My mother doesn't take me seriously

[Alex39]

My mother and I are very close. Like best friends. I live 2 hours away, so we typically visit each other's homes and spend the weekend. I love spending quality time together. Shopping, kayaking, grabbing an ice cream. 

I feel like my mother treats me like a dumb little kid. I'm 31. I keep telling her to stop, but she doesn't understand. She thinks she's helping me. 

Examples:

Telling me how to drive, step by step at times. I'm 31 years old. It makes me anxious and I don't like it. When I say this she tells me I'm a horrible driver and she needs to tell me how to drive. I drive myself around alone 90% of the time and feel fine doing it. she criticizes how I park, how I turn, when I go, when I don't go.

She tells me- don't make that face, don't bite your nail, don't stand that way, stop pouting, stop talking like that, stop looking confused,  stop slouching, stop texting, on and on. 

I feel like I want to explode. Days of this over and over. It gets to you. She'll even say- no wonder you don't have a guy. 


But then we'll go out to dinner and chat away and laugh and have fun.


She comes to my house and cleans everything ctitisizing me, then insists on fixing my yard. We'll kill ourselves outside for hours. I want to take breaks. I usually do little bits everyday on my own. She likes to slave away for 8 hours doing everything. My body hurts. I'm tired. If I stop or complain, she says I'm weak. I literally demanded we stop the other day. I told her it was my house and I didn't want to do XYZ. She said she'll do it herself and walked outside. She doesnt respect me. She insists she is helping me and she wants the best for me. She in her mind is helping her children have the best in life. She will make me work with her for days on end. I'm exhausted, bored, frustrated, dirty, sore.  She doesn't care. The other day I threw a temper tantrum, because I just told her I wanted to relax for one day and spend quality time with her, not doing yard work. She ignored me and made us do yard work. She critisized me for being emotional.

And she'll say- well you don't have to. But if I don't help her, after the fact she'll complain saying how she busted her behind alone. Like I was lazy. I'm not. I just don't like killing myself until I'm sore and uncomfortable. I then have to turn around and work the next day and I'm tired.

She'll offer to buy me something when we are out. Say a plant or a chime. But, if I pick one out she doesn't like, she'll really not want to buy it and tries to convince me out of it onto one that she likes.

I'm not perfect. She is just trying to help me. But I feel my mom is ruining my self esteem.

When I try and set boundaries, she ignores me and makes me out to be dramatic, immature, emotional, difficult. I can't win.
I love her, I want her help, I love quality fun time. Life is too short idont know what to do. I've tried explaining my feelings, but it's not ever taken seriously. 

[Batya33]

In interactions like these simply limit the time spent and the environment and context. With your mother full weekends seem to be a very bad idea.  I understand it’s a 2 hour drive. So practically speaking no one wants to do a 4 hour round trip to spend one afternoon together. So plan activities that don’t involve intense interaction. Take a class together - cooking , yoga , etc. go to a lecture or a movie. 
and be transparent. “Mom I can’t wait to spend the weekend with you. I find that we don’t get along well if we’re in each others space 24/7. So how about we spend the afternoon together and have a simple dinner - I’ll do take out - and then we can do separate stuff in the morning. I might run an errand and if you prefer to garden that’s great to do when I’m out. 
I adore my mom.  When we visit we stay with her in my former childhood home that has 2 bedrooms. In the morning I leave to work out outdoors then return and shower and prepare my breakfast. Meanwhile she hangs with her grandson and they’ll make breakfast together. Then around 11 or so I leave with kycsok for an outing.

She’s invited but she’s 88 so she prefers to stay behind if it involves a lot of travel these days. Then we come back late afternoon or early evening and we typically take her to dinner sometimes with friends. It’s a really good balance so we both get space. She also wants to “help” cause she’s my mama even though I’m 56. we see her a couple times a year. 
 

Like if I make a grilled cheese my way she “suggests” I do it her way. Or she’ll focus on whether I’m eating enough etc. but she’s my mom.

Her father used to tell her to look both ways  when she crossed the street between our apartments.  When she was 40 and I was 8.  She took it in stride. He was her dad and an awesome loving dad. 

I think setting boundaries will be awkward but the alternative - not seeing her at all - just shouldn’t happen as I think you agree.  

