ENA Article: The Art of Giving Space

[rainbowsandroses]

This article just posted today and I thought it was so interesting!  It's also something I very much believe in, that giving your partner space and creating some distance can enhance your connection and relationship.   

I have read articles written by Esther Perel and watched her videos, her message about space and distance resonate with me so much and thought I'd post the article (haven't learned how to link yet), gather thoughts and discuss. 

Its geared towards giving men space but I believe both people need space! Women too, I know I do from time to time in a LTR.

Thoughts? 

Here ya go, happy reading! 

 

[bluecastle]

Nice primer on a universal topic. The man v woman subtext is a bit off-putting to me, but I get that different sites/writers target specific audiences. 

Related, for me, is this quote from the poet Rilke:

“The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.”

Maybe just fancy talk for the importance of space, but it’s been a bit of a North Star for me. And while it’s “marriage” oriented, I think it applies to all relationships, romantic and otherwise. 

[Whirling D]

Yes, this is a very important topic, particularly to me right now… But as blue said… The gender roles here are blurry at best. 
 

in my case, it’s me that feels uncomfortable with the “space“ and feel the need to fill up much of the space with contact and reassurance, which is unrealistic.

it’s very uncomfortable for me to not know what space means, particularly so early in a dating pattern, which is where we are at. To me, space equals threat, because I’ve seen that many times before…

and as we all know, history often repeats itself.

thank you for the share! Excellent read.

[boltnrun]

I didn't read it, but I can say that someone being all up in my grill gives me heartburn. I want to say "don't you have anything to DO??" My ex husband wasn't in my face all the time but he didn't want me to have any friends or any sort of social life. He wanted it to be just me, him and our child. Always. Sorry, no can do.

There's literally nothing to talk about if you're together all the time.

[rainbowsandroses]

39 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

There's literally nothing to talk about if you're together all the time.

It's not even that though.  I don't mind being quiet with my boyfriend, enjoying time at a park or the beach, a walk enjoying nature, etc.  

I think many couples struggle  with that - spending time with your partner, not talking at all and simply enjoying being together.

Space is more of a mental thing, enjoying one's lone time, doing whatever or doing nothing at all!

I think many of the issues couples experience with respect to space is about insecurity.  And fear. Fear your partner is no longer interested, doesn't care among other things. 

For example, for those who need lots of contact and togetherness, if your partner was deployed overseas, would you feel as insecure and fearful?  Probably not because you know it has nothing to do with their feelings for you.  And you'd simply do your own thing and not be concerned about it.  You'd miss them of course, but there would be no insecurity, fear etc.

I actually think the amount of space each of us needs in a relationship is the number one reason why couples break up, more so than  money!

Generally speaking, people take their partner needing more space than they need or want too personally and attribute it to how their partner feels about them, when that may not be true at all!

I know for me, I probably need more space than most, more lone time, time to myself and it's caused issues.   It's about compatibility and it's important to understand your partners need for space and ideally sharing that need. 

[bluecastle]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Generally speaking, people take their partner needing more space than they need or want too personally

Sure, sometimes. People, blessed and cursed with our egos that help us make sense of the world, take a lot of things personally that have nothing to do with them. Dude cuts me off on the highway, say. If I’m already feeling edgy, and therefore more full of myself than usual, I may think he was after me with that swerve rather than just spaced out. Same applies to my gf, though the hope is I’ve got my loose screws tightened enough to not avoid that kind of tunnel vision. At least for too long. 

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think many of the issues couples experience with respect to space is about insecurity.  And fear. Fear your partner is no longer interested, doesn't care among other things. 

For example, for those who need lots of contact and togetherness, if your partner was deployed overseas, would you feel as insecure and fearful?  Probably not because you know it has nothing to do with their feelings for you.  And you'd simply do your own thing and not be concerned about it.  You'd miss them of course, but there would be no insecurity, fear etc.

Oh, not so sure about this. If you are someone who needs a ton of attention and are in a situation where you don’t get it, you’ll start imploding, even if logically you can understand why you’re not getting the attention. Insecurity could be part of that, but so can a general disposition.

Important to be paired up with someone who compliments all this rather than enflames it.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Important to be paired up with someone who compliments all this rather than enflames it.

Absolutely!

However, I would think (or hope) that being in the armed forces and deployed or having a job where contact during the day is not possible, that one's partner would be more understanding and not implode because they're not receiving enough attention. 

Seek help to understand why you need so much attention and constant contact, I don't think it's healthy to place that type of burden on your partner, just my opinion.

