Need someone to listen

[Puch]

Hi All,

I'm tired being alone stuck in this situation, taking abuse and not able to do anything.  Atleast just want to speak out here.

We have been married for almost 10 years and since the start there were issues about my husband's lying about recreational drug use. I was naive to understand that after everytime I caught him lying, something will change next time. 

Sometimes he is atleast little apologetic but last year he was like a full time addict, abusing ecstasy almost every day. He had no remorse for his actions and told me to leave if I can't take it. It took me an entire year to gather courage and I finally made the decision to leave him.  But he convinced me to stay with what felt genuine regret at the time. 

I have given so much to this relationship and I again believed him.  It was short-lived few good months. Before he was back to taking drugs here n there behind my back. I knew he won't go 100% clean and this year he has done very few times. 

I have always been clear to him that just don't lie to me and I don't want to be around you if you are high. This year if I was not home and he did, I would just ignore for my peace of mind.

But it has happened a few times where he again lied to me while I know very well he was high,  gaslighting me by trying to make me feel like I have lost my mind and imagining things. I lose my sanity when he lies to my face and makes me look like a fool. 

2 weeks ago it again happened and I am just not able to move past. It's horrible timing as we are in middle of something important. He was apologetic but what's the point if it will happen again. 

I feel regret having trusted him in Dec. No words out of his mouth seem to have any truth. I never had much trust on him,  but last 2 weeks have shaken me up. 

And especially his response of gas lighting,  verbally abusing me. He doesn't want anyone else to know about his drugs issue and threatens me if I speak to anyone that he will ruin my life. I have spent thousands at the therapist but he doesn't want to go there. 

And this time it has just crossed more boundaries with his verbal abuse and turning into physical abuse. I'm in shock and just so regretting not going ahead with my decision of leaving.

Here to just vent out. I really needed to speak out.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Puch said:

 he was back to taking drugs here n there behind my back. I knew he won't go 100% clean . He doesn't want anyone else to know about his drugs issue and threatens me if I speak to anyone that he will ruin my life.  this time it has just crossed more boundaries with his verbal abuse and turning into physical abuse.

Please talk to your therapist about what is happening. Be honest with trusted friends and family about the abuse and try to enlist their help in extricating yourself from this.

Privately and confidentiality speak to an attorney. Don't tell your husband, argue, or threaten divorce, just act blah and plan your departure.

Please reach out for help information and support for dealing with addicts:

https://www.nar-anon.org/what-is-nar-anon

There's help for domestic violence also:

https://ncadv.org/learn-more

[Kwothe28]

38 minutes ago, Puch said:

I have always been clear to him that just don't lie to me and I don't want to be around you if you are high.

Yeah, that is a terrible thing to do with addicts. Addicts are almost always liers by default. They would lie to you about their habits, they would lie to you to get money for their habit etc. Its their "go to" mode when being confronted. And you chose to not only close your eyes about his addiction and when he does it, you also chose to trust the lier and allow him to gaslight you. Instead of just leaving his lying addict arse, you chosed to push that under the carpet. And then wondered why he doesnt change and why he is even becoming worst. Because he is a druggie with addiction. There is no closing eyes to that.

You need to first get out of there and find help, call the police on his lying abusive arse and then get a restraining order. There is no easy solution for this. If he raised his hand once, he would do it again. Get out of there and protect yourself.

Also, do you have any kids? Because if you do, you would need to protect them too from him.

[Puch]

No, we don't have kids. 

[shouldhavelearned]

That stinks

 

Stay strong and find a way out 

 

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, Puch said:

I'm in shock and just so regretting not going ahead with my decision of leaving.

There is no time like the present. Contact the human services department of your local hospital for a referral to a domestic violence shelter. This doesn't mean you need to stay at the shelter, it means you can meet with a social worker trained in helping people to exit potentially abusive relationships safely. 

[Puch]

Thanks for listening and sending your words.

I booked an appointment with therapist for tomorrow.

Last night things got very ugly, I had a very bad anxiety attack, was not able to control my crying, felt pain in my chest and ribs and was just having issues in breathing. I felt scared and so alone.

I am independent, have good friends and family, but I don't know how I got stuck like this. I tell others that they should never take abuse and feeling embarrassed to be suffering like this myself.

I can't just go away. Unfortunately even if I want its not the time. 

I have just tried to keep everything in back of my mind and trying to be as normal as possible in the house. I am tired of trying to have logical conversation and getting pushed down, screamed at, and talked to in abusive manner. I just want peace for now. 

I think i will just cry a lot at the therapist. But will see what happens.

 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Puch said:

I can't just go away. Unfortunately even if I want its not the time.  I am tired of trying to have logical conversation and getting pushed down, screamed at, and talked to in abusive manner.

Great you are going to a  therapist.  Please be frank with trusted friends and family about the abuse and enlist their help and support.

Please do not try to converse or explain or tell anything to your husband. It's like loading the gun he'll shoot you with. Sensitive information will only be used to hurt you.

Please don't try to reason with an abuser. They enjoy hurting you seeing you frightened and crying. It makes their sick egos happy.  Only talk about bland nothing things like what's for dinner etc. 

 The longer you stay, the worse it will get and the harder it will be to get out. Abuse is like quicksand. 

[smackie9]

You just need the support of friends and family to get yourself out of there. Having those who love you, will stand by you, and hold you up when you fall weak. IMO not all therapists are alike. Some are useless to the cause. Be more aggressive/honest in your sessions. Maybe you need to seek out a better one, or one that specializes in domestic abuse/addiction. 

[Puch]

I feel if I open up to a friend or family, it will be the end of whole thing. I will never be able to see myself in mirror and continue to stay in this marriage. Maybe I have some hope that it will get better is why I want to push forward or I'm just scared to be by myself. 

Trust me, there's no reason why I cant be alone. I have the means to make a life of my own. Why am I then suffering like this.

[Puch]

After giving all these years of my life, all my emotions, I deserve a happy marriage. All that I have endured and all that I have been through, I deserve more respect. Am I just scared of accepting defeat that I made a wrong choice and don't want to look stupid in front of whole world ?

 

[catfeeder]

You are allowed and entitled to get yourself to safety without a requirement that you disclose anything you're not ready to disclose. 

Speak with a domestic violence counselor to learn of options that are not disclosed to the public. From there you can make a plan that is your own-- nothing will be imposed on you.