No labels narcissist?? Or me being silly?

[OkieDokie]

Hi, this is my first post to the forum

I've been dating a guy for 4 months. We hit it off from the word go and soon became exclusive.

4 months on though, I asked if I'm his boyfriend. Nope!! In his words, " We are transitioning." He doesn't like labels but hopes things go somewhere. He treats me really well. He is genuinely a cute guy.

He is very tight lipped with his emotions, I know he was hurt in the past. 

We chat all the time and have a good sex life. He can be a bit possessive over me. So why no label? Labels create expectations I'm told. Should I give him the elbow, an ultimatum or refuse doing any couple things until he makes up his mind?

I don't want to waste my time even though I really like him very much.

[Cherylyn]

He's just using you for sex.  If you want more than just sex,  he's not willing to give you what you want which is a boyfriend type committed relationship. 

You're not being silly.  You're wasting your time with him if you want more than he's willing to give you which is just sex.  That's it.

I would have to know more about his personality before he's described as a narcissist.  A narcissist has unreasonable self importance,  excessive interest, admiration for themselves and thinks the world revolves around them and no one else. 

They're masters at gaslighting.  Google gaslighting (deflecting / changing the subject / twisting blame back onto you / never taking responsibility for their actions or wrongdoing)  Gaslighters can be evasive, too. 

Since he's tight lipped regarding what "transitioning" really means,  there's a communication problem because he isn't clear regarding his intentions or non-intentions with you.

He treats you well as long as there is no serious discussion regarding the status of you two nor any conversation about the future.  You're left hanging in limbo.  Either accept the situation as is or leave. 

 

 

[bluecastle]

Welcome to the forum!

I think labels are pretty lame myself, but even potentially lamer? Being afraid of them or somehow making a show of being afraid of them because it’s easier than saying, “I would like the comforts of commitment without the commitment.”

Now, you two being new, I’d say you should make a little internal note about how long you’re up for staying in this zone. Keep that to yourself, then, when the time comes, bring it up with him. If he’s still wishy-washy you know this isn’t the dude for you, since I highly doubt you want a relationship founded on an ultimatum. 

The thing that jumped out at me here as worrisome is you saying he is possessive. Never a cute look, no matter how cute the dude, but coupled with an aversion to just being your straight up boyfriend has the whiff of some pretty jagged insecurities of the sort that cut deep. 

[Kwothe28]

If you are not his boyfriend then you are not exclusive. He may have said that to appease you, but there is no exclusivity there. What is "transitioning" even means? Like "Maybe I upgrade you from coach to first class if you behave?". Its silly. Dont agree to that if you want exclusivity. You didnt describe anything narcissistic in his behavior. Well, aside of "no labels" but lots of people avoid those and are not ready for the relationship from some reason. That doesnt necesseraly has to do with them being narcissists. Its maybe just fear of commitment. 

But, if you are seeking exclusivity, yes, it would be wise for you to not waste time there. Its clear he doesnt want that from some reason.

[OkieDokie]

Hi bluebottle

Obviously we're talking about a gay relationship here which adds a whole new level. He isn't out to everyone.

He messages me each day, asks how I'm doing and is future planning things which I think is a sign He sees a future together. When dating He was looking for a LTR and to settle down. 

I hate being exclusive while not in an official relationship as I could be just wasting my time. Sounds selfish but its important I look after myself.

Labels ARE important to me.

[OkieDokie]

Really appreciate all the comments BTW. I think I will come up with an date when I approach the topic with him for the final time.

I suppose it is silly that he asks about my friends (eg how do you know them, are they gay, how long have you known them?) without being in a relationship ourselves.

He keeps saying he wants to take things slow and steady. Ideas on when my patience runs out? As I say we have dated for 4 months now (around 15 dates, some overnight)

 

[bluecastle]

3 minutes ago, OkieDokie said:

Obviously we're talking about a gay relationship here which adds a whole new level. He isn't out to everyone.

Yeah, this does add a layer, in that I’d imagine you can sympathize with where he is on this journey. Is coming out to more people something he’s wanting? 