[boltnrun]

25 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Seek help to understand why you need so much attention and constant contact, I don't think it's healthy to place that type of burden on your partner, just my opinion.

This seems to be an issue with people who put everything into their romantic partner and who are seeking a partner to fill empty spaces in their lives. They literally see their partner being busy or sick or spending time with friends as a REJECTION of them. They feel unloved, unwanted and discarded if their partner sees a friend for a movie or wants to take a long bubble bath by themselves. 

It's unhealthy. But too many of them say they can't help it or it's just the way they are. They'll "Spanish moss" their partners until the partner is frantic to get free.

Yeah, I felt this. My ex husband HATED my friends. He said they were all stupid. Because he saw them as competition instead of an indication that his wife had a healthy, well rounded life. Obviously we didn't last. 

[Batya33]

I like giving space when it’s not asked for directly but when I sense it’s needed. . If you feel secure enough with your partner and get to know them from a secure mindset then it’s easier to learn and sense when they need space and give it to them so that the relationship stays fresh. And interesting.  

[Cherylyn]

I'll go against the grain here.  My husband and I are reminiscent of my local in-laws who are inseparable.  Yes, we have our alone time,  our individual friends,  exercise,   hobbies,  our domains (his is house repairs / maintenance,  yard work car repairs / maintenance, car shows and errands) and of course,  our employment. 

I enjoy being with him.  We cook together which is really good bonding time for us.  I truly enjoy having dinner with him every evening after a long day at work.  I even enjoy some weekend errands with him at random,  picnics,  occasional dining out,  sometimes mall shopping and whatnot.  Sometimes,  we're spontaneous regarding what we'd like to do or where we're going each weeknight or weekend.  I actually enjoy being with him  more  than anyone else.  (Of course, family time with our sons as well.)  However,  if referring to my husband,  I enjoy his presence and being with him.  Each second is very precious with him.  🧡

We have plenty of space since we work so much.  Therefore,   anytime I have with him is a commodity I'm not willing to share whether it's with the community,  relatives,  in-laws,  etc.  We're with them occasionally several times a year but our time is very limited so we tend not to overbook our schedules whenever we're off the clock from work.  We've since greatly curtailed socializing with local relatives and in-laws for this very reason. 

Our relationship always stays fresh and I would even go so far as to say our love grows bigger as each day,  week,  month and year passes by.  💕

[rainbowsandroses]

You're actually not going against the grain @Cherylyn, your relationship sounds ideal, you're both on the same 'space' page, which makes for the best relationships!

The article speaks more to couples where one partner needs more (or less) space than the other and encourages understanding their need for space versus taking it personally and allowing it to negatively affect their relationship.

It also sounds like you both have your own lone time too, just the right amount for both of you. 

Sounds nearly perfect!!  ❤️

 

 

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You're actually not going against the grain @Cherylyn, your relationship sounds ideal, you're both on the same 'space' page, which makes for the best relationships!

The article speaks more to couples where one partner needs more (or less) space than the other and encourages understanding their need for space versus taking it personally and allowing it to negatively affect their relationship.

It also sounds like you both have your own lone time too, just the right amount for both of you. 

Sounds nearly perfect!!  ❤️

 

 

Good to know,  thank you, @rainbowsandroses. 

Interesting article about each couple needing more (or less) space. 

My husband and I need less space meaning we enjoy each others company due to our employment occupying so much of our time;  there isn't much time to spare so we have to take what we can get.  After work hours,  weekends and holidays are priceless together time.  We're not willing to share our time with others nowadays.  (Meaning local relatives and in-laws.)  I prefer to be with him more than anyone in my life and same with him to me.  We don't have to constantly be doing anything either; just being in the same house,  same car or same anywhere is pure joy. 

I'm actually the complete opposite of my sister and cousin who absolutely loathe their husbands and will do anything to flee their wretched husbands at every opportunity.  It's bad enough their husbands are waiting at home for them and upon the wife's return,  they trudge indoors with tremendous dread.  🥺 I'd hate to live that way.  Perhaps they deserve it because they were so mean to me.  😋

[Whirling D]

3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Good to know,  thank you, @rainbowsandroses. 

Interesting article about each couple needing more (or less) space. 

My husband and I need less space meaning we enjoy each others company due to our employment occupying so much of our time;  there isn't much time to spare so we have to take what we can get.  After work hours,  weekends and holidays are priceless together time.  We're not willing to share our time with others nowadays.  (Meaning local relatives and in-laws.)  I prefer to be with him more than anyone in my life and same with him to me.  We don't have to constantly be doing anything either; just being in the same house,  same car or same anywhere is pure joy. 

