Made Myself the Bad Guy for a Year. And Maybe I Am?

[LarryFlanders]

My EX cheated on me w/ multiple men and gave me an STD. But I'm not innocent either.

If anyone has some time to read this and offer any advice, insight, insult, etc. I would be incredibly grateful. I know this is a long read. And, yes, I'm in therapy.

There are two timelines in this story: Fall of 2020 and Fall of 2022.

My ex (25F) and I (29M) split back in November 22’ after 4 years together.

**Fall 2020**

My ex went through my phone and discovered that I had been engaging in an emotional affair. At the time I was defensive. It wasn't until I experienced her betrayal (later down the line) did I realize the true damage of my actions.

There was someone I was involved in before dating my ex that I remained friends w/. This person was a supervisor of mine where I worked. We would often text about work, her current relationship issues, mental health, etc. I recognize now that it was way too much communication for someone in a relationship. It crossed a line. She sent me nudes once or twice and instead of immediately shutting that *** down my responses would be along the lines of “lol I have a gf” or “I’m not gonna cheat, but looking good.”

There is no excuse, I know. Please destroy me in the comments if you wish. In hindsight I guess I just enjoyed the validation and compartmentalized the interactions. I viewed this person as a weird toxic friend/boss of mine who could be open with me and vice versa even tho there was no real desire. (Even on her end, she’s 20ish years older than me, and we always said there was never real feelings between us.)

I recognize that what I did was completely disrespectful to my partner. The inappropriate messages were sent nearly a year before my ex discovered them…and I had already blocked this person at the time of her discovery.

When my ex discovered this she was understandably heartbroken, totally caught off guard and looking back she must have felt that her reality was all a lie. I also felt disgusted, and I had a sense of "this isn’t who I am nor want to be."

I gave her all the space she needed. I told her I was willing to work through this, and that if she decided she wanted to remain with me that nothing like this would ever happen again (and it never did, nor did I ever once think about disrespecting her in that manner again.) I never blamed her once. I always told her it was my fault and my selfish behavior, etc.

So we got back together. And as much as I thought I was trying to make things work, I believe that my ex engaged in some rug sweeping and let her resentment build. I also recognize in hindsight that not cheating anymore wasn't actually the solution to the deeper problem, which is that my ex no longer felt safe, felt that I loved her, wanted to be with her, etc. This wasn't helped by the fact that I was delaying marriage until I felt I was in a better financial place. She always spoke of marriage, and I would somewhat brush it off for the time being, which led to further resentment. We had some ups and downs over the following two years, but for the most part things seemed good. Then in fall of 2022. Everything went crazy.

**Fall 2022**

One day my ex sits me down and discloses that she tested positive for chlamydia. Because of my prior incidents, I immediately start reassuring her that this was not me, I have never and would never physically cheat on her, etc.

She claims she doesn’t know how she got it. Then after a bunch of questions, she says it was from someone she slept with during our time apart (which was about two weeks) 2 years earlier.

I sensed in my gut that this was a lie, and for the following month I felt sick physically and mentally nearly every day. I repeatedly brought this up to my ex. We spoke a dozen times or so, where I would basically be breaking down in front of her, begging for honesty. She reassured me that she would never cheat, and reminded my that I was the one who stepped out of line before.

After a particularly horrible panic attack one night I decided to go through her phone and discover the following:

*- She cheated on me with her friends ex boyfriend a few days before telling me about the STD*

*- Within 24 hours of telling me about the STD she went out and had a one-night-stand*

*- Over the course of our relationship she had given her phone # out to at least 20 random men, and engaged in minor sexting with at least one*

I discovered all of this within 5 minutes of looking through her phone, and at that point I just stopped looking. (I regret this now as there are still so many unanswered questions.)

I confront her and she gives me the classic line of "We're soulmates" "We're meant to be" "I'll never stop fighting for us, even if you never forgive me," etc. She also completely denied sleeping w/ anyone, just admitted to everything besides actual sex. Even though I saw it in her phone. I didn't save any of that evidence, and in the haze of being gaslit and having my heart shattered I was ignoring the reality.

Within a week, she changes her tune and leaves.

**Fall of 2022 to today:**

During the first month or so, when I would hear from her...she directly blamed me for her actions. She said I turned her into this person. She said I'll never find someone better than her. She denied aspects of her cheating that I have legitimate proof of, even though I never screenshotted her messages. She's called me after leaving dates with new men. She has DM'd me on instagram after seeing photos of me (I lost 50 lbs since breakup and have been training for a marathon) saying "It's a shame you didn't have your *** together when you were mine." She has reached out to me roughly 15 times via FaceTime. On most of those calls she says, "I love you, I miss you baby," etc.

