Following random women on social media

[TacticalLinguine]

With the risk of sounding completely unhinged; 

I asked my partner why he has random women in his “following” list on Instagram. There aren’t many but there are some. He said sometimes he mass follows, which means following randoms hoping to get a follow back. But sometimes, he said, he thinks “nice chick”, and follows. 
 

Why would he look at women like that on social media if he’s in a relationship? Is this okay? I don’t think he’d cheat, but the idea that he follows these women to see more of them makes me feel icky. 
 

My ex cheated on me on social media and was obsessed with looking at other women. So this is all hitting a vulnerable spot for me. 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Why would he look at women like that on social media if he’s in a relationship?

Masturbation material.

2 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Is this okay?

Depends on how you look at it. In my time we had magazines for that but I guess you cant interact with magazines as you can with social media. It all depends on you and if you think masturbation is acceptable activity or not. If he doesnt interact with them dont think there is worrying about cheating. But again, even this is maybe something you arent comfortable with.

Is it the same man?

If the problems are pilling up maybe it was better that you stayed apart when you broke up.

[Batya33]

Does he typically refer to women as "nice chick" other than as a complete random joke? I mean I find it tacky but -it's fine.  Back in the day people bought the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated and porn mags etc to gaze at hot bodies right? Also if they follow him back does that mean they then chat privately and decide to meet in person? Does it mean sexting?

[TacticalLinguine]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Masturbation material.

Depends on how you look at it. In my time we had magazines for that but I guess you cant interact with magazines as you can with social media. It all depends on you and if you think masturbation is acceptable activity or not. If he doesnt interact with them dont think there is worrying about cheating. But again, even this is maybe something you arent comfortable with.

Is it the same man?

If the problems are pilling up maybe it was better that you stayed apart when you broke up.

Same man. He reached out afterwards and things have been really great since that split. Although I do try to be a bit careful still. 
 

Porn is fine, it’s his private thing, as long as it doesn’t affect us. But having it on his Instagram feed, following them, occasionally liking the pictures, feels so weird to me.. He said he usually follows if they’re involved with his sport (martial arts), I’m not sure if that should make me feel better or not. I don’t do sports. I’m successful in other ways but not in ways he’s passionate about. I feel vulnerable saying this but seeing these fit, half naked, posed women does make me feel bad. 
 

He removed the really, sorry, “indecent” ones he had followed during the “mass following act” I mentioned, which I appreciate, but something in me still feels insecure. I can’t tell if it’s an issue? Or is it just my boundary? Then again I can’t expect my partner to be thinking the same way I do. Just trying to work this out.

[TacticalLinguine]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Does he typically refer to women as "nice chick" other than as a complete random joke? I mean I find it tacky but -it's fine.  Back in the day people bought the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated and porn mags etc to gaze at hot bodies right? Also if they follow him back does that mean they then chat privately and decide to meet in person? Does it mean sexting?

Yeah it was a bit tacky but he’s really blunt sometimes. Often I find it endearing but in situations like this it can be hurtful. He has ADHD and often speaks without thinking. He has worked on it, as he saw it hurt me sometimes. 
 

Thanks for your point of view. I try see it like this, just an online magazine sort of, but I keep spinning it in my head. Am I just trying to find an issue in this, I don’t know. I don’t fear him cheating, just after my last relationship I have a really confusing and blurred boundary there somewhere, I don’t know what is healthy and what isn’t. Sometimes I fear I might act controlling.

[Lambert]

2 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I can’t tell if it’s an issue? Or is it just my boundary? Then again I can’t expect my partner to be thinking the same way I do. Just trying to work this out

Only you know what your boundaries are.  

Can you explain how your boundary is different than an issue? 

Even without understanding how you are trying to find a way to justify this, you totally can expect whatever you want from a partner. it won't guarantee the partner will think that way. However, if this is what you need, it will weed out incompatible partners.

Is he also trying to work this out? or are you bending yourself into his needs?

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I can’t tell if it’s an issue? Or is it just my boundary? Then again I can’t expect my partner to be thinking the same way I do. Just trying to work this out.

