Husband lusting on LinkedIn?

[JJT]

We have been together for ten years and married for two years with a young child. We have had many arguments throughout our relationship with trust/jealousy issues on my end, and temperament issues mainly on his end. Aside from that, we have a decent marriage and share similar thoughts on raising our child, finances, career goals, etc.... 

There has been no infidelity. I do, however, accuse him of being unfaithful at time which leads to his verbal abuse. His short temperament is never random. We do not do drugs or abuse alcohol. We have both read relationship books, have been in marriage counseling, tried meditation and continue to try to strive towards a great marriage. We also do not have any form of social media besides LinkedIn. I love my husband and he has truly tried to help ease my jealousy issues. He is a great father aside from his frustration at times. He is also extremely intelligent and highly educated.  

I am on here because I went on his LinkedIn (without his knowledge) and found that he recently started "following" an attractive female. I know it is LinkedIn and it is meant to be for "professional networking" etc... please try to see it from my point of view. I suffer from panic attacks during our arguments and have been diagnosed with anxiety/depression (mainly anxiety).  

I found it odd that he only followed 15 people yet was connected to over 1,000. Out of the 15 people he followed, 14 were male and 1 was an elderly female. I thought you must pretty damn amazing for my husband to be following you. Anyway, I confronted him about this, and he told me to "burn in hell ***".

He admitted that he found her attractive and said he thought "it's unfortunate that she was attractive" due to my jealousy issues I suppose. He said that her content/posts are only about professional development. He said her photo did not show skin and that she has great professional content, and that he follows an elderly lady as well as men for professional development advice/content. 

From my point of view, she had a sexy smirk on her face which seems more appealing for men. She advocates for women in the professional world yet to me, she would attract more women with a friendly smile. Instead, I think her popularity is highly due to her profile photo being "seductive" and attracting men. My husband and I both agree that there is a biological component to finding someone attractive/non-attractive. We both agree that lusting is a sin but noticing whether someone is attractive is not. Lusting to us is a form of infidelity. My husband is not a liar, so I decided to ask if he was lusting in any way, and he said no. 

We have spoken about how there are attractive women everywhere. I am not denying this. I told him that it was the fact that he made sure to be constantly exposed to the same attractive photo of this woman by following them. Like many, he has a photo of me and our child on his desk. Why? Because it's a reminder of the people you love, and your brain's chemistry changes when you view a photo them. So, in a way, he wanted to guarantee to be constantly seeing this attractive woman's headshot. My fear is that this could lead to his lusting over this person which is a form of infidelity. To me, he is playing with fire. 

He disagrees and has put his foot down on this issue. He says it is not about the f****** woman----his words. It is about setting a precedence. He said he follows her for the same reason he follows men with the same content. Also says there are no threats in marriage. 

We have been arguing about this for slightly over a week now. He constantly threatens with divorce even though we have been great the last month and are seeing another marriage counselor. He tells me I am amazing in every other part of our marriage. I struggle to understand how someone so flawed can be so harsh.

This is a scary situation for me given my health issues. I tend to want to believe him about everything in life because I know how intelligent he his. He has been verbally abusive though calling me braindead, brainless, not smart, psycho, crazy etc... this is another reason I am posting this. 

I tell him he lives in a glass house and is cruel to constantly hold divorce over my head. He is flawed in many ways including (recent examples) telling me he is ashamed that our child is his after our child's soccer game only because the entire team did poorly. Again, great father other than the frustrated harsh side of him.

He often treats me like I am an idiot in front of others, which I remember is how he constantly treated his grandmother. He apologized for both of these flaws and supposedly will treat us better. Yesterday he told me I am his best friend and I complete him, today I bring up the LinkedIn woman topic and he hints at divorce. He says there are no threats in marriage.

I still love him and he has other amazing qualities though. I want the best for our child. 

Please help me with your thoughts, particularly on the LinkedIn issue. 

Thank you.

