I don’t know why the thought of ending the relationship is in my head

[Czechmate]

Hi,

im 35 English male  dating a 28 Czech Republic female for the last 5 months.

the first month of the relationship she was living at a shared house with 2 other women (20&50) and everything seemed happy and amazing but she was told to move as the house was being sold. So we moved into her friends house she’s know for 4 years as he already had another women with a bf. The moving was fun and long but we done it and didn’t argue we made memories. When we got into our room we both felt strange feelings.

couple months pass and so do some little issues that annoyed me she’s done but she didn’t feel bothered.

the first being we couldn’t pick somebody up for the airport 2hrs away as we had work the next day so he best friend who’s gay said he would. He then tried to convince her to go with him but she denied 3x during the day. It comes to 7pm she’s had a shower and told me she’s now going with him , I wasn’t happy as we planned a film. So I said ok well if you’re not here when I get out the shower “have fun” and walked off in disbelief. She was there and was about to go and try kiss me but I didn’t want it as she’s left me basically to sit in the car for 5hrs. We msged during the first hour and she didn’t see no issues with what she’s done or said sorry.

the second was she very ill that she couldn’t get out of bed so I was concerned at work and spoke to somebody as I felt I done something wrong beforehand as she was acting strange. After 3 days she made a recovery and went to see her friend when I was on a late shift , 10:30pm finish. She had a drink and then when I said I’m finished and home early she said she’s agreed to meet the house mate for a few drinks and if I want to join? I declined as I was tired and she ended up coming home 7 hours later at 4am after a “few” drinks and the next day drank again at the bbq the house had and felt rough the next day she couldn’t kee the plan we had but went for breakfast with her friend, again last minute and mentioning it.

third being now is I went to work at 6am and haven’t seen her and it’s now 22:20pm and I asked her when she’s back and she doesn’t know and this was 5hrs ago. I get she has a life but we are in a relationship and there’s limits to staying out for long periods and being with your “loved” one. 
 

it’s crossed my mind to end the relationship with her as I don’t like the way it’s going and how she’s just dropping things todo something last minute notice. She’s on her phone a lot more yet hasn’t found time to reply to me even if drunk. We’ve got a girl’s birthday this week after I finish work and she’s agreed todo some extra shift in the evening the next day and said she won’t drink much for this reason but here we are now she’s out “drunk” and she’s got work tomorrow evening! 
 

I need someone to talk to or msg as I’m not wanting to end this but for my health and hers I would as this dosnt feel like a normal couple. It feels like she’s a single life with a part time relationship or *** buddy

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Czechmate said:

The first month of the relationship . So we moved into her friends house . The moving was fun and long but we done it and didn’t argue we made memories. When we got into our room we both felt strange feelings.

Sorry this is happening. It's only been 20 weeks dating and unfortunately there's a lot of drama and misunderstandings.

Where did you live before and why did you move into that place together so soon?

Can you move back to where you were? It doesn't seem like you know her well enough or that you're getting along well.

[Cherylyn]

The thought of ending the relationship in your head is telling you to end the relationship.  She dismissively and repetitively disrespects you.  She's inconsiderate, very unreliable and doesn't care about your feelings.  She lacks empathy.  Either accept her and how the situation is or end it and hopefully in the future be with a woman who knows how to treat you as if you matter.  Good luck!  🙂

[catfeeder]

Living together is an awfully difficult way to get to know a person.

Dating over time from separate homes offers you the ideal combination of shared time together plus private time apart. This allows you to see one another in small doses and then process what you've learned about them in a less charged way.

If this woman's drinking habits, unreliability and lack of concern for your feelings aren't dealbreakers for you, then you could possibly attempt to live elsewhere and date her without the pressures of a shared room.

But speaking only for myself, I don't think I could enjoy a relationship with someone who flakes like this.

 

[Czechmate]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It's only been 20 weeks dating and unfortunately there's a lot of drama and misunderstandings.

Where did you live before and why did you move into that place together so soon?

Can you move back to where you were? It doesn't seem like you know her well enough or that you're getting along well.