I mean, you can. If you are not comfortable with his activities you are allowed not to be. And find somebody who wont do stuff like that. Lots of people are fine with a lots of stuff. Some even with extremes like sleeping with others. But that doesnt mean that you should be. For example, as you can see on the Forum, lots of women are not comfortable with the porn itself. And have a problem with partners engaging in that activity. Same with social media. As much as it made some stuff easier, it also brought that more personal component. For example, a friends sister few days ago published censored topless photo on Facebook. It made me think how I would explain something like that if some woman saw me opening Facebook and that showed up. And that is not some random woman who I have for friends, that is somebody who hangs out in the same crowd as me. Social media does create a lots of issues like this. Where somebody would be OK with activities like his and following random women on socials with liking their pics. While somebody else wouldnt. And that is OK, we all have boundaries.

So, you would just have to decide if this is something out of your standards and that you should be having issues as it would create a problem for later. Or something you can brush out as just him wanting something nice to look at and probably masturbating to it. 

[smackie9]

Don't have relationships with men who make your head spin with jealousy, and make you question their loyalty. You keep making excuses for this guy, thinking the issue will resolve itself. It's not going to change, and you are totally fooling yourself for thinking that it will.

[TacticalLinguine]

55 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Only you know what your boundaries are.  

Can you explain how your boundary is different than an issue? 

Even without understanding how you are trying to find a way to justify this, you totally can expect whatever you want from a partner. it won't guarantee the partner will think that way. However, if this is what you need, it will weed out incompatible partners.

Is he also trying to work this out? or are you bending yourself into his needs?

Well, this is why I’m struggling, not to make myself out to be a victim of some sort (I am not), but the boundaries I have today were all put into place after going through some really messed up things. That includes heavy addiction, alcoholism, cheating, domestic violence. I was never taught what’s healthy, my parents were incredibly neglectful. So I’m trying to get a feel for what most people think, so I don’t run off on my ego and insecurities. I don’t want to be dumb. 
 

My partner reacted really well when I brought this up. In the past guys have become defensive and accusatory, not him. He heard me out, understood, when I woke up in the morning he’d messaged me saying he’d removed any content that might make me uncomfortable. And today he assured he’s incredibly happy with me. 
 

I don’t want to be unreasonable and say he’s not allowed to follow any fitness influencer etc. Maybe his mindset is different than mine, I have to respect that. This is not a relationship I want to just throw away either. 

[TacticalLinguine]

17 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I mean, you can. If you are not comfortable with his activities you are allowed not to be. And find somebody who wont do stuff like that. Lots of people are fine with a lots of stuff. Some even with extremes like sleeping with others. But that doesnt mean that you should be. For example, as you can see on the Forum, lots of women are not comfortable with the porn itself. And have a problem with partners engaging in that activity. Same with social media. As much as it made some stuff easier, it also brought that more personal component. For example, a friends sister few days ago published censored topless photo on Facebook. It made me think how I would explain something like that if some woman saw me opening Facebook and that showed up. And that is not some random woman who I have for friends, that is somebody who hangs out in the same crowd as me. Social media does create a lots of issues like this. Where somebody would be OK with activities like his and following random women on socials with liking their pics. While somebody else wouldnt. And that is OK, we all have boundaries.

So, you would just have to decide if this is something out of your standards and that you should be having issues as it would create a problem for later. Or something you can brush out as just him wanting something nice to look at and probably masturbating to it. 

Thanks. You’re 100% right about social media making things more difficult, not just in romantic relationships but I feel my relationship with myself was also altered quite a bit thanks to social media. That’s the reason I am mostly “off-grid” these days. And I honestly don’t understand most of it. 
 

As I said, I get porn. I get it. I suppose what’s bothering me about Instagram is the interaction part? Merely the act of following someone specific and sometimes liking. I know it doesn’t take much, a tap or two, but that’s also so easy to not do. I feel like I’m nitpicking but my head is still spinning. 

