I[18] want to break up with my boyfriend[24]. I really need help figuring this o

[Mutedimention]

 

 Me and my bf started dating 9 months ago, when I was 17. I met him in church camp and I saw him as nothing but a fellow older churchgoer. Before I met him I was an extremely isolated girl with no friends and no social skills or knowledge, I was homeschooled and stuck at home with my negletful parents, my dad is a raging narcissist and has caused me and the rest of my family a lot of trauma. I had a chance to go out and experience new things thanks to my aunt who decided to help me get out there. And just..a lot of things happened in the duration of a month while I was basically vacaying with her and her family. I got new friends and lost them, got betrayed and used by a girl who I thought would be my best friend, I developed crushes and even dated and had my first kiss, all in a month. I dated a guy who was the same age as me, he was really sweet and kind, but I was stupid and broke it off with him before I had to go back home to my parents, I felt like I wouldn't be able to hold a ldr with him and my feelings for him weren't as strong, I was extremely worried and anxious for my future and my life, and couldn't be a good girlfriend.. so I spared him. 

 

 I then went back home, I lost contact with a lot of friends I had made in that month, my dad didn't like the fact that I socialized and he didn't let me talk to any of them anymore. But I development a connection with a new person, we called every night for hours and I shared practically everything about me and my life, my trauma, I shared more than I ever had in my entire life. And he seemed to as well. He showed me more affection and love than I had ever received my entire life. He was extremely accepting of me, agreed with everything I said, validated me no matter what i was feeling, praised me constantly, was accepting of all my interests and was an active listener. 

 

The bases of our relationship/friendship back then was that he wanted to help me get back out into the world and not let my father control me or my future, he wanted to help me and mother get away from my dad and find a place or help somewhere else. And he absolutely did all of these things. He was there for me every minute, dedicated his time to help me get every bit of Info I can to run away, I cannot even articulate how helpful he was, and how humble he was about it. I truly thought he was the most perfect man I had ever seen, I thanked god for sending me someone when I needed him the most. 

 

As much as he was a help, legally and in every way possible, My situation with my dad did not work out and me and my mom got ostracized by relatives and family, we had to go back home and live the same lives. My dad forced me to stop talking to all of the friends I had made, and just anyone that wasn't immediate family. And so I wasn't able to call or community with my boyfriend anymore, other than texting on snapchat. 

 

A couple months went by and things calmed down. We had 1 major fight in which he blamed me for having an emotional breakdown in front of him and expecting him to take care of me. I met up with him when i was going through a depression episode (he didnt know about this) and i was extremely stressed, i couldnt take it and broke down, he tried to calm me down but he kept saying all the wrong things but i completely acknowledged that he was trying his best when i broke down without warning and to be fair there wasnt much he could do to help me calm down. I was fine at the end of the day and a week or so passed by, we were texting at night as we do before bed, and he started telling me that i ruined our meeting by crying, when we could've spent the time doing anything else, and that he was still pissed that he couldn't calm me down. Keep in mind that before the breakdown i had ran away from home, to meet him and then go to church to get help for me and my mom. When i met up with him that morning he first took me to his house and i lost my virginity there. We then went to church after and i ended up not getting any help, and meanwhile my phone was blowing up from worried calls from my family. And trust me, to this day i blame myself 100% and for taking that stupid decision. But it did end up with me having a breakdown infront of my bf. 

 

During the argument a week later, after he made me feel ***ty for crying in front of him, i went to bed kind of upset and heartbroken, i wasnt mad at him at all, i was extremely disappointed in myself for not only putting myself in that situation and taking that decision in the first place but also for not handling it better. But i did feel it was unfair how unempathetic my bf was being, as i just had a natural reaction and couldnt control my emotions. I then woke up to a very long apology from him which i was SUPER grateful for. It seemed like he knew exactly what went wrong during the argument and he understood my reaction completely and promised to be better at taking care of me in crisis. I was extremely grateful and felt really lucky, all the self loathing i felt the nigjt before left me and had never loved and appreciated him more. 

 

And then we had another argument, which is something that still haunts me. Im not able to go into details as it was one of the longest arguments we've had but my bf was experiencing acid withdrawal and wanted to sext. I told him no as i wasnt in the mood and was feeling depressed, he told me to at least try to for him and i tried to explain that i truly wasnt feeling it and i didnt want to disappoint him by not being fully into it. He then got mad at me for never trying to do anything for him, that he always has to beg for things and this is just how things have always been like for him even with past gfs, and that im just the same. He said as hard as it for him, he made the decision to give me the same treatment i give him, which was not giving a *** about him. I wasn't really taking it and defended myself, he then proceeded to back me against a corner and ask me if ever actually loved or cared for him, if i am even capable of love. That im selfish and never put effort for other people. That i was pretending to be nice to him the whole time, he wanted me to prove to him that i loved him and that broke me completely, i ended up pouring my heart out saying that he was the only one i had ever loved in my entire life and i was extremely vulnerable about my emotions and personality, i told him i do love him and i feel love deeply for everyone, so deep it hurts. 