[Cherylyn]

Limit being with your mother in person.  Make yourself less available.  Same with electronic communication.  Limit that as well.  You can't change her but you can control how often you must tolerate her shenanigans.   Don't feel so close to your mother anymore.  Learn to emotionally detach.

My local mother isn't the easiest person to have a rapport with so I take very LONG breaks in between seeing her.  Same with phone chats which are seldom and very brief.  I'll deliver home cooked meals and household supplies to her house perhaps once every so many months or several times a year at best. 

Boundaries are taking some difficult people in very small doses and the majority of the time,  they are far away from you so you can enjoy peace and quiet without them in your midst.  I do this with people whom I do not like. 

Take control back into you life as I've done.  You'll be much happier.  🙂

[Batya33]

From my perspective since you say she is your best friend and you love her please don’t try to detach. She’s your only mom and you love her you just are like oil and water sometimes.  I get it. I suggest the boundaries approach where you still see her in person. I would like to see my mom more in person and we’ve lived 800 miles apart since 2009.  But we talk a couple of times a week and my sister and she do as well. Then my sister and I catch up once every ten days so between the 3 of us we keep in touch plus sister and I know mom is doing ok.
My mom lives alone / my dad died in 2016 -and has tons of friends right nearby and is active and independent but - she’s 88 and we worry about her and try not to tell her we worry lol. 
if it weren’t your mom I would be ok board for perhaps keeping an emotional distance. Please try to stay focused on cherishing as much of the time you have with her as possible. Maybe a thicker skin because I get that she triggers you ? My mom lately repeats herself more and sometimes it’s really annoying. But. She’s 88 and I mean who knows what the future holds. I pray for at least 50 more years of course.  And yes she was quite judggey when I was still single in my 30s. 
I know it’s not to the extreme of you must be close to your mother. I don’t believe that either. But you say you are and I’d hate to see you emotionally detach if at all possible not to. 

[Seraphim]

This ISNT quality time . Go less often . Too much mommy time . 

[Cherylyn]

p

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

From my perspective since you say she is your best friend and you love her please don’t try to detach. She’s your only mom and you love her you just are like oil and water sometimes.  I get it. I suggest the boundaries approach where you still see her in person. I would like to see my mom more in person and we’ve lived 800 miles apart since 2009.  But we talk a couple of times a week and my sister and she do as well. Then my sister and I catch up once every ten days so between the 3 of us we keep in touch plus sister and I know mom is doing ok.
My mom lives alone / my dad died in 2016 -and has tons of friends right nearby and is active and independent but - she’s 88 and we worry about her and try not to tell her we worry lol. 
if it weren’t your mom I would be ok board for perhaps keeping an emotional distance. Please try to stay focused on cherishing as much of the time you have with her as possible. Maybe a thicker skin because I get that she triggers you ? My mom lately repeats herself more and sometimes it’s really annoying. But. She’s 88 and I mean who knows what the future holds. I pray for at least 50 more years of course.  And yes she was quite judggey when I was still single in my 30s. 
I know it’s not to the extreme of you must be close to your mother. I don’t believe that either. But you say you are and I’d hate to see you emotionally detach if at all possible not to. 

I truly wish I could think like you along these terms,  @Batya33.  It's hard though.  I realize our mothers are impermanent.  I agree very much. 

However,  you don't know a person's individual,  very painful history and suffering with each mother (or father / siblings / relative or whomever).  I know in the end,  I'll know that I gave the best I could with what I had to work with and the battle scars I had to carry along the way.  No one can grasp it to no fault of your own. 

For one's own mental survival,  often times emotionally detaching oneself is the only recourse left after exhausting all other avenues of patience,  tolerance and endurance.   Pretending to ignore snide comments,  mistreatment,  obnoxious disrespect,  lies,  theft,  deceit,  betrayal and countless habitual,  chronic transgressions for decades are all encounters and haunted memories too much to bear. 

Sure,  I'll be bereft one day when she passes away but I know I did what I could as I mustered my strength within reason and my realistic limits.  Emotional detachment saves a lot of people. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

p

I truly wish I could think like you along these terms,  @Batya33.  It's hard though.  I realize our mothers are impermanent.  I agree very much. 