3 weeks ago she called for the first time in a few months. She asked me to come over, called me baby, said she loved me, etc. Again, as the weak person that I am, I discussed some of the ways I failed as a partner and gave her an ego boost.

The next day she asks to grab coffee. When we meet she basically says she is about to enter a new relationship and wants to make amends. Finally admitting to when she got the STD, which as I already knew, was not during our brief breakup two years ago. When I mention some of the things she says when she calls me, and how it is disrespectful to her 'new partner' she says things like, "well I think part of me will always love you, I didn't mean it in the way you think." She also hit me with one of these zingers: "Sometimes I feel like I never really knew you."

I got home from that interaction and blocked her immediately on everything. Felt like such a mind***.

About two weeks after that she posts a photo of her and her new guy. I have her blocked but a friend let me know.  

**If you have read this far:**

This past year has been the hardest period of life I have ever endured. My brain battles every day between a "reap what you sow" mindset, because of my prior actions, and also utter disgust at what she did to me, and the insane level of lies she told me.

I'm embarrassed and ashamed of myself for never really getting angry with her, and in most cases, continuing to apologize and blame her actions on my own failings as a partner. I regret not letting her 'lose me' as even though I don't ever contact her and I've never asked her to reconsider, I think she can sense that I would work things through If I could. I thought being respectful and hearing her out was the right thing to do. I feel as if I allowed her to wean off of me over the course of the last year. This chick gave me an STD, and I still tried to forgive and let her off the hook! I feel so weak. Maybe if I had taken a hard stance earlier on, we would have had a chance to work things out. 

Whenever I feel the pain of her betrayal I just feel the pain that I caused her years back. I guess it felt cathartic talking things through. Now it seems like it was all manipulation.

I just feel like I've lost. My ex is objectively out of my league. Any new partner of hers will surely be an upgrade over me. It's pathetic but I do believe her when she says I'll never find someone better. Plus, no one really gets to know the extent of her cheating. She lied to her family and friends. And there cannot be a true clean break because her brother-in-law is one of my best friends (he also doesn't know or care to know the full extent, I don't want to put him at odds with his own family). I chose to not drag her name through the mud for a year because of hopes we could work things out.

Does anyone have any insight into the actions of my ex? Why call me so recently if you have a new partner? Is it all to deal with guilt? Does anyone have any advice for fixing my shattered mental state? My ego so desperately wants her to feel some consequences for her actions.

I know there is no sense in re-hashing this over and over again to myself everyday. I suppose I'm just looking for some kind of narrative I can tell myself to help heal. The only silver lining I can find is that I would never, in any way, engage in any form of cheating ever again. This situation has shown me how traumatic infidelity can be.

Thank you to anyone who reads this. It means more than you know.

[Lambert]

7 minutes ago, LarryFlanders said:

but I do believe her when she says I'll never find someone better.

This is the actual lie you are telling yourself. 

Think about it she is a cheater, a liar, a user, a friend betrayer, a selfish disease spreader. And that's just the stuff we know about. You can do better!

I'm not trying to belittle your pain but a lot of your suffering is coming from you and the narrative you are telling yourself. 

No good can come from having this person in your life. 

You need to practice self love, self compassion. If you cant talk to a therapist,  get to the book store. 

Self love is being a strong self parent. Not allowing yourself to do things you know are damaging to yourself and not allowing yourself to make excuses for poor decisions and behavior.

And by poor decisions and behavior I mean the times you betrayed yourself by allowing this to continue.

I've been there.  I used to think giving people more changes would help them change.  No. Exact opposite. it helps them hurt me.

Work on yourself and your thoughts.  Get professional help and extract yourself from anybody and anything to do with her. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. It seems like you have insight into what happened. Keep taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health. Only take responsibility for your own actions and stuff. 

You dodged a bullet. If she likes to sleep around and spread STDs that's on her. Hopefully after this many years of drama and turmoil you've finally deleted and blocked her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. No reason to reminisce or ponder a bullet dodged.

[LarryFlanders]

46 minutes ago, Lambert said:

This is the actual lie you are telling yourself. 

Think about it she is a cheater, a liar, a user, a friend betrayer, a selfish disease spreader. And that's just the stuff we know about. You can do better!

Thank you for your insight! I'm trying to be hopeful that better things will come my way. This has clearly shaken my self-esteem. 

[LarryFlanders]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You dodged a bullet. 

You aren't the first person to tell me that. Thank you for your kind words! I'm still stuck on the notion that her new partner will have the better, non-bullet version of her. 

[boltnrun]

And a new partner for YOU will have a better, non-bullet version of you.

Hopefully you learned how painful betrayal is and will never, ever do that to someone you claim to love again. If so, you truly will be a better partner to someone who is right for you and who would never, ever betray you either.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, LarryFlanders said:

Does anyone have any advice for fixing my shattered mental state? My ego so desperately wants her to feel some consequences for her actions.

