back in a year. Then you can see what happens. But give her, and you, some time to heal and grow.

 

Good luck,

Sheila

[quing]

Cut it dead, stop calling her and pay your attention to yourself and others.

Get some pride and back bone, if she calls don't answer the first call, take the second and say 'yes' can 'I help you?

Be half busy, she will wonder what the hell is going on and will feel the change in the wind direction.

Don't get nasty and always be the one to end the telephone conversation first. stop being an annoying pityful little sh*t, (sorry to sound harsh)

Stop trying to make her feel sorry for you, she will probally want to shoot you before the days out if you don't change your needy ways now.

 

'NEEDYNESS IS REPULSIVE TO WOMEN'

 

Anyway take it from there but DON'T drive her away again by being a needy little drip, you are completely suffocating her and she will get a restraining order on you soon when it should be you getting a restraining order on her.

 

If you do not do this you are doomed to failure with her.

[heloladies21]

Situation is very confusing I know, but this didn't happen all of a sudden. Probably a few months ago she started thinking things and losing interest, she just decided all at once to let you know. Go into No Contact very quick and don't quit. Do all kinds of activities to keep your mind off of things, gym, work/school, friends, and party like it's 1999. And talk to other girls, it's very important too. Force yourself if you have to. See if she contacts you in next few weeks and be busy and cut conversation. See if she starts to chase you and try to earn you back because she's the one who hurt you.

 

And don't ever become her friend. If you did then you messed up.

[HeartBroke]

ok, thanks for the advice everyone...

I told her I would be her friend but that doesn't mean I would. I havn't called her for two days now which as I remember from the first breakup - it is the hardest thing to do...I guess Im going fully into NC now, wish me luck...and thanks again, will post with updates as they come along..

[HeartBroke]

Oh yeah, I just remembered that we have the same class for the summer. It starts on the 22nd of this month. Im guessing this is going to interfear with the NC?

[heloladies21]

No it won't, you can still do NC. Just don't look at her, don't talk to her. If she approaches you, be cool, give her a few minutes of convo, and then cut it short. Be busy with something. Same result, see if she starts calling, starts coming up to you all the time even after you keep brushing her off.

[nebbish]

neediness is repulsive to women-- except:

 

in the relationship they will want you to be, if not needy, then "open" about your "needs" and they want to feel wanted etc etc.

 

but then when you get dumped, the same traits that they claim they wanted in the relationship-- how you are feeling, how they are important to you, etc.-- becomes "needy." instead of making them feel secure, they now show you to be weak.

 

after all, in the relationship, you feel great-- you tell them you're happy, or they make you happy, or how much you like being with them-- but when you get dumped-- think about-- you feel like hell, you tell them that, you tell them the same thing about how you like being with them, how you do hate (instead of would hate) to be without them-- but now you're needy.

 

and it probably works the same way in reverse women to men.

 

the hardest advice and most difficult is also the best: just resign yourself to nc and move on.

[sillygoose]

dear dear HeartBroke, i'm so sorry for your pain. I have gone through a similar situation with my first boyfriend a few years back. We were together for 3 years. One day like a train, he called me up to tell me he fell out of love with me and he wanted to end it. When only a day before he was telling me he wanted to buy a webcam for me so he could see me everyday (we lived a ways away at the time). I had all my things changed so he couldn't contact me ever again. It was hard because i loved him more then anything. But i had to put my foot down. And i had to give me a chance to get over him and really let it end. Because we have broken up before. The same thing... he broke up with me... because i was doing something... i don't remember what. Now that i look back, i wasn't such a bad girlfriend. He'd just leave and come back a month later and tell me how much he missed me. And i changed whatever it was he asked of me because i was desperate. But it seemed like he was gonna keep doing that til i became perfect. That was never gonna happen.

 

There's only so much your heart can take until you have to stand up for yourself and move on. Believe it or not, making sure he wasn't going to come back was the best thing i ever did for myself. Why? I learned to be happy by myself. I concentrated on school and graduated with honors, and i gained alot of self-confidence which i had none of. I no longer relyed on him for my happiness. And i became stronger. He had me on my knees just like this girl has you on yours. Once is understandable if you love the person, repeatedly is not ok. You don't need this. Easier said then done, but begin your road of recovery, erase her number and her e-mail so your are not tempted. I'm sure you'll heal faster then i did. Good luck.