That said, whatever the “layers,” it’s totally cool to want what you want. Which is to say it’s understandable that you’d like a man who is simply stoked to call you his bf and flaunt you to the world. This guy might not be there yet, and only you know your own threshold for wading through this moment. 

[OkieDokie]

Yes I understand that he might not want PDA or have me sprawled across social media as his boyfriend but even if its just between us I'd like to be declared his Haha

 

[bluecastle]

Can I ask how old you two are? Has he ever had a boyfriend in the past? Do you spend time with each other’s friends?

[OkieDokie]

Both in our 30s. Bit of a distance but we meet weekly . I have met one of his friends. 

He hasn't had a boyfriend in the past. Had a straight relationship and when that ended dated some guys.

[Batya33]

Lol transitioning. It’s not the label it’s the meaning behind the label. He’s not needing to transition into sexual activity it seems.  He’s ready for that and has been for some time it seems.  Maybe he’s not ready to transition into gay relationships generally?

[smackie9]

Transitioning, etc, are words to be in control along with the possessiveness. That's an abusive personality. All he wants is to control you and what happens in your relationship. That's why you are here....it's not feeling right. 

[OkieDokie]

Thanks Smackie. I hadn't thought of it like that.

We've holidayed together, he treats me well, checks in on how my day is going and future plans things. Very physically affectionate.

What's missing is his desire to label us. Not wanting expectations. So I'm left with the externals of being in a relationship without it explicitly mentioned. 

Why should he ask about my friends (how long have i known them, are they gay etc) while not wanting to label me his bf....baffling

[SooSad33]

18 hours ago, OkieDokie said:

He can be a bit possessive over me.

Just how possessive? 😕 

Are you two young - like in HS?

IMO, Transitioning is a BIG thing.  When I hear that, it's something that's affected someone in a big way eg.  Moving from our home after 12 yrs and my youngest was so upset for months, as that was the only 'home' he knew . So, one would expect transitioning as a big event that's affected them in some way. ( unless he's thinking in ways of moving from one girl to another?). 

As mentioned, this just could be to HIS benefit, if, after 4 months being involved and he won't say you're his gf.  I'd suggestr backing out by now anyways, if he's behaving like this AND is possessive towards you.  He lacks in a few area's.... Don't get lost in this one.  Won't be good for you. 😕 

[Batya33]

44 minutes ago, OkieDokie said:

What's missing is his desire to label us. Not wanting expectations.

What's missing is he doesn't want to be committed to you and you want a committment and your expectations regarding the future are incompatible.  Not just a label.

[boltnrun]

53 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

he won't say you're his gf. 

The OP mentioned a couple of times this is a gay relationship. Two men. I mention it because he's also said this man is not "out" to everyone. 

[OkieDokie]

Yes this is a gay relationship.  Both in our 30s. His first gay relationship 

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, OkieDokie said:

Both in our 30s.. He hasn't had a boyfriend in the past. Had a straight relationship and when that ended dated some guys.

Does he keep you a secret? It seems like he has kept things on the down-low most of the time, hiding his bisexuality. 

Whatever the case, he's not out and seems to just want M2M sex while keeping a facade. He's not relationship material. 

[OkieDokie]

Summary

Dated for 4 months. He is out to close friends. Gay. Very affectionate verbally. Future planning. Says he wants to go slow and steady. Treats me well including holidays.

He is a bit jealous and digs for answers. He doesn't want to label us. We are transitioning. Labels create expectations. He isn't vocal.ie. he hasn't said I love you.

I want to say something but how do I approach this? His last st8 relationship ended very abruptly. Maybe he's just scared?

I'd like to get to the bottom of this without making him feel pressured.or that I'm having a go.

Thanks guys

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, OkieDokie said:

Summary

Dated for 4 months. He is out to close friends. Gay. Very affectionate verbally. Future planning. Says he wants to go slow and steady. Treats me well including holidays.

He is a bit jealous and digs for answers. He doesn't want to label us. We are transitioning. Labels create expectations. He isn't vocal.ie. he hasn't said I love you.

I want to say something but how do I approach this? His last st8 relationship ended very abruptly. Maybe he's just scared?

I'd like to get to the bottom of this without making him feel pressured.or that I'm having a go.

Thanks guys

Duplicating your OP? It's the first post in your thread..