From what Ive discovered, there is literally no need for that. Ive been in a situations where I could have been very vengeful if I wanted. But always did say that, I dont really have to be "the hand of justice". And ultimately, none of the people that hurted me, did go good through life. Karma is a B.

For example, lets look at your example: She effectively have gone from blaming you that she sleped with half of the city and gave you a sexually transmitable desease, to berating you how you didnt had your S together, and finally saying how she loves you and misses you. Only to enter a new relationship after. Does that seems to you like somebody who is "winning"? Directionless promiscous woman who doesnt know where she hits when she walks around. 

You did win here. Since you did manage to get rid of somebody like that from your life. Imagine if you married somebody like that? Or had a kid with her? So be happy that you got out on time. And in time you will get over this and move on. Hopefully finding somebody way better.

[LarryFlanders]

44 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And a new partner for YOU will have a better, non-bullet version of you.

I appreciate your response! This pain has been unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I would never wish it upon anyone, and would definitely never inflict it on another in any capacity again. I wish I could turn back time, maybe it would have prevented her cheating... but this is the lesson I have learned. TY

[catfeeder]

Resilience is a learned skill, which means that we can adopt it as a goal at any time. That means researching to learn about it and the steps and the mind talk to build it.

One key thing resilient people do is take the pearls from every mistake and learn from them rather than dwell on what they can’t go back to change and damage themselves with that pointless loop.

Decide each morning whether you will ascend today to higher ground, or whether you will continue drilling a deeper hole to climb out of.

Also research ‘complicated grief’ and decide whether to pursue professionally trained help to move beyond it. If cost is an issue, contact any university that offers a PhD program in social work, counseling or clinical psychology, and make an appointment with a graduate candidate who will be supervised by a practicing doctor.

Head high and recognize that nobody gets through this place without making mistakes, and the bravest, most successful people keep making new ones because they are willing to test themselves over and over again.

[LarryFlanders]

33 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

One key thing resilient people do is take the pearls from every mistake and learn from them rather than dwell on what they can’t go back to change and damage themselves with that pointless loop.

Thank you so much for your insight. I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm great at "learning" not so good at conquering the "dwelling". I guess it does come down to deciding to not dwell, rather than just waiting it out. 

[boltnrun]

Oh, and don't subscribe to that tired adage "once a cheater always a cheater" with regard to yourself. Yes, cheating is a selfish behavior, but that doesn't mean someone can't vow to never do it again. I have been unfaithful in a relationship and I never will again. I don't want to be that person, so I won't. It is possible to make better choices and to learn from our past bad behavior. 

[catfeeder]

15 minutes ago, LarryFlanders said:

Thank you so much for your insight. I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm great at "learning" not so good at conquering the "dwelling". I guess it does come down to deciding to not dwell, rather than just waiting it out. 

Yep, very few things happen ‘to’ us or  ‘for’ us. We are the drivers. If you’re great at learning as you say, consider learning ways to redirect your focus onto productivity and building the kind of future you want.

Tend to the thinking and the actions and the interests you want to grow. Feed and water those instead of watering the weeds to grow those.

[LarryFlanders]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Does that seems to you like somebody who is "winning"? 

Thank you. Sometimes it is hard to see the situation objectively. I only say "winning" because it seems that her life is all peachy now, new friends, fun trips, new partner who seems more her speed. Just doesn't seem like there will be consequences for her. 

But like you said. Karma is a B. Time will tell. Thanks again!
 

[LarryFlanders]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

It is possible to make better choices and to learn from our past bad behavior. 

I agree. I know personally I would never inflict that sort of disrespect on anyone again. Is it bad that I want that adage to be true for her though? Lol. 

[boltnrun]

Hoping someone who hurt us to have their life crash and burn is a very human reaction but it's not particularly helpful. Especially if that person ends up thriving.

A better option is to make your own life be the way you want it. When that happens you won't even care what she's doing. And besides, I try to live by the Destiny's Child song Survivor:

Wishin' you the best
Pray that you are blessed
Bring much success, no stress, and lots of happiness
I'm better than that
I'm not gon' blast you on the radio
I'm better than that
I'm not gon' lie on you and your family, yo
I'm better than that
I'm not gon' hate on you in the magazines
I'm better than that
I'm not gon' compromise my Christianity
I'm better than that
You know I'm not gon' diss you on the Internet
'Cause my mama taught me better than that

[smackie9]

 

Nothing else to figure out really. Good people become toxic when they are with the wrong person. That's all it was...you two were wrong for each other. You both made each other sick in the head.

I have to ask....why did you have a need to come here when you are in therapy? Not getting anywhere with that? You might want to find a different one because not all therapists are alike.