Is she clingy, or am I crazy? I requested to take a break

[sunday_luthier]

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

Narcissists are shallow (full stop)...I guarantee her animosity is gone - just a way to manipulate a response.  You enable her behavior each time have responded to her BS.

Check out https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani - you need it.

Honestly, just run...and don't look back.  Their goal in life to keep someone on the hook.

I discovered her channel and watched many of her videos after the breakup.  I know it sucks to label people, but I feel Dr Ramani's description of the "vulnerable narcissist" matches my ex-GF exactly.

[tattoobunnie]

31 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

I discovered her channel and watched many of her videos after the breakup.  I know it sucks to label people, but I feel Dr Ramani's description of the "vulnerable narcissist" matches my ex-GF exactly.

Calling others derogatory names isn't nice or necessary or helpful to anyone, but it's not the same as learning to recognize completely common traits in toxic individuals (Spotting red flags).  This is what will help you in the long run in choosing a good partner.

I stumbled upon Dr. Ramani after dealing with this one new "friend" who was a part of my COVID bubble - Took me and my hubs honestly a whole year for us to process and decompress from that insanity.

[sunday_luthier]

Ok, so I'm pretty sure I know what to do about what happened today, but I'm interested in what other forum members have to say.

Breakup was mid-April.   I have since gone completely no-contact.  I had told her I would before doing so.

I received a stamped enveloppe today in the mail, one day after her birthday.

No sender written on the envelope.

It was a short note from my ex.  She apologizes for her behavior , for causing me pain and anxiety, that it was not what she wants (in the present tense), and that she will continue to respect my current need for space.

The relationship is over.  I made it crystal clear six months ago.

I plan not to react whatsoever.  Any thoughts?

[Andrina]

13 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

that she will continue to respect my current need for space.

Well, she hasn't respected that, so that's an idiotic statement from her. During a time right before blocking became a common function on most phones, I got a text from an ex who'd broken up with me 5 months earlier. I thought, "How dare he interrupt my closure?" 

Stirs up a lot of negative emotions, for sure.  Yes, don't react. Throw the note in the garbage where it belongs. She will get tired of trying to communicate with a ghost and eventually stop. Happy Halloween.

[SophiaG]

Late to the thread but upon reading your earlier posts, OP, this breakup is long past due. She's just trying all tactics now to get some kind of reaction from you - just so that she can continue to work her magic hoping you'll fall back under her spell. Honestly, I feel bad for her. But you should not fall back into the trap. Do nothing and like @Andrina said, she'll eventually stop.

Happy Halloween!

[sunday_luthier]

55 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Well, she hasn't respected that, so that's an idiotic statement from her. 

Absolutely!  I hadn't thought of that but you hit the nail right on the head!  It's on par with the many conflicting words and behaviors she's shown me during our relationship.

[sunday_luthier]

59 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Throw the note in the garbage where it belongs

I did, but a friend of mine suggested to take it out and keep it as evidence, just in case I need to file a restraining order against her.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

I did, but a friend of mine suggested to take it out and keep it as evidence, just in case I need to file a restraining order against her.

No harm keeping it in a file folder in a drawer just in case.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

I plan not to react whatsoever.  Any thoughts?

Perfect! You've got this, and good for you.

[smackie9]

Yes the best reaction is no reaction. People like her want drama, so they push your buttons to make you lose control...that makes them feel in control. 

[ShySoul]

On 10/31/2024 at 7:36 AM, sunday_luthier said:

It was a short note from my ex.  She apologizes for her behavior , for causing me pain and anxiety, that it was not what she wants (in the present tense), and that she will continue to respect my current need for space.

The relationship is over.  I made it crystal clear six months ago.

How is this a bad thing? 

She gave you an apology. She said she was sorry for what she did and causing you pain.

This is her accepting things and give herself closure the only way she could since you won't speak to her. This is her saying the thing that was in her heart so that she could let it go.

The last time you spoke to her you said she sounded better. You said "her attitude is mature, grounded and respectful, and her words are everything I wanted to hear...that she knows I have a need for time alone and that she does too, ..she has no idea why she was acting so needy and aggressive towards me."

