Fragile Male Ego?

[AngeD]

No offense to men, but I am so over having to tiptoe around my partner's feelings and emotions. We literately got into an argument because he owes me money. I mentioned it and he said I was "b*tching" and being "cruel." 

I feel this was very unfair. I simply told him, I have concerns about moving together because of the money that is still owed to me. I do not want to be the main provider if we do move. He's been blaming covid about his financial struggles to his industry, but honestly, that was 3 years ago. When I met him, he was doing well.

I told him I am just not sure how certain I am about this move if he cannot make the effort to even pay me monthly. He went on and on about how he can make a large sum of money just like that. I wanted to tell him, if that was true, then why hasn't it happened? But I reframed. 

Then I proceeded to tell him we should talk about a plan on how we can still be able to move and I would not have to be the main provider. I mentioned how is he going to travel around town when he does not have a car, but I do? Are you going to drop me off at work and pick me up? How is this going to work? That's when he proceeded to tell me, "now you're b*tch*ng about the car? Are you telling me you wouldn't let me use the car to get to work?" I told him that's not what I was saying, I'm trying to bring to light how is this all going to work!?

Then of course I'm cruel because I don't have enough patience for him to get setup up in our new city to look for work because I'm complaining about finances. 

He asked me if I still want him to move in with me and I couldn't say yes or no. It would be nice to workout everything and get to a point where we did not worry about finances, but I've been patient for way too long. 

It's like I was open and honest about my feelings which he always wants me to be, but if those feelings are not positive, then I am cruel.

 

I'm not sure if this a rant of mine or honestly hoping that someone would just respond and tell me, "don't feel bad, you're in the right."

 

Thanks for reading

 

 

[Cherylyn]

He's gaslighting you whenever he sidesteps your questions and statements.  Gaslighting is deflecting,  changing the subject,  twisting the conversation around on you so you're the bad guy and not he.  He's manipulating the conversation.  He's controlling the dialogue so you're left defending yourself and explaining the situation in maddening,  vicious,  endless circles.  Around and around it goes.  ☹️  It's the oldest, dirtiest trick in the book.

Don't move in together.  It seems to me that he has no intentions to ever repay you whatsoever.  You may never see the money repaid to you by him.  I'm sorry.  This is your permanent monetary loss,  the cost and terrible price you may very well have to endure for having a relationship with him.  He does not want to part with his money even if he can afford to repay you. 

It doesn't sound like your relationship was meant for long term.  Only you will determine this outcome which is rather obvious to you. 

It has nothing to do with his fragile male ego.  It's his defective character for which there is no cure.   Whether male or female,  if people don't wish to repay you monetarily,  they will refuse and won't follow through with it.  It's money you'll never see again.  Cut your losses and you will figure out whether or not you wish to dump him.  He doesn't sound like a keeper.  ☹️

Some people take legal action as their last resort and recourse.  Some people can't or won't. 

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, AngeD said:

. We literately got into an argument because he owes me money. I mentioned it and he said I was "b*tching" and being "cruel." 

 

Sorry this is happening how long have you been together? How old is he? Does he have steady employment now? Tell him he needs to pay you back. Don't let him bully you out of it. Please do not combine finances or live together. He's looking for a parent, not a partner.

[AngeD]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening how long have you been together? How old is he? Does he have steady employment now? Tell him he needs to pay you back. Don't let him bully you out of it. Please do not combine finances or live together. He's looking for a parent, not a partner.

He's 47. He has steady employment but he's not making enough. This is why he wants to move, to make more money. 

[AngeD]

Just now, AngeD said:

He's 47. He has steady employment but he's not making enough. This is why he wants to move, to make more money. 

We have been together for 5 years

[Cherylyn]

Just now, AngeD said:

He's 47. He has steady employment but he's not making enough. This is why he wants to move, to make more money. 

It sounds like he doesn't want to pay you back nor his intentions to do so.  Don't move in with him.  He doesn't sound like a good guy for you long term.  ☹️

[AngeD]

6 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

It sounds like he doesn't want to pay you back nor his intentions to do so.  Don't move in with him.  He doesn't sound like a good guy for you long term.  ☹️

Thank you. You are probably right. 