However,  you don't know a person's individual,  very painful history and suffering with each mother (or father / siblings / relative or whomever).  I know in the end,  I'll know that I gave the best I could with what I had to work with and the battle scars I had to carry along the way.  No one can grasp it to no fault of your own. 

For one's own mental survival,  often times emotionally detaching oneself is the only recourse left after exhausting all other avenues of patience,  tolerance and endurance.   Pretending to ignore snide comments,  mistreatment,  obnoxious disrespect,  lies,  theft,  deceit,  betrayal and countless habitual,  chronic transgressions for decades are all encounters and haunted memories too much to bear. 

Sure,  I'll be bereft one day when she passes away but I know I did what I could as I mustered my strength within reason and my realistic limits.  Emotional detachment saves a lot of people. 

Yes I agree. I was responding to her specific situation and how she's described her relationship.  That is my opinion about her specific mother-daughter relationship.

[Cherylyn]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I agree. I was responding to her specific situation and how she's described her relationship.  That is my opinion about her specific mother-daughter relationship.

If a mother-daughter relationship is not enjoyable at every encounter,  then emotionally detaching oneself saves a person's sanity.  Feeling emotional towards a person is what causes a lot of added mental strain and weight.  I've found emotional detachment to be a lifesaver because with emotional detachment,  one feels numb instead of being drawn to that person out of guilt or obligation.  Just because a mother raised you,  doesn't mean you owe anything to her if she didn't treat you right growing up and / or if she still doesn't treat you right as an adult.  We're not forever in their debt.  Emotional detachment makes it easier to be more pragmatic and practical instead of emotions drawing you back to them repetitively.  Emotions cloud one's judgement.  What goes around comes around.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

If a mother-daughter relationship is not enjoyable at every encounter,  then emotionally detaching oneself saves a person's sanity.  Feeling emotional towards a person is what causes a lot of added mental strain and weight.  I've found emotional detachment to be a lifesaver because with emotional detachment,  one feels numb instead of being drawn to that person out of guilt or obligation.  Just because a mother raised you,  doesn't mean you owe anything to her if she didn't treat you right growing up and / or if she still doesn't treat you right as an adult.  We're not forever in their debt.  Emotional detachment makes it easier to be more pragmatic and practical instead of emotions drawing you back to them repetitively.  Emotions cloud one's judgement. 

Yes I understand what you are saying.  I don't agree that that would be advisable here and I don't agree that a mother daughter relationship needs to be enjoyable at every encounter or that an encounter that is not enjoyable has the severe impact you mentioned. 

I balance it differently based on my life experiences plus the life experiences of many many people I know with challenging, troubled, complicated relationships with their moms as well as all the reading I've done over the years about parent-child relationships and my past experiences as a child care provider and teacher.  I don't think I'm right or wrong at all.  Just giving the OP my personal opinion based on what she wrote and how I understood what she wrote. 

I never wrote about the OP owing a darn thing to her mother -maybe you read that in another post and thought I wrote it.  I don't think she is in her debt.  I think it would be a mistake in her particular situation at this point to emotionally detach.  And very very sad -a true shame.  Boundaries for sure -but I need not repeat what I wrote above.

[Cherylyn]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I understand what you are saying.  I don't agree that that would be advisable here and I don't agree that a mother daughter relationship needs to be enjoyable at every encounter or that an encounter that is not enjoyable has the severe impact you mentioned. 

I balance it differently based on my life experiences plus the life experiences of many many people I know with challenging, troubled, complicated relationships with their moms as well as all the reading I've done over the years about parent-child relationships and my past experiences as a child care provider and teacher.  I don't think I'm right or wrong at all.  Just giving the OP my personal opinion based on what she wrote and how I understood what she wrote. 

I never wrote about the OP owing a darn thing to her mother -maybe you read that in another post and thought I wrote it.  I don't think she is in her debt.  I think it would be a mistake in her particular situation at this point to emotionally detach.  And very very sad -a true shame.  Boundaries for sure -but I need not repeat what I wrote above.

I meant owing meaning emotional attachment.  Owing meaning,  I need to see my mother because she's my mother warts and all.  Emotional detachment is good because it makes it easier to be with her mother less often,  make herself less available,  curtail electronic communication and not have that pull towards her mother out of guilt or obligation.  It's a mental ploy and coping mechanism to apply to dicey relationships whether you can afford to become completely estranged or not. 