 

The argument finally ended not before he questioned our entire relationship, his life, my character, and he even came to a conclusion that he wanted me to block him and get out of his life. I succeeded in calming him down and he took back the hurtful things he said but this argument became one of the things that really made me question myself and affected my self esteem a lot. For a long time i really believed all of the things he said, i believed that i was incapable of love and showing affection properly, that i was a bad partner and was mistreating him. 

 

Despite how hurt i felt, i decided to dedicate myself to him and be a better girlfriend, i got better at being affectionate and communicating my love openly, being there for him no matter what and taking whatver he was giving. I became super agreeable and he was loving it. He showed his appreciation for me changing for him, but at the same time he became extremely nitpicky. He would question my every move and comment on trivial things to make me feel bad. If i wasnt being perfect he would complain that i dont care about him and "if you wanted to, you would" and that im too in my head and worry too much and give up too easily and never live in the moment and months of this ended up with me not being able to look in the mirror anymore. I hated myself. 

 

But i couldnt blame him for that as he made me fall for him harder as time went on, beyond all of that he was also extremely caring, sweet and funny. We ended up having the chance of meeting consistently after months of ldr and we bonded a lot. Our relationship was at a peak. 

 

Little backstory, im someone who has a very little sex drive, which means i barely have interest in sex, but my bf has an extremely high sex drive and is basically always horny, he would ask me to sext and send nudes, talk to me about his fetishes and kinks and would get mad when i couldnt always reciprocate. He compromised at some point and understood that i was a 17 year old girl with a low libido, no experience and was a virgin before i met him. During theses conversations he told me that he would record his exes during sex without consent and wanted to do the same with me. To which i told him i was 100% not okay with that and he again told me im never willing to try things for him and i told him to take no as an answer, to which he replied that i was "gaslighting"and misunderstanding his intentions. He agreed to not do it but ended up taking videos when we met. I told him to delete some of the videos as he would get mad if i told him to delete everything. He deleted an extremely explicit video but kept the "tame" ones. Im afraid he is going to leak these videos if i break up with him. 

 

I do not believe he is a bad person but he is someone that has anger issues and he can be extremely vengeful and defensive if he feels hurt or vulnerable. But i am done accepting him, ive been feeling apethetic and im tired of walking on eggshells. My mental and physical health has never been worse and he still has the heart to put that aside and make me feel worse. We had a misunderstanding which i wasn't aware of because he never communicated what was wrong and he got so upset and decided to ignore and give me the silent treatment until my 18th birthday which was a few days later. Keep in mind i had been struggling with a kidney infection and had voiced before that i was feeling mixed emotions about turning 18 and was feeling depressed and trapped in my life. And i ended up feeling worse about my life than i expected because he completely refused to give me love until my birthday came, i asked him why he was being that way, if he was mad, if i did something, but he said nothing. 

 

I don't know what exactly i am expecting from this but i feel really alone and unsure, maybe i am overreacting and i dont have it that bad. But my mental health has never been worse and i desperately crave peace in my life. And i feel breaking up would be a step in the right direction. But i am extremely scared. That he might leak videos or try to ruin my reputation or even worse, tell my dad everything we did. Im scared that he might explode and manipulate me into staying. I truly do not know what to expect from him anymore, im scared of him. I know this is stupid to expect from strangers online but i really need guidance and care, or even prayers. Thank you so much for taking the time to read. 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

49 minutes ago, Mutedimention said:

I do not believe he is a bad person

You're mistaken about that - he is. 

He's abusive and I immediately got chills when he tried to isolate you and your mom and dressed it up as "helping" you. Make no mistake, this man knew exactly what he was doing and his intentions were never honourable. He zeroed in on your inexperience and vulnerability and exploited it. 

50 minutes ago, Mutedimention said:

And i feel breaking up would be a step in the right direction

Without any doubt, you need to break up with him. If he threatens you in any way, you need to alert law enforcement. That includes threatening you with the private videos. 

Have you got any trusted family members? Someone in your church you could turn to? You are going to need a support system to get rid of this guy and you deserve some help. 

[Mutedimention]

16 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You're mistaken about that - he is. 

He's abusive and I immediately got chills when he tried to isolate you and your mom and dressed it up as "helping" you. Make no mistake, this man knew exactly what he was doing and his intentions were never honourable. He zeroed in on your inexperience and vulnerability and exploited it. 