[TacticalLinguine]

8 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Don't have relationships with men who make your head spin with jealousy, and make you question their loyalty. You keep making excuses for this guy, thinking the issue will resolve itself. It's not going to change, and you are totally fooling yourself for thinking that it will.

But I feel these are MY issues. I have created drama in this relationship. Saw it, owned it, and apologised for it when I noticed it. He’s also owned up his half and changed things. I’ve just noticed that when one issue is resolved, it’s almost like I go searching for another one. And I’m not sure if this is a find or not. 
 

I need to do better but not sure how because I’m not exactly sure what the issue is. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Yeah it was a bit tacky but he’s really blunt sometimes. Often I find it endearing but in situations like this it can be hurtful. He has ADHD and often speaks without thinking. He has worked on it, as he saw it hurt me sometimes. 
 

Thanks for your point of view. I try see it like this, just an online magazine sort of, but I keep spinning it in my head. Am I just trying to find an issue in this, I don’t know. I don’t fear him cheating, just after my last relationship I have a really confusing and blurred boundary there somewhere, I don’t know what is healthy and what isn’t. Sometimes I fear I might act controlling.

It has nothing to do with cheating. Stick to your values and find someone whose values are compatible with yours.  Whether it's actual "cheating" is irrelevant.  Would he tell his female boss she's a nice chick and excuse it as "oh you know I'm blunt and have no filter" or "I'm just being honest and I think you're a nice chick -sorry not sorry if that offends you"  

You do you -if you figure -I like how he blurts stuff out so if once in awhile he refers to women in a tacky way or says a racial slur oh well - that's fine.  But you seem to be looking for some external standard of cheating -I'd start with what are your internal values and standards?

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

But I feel these are MY issues. I have created drama in this relationship. Saw it, owned it, and apologised for it when I noticed it. He’s also owned up his half and changed things. I’ve just noticed that when one issue is resolved, it’s almost like I go searching for another one. And I’m not sure if this is a find or not. 
 

I need to do better but not sure how because I’m not exactly sure what the issue is. 

The issue is you haven't been honest with yourself about your goals/standards/values/boundaries so you just keep poking at minutae instead of asking whether you believe he is a person of character and integrity with values and goals that might be different in some respects but generally compatible with yours.

[lostandhurt]

2 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

one issue is resolved, it’s almost like I go searching for another one. And I’m not sure if this is a find or not

Because you know deep down this is not the guy for you, IG follows or not.

He is broke as a joke while you have a successful career.

You have grown up, he has not.

He wants to be a martial artist as a career which you know is a pipe dream.

He gives you crumbs of his time, not his priority.

 Either he grows up and figures out his life so he can be in an adult relationship or this will end soon.

These are his choices and like has been mentioned you are justifying and making excuses for who he is.  You cannot change him, his maturity level or ambition so either accept him for who he is or end this.

  Simply put you are not happy and content in this relationship so problems keep being exposed.  How much longer this will go on is the only question.

 Lost

[itsallgrand]

I haven't read your other posts but I am reading here there's other issues too.

On this alone, I'd find it uncomfortable if a grown man I was with did this. It's not about having a libido and masterbating but the judgement call to announce that to everyone on social media by following women who are looking to make cash or get attention by getting guys like him to follow etc. Just a bad look. 

[Jaunty]

In your post about breaking up, you said "he hurt me again."  

Is this the type of way he was hurting you?  Paying attention to other women?

[smackie9]

On 10/3/2023 at 7:13 AM, TacticalLinguine said:

But I feel these are MY issues. I have created drama in this relationship. Saw it, owned it, and apologised for it when I noticed it. He’s also owned up his half and changed things. I’ve just noticed that when one issue is resolved, it’s almost like I go searching for another one. And I’m not sure if this is a find or not. 
 

I need to do better but not sure how because I’m not exactly sure what the issue is. 

It's not you....he is the issue. You can't see that because you don't seem to have any self worth. We/Us here seem to all agree we would never put up with his behavior. He only has changed things enough to try and throw you off the scent.