SIL found out about something I was keeping from husband and I don't know what to do

[Bees937]

My husband (33) and I (26) have as close to a perfect relationship as I think possible. We have an infant daughter and both have jobs we love. We have been together for 4 years. During our early relationship we were in different stages of our lives. I was in college and he was trying to establish his career, working and traveling a lot. I always loved him but this strained our relationship. I hated that he was gone so much.

We had been together for 6 months when I had an event I had to go to. He had to be gone for 2 weeks for work. This was the longest he had been gone at that point. My ex was in my friend circle at the time. At the after party I was depressed, lonely, and intoxicated. My ex felt familiar and comforting and was giving me a lot of attention. I went home with my ex that night and we had sex a few times. When I woke up and left I realized what a massive mistake I made. I ghosted my ex and he got the message.

I am close to my SIL (brother's wife) my ex has some mutual friends with her and my brother. I guess he was talking to one of his friends about me. He told him the last time we had sex and my SIL overheard and knew the date. 

She eventually brought it up to me and my stomach dropped and heart rate shot up. I thought that secret was buried. We had a long discussion about it and I told her what happened and my reasons. After we had sex I put it in the back of my mind and when I thought about it I pushed it back down to try to convince myself it did not happen. 

She told me that I had to tell him and that if she knew it would eventually come out and that it would be better if he heard it from me. I think she was trying to tell me without saying it that she would tell him if I did not. I have been so angry, disgusted with myself and have been a total mess. We have built a good life for ourselves that I don't want to ever lose or out in jeopardy. I have grown and changed so much them that it feels like someone else did those things. I am terrified if losing my family and hurting my husband in such a way. I have been panicking and don't know what to do.

[LootieTootie]

5 minutes ago, Bees937 said:

I have grown and changed so much them that it feels like someone else did those things. I am terrified if losing my family and hurting my husband in such a way. I have been panicking and don't know what to do.

Tell him this. Because your SIL is right. If people are talking about it, he's going to hear about it, especially since it looks like you guys are all hanging out in the same circles. 

I'm sorry what you're going through. But this time, you gotta do right by telling him the truth.

It was early in the relationship when this happened so he might be able to forgive you.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with your SIL.  You can't undo the damage from the past but you can do the right thing by confessing to your husband with sincere remorse. 

I hope he forgives you. 

[MissCanuck]

You need to come clean to your husband. 

Your sister-in-law is right that he is very likely going to find out if people are talking about it again, and it's better that it comes from you and not somone else.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, Bees937 said:

I think she was trying to tell me without saying it that she would tell him if I did not.

I think this is what worries you. Because lets face it, if you felt that much guilt for cheating on your husband, you would have told him in almost 4 years. Its the consequences and him finding out that worries you. You even have a convinient excuse for cheating. How you were oh so lonely and got a few glasses of alcohol extra and your ex felt "familiar". Yeah, that wont pass to your husband or to anyone for that matter.

Take some accountability. You cheated your husband(then boyfriend). Express some genuine regret for your mistake and tell him that. Not that "I was drunk and my ex was there" BS but genuine regret and actually admitting you were at fault. And maybe he would find it in his heart to forgive you.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Bees937 said:

She told me that I had to tell him and that if she knew it would eventually come out and that it would be better if he heard it from me. I think she was trying to tell me without saying it that she would tell him if I did not. 

Sorry this happened. Ask your SIL to keep your confidences and let you handle it.

Your SIL is engaging in emotional blackmail. It's not her job to tell your husband, it's yours. Discontinue confiding in untrustworthy people.

In the meantime distance yourself from this SIL and reflect how, where and when to discuss the matter with your husband.  Do so with honesty, clarity and a focus on healing.

[smackie9]

Oh my your ex is a dbag for even talking about it. Everyone knows but your husband so you need to address this asap. I think before you tell him, express your remorse, your sincerity first and tell him you will accept any outcome and or will do anything to make this right. I hope you both can heal together.

I know many couples that got past infidelity, and with the amount of honest communication that came out of it, made their marriages even stronger. 

 

[Bees937]

I am worried about the consequences but it is something I also deeply regret and feel guilty about. I wasn't trying to make excuses, there are none but was my justifying it at the time.

[shouldhavelearned]

Sucks to be in this spot.

Shouldn't have done it and your ex should have kept his mouth shut 

[Cherylyn]

5 hours ago, Bees937 said:

I am worried about the consequences but it is something I also deeply regret and feel guilty about. I wasn't trying to make excuses, there are none but was my justifying it at the time.

I hear you.  You know consequences could very well be harsh.  Your worries are justified. 

To your credit,  you are remorseful.  I commend you for feeling guilty.  I can't tell you how many countless people in my life who've wronged me,   never felt remorse in a million years let alone apologized. 

I don't know what's worse.  The offense,  denial or indifference and apathy.  😒

[kehratha]

Hmm..this one is tough...

I would not normally advise to confess (for ease your conscience), I don't think this does any good. But in this special circumstances you kinda have to tell him. SIL and you have a good relationship now, but you never know and it's better not to let space for future emotional blackmail..

[Lambert]

As @Kwothe28 said... own up to it.

Nothing is worse than hurting a person and then justifying it to ease your own part in it. You have to pay the piper, ask for forgiveness and what you can do to show that you regret this but obviously can't change it.  I think that being contrite but also recognizing, you can't fix this alone will go along way. 

It's a lot to ask and I'd also stop saying your relationship is as close to perfect as possible, except the infidelity that you've hidden for years.  Statements like that make you sound completely out of touch with what loving another person is. 

[Batya33]

I think it's fine you didn't tell him back then if it was just to unburden your guilt unless you also exposed him to STDs.  Now that people know, now you have to tell him and I agree with the others.  Also he needs to know that it will never happen again even if he travels a lot or you two are at different stages of your lives - and you need to come up with a plan how you plan to keep your promise and what the consequences will be - whatever it is -do you buy him a sports car? Leave the marriage and give him everything you own? Do you still choose to get drunk? If so you might want to consider not doing that anymore.  If you choose to drink you choose the consequences.

My husband travels a lot and for the 7 years I was a stay at home mom I traveled on my own four times - two weddings, a milestone bday party and my father's funeral.  Talk about different stages.  And all while having relocated 800 miles to a city I'd only visited twice before moving -for husband's job.  I realize that is how you justified it then -he needs to know why you'd never justify it now.  Choosing to get drunk might also lead to another choice to justify inappropriate behavior.

[smackie9]

Your SIL is an asshat. IMO whatever happens in others peoples relationships is up to them to figure it out without outside involvement. BUT since your ex was spreading the word, doesn't matter if she says something or not....someone is going to talk. 

[Coily]

Normally I dislike any in-law involvement with a marriage, however if the ex is boasting about this still after all these years; it's something that needs addressed. Ultimately, you need to address this skeleton in the closet, before it explodes and more than the one night is implied.

It's not going to be easy, but if the two of you can weather this, you two have a lot going for each other long term.

[catfeeder]

I would tell him without casting myself as helplessly vulnerable due to being left on my own.

That comes off as manipulative.