That's twice she has reached out in a civil manner. Maybe she is sincere? Maybe she is having a hard time wrestling with what happened and with herself? Maybe she feels guilty? Maybe she feels she needs your forgiveness?

She didn't ask to get back together. She didn't ask to see you or be with you. Why assume the worse about her? Holding onto bad feelings towards her and assuming she is lying or up to something is just going to hold you back. As long as you continue to see her in a bad light and blame her for things, you'll never really have moved on. 

Accept this for what it most likely was, an apology.

[sunday_luthier]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

How is this a bad thing? 

She gave you an apology. She said she was sorry for what she did and causing you pain.

This is her accepting things and give herself closure the only way she could since you won't speak to her. This is her saying the thing that was in her heart so that she could let it go.

The last time you spoke to her you said she sounded better. You said "her attitude is mature, grounded and respectful, and her words are everything I wanted to hear...that she knows I have a need for time alone and that she does too, ..she has no idea why she was acting so needy and aggressive towards me."

That's twice she has reached out in a civil manner. Maybe she is sincere? Maybe she is having a hard time wrestling with what happened and with herself? Maybe she feels guilty? Maybe she feels she needs your forgiveness?

She didn't ask to get back together. She didn't ask to see you or be with you. Why assume the worse about her? Holding onto bad feelings towards her and assuming she is lying or up to something is just going to hold you back. As long as you continue to see her in a bad light and blame her for things, you'll never really have moved on. 

Accept this for what it most likely was, an apology.

She is not an evil person, and I'm sure she feels guilty.  I genuinely feel sorry for her but I've seen enough of her Jekyll and Hyde routine.  

It might be a simple apology, and it might be a hoovering tactic.  It doesn't matter.  I always tell my kids that if they do someone wrong, fix it and sincerely apologize for it, the person on the receiving end of that apology can still decide to forgive them or not.  Either way, that decision to forgive is out of their hands and they can move on.

She can move on without me breaking the no contact rule.

[ShySoul]

51 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

I always tell my kids that if they do someone wrong, fix it and sincerely apologize for it, the person on the receiving end of that apology can still decide to forgive them or not.  Either way, that decision to forgive is out of their hands and they can move on.

You are the person on the receving end. The decision to forgive is in your hands. You are modeling to not forgive. Or at the minimum, you are saying you can forgive a person, you can just keep that to yourself and let the other side wonder why they never got an answer so that they have to live the rest of their life with the doubts and uncertainty.

It's your're right to do whatever you want to. Personally, that wouldn't be the lesson I would want to teach my children. That wouldn't be what I would hope for if I was in the shoes of the one asking for forgiveness. And it wouldn't be something I could live with myself for, denying another person forgiveness and closure.

I was in your position, having been seriously hurt by a woman who treated me poorly. She had a bit of Jykell and Hyde herself. I tried not taking to her. It only made me feel worse. It was only after I did talk to her, got the apology, that we could both but it behind us. The making peace with each other allowed us to let go of everything bad that had happened so that we instead remember all the good and still be friends. 

Probably the anomaly in this, but raising above all the hurt feelings and craziness of the past and coming to peaceful terms with a person, keeping them in your life if at all possible, is a noble goal that is well worth it. 

[SophiaG]

8 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

She is not an evil person, and I'm sure she feels guilty.  I genuinely feel sorry for her but I've seen enough of her Jekyll and Hyde routine.  

It might be a simple apology, and it might be a hoovering tactic.  It doesn't matter.  I always tell my kids that if they do someone wrong, fix it and sincerely apologize for it, the person on the receiving end of that apology can still decide to forgive them or not.  Either way, that decision to forgive is out of their hands and they can move on.

She can move on without me breaking the no contact rule.

Great attitude. You can also forgive without needing to reach back out - you've already had a friendly convo last time she showed up - there's no need at all to break the no contact which IMO is the best for both you and her.

[ShySoul]

What harm would be done by sending a letter back saying something like:

"Thank you for the apology. I accept. I wish you the best in your future."

That's it. Shows respect and compassion for both parties. Creates a clean slate. There doesn't have to be any in person contact. There doesn't have to be any further communication. It can simply be a gesture of peace and no hard feelings. 

Yes, you can forgive and not respond. But accepting an apology shows compassion towards the other person. And every person is deserving of being shown compassion.