 

 

[Kwothe28]

I mean, as far as I know, LinkedIn is professional network. Never saw any other content there but professional one. People who want to expand business, people who seek jobs etc. Its not designed nore anybody is using it for "thirst". For that people use other sites like Facebook and Instagram. Or even OnlyFans. So his explenation about LinkedIn might be plausible.

I do whoever have a problem with this

1 hour ago, JJT said:

Anyway, I confronted him about this, and he told me to "burn in hell ***".

I can only imagine what comes after "hell" word if its blurred by this site.

That is no way to talk to your wife. Nore you should allow him to talk to you in that way. It shows complete lack of respect for you. And that he not only has an anger issues but other issues as well.

Also, yeah, very, very great father lol

1 hour ago, JJT said:

telling me he is ashamed that our child is his after our child's soccer game only because the entire team did poorly.

If you continue living with somebody like this, you will not only damage yourself. But your kid as well. You should be leaving as soon as possible before more damage is done.

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, JJT said:

 I confronted him about this, and he told me to "burn in hell ***".  He has been verbally abusive though calling me braindead, brainless, not smart, psycho, crazy etc.. and he hints at divorce. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you are in an abusive relationship.

This isn't about LinkedIn. LinkedIn is a professional network. It's not IG, SC or OnlyFans,  full of thirst traps and provocative content, which unfortunately, is how you're perceiving this. You seem to be picking this irrelevant argument in order to stay in denial about the abuse.

Please read up on abusive relationships. Contact a domestic abuse agency for information, support and help. 

Please see your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done and review your current symptoms of anxiety, panic attacks and depression.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Please go to your own therapist alone so you can honestly confidentially and privately discuss the abuse. Do Not Tell your husband.

As you know marriage therapy is contraindicated in abuse because everything you reveal will be used against you by your abusive husband behind closed doors.

Please also contact an attorney privately and confidentiality for information support and advice in the event of divorce. Do Not Tell your husband or threaten divorce. Just inform yourself.

You are hoping to fix and change him. However he enjoys abusing you. It makes him feel powerful and in control.

Do Not share your feelings with your abusive husband. That loads the gun he'll shoot you with. Especially discontinue badgering him about LinkedIn is headshots. It's not the problem. 

Instead, get organized to extricate yourself and your children from this situation.  Please confide in trusted friends and family and be frank about the abuse and ask for help and support.

This has nothing to do with any type of social media. Please stop hiding behind that as the issue and pretending your marriage is wonderful to outsiders. 

[lostandhurt]

Why do you accuse him of cheating when you state there has been none?

Why did you marry him and have a child with him if he mistreated other women in front of you?

How often do you snoop through his online history?

If you look for a problem hard and long enough you will find one.

If I read your thoughts correctly you think your husband having an attractive woman's professional head-shot where he can see it will lead to infidelity or is akin to it means that he is not allowed to look at other  women more than once? 

 Is it possible you bring out the worst in each other?  Your controlling jealousy and his abusiveness?

Was it always like this?

Lost

[bluecastle]

Oooof—sorry for all the trouble. 

From the outside I don't really think there is any issue with LinkedIn, or this woman. Rather, I'd see this moment as a symptom of a much larger and far more troubling dynamic between you—a kind of cancer that is at the root of your foundation. Bravo on trying to treat it through counseling and so on. Sadly, however, this present moment shows that it seems only to be spreading, namely because you each seem intent on blaming the other for it and leveling that blame in seriously destructive ways.  

From his view: You are often prone to falsely accusing him of infidelity—which is in itself a form of abuse, not excusable due to anxiety—and which has led to him having a very short fuse. From yours: He is prone to lashing out in totally unacceptable ways, which triggers your anxiety and makes you more prone to look for things to accuse him of. Or some such. Around and around and around. Point being, you two, together, have constructed a dynamic that brings out some really, really awful sides of each other. 

And until you can both, together, find a way to see it like that, I'd imagine you're just going to keep engaging in this sort of thing with the result of both your spirits further withering and your child coming into being in a very hostile environment.  