[Big Stan]

I would say the way you write about him with contempt is a bigger reason to not move in together than any money he owes you.  Clearly you do not respect the man.  

[AngeD]

He would be moving in with me because of where I live. The area is booming with his type of work. If he were to move in with me, it would be for 4 months because my lease is up then. I don't want to make excuses for him, but originally I figure I would test the 4 months and if it's the same BS, then I'm out. But then at the same time, why bother? Even as I type and re-read what I typed, it sounds crazy. Idk.

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, AngeD said:

He would be moving in with me because of where I live. The area is booming with his type of work. If he were to move in with me, it would be for 4 months because my lease is up then. I don't want to make excuses for him, but originally I figure I would test the 4 months and if it's the same BS, then I'm out. But then at the same time, why bother? Even as I type and re-read what I typed, it sounds crazy. Idk.

I’d move him in only because you two love each other and want to strengthen your commitment. Not for financial reasons. I’m baffled as to why you think this is about his gender. Sounds like it’s about two people with issues about finances and division of labor. 

[lostandhurt]

This isn't ego, this is his character.  If I owed you money I would be working hard to pay you back as soon as possible even picking up a side job to get it done.

It doesn't sound like he has a good work ethic and looks to blame others for his flaws.

You sound like a realist and very responsible while he sounds like the opposite. That is not even a slightly good match for long term partners.  Moving in with you will just make it harder to cut him loose and just show you more of what you already know.  I know you are hoping he will step up but he has shown you who he is, now it is time for you to accept that this guy is the wrong guy for you.

  5 years is a long time to invest in a relationship that is in this condition.  Time to let go of hoping it will get better and end this so you can heal and move on without him.

Lost

[Kwothe28]

I dunno what is more scary. Him being verbally abusive(well actually both of you because "OMG fragile male ego" is very sexist). Or you being so materialistic that you only think about the money. Your whole post is not about how you agree and not agree, just about how he doesnt earn as much as you do. When you started dating he earned more so it was all good. But now suddenly when you are suppose to pick up a slack a bit, its an issue. I have a feeling that if he found a better job tomorrow, everything would suddenly be OK to you. Because then he would be "a provider". And you could again appreciate and respect him. Because to you man earning less probably means he is a lesser human being.

Ask your money back. And leave and find some SugarDaddy instead. Because it seems that is all you are looking from a relationship.

Also, took a look at your other threads. You are early 30. He is 47. Yeah, go figure that out.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, AngeD said:

 If he were to move in with me, it would be for 4 months because my lease is up then. 

Where does he live now? Is this a distance situation? Why are you lending him money and for what? 

He's clearly comfortable just coasting along in the status quo borrowing money and letting you chauffeur him around and play secretary finding him a better job.

If he were interested in getting better jobs, getting a car and building a future with you, he would do those things on his own accord. 

[catfeeder]

23 hours ago, AngeD said:

I'm not sure if this a rant of mine or honestly hoping that someone would just respond and tell me, "don't feel bad, you're in the right."

Don't feel bad, you're right.

Quote

I am so over having to tiptoe around my partner's feelings and emotions. 

Are you over it enough to ditch this brat and then just take him to small claims for the money?

I would not, under ANY circumstances, move in with this man. That's not even based on whatever money he owes, but rather how he speaks to you.

You deserve a better man. I hope you'll recognize that soon enough to stop wasting your time with this dude.

[HeartGoesOn]

Where does he currently live, and why doesn't he have a car?

On 5/26/2023 at 4:36 PM, AngeD said:

I mentioned it and he said I was "b*tching" and being "cruel." 

He has little respect for you, yet you,re allowing it. (no offense intended).   His attitude will never change, nor will his tantrums.  What's in this for you?

[LootieTootie]

This isn't an ego thing. This is about a relationship that isn't working. When you tolerate someone who uses you and doesn't show any appreciation or effort to return the kindness and support, you absolutely have every right to be "***ing." 

This relationship sounds exhausting and this man doesn't respect you to keep investing in him.

[Coily]

This guy is a bum, simple as. It’s not male anything, not you being too demanding; it’s simply that he has no respect for himself.

Some industries do struggle post pandemic, I know first hand. But it’s no excuse to not be trying everyday if one has some shred of dignity.