My(30f) husband(41m) gives his mother access to his bank accounts

[Somanyquestions]

I am recently married and I just learned that my husbands mother has access to his bank accounts and is monitoring his spending. We haven’t joined bank accounts yet, I merely haven’t gotten to organizing how I wanted to do it and we rarely have weekdays off together, so I never pushed it. We’re about to close on a home purchase, and I am also 9 weeks pregnant. His mother is also our realtor, so she in involved in every aspect of the home buying process as well. Last week we had to go to the furniture store with his mother so she can help him decide how we are going to decorate our home which caused an argument. He said he gave his mother access to his bank accounts so she could budget for him because he says “he’s bad with money”. I was unaware this involved literally looking at every purchase he makes and monitoring it and choosing how he spends his money for him. He believes there’s no issue with this, and I informed him I am uncomfortable with it and want it to stop. His response was “well I asked you if you wanted to combine accounts and you never did anything about it”. His mother suggested today that we don’t combine our accounts and commented how she’s going to be mad at him if she sees certain purchases she doesn’t approve of, which means this is not just “making him a budget” it’s monitoring and checking that he is adhering to her budget specifications. She does not know I’m pregnant as I don’t want anybody to know right now. She has his location and can view where he is at any time. I don’t have access to his bank accounts. I brought this up to him and he got mad and defended the situation and then said fine, we can get our own account to stop me from complaining. I am so extremely uncomfortable with all of this, I guess I’m wondering if these thing are normal?! He insists there is nothing wrong with it to the point that it is causing arguments.

[MissCanuck]

No, this is not normal. At all. 

His mother is way too involved and it's inappropriate. It's very strange that she not only has control over his finances but also tracks his location all the time. That is bizarre for a grown man. 

I am wondering how long you dated before you got married and whether you were at all aware of how enmeshed they are? 

 

[Somanyquestions]

We dated for a year, and were engaged for another 6 months. I wasn’t aware of the bank account issue until today when I heard a conversation on speakerphone and asked him about it 

[MissCanuck]

And what about her knowing his location? Were you aware of that? 

I am curious how he explains his mom having control over his finances. Do you know what his financial history is like? I am not saying this is normal by any means, but it does make me wonder if he's gotten himself into big trouble before and Mommy stepped in to try to remedy it. 

[Tinydance]

This really doesn't sound normal at all. Sounds extremely weird and co-dependent. I don't think he should have to let his mother make any financial decisions for him or even go furniture shopping with you or anything like that. Why does she get to come along to "approve" of the furniture you're buying? It's not her house or her life. It's really none of her business what your husband spends money on unless it's related to her in some way. If he works and it's his money then what's it got to do with her? 

I find it very weird that he would rather let his mother monitor his bank accounts rather than his own wife. She really needs to stay out of all of it. The big problem though is that it's actually your husband who wants this. The reason why this is happening is because he's fine with this situation and has no problem with it at all. 

In my opinion your husband is acting very disrespectful towards you. If anyone should have a say what he's spending money on or what things to buy, it should be you  - his wife. That's the way it is in marriage. It's you and him who are in this marriage. Not him and his mother.

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, Somanyquestions said:

We dated for a year, and were engaged for another 6 months. I wasn’t aware of the bank account issue until today when I heard a conversation on speakerphone and asked him about it 

Sorry this is happening. As a married couple, you are legally a financial unit so any debts and assets are shared

. Do you both work? Do you both earn roughly equal? Do you live with his mother? Does he have gambling or other issues? Is his mother cosigning loans or paying for things or managing trusts you're unaware of? 

Hiding finances and who's in control of them is a red flag. How are you applying for a mortgage together if you know nothing about his financial status and bank accounts? 

This is going to be a major problem in the marriage, not just because the mother is apparently controlling his decisions and life but somehow seems to be managing his finances. 

You need to speak to an attorney about your rights and obligations.Sadly you are legally liable responsible for whatever financial decisions he makes. 

