Anxiety/Past Relationship Issues

[anxiouspanda]

Hey all. I never thought I’d post on a forum for relationship advice but here goes. Long story short, after having numerous relationships end and becoming comfortable with being alone for the past two years, I finally found a girl who is just the absolute best person for me. She is funny, caring, sweet, kind, a hard worker. The only issue I’ve been struggling with is her ex wife. They were together for ten years. They still co-own four dogs together. They’re still extremely close friends. For some reason I can’t stop struggling with anxiety about this ex wife. My girlfriend has given me no reason to not trust her or believe her that it is totally over. It’s just a weird difficult situation and I am seriously struggling with comparing myself to the ex wife and second guessing myself in the relationship. Dealing with heavy anxiety from time to time that I’m sure is putting a strain on us. I’ve been doing my best to be very friendly with the ex wife and I help as much as I’m able with the dog situation. It’s just been super difficult for me. I’m unsure of how to better myself and make this less of a burden for my partner. Again I want to reiterate that she is nothing but amazing and supportive to me. But I had another anxiety attack today and it stressed her out and I feel like if this continues to happen it’s just going to create tension and negative feelings. I love her so very much and can’t stand to see myself causing stress for her. 
 

side note: I do suffer from undiagnosed anxiety and I’m not medicated for it. Unsure if that would help anything or not. But I’ve had some pretty bad experiences in past relationships that have really dampened my self-esteem, which has never been extremely high to begin with. 

[Batya33]

How long have you two been dating? It’s like they have kids together. What happens if you are together and need to relocate as far as the dogs ? Do you and her ex get along well ?

[anxiouspanda]

Just coming up on three months so fairly new, but she is worth everything. It is. It’s difficult to deal with sometimes, but the dogs have grown on me as well. They share them every week on and week off. The two live within two minutes of each other but she is planning to move to my small farm within the year, which is about 30 mins away. Her and I do get along pretty well, although it is extremely anxiety-inducing and awkward for me to be around both of them. But I try my best. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, anxiouspanda said:

Just coming up on three months so fairly new, but she is worth everything. It is. It’s difficult to deal with sometimes, but the dogs have grown on me as well. They share them every week on and week off. The two live within two minutes of each other but she is planning to move to my small farm within the year, which is about 30 mins away. Her and I do get along pretty well, although it is extremely anxiety-inducing and awkward for me to be around both of them. But I try my best. 

Sorry this is happening. Try to slow down and try not to befriend the ex this much. Part of it may be intrinsic anxiety (which you can see a physician and therapist for) but a part of this is that they're still massively involved and you might feel more like a third party than a new GF.

Step way back. Take a deep breath and try not to hang out with the two of them making this a sort of anxiety producing threesome. She doesn't seem ready to date and that may be where your panic attacks are coming from. It's your instincts kicking in that they have too much unfinished business.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, anxiouspanda said:

Just coming up on three months so fairly new, but she is worth everything. It is. It’s difficult to deal with sometimes, but the dogs have grown on me as well. They share them every week on and week off. The two live within two minutes of each other but she is planning to move to my small farm within the year, which is about 30 mins away. Her and I do get along pretty well, although it is extremely anxiety-inducing and awkward for me to be around both of them. But I try my best. 

I think you’re way too attached for only 3 months and way too fast to plan on sharing living space. Is it awkward because you see how close they still are ? Does the ex show respect and support for your role ?

[anxiouspanda]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Try to slow down and try not to befriend the ex this much. Part of it may be intrinsic anxiety (which you can see a physician and therapist for) but a part of this is that they're still massively involved and you might feel more like a third party than a new GF.

Step way back. Take a deep breath and try not to hang out with the two of them making this a sort of anxiety producing threesome. She doesn't seem ready to date and that may be where your panic attacks are coming from. It's your instincts kicking in that they have too much unfinished business.

I understand my girlfriend wanting to keep her in her life. She says they are way better friends than they were in a relationship. But I can’t stop myself from thinking she’s funnier than I am or will I ever get to that level of closeness with her and do the things they’ve done together. Am I too boring? Is my little farm life too mundane? I can’t quit thinking those thoughts. I also really don’t think my girlfriend plays a part. They are still close, but I trust her very much and know she loves me and is looking out for me. I feel like it is my self esteem and anxiety causing the problems. 

[anxiouspanda]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think you’re way too attached for only 3 months and way too fast to plan on sharing living space. Is it awkward because you see how close they still are ? Does the ex show respect and support for your role ?

We’ve tried our best to slow it down but we’re also both getting older. She’s been married once and she wants to not miss a second of life with me. I feel the same with her. She means so much to me already. She is truly a wonderful person. The ex was a big issue to begin with. She was jealous and angry about the situation and finally sought a therapist and went on meds so that helped a lot. She’s much better now and seems much more supportive. 

[MissCanuck]

14 minutes ago, anxiouspanda said:

The ex was a big issue to begin with. She was jealous and angry about the situation

What situation? Her ex-wife moving on with you?

I actually think there are a few red flags here and that your anxiety is telling you to slow this relationship down and not ignore the warning signs that it may not be right for you. 

15 minutes ago, anxiouspanda said:

We’ve tried our best to slow it down but we’re also both getting older

That's not a good reason to rush, especially when you're literally having anxiety attacks about this entire arrangement. It's your sign that you need to pump the brakes. 

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, anxiouspanda said:

. They still co-own four dogs together. They’re still extremely close friends.The two live within two minutes of each. My girlfriend has given me no reason to not trust her or believe her that it is totally over. 

Unfortunately your GF has given you every reason to believe they're still overly involved. Did they live together and now live in homes 2 minutes from each other? Basically they're still acting like a couple. 

