Jump to content

How to deal with a breakup (when it's your fault)

Recommended Posts

Hello Forum.

I have been in a 1-year relationship that ended a few weeks ago.
Last summer I met this girl while I was still doing pickup.
At that time I was hooking up with another woman but I didn't like her that much. She had a way of thinking that I wasn't attracted and she had a child.
So I didn't consider her a serious partner.
On the other side girl J was a lot more appealing to me.
Cute, funny, and searching for a serious relationship.
I didn't tell her that I was dating another chick until she found out when I wasn't responding to her messages during one night.
Then one night girl J confronted me about it and I couldn't make up my mind and tell her what I wanted - in this case to be with her and not play around.
One thing that struck me was that she said - well I can be hookup with you but I will not involve any emotions whatsoever. This felt like a rejection and changed completely.
Then we got over this and I kind of chose her but I didn't explicitly say it. Then after a few dates, we had sex. I didn't like it much. Then on another night talking about the relationship I had trouble explaining why I was still hesitant about the relationship with girl J. Again I couldn't make up my mind. On the next day she blocked me (this was the second time). I felt again rejected I tried to contact her with messages on different platforms. I think on the next day I called her with a different number. We had an in-depth conversation and I felt bad and sorry for everything. Eventually, we started dating and relationship officially.
Everything was doing okay and sex was doing okay as well. We had trips and experiences together which was nice. But one trait and behavior that I see repeating the second time was my response when we were on a trip along the lines - I am spending too much money. Which can be translated to her - I don't want to spend time with you or time is awful.
I can skip a few months until Christmas. At the time I was thinking I should invite her to live me with but my apartment doesn't have good conditions, that's why she was hesitant about it. The other option was to find a new apartment but for me, it was too fast because we were in a relationship only for 6 months. (Both of us are in mid 30s). Important detail is that after my 20th birthday, I am living on my own without any roommates. Also one of the reasons for a breakup in my previous relationship (not girl J) was that I hadn't invited her to live with me.
Initially, I was thinking of starting searching at the end of the year (September 2023). But she got upset and my pleasing nature scrolled up through the calendar to start searching in February 2023. Then in the middle of January, I found a few places that we had viewing. There was only one good option out of five. Then we have decided to take this good option and not wait for new ones. When we signed the contract for the rent I was happy and we both looked happy. Until the moment we moved in. I started to compare how my previous appearance was a lot better. The lack of an elevator was an issue, the oven was not good, ACs were crappy. If you can think of a complainer that would be me. 
She was pretty cautious with my bickering and ***ing. I mean I didn't calm her down or anything. I was acting like a little boy and I was upset. I had thoughts that if sex was nice I would've accepted every other problem but my communication is terrible. I can't express anything. I will get angry because she does not understand my needs.
She has numerous times told me what she wants in a relationship. Her love language is words and I'm her worst nightmare - a person giving her silent treatment because I have trouble communicating. Also staying in the apartment instead of going out on dates. She wanted me to say good night before going to bed and I felt like a duty to me and got me frustrated and felt like too much work. Then I respond with anger and loud fashion - GOOD NIGHT. (If you want an example check how Christian Bale spoke as Batman in The Dark Knight). But she was doing the things I was requesting. Basically, she was doing a lot more and caring about the relationship than me. It was 80:20 in her favor.
She had a mental breakdown that really affected me emotionally I tried to be more conscious about the relationship but I wasn’t doing that much work on it. Still going with the flow and taking everything for granted.
These things were happening for a few months straight.
After a while, we planned something like a retreat to a spa. At the spa happened the same thing on the trip - I wish I was at home working.
At the beginning of July, we had a trip to another city and visited ComicCon. At ComicCon happened something like an emotional infidelity in front of her. Because I saw a girl that I know from previous years. Then I rushed to her and hugged her while breaking any personal space. My girlfriend got really angry and said "Hey please mind the personal space". Then I the girl waved that off easily. I completely didn't understand what I was doing and acted like I didn't care about my girlfriend's feelings. The next day, we talked about it and she asked me directly if you could choose me or her what would you choose. I responded well there is an option of not choosing whatsoever. At that time I was planning to break up with her.
One important thing I need to mention is that when I was out with her I was looking at other girls ALWAYS. I base this on pickup habits.
Next week she tried to make up for it by making dinner, dressing up, and putting up some candles. When I saw it I got upset because I was already planning the breakup. I went along with the dinner and after the dinner, she was expecting to make love at the end of the dinner but I went to do my daily meditation without telling her anything. She asked me are you going to come? do you have work? I shouted at her I have stuff to do leave me. After I finished my meditation I went to her to get the sex, she was already not in the mood (removed her makeup and the dress). She rejected me and I had a temper tantrum by slamming the door. She didn't realize what happened then she came to the bedroom and I was completely shut off and I didn't want to do anything about it.
The next day after a night out I told her in bed that I wanted to break up and set an expiration date so we could have a good time before moving out with each other. She didn't like this because she saw it as my ego wanting to get all of her and then dump her. Anyway in the morning I felt really bad about my decision. Her good character spoke that I needed to make up my mind whether I wanted to be with her or not. You can guess what happened. I didn't make up my mind. I didn't ask friends, or consult with someone. I was just waiting for something to happen. Then eventually she made the decision for me and decided that it was over.
In the time that left we were together in the apartment We had a good time and I tried to be respectful to her. But she already had made a choice. This became relevant the moment she moved out and started living in her apartment because she became completely distant and cold. She didn't take any of the gifts that I had given to her. She refused to go out to a restaurant.
These last rejections built up the desire to get back and I tried to make up for it with flowers and chocolates. But she was firm, even playing the card that she was in a relationship.
This is my story.
I would appreciate it if you show me some insight as a bystander.
Currently, I am in a not good emotional state.
I am organizing my life to start therapy.
P.S. Funnily, after a breakup, I always try to get back together. This it the third official time that happened to me. 