[Batya33]

Did you get married because of the pregnancy or were you going to marry anyway? What I would do if he refuses to block access to his account now that you're married is have no joint accounts.  And if you can work throughout your pregnancy put your earnings into your separate account.  Also I would tell husband you want another realtor because you are not comfortable with a realtor who has this sort of access.  If he says no I would tell him that you prefer to rent until this is sorted out.  I would not purchase a home with him or make any joint purchases until this is sorted out.  The problem is she can drain your accounts at will, she can ruin your credit, etc even if she is "trustworthy".  Also the two of you -and no one else -should have full control of what is purchased/what is saved/what is invested.  

I'd keep a close eye on this and consult an attorney even.  I would not talk to your MIL about this. It's his job. Tell him if he wants to be a married father it's time for him to get his own financial counseling through his bank, or a course or a book and learn how to manage $ -that you will be there to be supportive as long as it's the two of you.

(I was pregnant when my husband and I married -we tried before we got married, on purpose -I really don't know when he put my name on his accounts but I'm sure it was shortly after marriage -we have separate accounts and we opened a joint account together).

I'm sorry.

[1a1a]

Perhaps a joint account for living expenses and savings could be the go? And she doesn’t have access to that one. She can go on monitoring what he does with his spending money if that’s what they both want but the money that sustains you both as a couple, that’s your business only. 
 

When you bring this up next try and present it in a way that it’s you and him against the problem of money management that might have worked well when he was single but isn’t working now he’s married. Open with something he’s done that you appreciate about him then let him know how his mum’s involvement makes you feel (uncomfortable? Weird? Side lined?) Does he have any ideas how to resolve this and become a more cohesive married unit going forward? See what he says.

[Tinydance]

34 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

Perhaps a joint account for living expenses and savings could be the go? And she doesn’t have access to that one. She can go on monitoring what he does with his spending money if that’s what they both want but the money that sustains you both as a couple, that’s your business only. 
 

When you bring this up next try and present it in a way that it’s you and him against the problem of money management that might have worked well when he was single but isn’t working now he’s married. Open with something he’s done that you appreciate about him then let him know how his mum’s involvement makes you feel (uncomfortable? Weird? Side lined?) Does he have any ideas how to resolve this and become a more cohesive married unit going forward? See what he says.

Personally I would definitely not want my spouse's mother or any other person having access to his bank account. Also personally I'm OK with not having a joint account but it makes no sense that someone else would have access to their account. To me marriage is a big commitment. It's the decision to share your life with that person. Especially if you have a child with that person, it's actually them who are your family.

There is no need to monitor anyone's spending or policing what they buy etc. Even if I'm someone's wife, if they work and earn money then they are allowed to spend it within reason. If my partner has an addiction and spends money on the addiction then that's different. For example, if they have a gambling problem, drug problem, pornsite problem, etc. But if they're just spending money in a normal way like buy themselves video games, go out to eat, buy make-up, go to the movies, etc, etc. It is not my place to monitor them or control how they spend their money. My belief is people should be allowed to spend their money how they want if it's completely within reason. For example, I'm into arts and crafts so I should be able to buy that.

The only reason why it would make sense to me that he's allowing his mother to monitor his bank account is if he's spending money on some kind of addiction or something dodgy. And he wants his mother to help reign him in.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, 1a1a said:

Perhaps a joint account for living expenses and savings could be the go? And she doesn’t have access to that one. She can go on monitoring what he does with his spending money if that’s what they both want but the money that sustains you both as a couple, that’s your business only. 

Yes but he can control what he puts in the joint account she doesn't have access to - he is entitled to have a separate account from his income and what he brought into the marriage but when it comes time to buy a bigger ticket item together like a vehicle or a home the living expenses account likely won't cut it -and she will then have control over what they spend as a couple on the bigger purchases. Like she does now with the house purchase.

It's fine if she wants to open her own account that is a trust fund for her son which he can only have access to if he shows her he's being a responsible saver and spender - many parents have those sorts of purse strings and "control" from afar but then it's an adult to adult - she can't actually control what he spends, she can just withhold access to his ineritance, etc.