Please trust your instincts. If you are having panic attacks and feel like you need medication in order to feel comfortable in a relationship, there's a lot of red flags you're trying to overlook.

[anxiouspanda]

17 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What situation? Her ex-wife moving on with you?

I actually think there are a few red flags here and that your anxiety is telling you to slow this relationship down and not ignore the warning signs that it may not be right for you. 

That's not a good reason to rush, especially when you're literally having anxiety attacks about this entire arrangement. It's your sign that you need to pump the brakes. 

The ex wife was upset and very jealous when my girlfriend and I first got together. She’s since gotten on medication and is doing a lot better and is much more supportive. My girlfriend has no feelings for her whatsoever other than those of a best friend. 

[anxiouspanda]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately your GF has given you every reason to believe they're still overly involved. Did they live together and now live in homes 2 minutes from each other? Basically they're still acting like a couple. 

Please trust your instincts. If you are having panic attacks and feel like you need medication in order to feel comfortable in a relationship, there's a lot of red flags you're trying to overlook.

I just don’t see it as her giving me reasons to be anxious. I see it as my past trauma just rearing its head. I trust her completely that it is over for her. The ex wife I’m not so sure is completely over it or ever will be. But I trust my girlfriend wholeheartedly. 

[boltnrun]

Do you have some aversion to getting treated for your anxiety?  Do you fear being put on medication or something?

Let's say you were diagnosed with diabetes.  Would you refuse to take medication?  Would you just keep feeling unwell and choose not to seek treatment for your symptoms?

[shouldhavelearned]

If you're not ready, you're not ready 

[anxiouspanda]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you have some aversion to getting treated for your anxiety?  Do you fear being put on medication or something?

Let's say you were diagnosed with diabetes.  Would you refuse to take medication?  Would you just keep feeling unwell and choose not to seek treatment for your symptoms?

Being on medication scares me. But I’ve also been told by a doctor when I was younger that it wasn’t severe enough and to just “try this and try that” and I guess I just gave up at that point. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, anxiouspanda said:

Being on medication scares me. But I’ve also been told by a doctor when I was younger that it wasn’t severe enough and to just “try this and try that” and I guess I just gave up at that point. 

So to continue with my analogy, if you were diagnosed with diabetes when you were younger would you refuse medication and just give up and let the symptoms take over your life?

I mean, if being anxious is enjoyable for you then of course there's no reason to seek treatment. But if it not only negatively impacts your life but is affecting the woman you say you love why wouldn't you take definitive steps to get better?

[anxiouspanda]

6 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

If you're not ready, you're not ready 

Do you think that’s what it boils down to? That I’m not seriously ready to be in a relationship? 

[anxiouspanda]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So to continue with my analogy, if you were diagnosed with diabetes when you were younger would you refuse medication and just give up and let the symptoms take over your life?

I mean, if being anxious is enjoyable for you then of course there's no reason to seek treatment. But if it not only negatively impacts your life but is affecting the woman you say you love why wouldn't you take definitive steps to get better?

I’ve been refused medical treatment in the past because it was not deemed severe enough. I’ve been in therapy. Therapy is incredibly expensive. I’m doing the absolute best I can right now. But I never said I was opposed to medication or taking it if it will help. 

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, anxiouspanda said:

I never said I was opposed to medication

No, you didn't. You said it "scares" you. I'm not sure why that is. Medication is something that treats a medical condition.

How recently have you talked to your doctor about your anxiety?

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, anxiouspanda said:

I just don’t see it as her giving me reasons to be anxious

Why do they live "two minutes from each other"? How long have they been separated/divorced?

Perhaps you don't want to see it because of the rosy glow but they are both still much too involved with each other. Even if your GF claims they're not. 

You seem like more of a witness to their relationship than being in a one-on-one relationship of your own.

[MissCanuck]

59 minutes ago, anxiouspanda said:

My girlfriend has no feelings for her whatsoever other than those of a best friend. 

I didn't ask about your girlfriend's feelings for her, but it's interesting you thought to mention that. 

58 minutes ago, anxiouspanda said:

I see it as my past trauma just rearing its head.

I think it's actually your common sense trying to tap you on the shoulder, and remind you that it's okay to not be comfortable with how close they are. I personally wouldn't be interested in dating someone who is that close to an ex. Don't try to force yourself to be fine with this if you're not. 

[Kwothe28]

There are some examples of people who are still close after divorce. I know a woman who divorced from one man mainly because they couldnt have kids. And married another years after. But still hangs with first one as they are still best friends after divorce. So, there are examples of it where it works.

However, having an ex there, especially that close, does raise some flags. And why is it there. Especially when that ex is actively jealous on your relationship. That is a recipe for a disaster and raised some serious red flags about your girlfriend and her ways of having and handling somebody like that. If you are not fine with that and it triggers anxiety, there is a very good reason for that. Because, well, very few people would be fine with it. Because in most cases it is considered a huge red flag and something you usually should run away from. Because again, it doesnt usually end well. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

I didn't ask about your girlfriend's feelings for her, but it's interesting you thought to mention that. 

I think it's actually your common sense trying to tap you on the shoulder, and remind you that it's okay to not be comfortable with how close they are. I personally wouldn't be interested in dating someone who is that close to an ex. Don't try to force yourself to be fine with this if you're not. 

Also how is it that it's ok for her to be "best friends" with a woman who badly wants her back? 

[boltnrun]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also how is it that it's ok for her to be "best friends" with a woman who badly wants her back? 

I agree. Untreated anxiety + this situation = panic attacks.

I found my anxiety decreased when I removed myself from people and situations that exacerbated it.