Being numb from emotional detachment makes one more resilient or so I've noticed.  When I was emotionally attached,  I felt weaker and susceptible to caving and acquiescing.  Emotional detachment made me tougher,  stronger and more resolute as opposed to allowing emotions to draw me into what I really don't want to do.  

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I meant owing meaning emotional attachment.  Owing meaning,  I need to see my mother because she's my mother warts and all.  Emotional detachment is good because it makes it easier to be with her mother less often,  make herself less available,  curtail electronic communication and not have that pull towards her mother out of guilt or obligation.  It's a mental ploy and coping mechanism to apply to dicey relationships if you can't afford to become completely estranged. 

I see and understand what she wrote differently than you do.  I don't agree with your approach in this situation.  I love that the OP can read what we each wrote and take what she wants from each -or take nothing or whatever. All good. Please of course continue to write and share -totally up to you!- and I'm bowing out of any debate as I don't think I'm right or wrong -sharing an opinion, recognizing it is one of many, yours included.  I believe I've shared all I can on giving my input that might help the OP.  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

My mother and I are very close. Like best friends. I live 2 hours away, so we typically visit each other's homes and spend the weekend.

Unfortunately you're trying to fix and change her. You'll have to find other activities for yourself on weekends.  She is who she is. You can only change you.  If she's a nagging helicopter parent, that's who she is. You'll have to create some appropriate distance. So all the power to do that is in your hands.

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you're trying to fix and change her. You'll have to find other activities for yourself on weekends.  She is who she is. You can only change you.  If she's a nagging helicopter parent, that's who she is. You'll have to create some appropriate distance. So all the power to do that is in your hands.

Exactly, we change no one but ourselves . 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

Exactly, we change no one but ourselves . 

It's the only healthy control you have.  👍

[Big Stan]

By reading this and your other threads a common theme is starting to emerge.  You seem to see others as the cause of your problems.  Whether or not what you say is true I have some bad news for you.  You can't change anyone else.  People are all out here living our own lives doing the best we can.  Some of us are managing better than others.  

We have people who are almost entirely good, everything they do is great and everyone around them loves them.  We also have people who are almost entirely bad, everything they do takes away from and hurts those around them.  Most people fall somewhere in the middle.  All you can do is live in the good and minimize the bad of others.  

If your mom is generally a kind and nice person then enjoy that, but ignore the parts when she is trying to be helpful but is just hovering.  If your friends married guys you don't like be happy for them and supportive but don't let yourself be used in a way you don't feel comfortable with.  The common denominator here is you.  

The only person you really have any control over is yourself.  I think your time is much better spent figuring out how to make YOU do what you want instead of trying to control the behaviors and actions of other people.  Let it go, you can't change it and swimming upstream just makes your arms tired.  

[Alex39]

I do try to control everything and everyone. When I was little, I was a quiet, easily swindled, sheep. I let people walk all over me. I was too giving, too nice, and too naive. I let others bully me and I catered to others, over myself. I was sometimes a joke for others, as I wasn't always in on a cool joke or was very naive and too sweet. I'd say something maybe wrong, and I was laughed at or judged. My mother was one too, not just other children. Look this way, act this way, don't say this word. 

When I finally did start being honest or upfront with people about my wants or needs, people never took it well. They'd act shocked when I'd put my foot down or set boundaries. They made me feel mean or overly emotional for being myself and not letting them use me or walk on me. 

I then got super quiet and introverted, a shell, during my teens. Afraid to be social or noticed. I felt scared and awkward. Afraid for people to judge me. I hate this version of me. It's not me. I'm fun, cute, social. But sometimes I revert back to this me, out of fear. 

I think because of this, I completely flipped to the opposite spectrum as an adult. I'm so afraid of letting others manipulate me, use me, hurt me, walk all over me, that I come across as overly- no one is going to tell me what to do, type attitude. 

I judge my friends, and I don't know why. Maybe it makes me feel better about myself. Maybe I see bad parts of myself in them. I'm Maybe attacking myself, by attacking them. 

 

[Seraphim]

It is not sheepel to be non judgemental. You can be nice and have boundaries. You be open and social and have boundaries. They are not exclusive. Introverted and judgemental doesn’t mean you have boundaries . Insecure doesn’t mean you have boundaries. Many insecure people are profoundly lacking boundaries. 