Without any doubt, you need to break up with him. If he threatens you in any way, you need to alert law enforcement. That includes threatening you with the private videos. 

Have you got any trusted family members? Someone in your church you could turn to? You are going to need a support system to get rid of this guy and you deserve some help. 

How do I break up with him? We're currently long distance and I can only do it through text. But I don't know how to really explain it to him. My mind is a mess right now, could you help me out?

[1a1a]

‘It’s over, I’m just not feeling it any more.‘
 

He can’t argue with you about why your feelings are wrong, only you know what your feelings are. And if he tries to, repeat once ‘I’m sorry, I’m not attracted to you anymore and I don’t wish to continue discussing this.’ Now if he replies to this the next message is ‘I’m taking some space’ and then you block him everywhere. 

I’m sorry this guy turned out to be such a jerk. I reckon you’ll still be smarter and wiser and more experienced now for having met him. (But now it’s time to get this douche out of your life!)

[Tinydance]

I'm sorry but unfortunately you got involved with an abusive man again. He's not actually a good person. First of all, is it legal where you live for him to be with a 17-year-old? Actually in the state where I live in Australia the age of sexual consent is 16 but I know in some states or countries it's 18. If it's illegal where you live then in technical terms he's a paedophile and he's committed a crime.

Secondly, he's very manipulative. I don't think he's that nice or understanding. On the day you lost your virginity to him, he then made you feel bad that you cried and you "ruined" the day. Well if he was a really nice guy and understanding then why doesn't he support you when you're upset? 

Also he was acting really pushy about sexting and doesn't actually care at all if you want to or are in the mood. Basically it doesn't seem like he actually cares about you. He just manipulates you if you don't do what he wants by accusing you of all sorts of things. That's called gaslighting. It's interesting you say your father is a narcissist because that's exactly what narcissists do.

Your father does sound very controlling and emotionally abusive. I'm guessing the fact you were home-schooled and not allowed to leave the house or know anyone was part of his abuse. Is your mother trying to leave your Dad? What are your plans once you turn 18? Will you be going to college? My advice is to move away for college, get a career (or any job) and live on your own. You deserve to have a good life and friends.

In so far as breaking up with the boyfriend. Just call him and say it's not working for me, it's over, bye. If he harasses you, say you'll go to the police and/or get a restraining order. I mean yes it's better to break up with someone in person but he sounds abusive so it's probably better if you never see him again.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, 1a1a said:

‘It’s over, I’m just not feeling it any more.‘

This, OP. It's all you can do. 

Don't get into any debates with him about it. Simply tell him you don't want to continue and the relationship is over. 

[lostandhurt]

There are people in this world that are like vultures, they circle around looking for the weak and helpless so they can move in and take advantage.  He showed his true colors and you are wise to want to get away from him.

 Send a simple text and then block his number and all means of contact.

 As far as your current situation at home goes.  You will be 18 soon which means you can legally make your own choices.  Can you go live with your aunt? 

Lost

PS  You were never bf/gf, you were predator/victim

[Mutedimention]

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I'm sorry but unfortunately you got involved with an abusive man again. He's not actually a good person. First of all, is it legal where you live for him to be with a 17-year-old? Actually in the state where I live in Australia the age of sexual consent is 16 but I know in some states or countries it's 18. If it's illegal where you live then in technical terms he's a paedophile and he's committed a crime.

Secondly, he's very manipulative. I don't think he's that nice or understanding. On the day you lost your virginity to him, he then made you feel bad that you cried and you "ruined" the day. Well if he was a really nice guy and understanding then why doesn't he support you when you're upset? 

Also he was acting really pushy about sexting and doesn't actually care at all if you want to or are in the mood. Basically it doesn't seem like he actually cares about you. He just manipulates you if you don't do what he wants by accusing you of all sorts of things. That's called gaslighting. It's interesting you say your father is a narcissist because that's exactly what narcissists do.

Your father does sound very controlling and emotionally abusive. I'm guessing the fact you were home-schooled and not allowed to leave the house or know anyone was part of his abuse. Is your mother trying to leave your Dad? What are your plans once you turn 18? Will you be going to college? My advice is to move away for college, get a career (or any job) and live on your own. You deserve to have a good life and friends.

In so far as breaking up with the boyfriend. Just call him and say it's not working for me, it's over, bye. If he harasses you, say you'll go to the police and/or get a restraining order. I mean yes it's better to break up with someone in person but he sounds abusive so it's probably better if you never see him again.

Thank you so much for the advice and caring for my situation, I feel a little braver now. I was worried if I should let an argument/discussion happen or just simply break up and block him. I think the latter is a better idea. I just turned 18 a few days ago and im not in college. Im planning on going and im taking online classes right now to hopefully get a job soon. I sometimes feel like im not able to fully focus on my life because im so worried about pleasing him. I really hope this is a step in the right direction for me.. The past few years have been tough. My mother wants to leave my dad but she practically has no power, and isn't allowed to go out by herself. She also has mental issues so people often dont believe anything she says. 