Some questions: Why did you feel compelled to violate his privacy by sleuthing through his LinkedIn? Had he done something to make you think he was being unfaithful, disloyal? Or were you in a panic and looking for something to either validate your panicked feelings or quell them? Curious to hear more on that, along with why you have been so sure, so often, that your husband is in some way cheating on you? Has he drastically violated trust during your relationship? Or did you come into the relationship with a deep-seated fear of being cheated on? 

Big picture, it seems you are both treating each other in completely unacceptable ways that bring out the worst in each other. You are jealous and accusatory. He is cruel. Assuming neither of you want to be like that, the question becomes: Can you be who you want to be, together? Or do you need to separate? 

 

[redswim30]

Your marriage is toxic and you are both abusive to each other in different ways. 

For both your sakes and the well-being of your child- Get a divorce. 

Neither of you are being good spouses to each other.   This is not a good environment for your child to be in.  Seriously, get divorced.  You are wildly incompatible and you both have incredibly unhealthy views on what it means to be a good partner to someone else. 

 I wouldn't waste your time in marriage therapy.  I truly think it's in everyone's best interest for you to get a divorce and then each seek individual counseling to work on your individual and seriously toxic issues. 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, JJT said:

 My fear is that this could lead to his lusting over this person which is a form of infidelity. 

How long have you been married? Are you and your husband the same faith? This concept of "lusting is adultery" is not universal and typically a belief of certain ultraconservative sects. However that's beside the point. A headshot on LinkedIn is not sexual or lustful.

And yes your husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. Hopefully you are getting some qualified licensed lay counseling and not being encouraged to stay in an abusive marriage.

[boltnrun]

I disagree he is at fault solely or that he's "abusive" because he got fed up with being accused of being a lying cheater and blew up.

You accuse him of "constantly" having this woman with the so called "sexy smirk" in his view. Does he have her profile as his wallpaper on his laptop or something? You speak derisively of this woman solely because you're jealous of her and feel threatened. You accuse your husband multiple times of cheating and "lusting", yet he's supposed to respond to these accusations with calmness and grace?

Please, either attend intensive marriage and individual counseling or divorce so the two of you can live in peace. 

[Coily]

What extraordinary steps are you taking to manage your insecurities and anxiety?

From reading this, your husband snapped. To be regularly and falsely accused of one of the worst transgressions in a marriage, for presumably years would push anyone to the limit. Not an excuse, but trying to enlighten you to how very abusive you have been to him. He is having to live in constant fear of you just fabricating some action of his as a signal that he has been unfaithful. It's like sitting on a ticking time bomb.

So how does he retaliate to the constant threat? Being verbally abusive. It's the beaten dog scenario; you can only beat a dog so much until it dies or attacks. Until you recognize that, this cycle of mutual abuse will continue.

[Tinydance]

Just overall your marriage sounds very unhealthy, from both of your ends. I don't know your husband but he does sound rude and potentially emotionally abusive. On your side, you actually do sound very insecure and overly jealous.

I don't know why you're fighting with your husband or what you're fighting about so I can't really comment on that because you didn't specify. But just looking at the isolated LinkedIn incident, you sound really paranoid and extremely jealous for what seems to be no reason.

It's actually quite rare these days to have no social media but that's your choice of course. LinkedIn is a professional only website and I'm pretty sure they don't allow women to wear anything sexy or revealing or anything like that at all. I used to have LinkedIn and had many people there as followers. Most people actually only had a "headshot" from the shoulders up or even just their face. Usually they were dressed professionally.

You said your husband follows mostly men and literally only one woman, who is elderly. You say she's trying to act flirtatious because she has a "smirk"? I don't understand how you're calling it a smirk when most people just smile in their photos? Also you're saying she's elderly so sounds like she might be more like a grandmother age compared to your husband. This is quite ridiculous to think that something is going on or he's lusting after an elderly woman who doesn't look sexy or probably can only see her face and that's all.