So I lived with my ex and 3yr old daughter and had to move out and she said about moving with her so I did and then we moved into the room in the house. I’ve got nowhere Togo after this.yes it’s a stupid idea but the only option at the time

[Czechmate]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

The thought of ending the relationship in your head is telling you to end the relationship.  She dismissively and repetitively disrespects you.  She's inconsiderate, very unreliable and doesn't care about your feelings.  She lacks empathy.  Either accept her and how the situation is or end it and hopefully in the future be with a woman who knows how to treat you as if you matter.  Good luck!  🙂

The problem is I love her but I have a gut feeling to “end” the relationship. We have some communication problems and we talk it out. The way she is acting recently is odd compared to beforehand and the last minute decisions annoy me.

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Czechmate said:

 I lived with my ex and 3yr old daughter and had to move out and she said about moving with her so I did 

Please start looking for affordable reasonable places. You need to get out of there and focus on being the best dad you can be. Try the housing department or look for decent rooms somewhere. Focus on reasonable decent housing (instead of the zoo you're in) because it's important for your child and your suitability for custody and visitation.

[Czechmate]

I managed to phone her as she said she’d be home tonight and it’s now 00:31 the next day and 5 hours since I’ve heard from her. I got the impression she’s not bothered coming home yet and she has work in 12 hours time which will be the next time I’ll see her. I’ve asked to speak to her about our relationship after shift tomorrow 

[Czechmate]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Please start looking for affordable reasonable places. You need to get out of there and focus on being the best dad you can be. Try the housing department or look for decent rooms somewhere. Focus on reasonable decent housing (instead of the zoo you're in) because it's important for your child and your suitability for custody and visitation.

I have been looking for a place and my daughter is with her mum. I personally don’t want to be here much longer as I want my own space but it’s money at the end of the day.

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Czechmate said:

I have been looking for a place and my daughter is with her mum. I personally don’t want to be here much longer as I want my own space but it’s money at the end of the day.

Please look for part-time work and keep busy with that. Your child and your future are far more important than hanging out conveniently with this party girl. You're not going to get decent behavior out of her.  Floozies like this move on quickly so focus on getting your life and living arrangement in order.

[Czechmate]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please look for part-time work and keep busy with that. Your child and your future are far more important than hanging out conveniently with this party girl. You're not going to get decent behavior out of her.  Floozies like this move on quickly so focus on getting your life and living arrangement in order.

I have a full time job and she works at the same place. We got along so well and still do until the last 3weeks. She’s no alcoholic or party girl I understand she wants to go out but just update me with her whereabouts and time be home roughly.  She’s had a bad relationship before me and hasn’t told me everything about her ex and told me how she was in her past and I’m feeling like she has this big wall around her that I can’t break down and she’s 50/50 on single life and relationship life. I have mentioned to her before but she doesn’t know why I feel like this, I said it’s your actions. 
 

she wonders why I’m annoyed, becouse you make me

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Czechmate said:

I’m feeling like she has this big wall around her that I can’t break down and she’s 50/50 on single life and relationship life. 

You're trying to control her and she isn't interested.  

[Czechmate]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're trying to control her and she isn't interested.  

Do you think? Can you explain how so I can stop this. I don’t mean to be like this in anyway and we spoke about the “wall” and she agreed she does and it’s from her ex. I don’t want to control her it’s just nice to have communication so I know she’s safe 

[Cherylyn]

56 minutes ago, Czechmate said:

The problem is I love her but I have a gut feeling to “end” the relationship. We have some communication problems and we talk it out. The way she is acting recently is odd compared to beforehand and the last minute decisions annoy me.

Listen to your gut because it's there for a reason and always right on the mark.  Pay attention to your intuition and instincts because it will save you unnecessary,  prolonged grief and / or aggravation or both.  Remove your emotions because emotions cloud your judgement.  😒

[shouldhavelearned]

You need a good talk with her

You're not on the same page and neither one of you seem to getting your needs met 

[Czechmate]

2 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

You need a good talk with her

You're not on the same page and neither one of you seem to getting your needs met 

Yeah I e asked to have a talk with her after todays shift as I’m not happy with this. The excuse of seeing me all day and night and not seeing her friends becouse of work isn’t a good enough excuse to get drunk and not come home and say something to me.