[LootieTootie]

Again, this is part of growing up. Learning yourself and knowing your boundaries. Your mom is always gonna be just who she is. If you know you can only take a small dosage of her because the longer you guys are together, the more likely you both will just butt heads, then stop inviting her over. You have to protect your mental health, and part of protecting your mental health is not spending so much time with your mom. 

You should not be spending every weekend with your mom as a single 30 year old. Let me rephrase, as a single 30 year old woman who wants a relationship, you need to be working on making Alex appealing, attractive, and alluring. And I can tell you "spending my weekends with my mom" doesn't fit that bill for most people. So think of ways to get out more and make some new friends. Even if you're not the most gregarious person in a room full of people, the more you show up, people will want to know you and talk to you. 

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I do try to control everything and everyone. When I was little, I was a quiet, easily swindled, sheep. I let people walk all over me. I was too giving, too nice, and too naive. I let others bully me and I catered to others, over myself. I was sometimes a joke for others, as I wasn't always in on a cool joke or was very naive and too sweet. I'd say something maybe wrong, and I was laughed at or judged. My mother was one too, not just other children. Look this way, act this way, don't say this word. 

When I finally did start being honest or upfront with people about my wants or needs, people never took it well. They'd act shocked when I'd put my foot down or set boundaries. They made me feel mean or overly emotional for being myself and not letting them use me or walk on me. 

I then got super quiet and introverted, a shell, during my teens. Afraid to be social or noticed. I felt scared and awkward. Afraid for people to judge me. I hate this version of me. It's not me. I'm fun, cute, social. But sometimes I revert back to this me, out of fear. 

I think because of this, I completely flipped to the opposite spectrum as an adult. I'm so afraid of letting others manipulate me, use me, hurt me, walk all over me, that I come across as overly- no one is going to tell me what to do, type attitude. 

I judge my friends, and I don't know why. Maybe it makes me feel better about myself. Maybe I see bad parts of myself in them. I'm Maybe attacking myself, by attacking them. 

 

Well,  I hate to break it to you but you can't control everything nor everyone.  You can control yourself,  have the freedom to choose what you prefer to do but controlling everything and everyone is unrealistic. 

I can relate to when you were little.  I was bullied,  a doormat,  a real people pleaser,  very naive and sweet.  I was raised to put up and shut up otherwise I was severely punished.  My parents ruled with an iron fist. 👊 🤛 🤜  School was a nightmare. 

I'm quiet and introverted and lately,  not a risk taker because failing during social interactions is not worth it to me.  No way.  I prefer to keep my social circle small.  I do not need to be the life of the party nor win a popularity contest.  I have my set number of closest,  best friends,  I enjoy being with my husband a lot,  am a mother of sons and my life is full and complete. 

I find it amusing that my sister needs to constantly be surrounded by a ton of girlfriends and quite the social butterfly while married to a stifling jerk as if she escapes him at every opportunity. 🙄 Funny how she is.  She has since gained a lot of weight whereas I've lost a lot of weight.  I'm the complete opposite.  I'm happily married and don't need to flee in order to breathe.  Something is wrong with her picture.  Yikes.  😖

I'm reminiscent of you.  I've been hurt a lot so my walls are up.  I can't speak for others but I prefer to play it safe.  In the past,  whenever I was vulnerable,  I was fair game.  My relatives and in-laws took me for granted,  took advantage of my goodwill and kindness.  I'm passive nowadays and don't volunteer to do anything for them anymore, the bunch of ingrates that they are.  I sit back and relax. 

Sure,  I'm still nice but I don't go overboard anymore.  My husband,  sons and I are unavailable the majority of time.  It works quite well.  Strict boundaries are heavily enforced.  Do this with your mother. 

My mother doesn't take me seriously either so I've written her off.  I'm still nice to her but I have my limits.  It seems to work very well lately. 

I judge my relatives and in-laws because they had it coming.  My patience with them has since worn thin.  No more free passes. 

However,  my friends and colleagues have been great.  No complaints there. 

I don't hate this new version of me.  My only regret is I didn't change sooner otherwise I could've saved myself a lot of unnecessary grief.  Better late than never. 

