What should I do about my friend?

[Tinydance]

I've known one of my best friends for 20 years, since I was a teenager. We worked together only briefly but we really connected and became best friends. We used to catch up all the time in our early 20's but then didn't see each other as often when she settled down with her husband about 15 years ago. They have two small children together. Her husband is Jewish and his family originally came from Israel to Australia when he was a child. She's not Jewish herself.

In the last few years I've just been feeling a bit confused because I feel like my friend has been changing. A couple of years ago she was diagnosed with ADHD and started getting therapy for it and using dexamthetamine medication. She said she'd been really struggling with all these symptoms. But the thing is she literally never told me this and I thought we told each other everything. In all honesty I had never really noticed her having any ADHD symptoms which I found really strange. Her two children were also diagnosed one with ADHD and one with autism.

First of all I just want to mention that I don't want to start any debate about the Palestine and Israel war. I actually knew very little about it and I'm also not a political person at all. I'll be honest that I don't actually know that much about it still and feel a bit ignorant. I don't feel like I can really comment on it or take any side because I don't have knowledge of whose side I should be taking, etc.

Anyway, so I'm not sure if it's only to do with the Isreal and Palestine war, but my friend has been acting really mentally unstable. All she talks about basically 24/7 is that war. She's extremely anti Palestine and she's posting about it constantly on social media and talking about it absolutely constantly. I do understand where she's coming from of course because all her husband's extended family are in Isreal and one of his relatives was actually killed by Hamas.

What is concerning though is that my friend has become really angry and verbally aggressive. In my opinion she's displaying erratic behaviours. She's also telling me all these things that she's never told me ever before and we're really close and have known each other for 20 years.

She was looking up the Twitter of her ex from 20 years ago. He's not in her life or on her social media. She saw on his Twitter that he supports Palestine and she got really angry. She made a fake Twitter account and attacked him. She said she called him a rapist because she realised when they were dating he raped her. I'm not trying to doubt her but she never mentioned this to me before. 

Also she just told me that she's thinking of cutting her mother out of her life because her mother supports Palestine. She then told me that she's realised that her mother is probably a narcissist and that she was always emotionally abusive to her. That her mother always makes everything about herself and gaslights and she caused her so much trauma. I'm just really confused because again, she never told me anything like this about her mother at all. I actually thought that her and her Mum were really close. I got along well with her Mum and usually sent her a Christmas card. I even sometimes spent Christmas with their family when my own parents went away and I was single and on my own. I never noticed anything like this about her mother and thought she was nice??!

Also my friend follows this Australian celebrity feminist and that feminist was pro Palestine. So my friend started sending her all these messages on social media. Weirdly the celebrity was actually replying. Now my friend is engaged in some kind of ongoing argument with her.

The other day my friend said she was staying at a hotel for her work training and she had a mental breakdown and she was feeling suicidal. I asked her today if she's still seeing her therapist and she said: "Ha ha I know I'm acting crazy". 

I'm just really confused about what's going on because this doesn't seem like my best friend of 20 years that I know. I mean, it's clear that she's struggling with her mental health really badly and this is probably mostly what the issue is. What's really bizarre is she actually seemed fine and fairly normal up until Palestine attacked Isreal. I understand she has strong opinions about the war but it also seems like she's actually deliberately seeking people out who don't agree with her and trying to attack them.

I don't know what to think because prior to this she had never told me anything that bad about her mother. Now she said she's going to cut her off because she supports Palestine. And she called her ex who supports Palestine a rapist and she never said that before.

I'm feeling really uncomfortable about these behaviours but I can't just abandon my best friend...?

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

.   but I can't just abandon my best friend...?

Sorry this is happening. You can step away from her for the time being. Subtly reset your social media so that her rants and trolling don't affect you.  Unfollow, delete, block, mute or do whatever the social media apps have as remedies for rants and trolling.There's no need to support that. 

[Seraphim]

Maybe ask her what kind of help she needs from you? 

[Batya33]

If you are not up on the current events from reputable sources and don’t choose to be and don’t choose to be political that’s perfectly fine. And given those choices I’d completely stay out of any detailed discussions with her since you’re out of your element and it’s not an element you wish to be in. 
For example in my world homeschooling is a big Thing.  Meaning where I live. I don’t. I never will. I actually do know more than a little about it and I used to teach. I also know it’s highly sensitive and also can get political or have even religious overtones.  
So - full stop - I do not engage in any detailed discussions about it. If a friend is really into it I support in a general way. Meaning. I listen mostly and if I hear what seems like out there opinions about traditional schooling or school socialization - I - do not give input. I don’t go there. I can be her friend and supportive and not go there. 
Yesrs afo I had a friend who went off the rails about a medical issue. She was a self described hypochondriac. I didn’t recognize her anymore in our phone calls.  She was Uber focused on her symptoms , the doctors who she saw , the doctors who didn’t see her Or wouldn’t.  The internet searches she obsessively did. She sent me photos of her rashes and swelling. I didn’t ask to see. 
It got to a point where I did have to distance myself. I knew I couldn’t tell her she’d gone too far.  She wasn’t anywhere near ready to hear that. 
So I want to share this because as you can see there’s no easy answer. My go to answer is Stay. Out. Of it. Because you have no background for one thing. And it’s also ok to distance yourself if it becomes too much. In my first example it did not. In my second it did. What you’re referring to seems to be a highly charged highly sensitive subject to many. You can be there as a friend without getting into the weeds and it’s fine if you need to step away. 

