Master Co-ercer

[confused_as_all_heck]

I have been dating a man for around 6 months now. For the most part, things have been great. He is a gentleman- carries my things, will get me water and food before I think to ask, etc. But early on we started being active sexually, and he was pushy from the start. First it was him wanting to do a.nal, which I was uncomfortable with but he pushed it until I finally agreed. Then he revealed he had a thing for being pegged, which yet again I was uncomfortable with. But after enough time of asking, I agreed. I have a history of SA and so I always made it clear that the one thing I NEEDED was for him to respect when I say no, and he has failed time and time again. There have been multiple instances where he has head pushed or demanded something, and it's all felt too close to SA for comfort. But he has always apologized after and I felt like maybe it's in my head because of my past trauma. But yesterday I was tired and sick, did not want to do anything sexual and said so multiple times. He kept pushing for something because he was clearly horny (maybe drunk?) and so I agreed he could masturbate in bed while I was beside him. But he stopped after a minute and wanted me to participate. I said no, and he said to take off my shorts. In my head I figured better to get it over with so we both pulled them off but then I went to ride him and I was not at all wet and it was hurting very bad to try and have penetration and I said so. I said I do not want to do this. He started to finger me and I did get more wet at that point, but I was crying and trying to push his hand away. I was brought back to my past experience. He kept going and said he liked it. I am just so confused. This man says he loves me and shows it most of the time, but I can't feel unsafe like I did yesterday. And then I told him this and his only question was, "are you going to tell anyone?". I feel very alone and don't know what to do.

[Big Stan]

This sounds like he raped you to me.  At the very least you need to break up with him and see a therapist ASAP.  This might even be something to report to the police.  I'm not sure if you told him no or what exactly transpired but it sounds like you were clearly uncomfortable and he didn't care.  Get away from this relationship immediately. 

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, confused_as_all_heck said:

I have been dating a man for around 6 months now. But early on we started being active sexually, and he was pushy from the start. 

Hopefully you don't live together. Please go to a clinic/physician ASAP for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Explain precisely what happened.  Please talk to trusted friends, family and professionals about what is going on

Please contact some resources for information:

https://hotline.rainn.org/online

[Kwothe28]

Quote

Master Co-ercer

I would just say that he is perverted horn-dog but OK lol

Anyway, as such you are completely incompatible. You who have a history of SA and him who is a perverted guy who demands more and more to satisfy his sexual fantasies. It would never work no matter how he treats you outside of bed. Not to mention what you described could also be classified as SA.

[Batya33]

I’d never ever see him again. He’s no gentleman. Not in any way that counts. I’d also seek some sort of professional counseling and maybe consider a female self defense class to build your self esteem. 

[1a1a]

That’s rape. It’s wearing a disguise but it still is. 
 

https://fugitivus.wordpress.com/2009/01/08/another-post-about-rape/

 

I hope you find the courage to leave this selfish being. 

[kehratha]

On 5/28/2023 at 8:33 PM, confused_as_all_heck said:

 And then I told him this and his only question was, "are you going to tell anyone?". I feel very alone and don't know what to do.

Even he knows that what he did was WRONG, that's why he's afraid you are going to tell. Which is exactly what you should do. 

This was rape, "marital rape" if you like, but still rape.

Making you do uncomfortable things is not LOVE.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, kehratha said:

Even he knows that what he did was WRONG, that's why he's afraid you are going to tell. Which is exactly what you should do. 

This was rape, "marital rape" if you like, but still rape.

Making you do uncomfortable things is not LOVE.

I don't think it has a thing to do or should be distinguished from when a rape between married people is treated as "marital rape" because the two people obviously know each other and have a commitment.  This is a man she's been dating for a couple of months. 

But in truth she is lying to herself about knowing him -she looks at his putting on the "gentleman" manners and this courtly stuff as who he is on the inside but it's not true. And she wants it to be true especially since a significant part of who she sees herself as is this virginal/never been touched -not judging that but it informed her decisions in dating this person.  

Many women are assaulted and raped by men they know (I was sexually assaulted by men I knew) and I wouldn't make the distinction between that and stranger rape/assault in this situation.  She said no and he continued. I agree with 1A1a