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How Am I going to get past the fear


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Many of you know my husband had a severe TBI from a bicycle accident last year. The anniversary date is coming up, June 8. He is back riding his bicycle to work. Every time he does I feel like I am going to throw up and he has to tell me he got there immediately when he gets there. Today he went right into an O group and he told me after. My stomach hurts so bad and I just want to puke . His going back to bike riding is too much for me. I can’t see him have another accident and lose speech and memory etc etc . It took months and months to regain normal function and he STILL isn’t working full time and just had a brain scan to see if the brain injury is permanent  and he still needs to see a cognitive speech therapist. 
 

Nope, can’t do it again . 

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I am right there with you.  I get it.  What do you mean by O? Does he wear a helmet?

I really don't know the answer.  It's so so hard when the person is an adult and our 
input is just that -input. I mean I know a guy who did really risky mountain climbing type stuff when his 3 kids were young -I mean I'm not a fan of parents undertaking such risky activities in that situation but I know many families or parents who would say my stance is too controlling, etc. 

I don't think you can demand your husband not do this AND I completely understand if you end up telling him "look I know you feel like you can do this.  I am suffering from it physically and emotionally.  And  I think it's reality based given your accident and your not being fully healed. Is there any way we can figure out alternatives or some sort of compromise?"

I don't even know if that is possible.  I hope it helps that I write I am here with you, I hear you and I understand I am so sorry you're so stressed and anxious.

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I used to drive back and forth between where I was currently living and where I used to live.  Three hundred miles each way, through desert and mountains.  At 3:00 AM, sometimes through monsoons and thick fog and hail.  Never felt the slightest twinge of fear.  Until one time I was driving back home and had a high speed tire blowout going down a 7% grade.  Fortunately I was able to pull to the side of the highway without an accident happening.  But ever since then I have been, frankly, terrified to make that drive.  I HATE it.  But I was raised in a sports family and we were taught if the horse throws you (figuratively speaking, of course, since we didn't own horses), you immediately get back on or you run the risk of being frightened for the rest of your life.  So that's what I did.  I still am terrified and I still HATE that drive, but I force myself to do it.  

Most of my family and friends didn't think much of it, but a few of them really disliked me making that drive alone.  They insisted I call or text as soon as I got to my destination, no matter what time it was.

So I admire your husband for getting back on the horse so to speak, and I also understand your nervousness.  

 

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4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I used to drive back and forth between where I was currently living and where I used to live.  Three hundred miles each way, through desert and mountains.  At 3:00 AM, sometimes through monsoons and thick fog and hail.  Never felt the slightest twinge of fear.  Until one time I was driving back home and had a high speed tire blowout going down a 7% grade.  Fortunately I was able to pull to the side of the highway without an accident happening.  But ever since then I have been, frankly, terrified to make that drive.  I HATE it.  But I was raised in a sports family and we were taught if the horse throws you (figuratively speaking, of course, since we didn't own horses), you immediately get back on or you run the risk of being frightened for the rest of your life.  So that's what I did.  I still am terrified and I still HATE that drive, but I force myself to do it.  

Most of my family and friends didn't think much of it, but a few of them really disliked me making that drive alone.  They insisted I call or text as soon as I got to my destination, no matter what time it was.

So I admire your husband for getting back on the horse so to speak, and I also understand your nervousness.  

 

He is not afraid of that for sure. He loves biking . It reminds him of his mother. When he was a little kid him and his and mom and sister would go on like 30 KM bike rides on the weekend through the country side . He loves it , loves it . Also his doctor telling him to get back and on and not be afraid but just be aware of your surroundings. 

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20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It’s really reassuring to hear his doctor is on board with this. 

Hahaha she said obviously no off-road biking or stunt biking but regular biking is ok just watch for potholes like the one that took him out . 

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Hopefully, your husband as all the safety features during his cycling such as recommended blinking red light for his helmet,  blinking red tail light,  blinking headlight,  rear view mirror,  protective sunglasses or night glasses,  etc.  Use lights even during daytime. 

