I feel jelous of my bf mom

[moissanitr]

Sometimes I think: why am I annoyed and jealous of my boyfriend's mother? Maybe it is because I feel competition with her, because I would like to be like her, I would like to live like her? I want to be the whole world to my bf, not his mother. They chattinh with kisses!!! I'm jealous of their beautiful relationship, which I don't have with my mom. Or he has an ugly relationship with me and when I see a nice relationship with my mom, I feel jealous? I'm so confused... I am even asking myself why I am devoting so much energy to someone who has no role in my life. How do I get out of this state of mind? Is it like i don't love myself? Please, advise me...

[Cherylyn]

Know your role.  Your boyfriend has a rapport with his mother and a relationship with you.  Both are separate.  I'm sorry you don't have a stable mother-daughter relationship with your mother.  Not everyone is fortunate. 

Be comfortable in your own skin and be your own self.  Be more independent minded and you will become secure and self confident.  Start building high self esteem.  Don't fixate yourself on your boyfriend's mother. 

Yes, begin by loving yourself.  Take good care of your mental and physical health for starters. 

[MissCanuck]

52 minutes ago, moissanitr said:

Or he has an ugly relationship with me

You phrase this like a question, so you tell us: is your relationship with him in a bad place? 

[moissanitr]

Yes, a little bit ugly. He sometimes doesn't respect me.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, moissanitr said:

I want to be the whole world to my bf, not his mother.  he has an ugly relationship with me.

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How old is he? How do you know what his texts with his mother look like? 

You don't seem happy or secure in the relationship. It's not a good idea to want to be "the whole world"  to someone, however it seems like your BF simply doesn't pay enough attention to you. 

[moissanitr]

We are living together 3 years, i'm 24 years old, he's 26

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, moissanitr said:

Yes, a little bit ugly. He sometimes doesn't respect me.

What does this mean, exactly? 

Do you two argue a lot? 

[moissanitr]

Yes, sometimes we arguing

[MissCanuck]

Ok, so it sounds like the real source of the problem is that you're not happy in this relationship and you don't feel he values you. 

Is that about right? 

[moissanitr]

I'm happy, but sometimes there are fights between us. It just hurts my heart that he gets on so well with his mother and then I feel left out. Maybe I don't love myself?

[moissanitr]

They talk every day. But I call my mother very often too. I just don't know why my heart hurts so much for him.

[MissCanuck]

16 minutes ago, moissanitr said:

I'm happy

I think you're not being honest with yourself, because you also say this:

3 hours ago, moissanitr said:

he has an ugly relationship with me

2 hours ago, moissanitr said:

He sometimes doesn't respect me

It would be helpful if you can add more details.  What do you two fight about, and how often? What does he say or do that leaves you feeling disrespected?

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, moissanitr said:

. It just hurts my heart that he gets on so well with his mother and then I feel left out. 

If they talk every day it's a bit much for a grown man living in his own place. However it really has nothing to do with the poor quality of your relationship if the issue is he ignores you or you don't get along.

Instead of catastrophizing, about "not loving yourself", being "his whole world" and other unrelated  issues, try to figure out what is really bothering you and talk to him about it.

[Batya33]

I think you should look at his relationship with his mother as a huge positive - shows she did something right in raising him - and his caring about her and wanting to maintain this connection in adulthood is great. 

I talk with my mother every other day (she is 88) and my sister talks with her every day. Partly it is to make sure she is ok -she lives alone - but we're very close to her and love chatting with her and with each other.  We're all adult about it. Does she ever "mother" us ? Yes - we each now live far away from her and from each other so what if our mom wants to be a mom sometimes -it's not in a controlling way or with ill intentions.

I think you're insecure because of your connection to your bf and if it wasn't his mom you'd be worried about anyone he seemed to get along better with.  Are you close with his mom? Are there marriage plans -do you want to get married? And maybe he doesn't? Lots to explore.

[Andrina]

If he were typically sweet to you as he is with his mother, you likely wouldn't have a problem. Time to reconsider if this man is who you want for a lifetime partner. People with self-love bail if they are not respected.

[moissanitr]

But his mother is such a self-centered person.... She constantly brags, talks ONLY about herself. And when my bf comes to visit her, his communication changes. 

[Andrina]

"The guy?" That's how you refer to him? Sounds like you don't like him very much, nor the situation. You're not being held prisoner, so get out.

[moissanitr]

Sorry, im not goot in english at all... im from germany...

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It would be helpful if you can add more details.  What do you two fight about, and how often? What does he say or do that leaves you feeling disrespected?

Can you answer these questions, OP? 

[boltnrun]

Do you believe if he wasn't so close to his mother he'd be nicer to you?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, moissanitr said:

But his mother is such a self-centered person.... She constantly brags, talks ONLY about herself. And when my bf comes to visit her, his communication changes. 

Maybe she sees you as self absorbed since you’re interfering in her relationship with her son by complaining.  How often do you speak with her?  Does she work full time ? Does she cook for you or have you over for meals?

[Cherylyn]

Also,  depends on how much his mother occupies his time.  Does he spend an unreasonable amount of time,  energy and thoughts on his mother?  If it's excessive,  I wouldn't like it either.  Hopefully, both mother and son have healthy boundaries out of consideration for each other and you. 

It sounds like in a way,  his mother controls the mother-son relationship and you're treated as if you should know your place.  😒 It's not a good feeling to be sidelined.  ☹️

I realize a mother-son bond is very close as I'm a mother of sons so I straddle both sides of the fence.  However,  a mother needs to yield more and more especially if her son has a girlfriend or wife. The mother of a son needs to learn to take a backseat,  not be intrusive nor have expectations to be more exclusive than she should be. 

In-law situations can be tricky at times.  Or, a boyfriend's mother situation.  In-laws or in your case,  your boyfriend's mother has no qualms calling frequently,  texting,  asking for favors and they don't always consider the girlfriend or wife's feelings,  their busy households,  time,  energy,  inconvenience or imposition.  If this is the case,  then it is indeed inconsiderate,  disrespectful and rude. 

Often times,  being close to family can feel crowded and resentment brews because schedules become busier and there's less time,  energy and brain space for the marriage or boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.  There is a sacrifice of your boyfriend's and your time which can test your patience and perhaps his, too.

Sure,  you want to be your boyfriend's whole world just as a wife would.  However,  you have to share him.  As long as he is considerate and reasonable with his mother and you,  accept this as how it is.   

If his mother is a time hog,  they chat on the phone frequently and / or she requests his labor,  energy and favors,  then realize he prioritizes his mother over you.  You don't matter as much.  😒 He could very well be a "Mama's Boy" and will never cut the apron strings nor umbilical cord.  You will determine this from observing his habits. 

You can't change him.  Either accept him as is or call it quits on the relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, moissanitr said:

 when my bf comes to visit her, his communication changes. 

If you don't like her, that's ok. However, talk to your BF about his attitude and communication with you.

[moissanitr]

But she brags a lot, talks about herself. Now she has a new boyfriend, so she acts like a teenager and talks about him all the time. And always the conversations turn to her and her things: house, work, husband.

[MissCanuck]

Is there a reason you're avoiding answering these questions?

20 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What do you two fight about, and how often? What does he say or do that leaves you feeling disrespected?