Boyfriend and his parents

[Louisee]

This is a long post and I’m just here for some advice really, so about a year ago me and my partner moved in with his parents to save for a mortgage after renting. 
His dad will make comments towards me under his breath calling me names like *** & tramp  when I question this with my boyfriend he says it’s a joke and laugh it off it’s just the way his dad is apparently. 
His mum, will constantly bring up my partners ex ( they broke up 6 years ago) and I’ve been with him 3 years. She’ll tell me how she’s ‘so pretty’ and will always be part of the ‘family’  my partner ensures me that she’s not part of the family and he’s not spoken to her in 6 years. She’ll make comments about me being ‘plus size’ (I’m a size 12) telling me I shouldn’t wear bikinis on holiday and I should cover up for example.  She has recently started making comments like ‘ my son will chose me over anyone’ ‘he’ll always be my boy’ she’ll smack his bum and look me in the face and say ‘only I can do that I’m his mum’ 

I’ve always been independent so like doing my own cooking and cleaning, she’ll make comments like ‘ I can cook better than you and tells her son she’ll make him whatever I’ve made better.  It’s got to the point where whenever we cook she’s in the kitchen making comments and try’s to convince my partner to have what she’s cooking ( sometimes we do eat what she cooks but it’s not to my liking as she cooks everything in a fat fryer🤣) there’s so much more that they say and do. 

whenever I mention to my partner how all these comments being made to me make me feel it always results in an argument,  I just feel like they want there son all to them selfs but he’s 28 now and it’s putting me off  wanting a future with him and his family because there so invasive in our relationship.

i don’t know what to think😩

[catfeeder]

You’re a fully grown adult with the ability to make your own decisions. If you voluntarily choose to live with abusive roommates, then you’re learning the consequences of that. However, you also own the right to make a better decision for yourself and move out of their home.

If BF opts to join you, you may need to save money more slowly, but you’ll enjoy a better quality of life. If he does not, then he’s showing you that he doesn’t value you as much as his own financial comfort.

Speaking only for myself, I wouldn’t be interested in maintaining a relationship with someone who wouldn’t prioritize my well being, so I’d have no trouble moving out this toxic household.

[MissCanuck]

17 minutes ago, Louisee said:

so about a year ago me and my partner moved in with his parents to save for a mortgage after renting. 

Start making a plan to move out. There is no way I would tolerate this abuse from these people for any reason. 

I would also seriously re-evaluate your relationship. Your boyfriend is enabling their mistreatment of you, which speaks volumes about him. He is just as much a part of the problem as they are. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Louisee said:

 a year ago me and my partner moved in with his parents to save for a mortgage after renting. 
His dad will make comments towards me under his breath calling me names like *** & tramp  

Sorry this is happening.  How long have you been together?

Where did you live before you lived with your BF and before you two moved in with his parents?  Do you and your BF both work full time?  Do you both try to be out more such as having second jobs? Do you have friends or family nearby? 

Unfortunately the only solution is to get out from under their roof. It's bad enough they have to support their 28 year old son, but his GF as well.

This doesn't excuse their rude bizarre behavior. You're seeing that your BFs family dynamic is somewhat abusive but your BF does not see it or care.

Perhaps he tolerates it because he doesn't want to bite the hand that feeds him, but it's definitely an ugly glimpse into the future if you stay with him.

Please start looking for alternative affordable accommodations. A room, house share, friends, family.... anything.

You need to move out asap. With or without him. 

[Louisee]

Thank you everyone. I just wanted to see if I was being ‘petty’ as I’m often called when mentioning my feelings and wanted an outsiders opinion. We’ve been together 3 years, I had my own rented house, moved out into another rented accommodation with my boyfriend when we met then to his parents.. we both work full time. I know it’s not ideal with the cost of living atm but I think moving out and renting again may be my only option atm ( will likely be without him) 

[Cherylyn]

It depends.  Since you're the girlfriend,  you have more choices.  You don't have to tolerate your boyfriend's parents.  You have the freedom to move out.  You don't have to be stuck with his parents.  It's better to have your own home so you won't have to interact with this form of abuse.