Don't be so hard on yourself.  Being on your guard is a positive trait to have.  Erring on the side of caution is a way to protect yourself from harm. 

As for your friends,  choose them wisely.  None of my friends act like your friends.  Eliminate those who don't treat you with respect and consideration in mind.  You don't need them.  Don't be with friends who don't bring joy to your life.

Scale back being with your mother and make yourself unavailable.  Don't invest so much of yourself into her anymore.  I always believe that people should behave properly and honorably and if they don't,  don't be with them anymore or in the case with your mother,  at least greatly reduce socializing with her.  This is healthy control for yourself.  

It's fine to judge especially if you're not treated well.  Don't place yourself in uncomfortable,  unhappy situations with certain people to begin with.  Avoid miserable scenarios and situations by not being there in the first place!  This is what I do and it works great. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Alex39 said:

My mother and I are very close. Like best friends. we typically visit each other's homes and spend the weekend. 

I'm not sure how you are going to make friends or meet men if this is your social life. Does your mother work? Is she happily married? Why are you hanging out every weekend?

[SherrySher]

13 hours ago, Alex39 said:

My mother and I are very close. Like best friends. I live 2 hours away, so we typically visit each other's homes and spend the weekend. I love spending quality time together. Shopping, kayaking, grabbing an ice cream. 

I feel like my mother treats me like a dumb little kid. I'm 31. I keep telling her to stop, but she doesn't understand. She thinks she's helping me. 

Examples:

Telling me how to drive, step by step at times. I'm 31 years old. It makes me anxious and I don't like it. When I say this she tells me I'm a horrible driver and she needs to tell me how to drive. I drive myself around alone 90% of the time and feel fine doing it. she criticizes how I park, how I turn, when I go, when I don't go.

She tells me- don't make that face, don't bite your nail, don't stand that way, stop pouting, stop talking like that, stop looking confused,  stop slouching, stop texting, on and on. 

I feel like I want to explode. Days of this over and over. It gets to you. She'll even say- no wonder you don't have a guy. 


But then we'll go out to dinner and chat away and laugh and have fun.


She comes to my house and cleans everything ctitisizing me, then insists on fixing my yard. We'll kill ourselves outside for hours. I want to take breaks. I usually do little bits everyday on my own. She likes to slave away for 8 hours doing everything. My body hurts. I'm tired. If I stop or complain, she says I'm weak. I literally demanded we stop the other day. I told her it was my house and I didn't want to do XYZ. She said she'll do it herself and walked outside. She doesnt respect me. She insists she is helping me and she wants the best for me. She in her mind is helping her children have the best in life. She will make me work with her for days on end. I'm exhausted, bored, frustrated, dirty, sore.  She doesn't care. The other day I threw a temper tantrum, because I just told her I wanted to relax for one day and spend quality time with her, not doing yard work. She ignored me and made us do yard work. She critisized me for being emotional.

And she'll say- well you don't have to. But if I don't help her, after the fact she'll complain saying how she busted her behind alone. Like I was lazy. I'm not. I just don't like killing myself until I'm sore and uncomfortable. I then have to turn around and work the next day and I'm tired.

She'll offer to buy me something when we are out. Say a plant or a chime. But, if I pick one out she doesn't like, she'll really not want to buy it and tries to convince me out of it onto one that she likes.

I'm not perfect. She is just trying to help me. But I feel my mom is ruining my self esteem.

When I try and set boundaries, she ignores me and makes me out to be dramatic, immature, emotional, difficult. I can't win.
I love her, I want her help, I love quality fun time. Life is too short I dont know what to do. I've tried explaining my feelings, but it's not ever taken seriously. 

You teach people what you'll accept and how to treat you, even your Mother.

If you tell her you're not okay with her criticizing and you refuse to be around her if she continues, then you must make good on your stance and do not change your stance until she apologizes and changes her behavior towards you.

Her spending time with you, means her respecting you...end of.

If you keep bending, and accepting her toxic treatment, she will never take you seriously.

It does not matter if it's a family member, or your own Mom...no one should be constantly berating you over and over.

Only you can change that.