Link to comment

You treated her horribly and only acted nice when she broke up with you. It's the proverbial child who doesn't care about his toy truck until it gets taken away, then suddenly it's his favorite toy.

You don't love her, your ego just took a hit because she's no longer fawning over you. I would encourage her to stay away from you and to NOT accept your attempts to reconcile because they're not sincere.

Why do you have such a low opinion of women? Referring to them as "chicks" and talking about "getting sex" from them. Until you treat women lovingly and with respect this will keep happening and you will leave a trail of hurt women behind you while you end up alone. 

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment

Yikes, this is a hot mess of a post.

You need to massively rethink the way you approach relationships. You come across as someone who skated through hookup culture, and have difficulty with emotional depth as a result. Which, I would argue, comes from very little weight being given to sex by both men and women.

Are you someone who bounces from "relationship" to "relationship" without a much down time to evaluate what you value in a relationship, and what your long-term goals look like?

You need a self renaissance to start moving beyond this cycle of confusing sexual gratification and attention and a healthy relationship.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
2 hours ago, OucTICYc said:

  the desire to get back and I tried to make up for it with flowers and chocolates. But she was firm, even playing the card that she was in a relationship..
I am organizing my life to start therapy.

Good you're thinking about therapy. You seem to have insight that treating women like trash will make them leave.

Once someone moves out it's over. Try not to get her back. She could file a complaint of stalking and harassment. Focus on getting your act together.

Link to comment
8 hours ago, OucTICYc said:

She wanted me to say good night before going to bed

Oh the horrors!!!! Next thing you will tell me that she wanted you to put the toilet seat down. How dare she! She is a monster!!!!

Anyway, I was being ironic. She asked you pretty basic stuff. And you acted like she asked you to unscrew your D from your balls and give it to her to wear it as a trophy. Some people are just difficult to be in a relationship with. Because to be in one, you have to be a bit adaptable and not just "Me me me" type of person. That means that you would sometimes do stuff you are not that comfortable with and even not answer every time when you disagree, especially like you did it with her and literally shouted. You are not that person. And I trully hope you will take time to try to fix that during therapy. 

I am not absolving her of guilt. Dont think she has very healthy communication also. But this stuff is on you. You literally had a problem with saying "Good night" to her. At that point you should be wondering whether you are a good fit to be in a relationship with anyone at all.

  • Like 2
Link to comment

When it's your fault,  admit wrongdoing and sincerely apologize.  Say,  "I'm sorry for .  .  . "  "I'm sorry for hurting you . . ." 

Flowers and chocolates?  Save that for Hallmark TV commercials. 🙄

In person apologies are best and second best would be a phone call without distractions and background noise.

If two people will not continue the relationship,  a humble apology provides closure so both parties can move on with their lives in peace.

Despite peace,  a lot of people are done with you so express your in person verbal  remorse (or phone call is second best) and then don't bother her anymore. 

Often times,  healing is moving forward without certain past people in one's life anymore.  They want to start fresh with a clean slate.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...