Should I divorce my (28f) husband (47m) to protect my unborn twins?

[Anonymous And Concerned]

Hey. I’ve never posted here before, but this is urgent.

Important context for this: I come from a well-off background, and my husband is a “powerful” man with a position in the public eye (I’m not going to elaborate). We met three years ago, and we’ve been married for two. Because of his age, and the phase of his life, he’s been really eager to start a family, but I haven’t been so sure — I enjoy partying, and I was nervous to become a mother. I’m selfish.

About 12/13 weeks ago, we were getting ready for a small dinner party we were hosting for his colleagues and some friends, when he decides he wants some “fun”. However, earlier that day, I’d discovered he’d been flirting with a male colleague, so I was justifiably mad at him and rejected his advances. He gets annoyed, but drops it. 

Later on we have a heated argument about this, and other things and then he starts getting angry, and calling me some very derogatory and misogynistic names that I don’t think I can use here. Obviously, I have been nothing but loyal to him, so it hurts. I get a bit loud, so he smacks me so hard I fall down and hurt my back. This shocked me, because he’s slightly controlling, but aside from some kinkiness, he has *never* been physically aggressive or violent with me.
We’ve always worked really well together, and although we got married quickly (we got engaged 4 months into our relationship), I never saw this coming.

Afterwards we “made up” (yeah…), and I decided to forgive him. A few weeks later, I find out that I’m pregnant. I thought we took measures to prevent this, so I was visibly shocked and a little upset. He was mad at my reaction, and it turned into another heated argument where he yanked my hair, and pinned me against the wall. I was terrified, but I bit back and (wrongly) threatened to abort the baby, so he slapped me again.

Afterwards, he profusely apologised again, but I’m worried. Finding out that I’ve got twins has got me thinking. On the one hand, I can see him being a really good Dad. On the other, I fear for their safety as well as mine. 

But I don’t know if I can just divorce him! Our statuses make this such a hard situation, because the ramifications on our careers (particularly his) and personal lives could be massive. I also know that he would kick my ass in court, and I don’t want to lose the children. I feel like they would be safest where I can keep an eye on them, and if he gets full custody, that’s impossible. I’m scared that the consequences might outweigh the benefits, and I really, really love him. I’m mad about my husband, and cannot see myself living without him, truthfully. On many levels, I don’t want to leave him, but I’m worried. Is divorce the wisest course for us? Feel free to ask questions.

TLDR; my husband has started hitting me after two years of marriage — I’m pregnant with his twins and I’m worried that I might have to leave him.

[Seraphim]

Contact your family and have a plan and get out . This won’t get better . 

[Cherylyn]

Protect yourself and your soon-to-be twins.  Get out.  Stat.

[Coily]

This is genuinely heartbreaking to read.

Given that he's a man of power and position, it's a double edged sword. On one hand you could be vindictive and fry his abusive butt in a court of public opinion (and this is what I'd like to see happen to anyone who abuses a spouse). However you run the risk where he could be with the right crowd and make your life miserable.

I want to tell you to flee with your unborn twins, where ever you can be beyond his reach; but that's sadly not practical advice in all cases. You do need to look for way to remove yourself from this relationship, a whatever it takes attitude, rather than be trapped with someone who will likely escalate his abuse. The twins deserve better than to be raised in an abusive household, and you do too!!!!!!!You may have to look at leaving one day when this jerk is not at home, so you can try for a safe escape.

I wish all the best for you and your twins, may you find safety!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Anonymous And Concerned said:

 husband has started hitting me after two years of marriage — I’m pregnant with his twins and I’m worried that I might have to leave him.

When someone assaults you, you call the police. It's really that simple. You need a paper trail to win custody of your children. Report the abuse to your physician. 

He has you brainwashed and mesmerized into believing he's all powerful and above the law.  That's not the case. 

Quick involvement was the first red flag. So is apologizing every time he beats you up. He'll beat you up again and again. He'll beat up the children as well. Start documenting. Plan your departure. 

[Capricorn3]

He's physically abusive and the abuse will only escalate, no doubt about it.  You have to think about your children's future because the abuse will be aimed at them too.  Is that what you want for your children?  You know the answer to that.  The sooner you move out the house, the better.  See a lawyer asap.

[Lambert]

Escape now.  A person that uses physical punishment cannot be a good father.  

 

 

[boltnrun]

Do you want your children to experience seeing their mother slapped, hit, slammed against walls and being called awful names? Do you want those things to happen to them? 