I'm actually the complete opposite of my sister and cousin who absolutely loathe their husbands and will do anything to flee their wretched husbands at every opportunity.  It's bad enough their husbands are waiting at home for them and upon the wife's return,  they trudge indoors with tremendous dread.  🥺 I'd hate to live that way.  Perhaps they deserve it because they were so mean to me.  😋

Lovely story, Cherylyn… 

how long have you known each other, and how long have you been married? And… How old are you guys?  Do you have kids that take up your time and space?

I think almost everyone on here would probably want to be able to get to the point that you and your husband are at… Sounds awesome!

sadly, likely very few will ever get there.  🙁🙁

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

Lovely story, Cherylyn… 

how long have you known each other, and how long have you been married? And… How old are you guys?  Do you have kids that take up your time and space?

I think almost everyone on here would probably want to be able to get to the point that you and your husband are at… Sounds awesome!

sadly, likely very few will ever get there.  🙁🙁

Count me out! Definitely don't want the opposite extreme of course -I've always loved when people I am close to have fulfilling, fun lives with friends, acquaintances, close friends where we're not inseparable on either end -that can be nice but it's not my preference -not what I strive for.  Not what I looked for in a relationship. 

Different strokes for sure.  I think when my mom married in the 1950s there were fewer opportunities for married women to have lives outside of their marriage -work outside the home was not a preference, close friends with men were often frowned upon so that eliminated half the population for potential friends, and often there was financial dependence so while the couple might indeed have enjoyed time together if there was conflict there often was a power imbalance with the woman stopping herself from even wanting more because the reality was she could not survive in a financial or practical way on her own. 

I like the dance of intimacy - two people who dance close together but sometimes one separates to twirl around, then they come back together, etc.  I like sometimes the missing factor - time apart where you miss each other and save up stories to tell instead of being in each other's space too much so that there are no new stories, so that the stories that are repeated are -fun -but not so interesting anymore. 

Last night I actually found a new to me show my husband has been watching for a short while -Poker Face -and even though at the time he was watching it I desperately need to sit with a book and a snack and wind down to get good quality sleep I joined him in watching it on and off and having fun commenting on the various shenanigans of an episode involving aging heavy metal rockers lol.  So I relinquished my need for quiet wind down time/space in favor of hanging with him and watching Poker Face without a poker face (highly recommend it -very well done/well acted/kind of edgy).

I am sad for people who need space because they loath their partners -that to me is the opposite extreme and there's so much in between.  

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I am sad for people who need space because they loath their partners -that to me is the opposite extreme and there's so much in between.  

I very much agree with this and don't believe it was the premise of the article or purposing it was the reason people need space.

Take my ex for example. I loved him dearly, loved spending time with him BUT I still needed time away occasionally, so did he.  Not time away from "him" per se but rather time for myself and agree @Batya33, I loved missing him too, that little bit of distance from time to time served to keep things fresh.  

The distance actually enhanced the relationship!

I do think it may be difficult for those who desire and need lots of together time to understand why others need space but can still enjoy and love ther partners very much.  Needing space definitely doesn't always mean you loathe your partner and aren't happy together, that's a misnomer.

To each their own definitely.  As long as both are on the same page re how much together time and space they each need, it's all good! 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I very much agree with this and don't believe it was the premise of the article or purposing it was the reason people need space.

Take my ex for example. I loved him dearly, loved spending time with him BUT I still needed time away occasionally, so did he.  Not time away from "him" per se but rather time for myself and agree @Batya33, I loved missing him too, that little bit of distance from time to time served to keep things fresh.  

The distance actually enhanced the relationship!

I do think it may be difficult for those who desire and need lots of together time to understand why others need space but can still enjoy and love ther partners very much.  Needing space definitely doesn't always mean you loathe your partner and aren't happy together, that's a misnomer.

To each their own definitely.  As long as both are on the same page re how much together time and space they each need, it's all good! 

Very well put!  There’s a really fun scene in Sex And The City where Carrie insists she needs space from Aidan because he’s just too much. So he happily gives it to her. She draws the curtain separating her studio into two rooms and has a book with her. Her need for space lasts minutes until she draws the curtain to check in on him lol

[boltnrun]

I like the distinction between wanting your own personal space and longing for space away from your partner because you "dislike" them.