[Cherylyn]

Your friend is really angry and verbally aggressive.  I don't care what people's reasons are.  They have no right to treat others badly.  It's not "why."  It's "what" regarding unacceptable and intolerable behaviors. 

A lot of people don't share everything with you.  They'll only say so much and the rest?  They keep to themselves because some information is either too painful,  embarrassing or both. 

As for what to do?  You wouldn't be abandoning your friend should you enforce strict boundaries with her or drift apart if you're left with no other recourse.  The best thing to do is back off and learn to avoid her because she isn't pleasant with you,  doesn't treat you with common decency and her behavior is very obnoxiously rude. 

I've known people similar to your friend.  It's beyond your control.  The best thing to do is save yourself.  You don't need ill behaved people in your life.  Savor your independent mind and surround yourself with very moral,  honorable people.  All the rest?  They can go to you know where for all you care.   🙄 This is my assessment which I apply to anyone who won't treat you with common sense respect.

[Tinydance]

Sorry I didn't end up commenting on all the replies I got on this post back in October. I just need some more advice on the situation with my best friend and whether I'm right to feel that something is not right here.

So only up until recently my friend was really verbally aggressive about being pro Israel in the conflict with Palestine. She actually got worse at one point because she quite regularly kept pushing me to post anti Palestine content on my own social media. She was also pushing me to go to pro Israel rallies. I found her comments really offensive because she kept saying that her and her husband lost friends over their friends not wanting to do pro Isreal activism. She'd say that people who don't do it are cowards and are just trying to be "woke" and politically correct. And that they're scared and don't have guts. And she'd say things like: "Julia is my real friend, she's going to the rally with me." I was getting really offended becuse I wasn't scared but I just was completely neutral about this war! I wasn't going to post opinions and beliefs on my social media which don't actually come from me.

In December my Dad died. A couple of days later my friend offered to come to my Mum's house where I was staying to support us. She did give us both a gift and sympathy card which was really nice of her. My parents' best friends also came over at the same time. They were sitting outside in the backyard and my friend and I were talking inside in the house. All of a sudden my friend took out a pack of cigarettes (I had no idea she smoked?!) She said she wanted to go out to the back garden to smoke. I said sorry but my Mum and her friends are there having a cup of tea and they are against smoking. But she said she really wanted to smoke so I had to go go out to the street with her. She had never smoked in the 20 years I've known her. And she said she was hiding it from her husband. I don't know if it's just me but I thought it was disrespectful that she wanted to smoke in front of my Mum and my Dad's best friends when my Dad had literally just died. And I did say that they don't like smoking but she didn't really seem to care. Also later she mentioned to me that she took up vaping. I actually don't care if people smoke or vape but she NEVER previously did it.

One thing I forgot to mention is that my friend got prescribed cannabis oil and she's been taking both the oil and her dexamthetamine medication every day or something. I was a bit concerned because she did a phone consultation with a doctor interstate to get the CBD oil. And I got the impression that she didn't tell the doctor that she also takes dex for her ADHD. Anyway since she's been taking those she seems to have become a completely different person. Her Mum said the same but my friend got really mad that she said that. And she keeps calling her mother a narcissist and "c" word so I've kept my mouth shut. By the way marijuana isn't legal where I live except on doctor's prescription for certain medical conditions.

A few weeks ago I randomly got a text message from my friend and all it was was a link to a website. The link was for a foot fetish website. I was sure it was a scam and that her phone was hacked. My friend and I hadn't been talking at all and she just sent the link randomly out of nowhere. So I told her to be careful and check her phone in case it was hacked. And she said: "Sorry that was actually from me. I was trying to send it to someone else. I'm going to sell my used socks on that foot fetish website and make lots of money." I was like, OK??! I asked her if her husband was OK with it or knew about it. And she said: "Yes and he's fine with me doing Only Fans too." I was like, OK? LOL The thing is I don't judge people who want to do sex work so that wasn't actually the part that bothered me. What bothered me is we are strictly platonic friends and she sent me a link to a hard core fetish sex site. I'm not into feet but also she sent me that completely unsolicited. And then she didn't really say anything and acted like it was totally normal? I mean even if it was a mistake but shouldn't she at least say something? Like: "Sorry I hope you didn't feel uncomfortable?"