[MissCanuck]

This relationship is already over. 

You two moved in together way too fast and discovered you are not compatible. You don't have the same lifetsyle and your priorities don't line up. It's not going to last, so you might as well pull the plug now and save both of you the hassle of dragging it out. 

She is quite clearly losing interest in you anyway. 

[Czechmate]

3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Listen to your gut because it's there for a reason and always right on the mark.  Pay attention to your intuition and instincts because it will save you unnecessary,  prolonged grief and / or aggravation or both.  Remove your emotions because emotions cloud your judgement.  😒

If I do this I fear I’d make the wrong mistake and possibly lose somebody special. I know what’s been said but she’s an amazing human just I’m feeling different with things

[Czechmate]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

This relationship is already over. 

You two moved in together way too fast and discovered you are not compatible. You don't have the same lifetsyle and your priorities don't line up. It's not going to last, so you might as well pull the plug now and save both of you the hassle of dragging it out. 

She is quite clearly losing interest in you anyway. 

Yes I believe it was too fast now and at the time didn’t think what I was doing as it was a roof over my head. I also starting to think it’s ending with the reactions and just in general how it’s been. Spending more time in here phone ,she’s in a group chat with her family back home. To taking it to the shower it’s like it never leaves her hand. The trouble with me is I haven’t got a good memory and if I was to have this chat and say something I wouldn’t remember much details as she would. The talk will happen to after shift and it might end today who knows but it depends on how she reacts

[MissCanuck]

I don't think she's really that interested anymore anyway, OP. 

You would be wise to start looking for another place to live. 

[Czechmate]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't think she's really that interested anymore anyway, OP. 

You would be wise to start looking for another place to live. 

I have been looking last two weeks but I need to save for deposit so I can’t just leave. I don’t have anywhere Togo unless it’s the car

[MissCanuck]

Keep saving money and looking for another place to live. 

The chance of this relationship working out in the long-term is just about zero, so you do need to start getting your life together enough that you can support yourself. 

Whose name is on the lease of the room you're renting with her now? 

[Tinydance]

Well to me it sounds like maybe you're just too different and your priorities in life are different. You're seven years older than her and you're a father. Whereas she doesn't have kids and sounds like she's a bit of a party girl and she loves going out and drinking.

In my personal opinion someone is still allowed to have friends and go out even if they're in a relationship. But there needs to be a balance and respect and time for their partner. I'm not sure what you meant that you decided not to go pick someone up from the airport and how you were left in the car for five hours. I thought you said that she went with her gay best friend to pick someone up but you stayed home? 

I think unfortunately you can't really police someone and expect them to do certain things if they're just not wanting to do it on their own. In terms of picking someone up from the airport, I think if it was my car and I was asked to drive two hours each way, then I'd say no. But if my partner had their own car or I wasn't using my car and they went on their own, then I might be fine with it. I'm someone who really values my friendships. If it was my partner's good friend or family member that needed to be picked up, then I would understand.

However in this case if she made the decision not to go pick the person up and you had plans together, then what she did was wrong. To me the issue would be not that she wanted to pick someone up but that she just randomly changed our plans at the last second and didn't care.

In terms of her going out with friends, to me it would depend on how often she wanted to do it. Obviously in a relationship it's important to have time together. So I'd want my partner to dedicate just as much time (if not more) to me as to their friends. 

She did actually invite you to go out for drinks with her friends but I guess you didn't feel like going. I think if she goes out then she should respond to your messages and keep you updated. But in this case it sounds like she did want to include you.

To be honest I don't think it's really your job to police her if she's going out and she has work the next day and things like that. You're supposed to be her partner, not her Dad. It obviously doesn't bother her if she has to work etc. It just sounds to me like you're just not on the same page regarding how you want the relationship to be and going out etc.