Sometimes I really wonder how many people are still holding onto grudges from long ago because they never took the time to do simple, small gestures such as this. How many look back years later and still question if maybe they could have taken five minutes to make a person's day and help them heal. 

You can never know if you are fully healed from a situation if you never talk to a person. At best the situation will be buried underneath all the other stuff that life brings. But the moment you can have a nice, peaceful conversation with an ex, that is the moment you will forever know that everything is in the past.

Sunday_luthier, I hope you end up happy. And I really hope she can be okay as well.

[sunday_luthier]

6 hours ago, ShySoul said:

What harm would be done by sending a letter back saying something like:

"Thank you for the apology. I accept. I wish you the best in your future."

That's it. Shows respect and compassion for both parties. Creates a clean slate. There doesn't have to be any in person contact. There doesn't have to be any further communication. It can simply be a gesture of peace and no hard feelings. 

Yes, you can forgive and not respond. But accepting an apology shows compassion towards the other person. And every person is deserving of being shown compassion.

I was in a relationship for almost 3 years with this woman.  This is not someone who believes in "staying on good terms".  She still vilifies her ex's from years ago.  She holds on to grudges towards her family, her coworkers...  I believe the note she sent me is nothing but another power move.

However, on the off chance that it is just a sincere apology, I agree that the response you suggest would be civil and contribute to both parties' closure, and it also reestablishes that the relationship is definitely over.  I will consider it.

[ShySoul]

52 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

I was in a relationship for almost 3 years with this woman.  This is not someone who believes in "staying on good terms".  She still vilifies her ex's from years ago.  She holds on to grudges towards her family, her coworkers...  I believe the note she sent me is nothing but another power move.

However, on the off chance that it is just a sincere apology, I agree that the response you suggest would be civil and contribute to both parties' closure, and it also reestablishes that the relationship is definitely over.  I will consider it.

I tend to believe in redemption and that there is always a chance a person can turn over a new leaf. I freely admit that what I say isn't going to be the standard response most people will give or what most people will believe. And I don't know this woman, so I defer to you judgement. 

You asked for opinions, I gave it knowing it would probably be counter to what you and everyone else would think. But I've seen people do things that have shocked me and tried to make amends when no one believe they would. So I always leave room for at least a little bit of hope.

It's your call and I respect that. Do what you think is best. And I hope you have better luck with future relationships.

[SophiaG]

8 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

I was in a relationship for almost 3 years with this woman.  This is not someone who believes in "staying on good terms".  She still vilifies her ex's from years ago.  She holds on to grudges towards her family, her coworkers...  I believe the note she sent me is nothing but another power move.

However, on the off chance that it is just a sincere apology, I agree that the response you suggest would be civil and contribute to both parties' closure, and it also reestablishes that the relationship is definitely over.  I will consider it.

I don't think there's any need to "reestablish" anything. Again each person finds their own closure in their own time - if anything you reaching out will probably delay her from finding her closure. One response triggers another - and where's the end? Let the past stay in the past.

[tattoobunnie]

On 5/31/2023 at 11:50 AM, sunday_luthier said:

...she can be dismissive and cold...I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time.  

This is not what a life partner should make you feel like. 

You do absolutely nothing with this letter, except stick it in a bottom of a drawer, and save it in case she tries to retaliate.  You owe her nothing.  Do not write back or acknowledge it.  It only sends a message that this is what it takes to get your attention.

[tattoobunnie]

Also, look up hoovering tactics by Narcissists.

[sunday_luthier]

16 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Also, look up hoovering tactics by Narcissists.

Yes, I've read about hoovering.

Since I told her I was going no-contact, she has

• parked her car at the end of my street
• posted on an FB group that I'm also on to say that she was hospitalized for a severe allergic reaction.  I'm pretty sure she wanted me to check on her
• Re-shared a picture of us on vacation through Google photos
• sent me this letter

So yes, my gut feeling is telling me she's trying to hoover me back in.  I didn't trust my gut during the relationship when it was telling me something wasn't right.  I'm going to trust it now and not react.  

She once told me her ex had been stalking her, parked his car on her street and that she had to file a restraining order against him. I'm starting to wonder if it wasn't the other way around.