In my opinion it's controlling to say that your partner is NEVER allowed to have any interaction whatsoever with anyone of the opposite gender. This is a professional website, this has nothing to do with sex or flirting. Do you actually have the expectation that in his life your husband is ONLY allowed to interact with strictly males and no female EVER? Because that's a form of emotional control and abuse as well.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

In my opinion it's controlling to say that your partner is NEVER allowed to have any interaction whatsoever with anyone of the opposite gender. This is a professional website, this has nothing to do with sex or flirting. Do you actually have the expectation that in his life your husband is ONLY allowed to interact with strictly males and no female EVER? Because that's a form of emotional control and abuse as well.

I can bet -without knowing -that certain of the men I'm Linkedin with are likely hot/attractive/handsome and indeed I am linkedin with former colleagues who are really handsome and attractive! If I followed a particular man and he happened to be attractive that would not be why -at all -not in the least.  My husband is not on Linkedin -but he has a twitter account and it's never occurred to me to see who he follows (I follow him but I happen never to check twitter -I do check Linkedin regularly for professional reasons).  I am sure if I looked at who my husband follows I'd find at least one attractive woman and it would mean zero to me.  But why would I ever check? There's something very wrong and unhealthy in your marriage IMO.  On both ends now.

[LootieTootie]

2 hours ago, redswim30 said:

Your marriage is toxic and you are both abusive to each other in different ways. 

For both your sakes and the well-being of your child- Get a divorce. 

Neither of you are being good spouses to each other.   This is not a good environment for your child to be in.  Seriously, get divorced.  You are wildly incompatible and you both have incredibly unhealthy views on what it means to be a good partner to someone else. 

 I wouldn't waste your time in marriage therapy.  I truly think it's in everyone's best interest for you to get a divorce and then each seek individual counseling to work on your individual and seriously toxic issues. 

 

This. You both are abusive and readers just feel bad for your kid.

I would recommend you both do individual/separate counseling because you both got your own issues that make you both turn on each other without any care or consideration how your words and actions affect your marriage and child.

[Jaunty]

I agree, I feel terrible for your kid.  Your child has nowhere to turn.  Both of their parents are emotionally unstable.  Please get help for yourself.  Suggest that your husband do the same.  Not marriage counseling; individual.  You both need to become accountable and responsible for your own behavior.  Best of luck.

[tattoobunnie]

Not all women smiling in professional work photos are trying to seduce people.  You sound intimated by any woman who is mildly attractive.  That's a you problem, not a him problem.  After years of being hounded by your insecurities, I'd tell you to "burn in hell" too.  If there has never been cheating, you do realize, every time you accuse him of "lusting" or whatever, you are calling him a piece of sh*t.  How do you expect him to deal with this?  

[Sher_sher]

I understand that you have jealousy and health issues. You need to see that these issues are playing a huge roll in how you perceive this situation. Following a person on LinkedIn is not a big deal at all. Your jealousy has taken over. You need to let this go before you push your husband far away. I can understand if you found he was talking to this person, meeting up with this person. Then I would think that you had a reason to act this way. He’s only following a picture. It’s just a picture. It’s just a profile, on a web site. He’s not sleeping with her. Get a hold of your jealousy. It’s not healthy for you or your marriage. Let this one go. He’s not doing anything wrong. 

[SooSad33]

On 9/13/2023 at 12:26 PM, Sher_sher said:

I understand that you have jealousy and health issues. You need to see that these issues are playing a huge roll in how you perceive this situation. Following a person on LinkedIn is not a big deal at all. Your jealousy has taken over. You need to let this go before you push your husband far away. I can understand if you found he was talking to this person, meeting up with this person. Then I would think that you had a reason to act this way. He’s only following a picture. It’s just a picture. It’s just a profile, on a web site. He’s not sleeping with her. Get a hold of your jealousy. It’s not healthy for you or your marriage. Let this one go. He’s not doing anything wrong. 

I agree with this, except she has already pushed him away.  He's fed up now 😕 .

She is overly jealous & admits it.  Always will be.

Is just a toxic environment.

I say it's about time to just end all of this and follow thru with a divorce.  This constant name calling & accusations is doing No One any good 😕 .