Is your husband cycling to and from work or for recreation and fitness?  Is he cycling in traffic or in suburban residential neighborhoods? 

Would he be amenable to a safer sport?  I would be worried,  too especially if he's cycling with traffic on city streets which I agree,  is indeed treacherous and not for the faint of heart.

I too would be concerned for his safety.  I'm sorry (((Seraphim))) 💗

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35 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Hopefully, your husband as all the safety features during his cycling such as recommended blinking red light for his helmet,  blinking red tail light,  blinking headlight,  rear view mirror,  protective sunglasses or night glasses,  etc.  Use lights even during daytime. 

Is your husband cycling to and from work or for recreation and fitness?  Is he cycling in traffic or in suburban residential neighborhoods? 

Would he be amenable to a safer sport?  I would be worried,  too especially if he's cycling with traffic on city streets which I agree,  is indeed treacherous and not for the faint of heart.

I too would be concerned for his safety.  I'm sorry (((Seraphim))) 💗

He has all the safety features , yes. We live on base so no heavy traffic . He is just going from the residential area to his work building. He does it mostly for fitness and has done it for 12 years and never had an issue until last year. 

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Yeah that's a really hard one.  I almost got hit by a car myself last week out for a run.  I used to worry about that a lot too, being killed by one of my hobbies.  What got me past it is realizing that a life devoid of risk isn't really a life worth living.  Riding his bicycle isn't something considered that dangerous.  I realize that from your perspective it absolutely is, and feeling that way is totally understandable.  

One of my rock climbing coaches said that being afraid while doing it was silly because once you're on the wall you've already accepted the danger.  Either you need to accept that danger or not do it.  Writing this out doesn't sound comforting at all, but it does help me to think there are worse ways to die than doing something you love doing.  I don't take unnecessarily stupid risks, but I do have a motorcycle and I do rock climb.  No free soloing or anything stupid like that, but it's still a little dangerous.  And motorcycling and bicycling are both probably fairly equal in danger. 

I guess for me living a perfectly safe life doesn't seem authentic or really a life worth living.  I'm not sure this response is helpful at all but I find comfort in these thoughts.  

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2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

He has all the safety features , yes. We live on base so no heavy traffic . He is just going from the residential area to his work building. He does it mostly for fitness and has done it for 12 years and never had an issue until last year. 

Pray a lot ! 🙏 ❤️  Hopefully, he'll be extremely careful.  With any sport or anything in life including driving, we have to be defensive in order to be safe. 

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13 hours ago, Big Stan said:

Yeah that's a really hard one.  I almost got hit by a car myself last week out for a run.  I used to worry about that a lot too, being killed by one of my hobbies.  What got me past it is realizing that a life devoid of risk isn't really a life worth living.  Riding his bicycle isn't something considered that dangerous.  I realize that from your perspective it absolutely is, and feeling that way is totally understandable.  

One of my rock climbing coaches said that being afraid while doing it was silly because once you're on the wall you've already accepted the danger.  Either you need to accept that danger or not do it.  Writing this out doesn't sound comforting at all, but it does help me to think there are worse ways to die than doing something you love doing.  I don't take unnecessarily stupid risks, but I do have a motorcycle and I do rock climb.  No free soloing or anything stupid like that, but it's still a little dangerous.  And motorcycling and bicycling are both probably fairly equal in danger. 

I guess for me living a perfectly safe life doesn't seem authentic or really a life worth living.  I'm not sure this response is helpful at all but I find comfort in these thoughts.  

He doesn’t take unnecessary risks either. It was an unfortunate accident . It had rained heavily the night before and the pothole was full of water and he was thinking about work and not the road . He hit the pothole and his bike flipped entirely backwards and he hit the back of his head off the road. He hit so hard his helmet broke. The ER doctor said he would have been 100% dead had he not been wearing a helmet. Then the next day the impairments became very apparent. It is his third severe TBI  and his eight concussion and he is in his 50’s so harder to recover . 
 