Dating a minor (below 18) is illegal in my country, and he constantly makes jokes about being a pedophile. I feel bad as I played along with his jokes a lot. But now I realize it's really ***ing weird. We're still talking right now and he told me im "boring" now as I just turned 18. He said it as a joke but still feels like a red flag he can joke about it so easily and without shame. I do believe he's a narcissist since I notice a lot of the same patterns in my father, he's either really good at hiding it or doesn't realize it. 

I want to thank everyone for the advice and strength. I dont really have anyone in my life to talk to and im thankful I could get some help. I will break up with him soon.

Thank you: MissCanuck, lostandhurt, Tinydance, 1a1a.

 

 

[Capricorn3]

17 hours ago, Mutedimention said:

How do I break up with him? We're currently long distance and I can only do it through text. But I don't know how to really explain it to him. My mind is a mess right now, could you help me out?

Currently long distance? Perfect! That is a perfect opportunity to send a text - keep it simple - "sorry, it's just not working for me".  Then block. Go full NC.  This man is abusive and the sooner you are rid of him, the better.  If he continues to harass you, report him to the authorities.

[Mutedimention]

4 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Currently long distance? Perfect!

Haha.. sounds good. I hope he doesn't push me too much and understands.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Mutedimention said:

he constantly makes jokes about being a pedophile. I feel bad as I played along with his jokes a lot. But now I realize it's really ***ing weird. We're still talking right now and he told me im "boring" now as I just turned 18. He said it as a joke

Good lord, this is chilling. 

You need to end this immediately. This dude is not normal, and he's dragging you into his disturbing world. 

1 hour ago, Mutedimention said:

I hope he doesn't push me too much and understands.

I would not expect him to react well. But, you also need to not care about his reaction. What you need to focus on is getting away from this predator. And yes, he is very much a predator.  A sick individual. 

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, Mutedimention said:

Haha.. sounds good. I hope he doesn't push me too much and understands.

By the way, even if you're breaking up with someone just because you're not into them or incompatible, they can't push you. If you break up in a nice way then they have to accept that you don't want to be with them. If thus guy harasses you, don't forget that he actually is a paedophile. So you can tell him either he leaves you alone for good or he'll be hearing from the police.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Mutedimention said:

 . We're still talking right now and he told me im "boring" now as I just turned 18

As long as you play along voluntarily, you'll be exploited. It's as simple as. "This isn't working for me, so I need to end things", then delete and block him. 

It's pointless diagnosing him or comparing him to your father. Sorry about your home life, but keep in mind your turbulent home life is what made you vulnerable to a creep like this.

Instead of sexting this idiot, start applying to university, get a job, join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. Broaden your social horizons and interests and make real life friends you can trust and count on.

 

[boltnrun]

He asked you for nudes and told you he intends to video you having sex with him?

He's an exploitative abuser. Please end this today and block him from all methods of contact.

Can you talk to your nice aunt?

[Tinydance]

22 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He asked you for nudes and told you he intends to video you having sex with him?

He's an exploitative abuser. Please end this today and block him from all methods of contact.

Can you talk to your nice aunt?

Also keeping in mind OP actually said in their country it's illegal to have sex with a minor so all of this could be  classed as paedophilia.

[Mutedimention]

I think im going to break up with him tomorrow night. I'm honestly terrified and keep thinking about the worst case scenario. I feel so weak for being this scared of him when he probably doesn't care at all. Wish me luck 

[Mutedimention]

On 9/13/2023 at 3:24 AM, boltnrun said:

 

Can you talk to your nice aunt?

I can talk to her if I have no other choice. She is the most understanding person I know but she is still my family/guardian and would probably be really worried and disappointed. I hope it doesn't get that far as I can't afford to ruin any more relationships. But yes I fortunately can ask for her help if anything bad happens. 

 

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Mutedimention said:

I can talk to her if I have no other choice. She is the most understanding person I know but she is still my family/guardian and would probably be really worried and disappointed. I hope it doesn't get that far as I can't afford to ruin any more relationships. But yes I fortunately can ask for her help if anything bad happens. 

 

Please keep her in mind. 

Remember, that guy is far away. He would have to make an effort to harm you. Not to say that it couldn't happen. That's why I recommended confiding at least some of what happened to your nice aunt. 

I hope you didn't send him any nudes. He could be the type to threaten to send them to your family or post them online.

Please do follow through with ending this and then blocking him from any and all means of contact. He is not a good person. And in the future please don't allow yourself to be manipulated this way. It never ends well.