Also recently she seems to have joined some kind of pyramid scheme. She's tried to get me to buy some kind of really expensive shampoo a few times. She claimed it was on a 65% special but it still cost like $170 for a shampoo, conditioner and a hair mask or something. I just ignored her and showed no interest.

One of her best friends of ten years has actually recently ended their friendship. She didn't exactly give a reason why. My friend was absolutely devastated and cried a lot. I was really supportive but I feel bad because I'm starting to feel a bit the same. 

[Capricorn3]

Sorry to say, but when reading your posts about this friend, she seems absolutely exhausting - sucks the life outta you.  I couldn't deal with so many issues.  I'd be done.  Pull the plug on this one - and I don't say this lightly, as long term friendships are a treasure, but when it get to this point and they're all over the map?  Yeah, I'd be done.  The very fact that another friend of hers recently ended their friendship says a lot (imo).

[Seraphim]

It sounds like a hard core drug issue . 

[Tinydance]

12 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Sorry to say, but when reading your posts about this friend, she seems absolutely exhausting - sucks the life outta you.  I couldn't deal with so many issues.  I'd be done.  Pull the plug on this one - and I don't say this lightly, as long term friendships are a treasure, but when it get to this point and they're all over the map?  Yeah, I'd be done.  The very fact that another friend of hers recently ended their friendship says a lot (imo).

Yeah I feel like you're right but I'm just feeling really disappointed 😞 I do have a number of close friends but in terms of female "besties" it's only her and one other girl. And I don't really understand why she's just completely changed. She had never smoked, had extreme political ideologies, did sex work or joined pyramid schemes. What my concern is, isn't that she's doing this in and of itself. Although I was super annoyed about her behaviours regarding the war. But the fact that all this started happening only in the last three years or so. Before that she was always the same person for 17 years. I'm trying to understand if this has anything to do with using the CBD oil and dexamthetamines together. Which maybe you're not allowed to do? How does someone just become completely someone else in a short period of time? And thing is she has two small children. And she used to say that her kids were terrified of the war in Israel and that someone was going to kill them. But we are in Australia so who was planting these thoughts in their head but her?

[Tinydance]

8 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

It sounds like a hard core drug issue . 

Yeah I was thinking the same thing. But I'm not sure how to bring it up because she seemed to get pretty mad when her mother brought it up.

Oh and she also did something else recently that was weird. She asked me if I wanted to go to a particular wine bar on a Friday night and said she had already made a reservation there. I assumed she was already going there with other friends and she was asking if I wanted to join them. I asked who else was going but she didn't reply. I said I'd get back to her if I was free. But soon afterwards she said: "Sorry I need to reschedule going to the wine bar." I said OK sure and waited to hear more. Then she didn't talk to me about anything and said she changed the reservation to the Friday the week after. She sent me the confirmation E-mail of the booking. And it said that it was for two people. So if I was the only person "going" with her then why did she already make the booking without ever talking to me first both times? She had no idea if I was even free. She just said the place was already booked and did I want to go.

[SophiaG]

Sounds like you two have grown apart. Sad as it is I'd distance myself before the last bit of friendship is gone. 

[Tinydance]

11 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Sounds like you two have grown apart. Sad as it is I'd distance myself before the last bit of friendship is gone. 

Well it seems to me that on her end she actually does still value the friendship. She especially began to reach out to me more after her other best friend of ten years ended the friendship. But to me it seems she just all of a sudden changed and became someone else. Seemingly overnight. And the problem about someone changing drastically is that maybe I wouldn't have been friends with this type of person before. For example, I'm really not very political. I do keep up to date here and there on current affairs but I'm not interested in attending rallies or posting political propaganda. And this is something that completely consumed her whole life and all she ever talked about. So if I'd only just met her I'd very likely think that this is someone I have nothing in common with.

I think I'll try to distance myself at the moment and just see what unfolds. I'm also considering talking to her about how much she's changed. But I'm worried what if it's not the drugs but it's just her? I actually have another close friend of 25 years with severe ADHD. They've been on dexamthetamines for probably ten years at this point. But they haven't changed even one bit. In fact they've really improved because their ADHD symptoms improved.

[SophiaG]

11 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

she actually does still value the friendship

I meant the friendship from your end but sure, she's clinging onto you now as she's losing other friends. I wouldn't call it valuing the friendship if she's basically ignoring your wants and likes and pushing you to do things you're uncomfortable with for her. Even not considering the political differences etc. she just seems like a very selfish and inconsiderate person now.

13 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

So if I'd only just met her I'd very likely think that this is someone I have nothing in common with.

When we are in a relationship we continue choosing to be with our partner. If, at some point, you've grown apart so much that the partner is nothing like who you fell in love with the relationship is probably doomed. I think the same goes for friendship - when a friend becomes someone you basically wouldn't want to be friends with, it's probably run its course.