Too many times when there's a mismatch the desire for personal space is viewed as rejection by the other partner. Or it's viewed as a need to be away from their partner. I personally wouldn't have wanted my partner to come along for lunch or happy hour with a girlfriend, for example. There are a multitude of reasons for that, primary among them the pressure to keep both of them "entertained". Also, my girlfriend wouldn't feel comfortable disclosing or discussing certain things in front of my husband (for example, one friend contracted herpes from the guy she was seeing...not a topic you would want to discuss in front of someone's husband). That has nothing to do with "rejecting" my partner or not wanting to be around him. 

Funny story, my grandfather was a chef in a five star, very well known restaurant and my grandmother was always shooing him out of the kitchen at home. He wanted to take over because after all, he was the professional chef! But she wanted to be the cook in her own home. Nothing to do with rejecting him. 

[Cherylyn]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Count me out! Definitely don't want the opposite extreme of course -I've always loved when people I am close to have fulfilling, fun lives with friends, acquaintances, close friends where we're not inseparable on either end -that can be nice but it's not my preference -not what I strive for.  Not what I looked for in a relationship. 

Different strokes for sure.  I think when my mom married in the 1950s there were fewer opportunities for married women to have lives outside of their marriage -work outside the home was not a preference, close friends with men were often frowned upon so that eliminated half the population for potential friends, and often there was financial dependence so while the couple might indeed have enjoyed time together if there was conflict there often was a power imbalance with the woman stopping herself from even wanting more because the reality was she could not survive in a financial or practical way on her own. 

I like the dance of intimacy - two people who dance close together but sometimes one separates to twirl around, then they come back together, etc.  I like sometimes the missing factor - time apart where you miss each other and save up stories to tell instead of being in each other's space too much so that there are no new stories, so that the stories that are repeated are -fun -but not so interesting anymore. 

Last night I actually found a new to me show my husband has been watching for a short while -Poker Face -and even though at the time he was watching it I desperately need to sit with a book and a snack and wind down to get good quality sleep I joined him in watching it on and off and having fun commenting on the various shenanigans of an episode involving aging heavy metal rockers lol.  So I relinquished my need for quiet wind down time/space in favor of hanging with him and watching Poker Face without a poker face (highly recommend it -very well done/well acted/kind of edgy).

I am sad for people who need space because they loath their partners -that to me is the opposite extreme and there's so much in between.  

Count me in!  My husband and I are so apart during the  majority  of time due to our employment.  Therefore,  what little time there is left to spare,  we'll take!  We only have brief weeknights,  very limited,  precious weekends and a sprinkling of holidays here and there throughout the year which are few and far between.  We barely have enough time as it is whenever we're off the clock from our jobs.  Therefore,  we truly enjoy dinnertime to catch up about our day even if it's leftovers from home cooked meals or occasional take out dinners.  We rarely dine out and if we do,  it's a treat.  On weekends,  we'll have some sort of outing if we can squeeze it into our already frenetically paced lives. 

We have our normal chores and tasks to tend to in our household just like any other household. 

As for local friends,  relatives and in-laws,  sure,  we're with them at random but not more than several times a month at best.  They're quite busy, too.  Most people are.  We have to schedule socializing and pencil it into our calendars. 

I generally have "me time" after everyone in my house is asleep for the night.  I'll read library books (real paper books!),  work on my sewing / quilting projects,  other craft type hobbies,  cook / bake or sometimes I'll watch the TV news with ear buds to maintain a quiet house.  Or, I'll take a long,  hot bath. 

Yes,  I agree,  the likes of my sister and cousin who've fled their abhorrent husbands at every opportunity is sad.  Better they than me though.  😋

[Cherylyn]

8 hours ago, Whirling D said:

I think almost everyone on here would probably want to be able to get to the point that you and your husband are at… Sounds awesome!

sadly, likely very few will ever get there.  🙁🙁

Thank you @Whirling D.  It's been this way ever since we were newlyweds. 🙂 It's not that difficult nor complicated to want to be together while also having one's own life outside marriage (and children). In our case,  either together or separate,  we have rapport with our local relatives and in-laws as well.  Fortunately,  some of us didn't move faraway from each other.   However,  lately,  we've been curtailing our togetherness time with relatives and in-laws.  We were with them more often in the past and nowadays,  not as much.   It frees up our weeknights and weekends which we relish very much. 🧡 We plan and schedule socializing with our local friends (and relatives / in-laws) either individually or as couples time permitting between our jobs and immediate family life.

I hope many of you get there.  The secret is to find the right one.  Tall order,  I know but never give up!