ALL abusers apologize profusely (usually with fake tears in their eyes) because they want to keep abusing their victims. Not because they're truly sorry.

If you come from a wealthy family they certainly can help you obtain a strong, competent attorney. Please, for the sake of your children, move back to your family home and file for divorce. 

Oh, and he will either go all out trying to get you to come back with flowers and other extravagant gestures or he will become frighteningly angry and will threaten revenge and will vow to take the children away unless you come back. Do NOT fall for this! It won't be because he loves you so darn much but because he wants to continue to abuse you. Always remember this. 

[mylolita]

This is horrible OP, really horrible - I feel for you.

 

You have to leave, don’t tell him, make arrangements to stay in a safe place. You must press charges with the police for battery. If it happens again, take photo evidence of any bruising and call the police to make a report straight away.

 

Once he tries to get to you and weasel or threaten you back, tell him if he comes after you or the babies you’ll go public with the fact he is a homosexual. Lie and say you have evidence. I know it’s underhand, but off the top of my head this might be enough to keep him away, if he cares about his public image, etc. 

 

Really, I wish you the best of luck. You must protect yourself and your babies at all cost. The money doesn’t matter, just get yourselves safe - he will never change, and after they are born, it will only get worse.

 

x

[catfeeder]

Don’t rationalize sticking around for next time. You will thank yourself later for navigating what’s difficult today. Your babies need and deserve a healthy mother, not a beaten or dead one.

[mylolita]

Also OP,

 

If he is capable of hitting you around, imagine what he might be capable of doing to your babies? 
 

You must file a police report, and get away without telling him, to keep yourself safe - and file the report before leaving, so he doesn’t have a “she just left and kidnapped my unborn children” back up in court. You already filed the emotional and physical abuse with law enforcement.

 

x

[MissCanuck]

20 hours ago, Anonymous And Concerned said:

On the one hand, I can see him being a really good Dad

Nope. No "good dad" hurts their kids' mom and introduces violence into the family unit. So even if he never got physically aggressive with the children, he would still be behaving abusively towards them. 

And the much greater likelihood is that he will physically abuse them, too. 

Start documenting the abuse. Call a lawyer (secretly) and start making your exit plan. You need to get away from this person. 

[boltnrun]

My parents had screaming fights that sometimes turned physical. They divorced when I was ten and I'm in my late 50s now, but I still remember those fights. And no, they didn't physically abuse us kids but we still suffered greatly. None of is has been able to keep a marriage going. Think witnessing that violence didn't affect us? It did. 

Please protect your children and leave the abuser. 

[rainbowsandroses]

23 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My parents had screaming fights that sometimes turned physical. They divorced when I was ten and I'm in my late 50s now, but I still remember those fights. And no, they didn't physically abuse us kids but we still suffered greatly. None of is has been able to keep a marriage going. Think witnessing that violence didn't affect us? It did. 

Please protect your children and leave the abuser. 

Wow, I'm sorry you experienced that Bolt.

And agree the emotional scars from either experiencing abuse or witnessing it from loved ones are sometimes more severe and lingering than physical.

OP, I was in a similar situation as you although it never escalated to physical.

And sadly because of the mental and emotional trauma, I lost the baby through miscarriage.

Please take steps to extricate yourself from him and your marriage.  Your safety and the safety of your unborn twins should be the priority now.

Take care and good luck....  

[1a1a]

Reminds me of a book I read recently, The Younger Wife. But you have a very good head start on her because he hasn’t has lit you into thinking you injured yourself. 
 

Co signing with the rest, make that escape plan and get out, this will only get worse 

 

And my money is on he sabotaged your birth control. 

[Seraphim]

On 9/22/2023 at 3:51 PM, boltnrun said:

My parents had screaming fights that sometimes turned physical. They divorced when I was ten and I'm in my late 50s now, but I still remember those fights. And no, they didn't physically abuse us kids but we still suffered greatly. None of is has been able to keep a marriage going. Think witnessing that violence didn't affect us? It did. 

Please protect your children and leave the abuser. 

Exactly, my parents had horrendous screaming fights and physical violence against our mother from our father . My brother and I are massively impacted. We both have mental health issues. 

[poorlittlefish]

Another powerful man in the public eye who thinks it's OK to abuse women behind closed doors.  He thinks his position gives him the right to behave as he pleases, but you have to realise that you have power too - the power to get the heck out of there.  What if you stay and further down the line he puts you or the kids in hospital (or worse)?  Don't risk it, just because he's presumably got money and you live in a fancy house or whatever.  No man is worth getting injuries from, no matter who he is.