[Kwothe28]

She is a "party girl". She literally dropped everything so she could pick up some stranger with her gay BFF. Or to have drinks with her friends. And as such, your lifestyles are simply incompatible. You would probably like somebody who would more be "homebody" and be with you at home. And not partying up until 4am, drinking and doing who knows what. While she still wants all that stuff. To get drunk, to party, to come home late etc. There is no future in a relationship like that. Where you want to work and not go out with her, while she goes out with her friends until 4am. Its just two completely different lifestyles that dont match at all. To the point I wouldnt be surprised other men are involved too. Czech 20+ year old in England? That doesnt pass without noticing by men. Added with her lifestyle, I am sure there are plenty of men out there hitting on her. What do you think she does until 4am? Just drinks?

Its really questionable why you are living together. You both have a house question not solved so maybe that is why you and her still stay with each other. After all, its easier then with living alone. But overall speaking, this is something that is bound to breakup sooner rather then later. And you should look for appartments on your own so you would have some place to live.

[Czechmate]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well to me it sounds like maybe you're just too different and your priorities in life are different. You're seven years older than her and you're a father. Whereas she doesn't have kids and sounds like she's a bit of a party girl and she loves going out and drinking.

In my personal opinion someone is still allowed to have friends and go out even if they're in a relationship. But there needs to be a balance and respect and time for their partner. I'm not sure what you meant that you decided not to go pick someone up from the airport and how you were left in the car for five hours. I thought you said that she went with her gay best friend to pick someone up but you stayed home? 

I think unfortunately you can't really police someone and expect them to do certain things if they're just not wanting to do it on their own. In terms of picking someone up from the airport, I think if it was my car and I was asked to drive two hours each way, then I'd say no. But if my partner had their own car or I wasn't using my car and they went on their own, then I might be fine with it. I'm someone who really values my friendships. If it was my partner's good friend or family member that needed to be picked up, then I would understand.

However in this case if she made the decision not to go pick the person up and you had plans together, then what she did was wrong. To me the issue would be not that she wanted to pick someone up but that she just randomly changed our plans at the last second and didn't care.

In terms of her going out with friends, to me it would depend on how often she wanted to do it. Obviously in a relationship it's important to have time together. So I'd want my partner to dedicate just as much time (if not more) to me as to their friends. 

She did actually invite you to go out for drinks with her friends but I guess you didn't feel like going. I think if she goes out then she should respond to your messages and keep you updated. But in this case it sounds like she did want to include you.

To be honest I don't think it's really your job to police her if she's going out and she has work the next day and things like that. You're supposed to be her partner, not her Dad. It obviously doesn't bother her if she has to work etc. It just sounds to me like you're just not on the same page regarding how you want the relationship to be and going out etc.

So the story with the airport is..

the place room we rent she’s known the bloke for years and he’s a nice guy and there’s another couple here too. So he went back home for 2weeks and needed picking up here so asked us as I drive she didn’t. We said no as we had work the next day but her gay best friend said he would as he knows him well. So 3x that day the gay friend kept asking my partner to go with him and she said no(but I don’t think she did). We planned a movie that evening and around 7pm she had a shower and got dressed and said she’s going with her friend to the airport in his car to get the bloke. I was angry and was like so you’re leaving me to sit in the car for 5hrs and her reaction was pointless like yes? She didn’t see my view that I’d been shut out just to pick him up and acted like nothing happened when she got home just after midnight.

I only look out for her well being for the job as she was ill the week before and if she ill again the work will question her. I don’t want to be all fussy or policing her but seeing friends to the point you’re out for a whole day and not giving updates to your partner to me is pretty harsh. And still no sign of life this morning as the time ticks to her due in work.

the invite me out to drinks etc is this is a common thing where it’s within the hour she’s decided to go out if asked and this time was the case. She originally put I’m going out as your finish late for a few drinks come join us if you like but becouse I didn’t go she said she stayed out? Again why stay out if I didn’t go when the plan was for few drinks?