He is determined to bike so I am hoping I eventually get over the terror of it . 

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1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

He doesn’t take unnecessary risks either. It was an unfortunate accident . It had rained heavily the night before and the pothole was full of water and he was thinking about work and not the road . He hit the pothole and his bike flipped entirely backwards and he hit the back of his head off the road. He hit so hard his helmet broke. The ER said he would have been 100% dead had he not been wearing a helmet. Then the next day the impairments became very apparent. It is his third severe ABI and his eight concussion and he is in his 50’s so harder to recover . 
 

He is determined to bike so I am hoping I eventually get over the terror of it . 

Of course he didn't take unncessary risks.  And each person and each couple balances what it is to live life vs. risks.  Many of us had to do that during the pandemic even if we weren't accustomed to doing this sort of balancing and there was a wide range of behaviors and likely even a wider range of judgments like "what do you mean you wear a mask while you're outdoors/you're actually eating inside at a restaurant?" 

Two weeks ago I fell for the first time in many years on a sidewalk while on holiday and walked away with significant bruises, cuts, scrapes, torn clothing and a fair amount of blood.  Because I broke my fall with my hands I didn't hit my head and it was a gentle enough fall that I broke nothing.  Obviously it didn't mean I didn't walk on a sidewalk again and in fact my son and I walked on that part of the slippery/bumpy sidewalk again for a bus stop. I still have cuts/scrapes two weeks later - I heal a bit slower now!

But I also no longer exit a shower even in my own home without holding on to something which never occurred to me to do 10 years ago or so.  I wouldn't let my son bike in traffic here either. 

I never liked the "you have to live your life/only live once" because too often it's too vague and too often it's posed as a judgment against someone who's subjectively seen as risk averse.  I do like it as part of an internal analysis when faced with risks.  It's part of mine since I'm not a fan of traveling and know it's so good for me to rock my world and such an education now for our son who's been traveling with us to different countries and states forever. 

Seraphim - I mean to me biking is a normal activity to do, it's great exercise and for your husband also functional and practical and it's also probably really rewarding and affirming for him to get right back onto the bicycle ASAP.  I applaud you for not standing in his way, I am so sorry you feel that worry and stress and I hope he remembers to check in so you're not in that situation.  I want you to feel good and peaceful as much as possible.    

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8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Of course he didn't take unncessary risks.  And each person and each couple balances what it is to live life vs. risks.  Many of us had to do that during the pandemic even if we weren't accustomed to doing this sort of balancing and there was a wide range of behaviors and likely even a wider range of judgments like "what do you mean you wear a mask while you're outdoors/you're actually eating inside at a restaurant?" 

Two weeks ago I fell for the first time in many years on a sidewalk while on holiday and walked away with significant bruises, cuts, scrapes, torn clothing and a fair amount of blood.  Because I broke my fall with my hands I didn't hit my head and it was a gentle enough fall that I broke nothing.  Obviously it didn't mean I didn't walk on a sidewalk again and in fact my son and I walked on that part of the slippery/bumpy sidewalk again for a bus stop. I still have cuts/scrapes two weeks later - I heal a bit slower now!

But I also no longer exit a shower even in my own home without holding on to something which never occurred to me to do 10 years ago or so.  I wouldn't let my son bike in traffic here either. 

I never liked the "you have to live your life/only live once" because too often it's too vague and too often it's posed as a judgment against someone who's subjectively seen as risk averse.  I do like it as part of an internal analysis when faced with risks.  It's part of mine since I'm not a fan of traveling and know it's so good for me to rock my world and such an education now for our son who's been traveling with us to different countries and states forever. 

Seraphim - I mean to me biking is a normal activity to do, it's great exercise and for your husband also functional and practical and it's also probably really rewarding and affirming for him to get right back onto the bicycle ASAP.  I applaud you for not standing in his way, I am so sorry you feel that worry and stress and I hope he remembers to check in so you're not in that situation.  I want you to feel good and peaceful as much as possible.    

