When to call it quits even when your partner is generally kind and you seem to have a lot in common?

[Robin789]

I'm at a crossroads with my partner of 2 years. He seems to be a really good match for me BUT...

his behavior is inconsistent sometimes; specifically, he can be somewhat concerned about my well being but other times he is very self centered (to my detriment) so it's confusing.

he can be very pushy to the point of making me laugh or cry on things that I've tried to pace him like living together he does pull back a little and then before I know it I'm dealing with his pushiness again

I've figured out he is petrified of being alone and seems desperate to be coupled and living together but I'm not ready. As many times as I tell him I am not ready to look at homes together he continues to bring it up and it makes me very anxious and nervous (which I told him as well).

we both care for one another but I feel exhausted from dealing with him sometimes and also trying to figure out what to do...I'm exhausted and admit to not necessarily looking forward to seeing him and this has been going on for several months. I don't know if this is because I don't want to deal with his bad behavior or I don't care anymore? How do I know?? 

Do I lose him by breaking up and then regretting it?

[Batya33]

What would be your purpose in sharing living space? Are you not ready because to you it would mean a stronger commitment emotionally and not just financially/sharing physical space and committing to successful cohabiting? 

I would use I statements.  I feel frustrated when you do ___.  I feel respected when you show you care about me and I am walking on eggshells because I feel upset when you seem to go to the other extreme and act in an uncaring way.  I feel  that you are choosing to be with me because you are afraid of being alone instead of actually wanting me.

See what he says.  

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Robin789 said:

  o I lose him by breaking up and then regretting it?

Why would you want to live with someone like this? It doesn't matter if he's afraid to be alone, you're not a therapist, mother or babysitter.

It may be difficult because of the 2 year attachment but then you'll be free from his coercion and overbearing attitude.

Don't be hustled into bad situations so he can have you pay half the bills, a housekeeper and easier access to sex. What exactly is in this for you?

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why would you want to live with someone like this? It doesn't matter if he's afraid to be alone, you're not a therapist, mother or babysitter.

It may be difficult because of the 2 year attachment but then you'll be free from his coercion and overbearing attitude.

Don't be hustled into bad situations so he can have you pay half the bills, a housekeeper and easier access to sex. What exactly is in this for you?

I agree and I might give it one more chance with a direct clear conversation and see what he says. Then she will know in a short conversation she did all she could. If he wants to change his ways/get help to change his ways cool and perhaps he will have to admit she's more of a placeholder/a comfort pillow than a true partner.

[Cherylyn]

He sounds very insecure.  I wouldn't want to be with a guy like that.  He's petrified of being alone?  I wouldn't want to be with a guy who lacks self confidence and has low self esteem because it makes you feel nervous,  unsteady and stressed.  He sounds very insistent to the point of obnoxiousness.  You know he's not for you because of his red flags.  He's too alarming.  No regrets should you break up.  You'll be doing yourself a favor,  actually.

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Robin789 said:

I've figured out he is petrified of being alone and seems desperate to be coupled and living together but I'm not ready. As many times as I tell him I am not ready to look at homes together he continues to bring it up and it makes me very anxious and nervous (which I told him as well).

we both care for one another but I feel exhausted from dealing with him sometimes and also trying to figure out what to do...I'm exhausted and admit to not necessarily looking forward to seeing him and this has been going on for several months. I don't know if this is because I don't want to deal with his bad behavior or I don't care anymore? How do I know?? 

Do I lose him by breaking up and then regretting it?

Sounds like you've 'figured him out', and you're exhausted from it all - after just 2 yrs.

It may be, that no matter what he'll always be a challenge in something 😕 .

If you're feeling it now, imagine what you'll be like in 5 yrs, etc.

IMO, he's not for you.  Then be honest and be done with him.  He sounds like someone who IS needy and possibly too needy or negative.

Is good that you notice all of this now, not when you've moved in together, etc.. right?  

 

[Big Stan]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I feel  that you are choosing to be with me because you are afraid of being alone instead of actually wanting me.

See what he says.  

I agree.  This sounds like your big fear OP.  I would for sure let him know this fear and iron it out.  Most people, myself included, tend to avoid addressing the issues that hurt us but those are really the only issues that matter.  Once you address them you'll feel much better.  Maybe you're right, and he is just afraid of being alone and talking to him about it will get him to realize that the solution to his problem is doing some work on himself not moving in with you.  

Maybe you're wrong, and he will express to you how much he wants to move in with you because of who you are and you'll feel better about it.  Either way, if you're thinking of breaking up with him you have nothing to lose by heading right at the issue. 

[lostandhurt]

Interesting you never state how much you love him or are in love with him.  After 2 years you would know.

 Moving in together is like having a baby together, neither makes a bad relationship better so you shouldn't do it.

 You should be excited about seeing him more, excited about sharing your life each day with him instead of dreading it.  I think you already know what you need to do but you came here for validation.

 It is all to easy for strangers to say "break up with him" when we have zero emotional connection.  It simply is not that easy or you wouldn't be here would you?  If you feel like you have tried everything and the person you see in front of you is who he really is then believe it.  This is who he is good and bad and his neediness is not likely to magically go away because you live together. 

Strange how the one thing he fears the most is causing that very thing to happen.

 Lost

[Tinydance]

Well you didn't give any examples of what exact things/behaviours your partner is doing. So I can't really comment on that part. I think you actually have your answer already if you want to be with him or not. I actually didn't think that after being together for two years that's it's too full-on or pushy to move in together. The fact that you're resistant to moving in with your partner and you're "not ready" probably means you don't see a future with him. If you did then I don't think you'd be so against the idea. Obviously you have some kind of gut feeling that you're incompatible.

[Kwothe28]

I wouldnt move in with the guy. I mean imagine thinking so low of your partner to call him "desperate"? And not even wanting to see him. You clearly think very low on him. To the point I wonder who really is self-centered in this relationship.

6 hours ago, Robin789 said:

Do I lose him by breaking up and then regretting it?

Quite possibly. Todays dating market is wacky. But again, you dont even like the guy and even dont want to see him anymore. So, it would be for the best for both of you if you separated. Then he can find somebody who is exctactic to see him and wants to live with him. And you can find somebody like you who after 2 years doesnt even want to live together.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Robin789 said:

 he is very self centered (to my detriment) 

Trust your instincts. Being this manipulative and selfish are things to run from. Talk to trusted friends and family. Research "red flags for controlling relationships".  See if pushing for more involvement or manipulation is part of what you're going through.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Moving in together is like having a baby together, neither makes a bad relationship better so you shouldn't do it.

Most pointedly if the two people have different reasons for doing so or if it's mostly for financial convenience aside from the wedding date is set soon and why maintain two places.

[tattoobunnie]

17 hours ago, Robin789 said:

many times as I tell him I am not ready to look at homes together he continues to bring it up and it makes me very anxious and nervous (which I told him as well).

After two years, and you are still have anxiety of building a future with them, it's time.  You already know they aren't the one for you.  It doesn't make either of you a bad guy; you're just not right for eachother.