 

[SherrySher]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I do try to control everything and everyone. When I was little, I was a quiet, easily swindled, sheep. I let people walk all over me. I was too giving, too nice, and too naive. I let others bully me and I catered to others, over myself. I was sometimes a joke for others, as I wasn't always in on a cool joke or was very naive and too sweet. I'd say something maybe wrong, and I was laughed at or judged. My mother was one too, not just other children. Look this way, act this way, don't say this word. 

When I finally did start being honest or upfront with people about my wants or needs, people never took it well. They'd act shocked when I'd put my foot down or set boundaries. They made me feel mean or overly emotional for being myself and not letting them use me or walk on me. 

I then got super quiet and introverted, a shell, during my teens. Afraid to be social or noticed. I felt scared and awkward. Afraid for people to judge me. I hate this version of me. It's not me. I'm fun, cute, social. But sometimes I revert back to this me, out of fear. 

I think because of this, I completely flipped to the opposite spectrum as an adult. I'm so afraid of letting others manipulate me, use me, hurt me, walk all over me, that I come across as overly- no one is going to tell me what to do, type attitude. 

I judge my friends, and I don't know why. Maybe it makes me feel better about myself. Maybe I see bad parts of myself in them. I'm Maybe attacking myself, by attacking them. 

 

There is nothing wrong with healing and making sure that people no longer walk all over you, or refuse to accept bad treatment by others.

But it doesn't have to be done in an angry way.

You can stand up for yourself, letting others know that you're sorry, but it's not working for you in how they treat you, and then refuse to allow them into your life anymore if they continue with the bad treatment.

Can you change others? Well, no. But you can change on what you allow in your life.

Do you judge your friends because maybe this is what you were taught by your Mother?

You grew up constantly being judged and criticized and now you carry on this behavior.

It's good that you're admitting fault though, because only then can you change that.

Notice that you're doing it, flip the script and stop yourself. 

Each time you feel the urge to judge, remember how it made you feel when your Mom did that to you.

You can change to pattern of toxic behavior and not carry on what you're been taught.

If you don't like their behavior, or something they are doing, ask yourself if it's worth continuing to be friends with this person due to whatever behavior of theirs is bothering you.

If you can deal with it, then let it go, don't judge.

If you can't, then walk away from them.

It really is this simple.

But keep all the judgements to yourself. 

By the sounds of it, you have grown quite a lot and you've learnt strengths..that's a really good thing.

Keep healing, keep growing and learn to communicate to others on what is okay in your life and what isn't.

 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Seraphim said:

It is not sheepel to be non judgemental. You can be nice and have boundaries. You be open and social and have boundaries. They are not exclusive. Introverted and judgemental doesn’t mean you have boundaries . Insecure doesn’t mean you have boundaries. Many insecure people are profoundly lacking boundaries. 

This is so wisely put and in a way I hope OP that makes deep sense and common sense to you -I'd save this as a go to.  OP it's also good that you notice when you try to control others -and see that you don't like when your mother attempts the same.  Certainly our backgrounds/childhoods matter but please don't get stuck there especially if you're using it as an excuse to treat yourself or others in an unhealthy/unproductive way.  

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

You should not be spending every weekend with your mom as a single 30 year old. Let me rephrase, as a single 30 year old woman who wants a relationship, you need to be working on making Alex appealing, attractive, and alluring. And I can tell you "spending my weekends with my mom" doesn't fit that bill for most people.

Thanks -I didn't see it was every weekend. I could not agree more. 

When I was single and 31 my planning for weekend or the occasional weekday evening I wasn't working late didn't have to do with my parents plans -and they lived 40 minutes by public transit and frequently came into the city for their own plans/activities so I could have seen them every weekend. 

Typically I found out what friends were doing and/or had a date (at 31-32 I started dating a man seriously but I wasn't engaged or anything) - and sometimes my parents would mention -that they'd be in the city with one of my nieces and did I want to meet up to see the kids etc. 

But it was more of like an afterthought -we had our own lives and activities, putting aside holiday/mother's day etc.  I did speak to my mom almost every day -she's really fun to talk to and we are very close.  But yes - have your own life and see your mom for sure but every weekend -as Lootie put it -seem excessive. Lootie, thank you for pointing that out. 

[boltnrun]

You say you want to meet a nice man and marry and have a family.

How is that supposed to happen when you're spending every weekend with your mom? And you're spending every weeknight on your couch with your cat or in your kitchen baking? Serious questions.