Yes, he does it for exercise mostly but also to save on gas and vehicle wear and tear. But mostly because he enjoys biking. I am glad he got back on and conquered fear. 
 

I just have to trust he will be ok. 

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12 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Yes, he does it for exercise mostly but also to save on gas and vehicle wear and tear. But mostly because he enjoys biking. I am glad he got back on and conquered fear. 
 

I just have to trust he will be ok. 

Those are all such healthful reasons.  And also practical. You have a good man there.  And separately yes I'd also worry!!  

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1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

He doesn’t take unnecessary risks either. It was an unfortunate accident . It had rained heavily the night before and the pothole was full of water and he was thinking about work and not the road . He hit the pothole and his bike flipped entirely backwards and he hit the back of his head off the road. He hit so hard his helmet broke. The ER doctor said he would have been 100% dead had he not been wearing a helmet. Then the next day the impairments became very apparent. It is his third severe TBI  and his eight concussion and he is in his 50’s so harder to recover . 
 

He is determined to bike so I am hoping I eventually get over the terror of it . 

You're 100% right.  Biking in and of itself isn't a crazy risky activity and he was smart and wore a helmet.  Unfortunate things do happen, and I hope he recovers fully and doesn't suffer any more effects from riding his bike.  It's also a great reminder for myself and everyone else to wear safety gear and minimize danger when doing things.  

The only way I know to get over it is time, and hopefully you will have the time you need to come to terms with it.  That's also why I always wear my helmet when on my motorcycle.  Way back when I took my motorcycle class and the instructor told a story about a guy and his friend who were on the side of the road talking.  The one guy slipped and his bike tipped over.  He hit his head on the curb and died.  That same thing happened to me years later but I had a great helmet on.  I dusted myself off and the only thing injured was my pride.  

Hopefully he has many trouble free riding years ahead of him. 

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4 hours ago, Big Stan said:

You're 100% right.  Biking in and of itself isn't a crazy risky activity and he was smart and wore a helmet.  Unfortunate things do happen, and I hope he recovers fully and doesn't suffer any more effects from riding his bike.  It's also a great reminder for myself and everyone else to wear safety gear and minimize danger when doing things.  

The only way I know to get over it is time, and hopefully you will have the time you need to come to terms with it.  That's also why I always wear my helmet when on my motorcycle.  Way back when I took my motorcycle class and the instructor told a story about a guy and his friend who were on the side of the road talking.  The one guy slipped and his bike tipped over.  He hit his head on the curb and died.  That same thing happened to me years later but I had a great helmet on.  I dusted myself off and the only thing injured was my pride.  

Hopefully he has many trouble free riding years ahead of him. 

I hope so. He has been in much more dangerous situations than riding his bike and been ok. Maybe it will be a one time accident . 

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It is very hard to be the person sitting at home while your loved one rides off.  I never really understood why my dad was so concerned when I rode away on my motorcycle even though he knew I was an excellent rider but he also knew I was young and twisted the throttle hard.  Watching my disabled son drive away the first time alone I suddenly knew how my dad felt.  He is 23 now so I can't tell him he needs to let me know when he leaves and arrives so I just learned to trust that he isn't going to do anything stupid and be smart.  If I dwell on it I can easily fall into what you feel but as bad as it sounds I just don't think about it.  Really there is no other way for me but to accept I cannot control what happens other than trust how well I taught him to drive.

I have a gorgeous niece that wants to move to LA and be an actress. She is super smart but still very young and naive. Frankly I am scared to death of her being taken advantage of or worse.  My sister raised her very well so once again I have to trust in the things I cannot control. 

 This sounds like something your husband enjoys so hopefully as time goes by these feelings ease and you won't get all tied in knots every time he gets his bike out.

Lost

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1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

I hope so. He has been in much more dangerous situations than riding his bike and been ok. Maybe it will be a one time accident . 

Yeah it sounds like a pretty rare/ freak occurrence.  Stuff like that is scary but it sounds like once in a lifetime type thing if that.  

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