Is your boyfriend loyal to you?  Does he fear speaking up to his parents?  Does he refuse to get involved on your behalf?  Is he a coward?  Does he prefer to acquiesce and look the other way?  Or, will he do the right thing by defending you and protecting your name?  Those are the type of hard questions you need to ask yourself because this problem will not go away. 

If marriage is ever in the horizon,  if you marry your boyfriend,  you marry his family especially if they're local and if there is family togetherness at random,  for special occasions,  holidays or any time.  Think about the quality of your life.  Then you can determine which course of action to take to steer your life's direction.  Give yourself pause.  It's something to think about.  🫢

[rainbowsandroses]

59 minutes ago, Louisee said:

I just wanted to see if I was being ‘petty’ as I’m often called when mentioning my feelings and wanted an outsiders opinion.

HI @Louisee, addressing the above quote, the fact you need to question this deplorable situation would suggest your self-esteem and own self-worth are quite low.

To me and others, you are experiencing mental and emotional abuse.   You really shouldn't need to question or second guess your own feelings about that.  

Or allow yourself to be manipulated into believing your own feelings are not valid or "petty."

Who calls you petty when discussing how you feel about something that's troubling you?  

If it's your boyfriend, I would encourage you to rethink your relationship and take steps to emotionally and physically extricate yourself from it.

It can only bring you down further than you already are imo..

I'm really sorry.  But this is appalling, I wouldn't last one minute in an environment like that. 

 

 

[HeartGoesOn]

Despite how welcoming his parents may seem at first, it's likely they'll eventually see this as invading their space.  Keep in mind that blood is thicker than water, and you're an easier target. From what I've seen/heard, this type of set-up rarely works out.

As others have said, you're better off moving out with or without him. Also, what speaks volumes is his  refusal to see your side, or he simply doesn't care.

I'd be polite, say you're moving out, thank them, while in turn remaining the bigger person.

 

[Batya33]

Agree with all the others.  No amount of $ is worth living in this situation.  And if he is permitting them to treat you this way I'd reevaluate whether you should be with him.

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, Louisee said:

whenever I mention to my partner how all these comments being made to me make me feel it always results in an argument,  I just feel like they want there son all to them selfs but he’s 28 now and it’s putting me off  wanting a future with him and his family because there so invasive in our relationship.

No matter that you love your bf, the bad outweighs the good. This is all dealbreaker behavior. If he was a decent partner to you, the first time his parents said anything abusive to you, he would have told them that wasn't unacceptable and he wouldn't tolerate it, and if they repeated the offense, he would've put up distancing boundaries with them and been the one to suggest moving out.

He's grown up with this sot of manipulation and has learned it's easier for himself to not rock the boat. Even as you love him, he really can't love you in the way you deserve to allow you to be spoken to like this. In your shoes, I'd break up. In fact, I did break up with a Mama's boy who was my first true love as a teen. They never spoke to me like that, but there were other issues that I knew his mother's opinion would always come first over mine if we married. I've never regretted that decision. I'm sure you won't either. Take care.

[catfeeder]

Another thing to consider is whether this family is the ‘package’ you want for your future if you intend to raise children of your own.

[tattoobunnie]

So them slu*-shaming you and fat shaming you is your fault?  If someone called my daughter a Tramp, I'd have them in a headlock, whether or not it was true.  The fact that your "bf" says it's a joke, and to laugh it off, is how he truly is.  A person who thinks it's okay to say degrading things a woman, and claim it's funny. 

[Cherylyn]

Anytime a person says they love you but won't show it with their actions whether with you or not,  isn't really loving you IMHO.  He only loves you when it's convenient to love you and when it doesn't place himself at risk when other people are involved such as his relatives,  for example.  I'd beware if I were you.  ☹️  Those are major red flags.  He doesn't have your best interests at heart which means he's a very selfish, cowardly man.  He's only concerned about his standing with his parents and couldn't care less whatever is said about you.  That right there is what hurts the most and what you should see as extremely disappointing in his character.  He's not loyal to you.  You can't trust nor love a man who doesn't have your back.  😒  Whenever I've observed this disdainful,  deplorable trait in a person,  I don't want to be with them anymore and neither should you.  Or,  at least it should give you something to think about. 🤔