what is wrong with me

[pdccfff]

ive had a boyfriend for a few months now and almost everything is perfect between us. but i have this one little problem and i dont know how to deal with it.

just sometimes we talk, i tell about my problems and he gives me advice. i know its nothing bad and that is nice of him, but often i dont want to use them. i have reasons (some of them make sense and others dont) and i feel like im making them up to not do what he said. but thats also true - i just dont want to do it, i think i will feel like im not doing it for myself but for him, to not dissapoint him. 

and always its like that, he tells me advice, i say i dont want to and give reasons but later i feel bad about it and like i should had done it. 

[bluecastle]

Can you give an example of this, to help with context? Like a problem you've come to him with, and advice he's offered that hasn't quite sat with you well? And does he say anything specifically that makes you think he's disappointed that you didn't follow his advice to a T? 

Generally speaking, I think it's common that a number of people, men and women, will hear someone voicing an issue and immediately jump to offering a solution. Well meaning as this is—and I've been super guilty of this in the past—it often skips over what someone is seeking in the moment, which isn't a solution so much as just being heard. 

Anyhow, in the future you can maybe say something like, "I appreciate the advice, but I think all I really need right now is for you to listen. I know I can take care of this, I'm just feeling momentarily rattled..." Assuming he's a decent dude, he'll likely hear that and go, "Ah, I get it." 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, pdccfff said:

Just sometimes we talk, i tell about my problems and he gives me advice. i know its nothing bad and that is nice of him, but often i dont want to use them.

Sorry this is happening. How old is he?

You're right that he's trying to help by giving advice.

The key is to not tell him all your problems.  Keep your problems clear and relevant and simple and present it as information  (x happened and I'm upset because y) rather than a cry for help that's vague or unresolvable.

Please confide in trusted friends and family as well. If the problems are significant or chronic please consider therapy to get professional advice and support. Keep in mind a BF can be empathetic but he's not a therapist.

[Cherylyn]

A lot of people give advice.  It's up to every individual whether or not to listen and actually follow through with it which your prerogative. 

Just say,  "Thank you for your advice.  I'll think about it."  Don't over explain.  Then you decide what you want to do.  He should respect you because ultimately it's your choice and no one else's. 

[Batya33]

Often men think a person sharing wants advice. Sexist I know but I've seen this a lot. Say nicely in advance "I'm just sharing/venting not for advice."  Also be very careful not to focus conversations on your "problems" -show him your reslience, show him how your attitude is gratitude.  My husband and I are 56 years old. Yesterday while I was really stressed about our teenage son's middle school graduation ceremony (my husband knew I was stressed) we walked together -two of us -to the ceremony -one mile in the sunshine through our beautiful park.  I didn't burden him with my stress - I didn't vent to him. 

I commented on the sunshine, pointed out some birds/trees (he likes to do that too) and we talked about whatever.  He loves me and I love him and we're married - many years -and his role is not to be a constant sounding board for my "problems"  - and my role is to foster our relationship and our home - peaceful as much as possible, calm as much as possible and if I can't manage it and if it's possible, I take space so he is not burdened and/or sometimes I'll "spread the love" and call a friend -or my 88 year old mom!

[Tinydance]

Well I think whether there is anything actually wrong with you would depend on the actual situation. If your boyfriend is an opinionated person who likes to give advice about everything, then I can see why you wouldn't want to follow the advice. But if he only gives advice sometimes and you actually try to do something different on purpose, then that's different.

I think it's probably human nature not to follow someone's advice when they give advice too much or without being asked. Like, the whole reverse psychology thing where you want to do the opposite. 

I also think you never have to feel bad that you didn't follow someone's advice unless the advice was very reasonable and helpful. For example, if you kept gambling and someone gave you the advice to stop. But you didn't stop and lost all your money. Then I guess you can feel bad because they were right and were just trying to help you. With most advice though it's up to you if YOU want to do something and what YOU think. 

[smackie9]

Don't ask him for advice. Tell him you just want to vent/talk and you will figure out a solution yourself. 

By the sounds of it you don't need to go to him with your problems....you can do that on your own. 

[Cherylyn]

My husband is my sounding board,  gives me solace and great advice.  We don't always just engage in superficial chit chat because I can do that with friends,  acquaintances,  neighbors and the like.  I've confided in my local mother and siblings to an extent but I have my deliberate limitations and boundaries with them. 

I express my feelings to my husband all the time,  tell him my gripes,  stresses which weigh heavy on my mind,  whatever causes my angst or sadness,  all of it.  No holds barred.  Even though he gives sensible advice,  I don't always follow through with it.  Mostly,  I just want him to listen which he does and I listen to him although he has far less worries than I do.  I let him know that his listening to me and lending an ear is all I want.  If I'm seeking advice,  I'll tell him so and whether or not I take heed is my choice.  He knows this because I've told him in the past. 

My main stress are certain relatives and in-laws whereas he doesn't;  even though he understands exactly where I'm coming from because he knows first hand what various situations are.  I'm not the one to make small talk about the weather  ⛈️  ,  chirping birds 🐦  and butterflies 🦋  .  Sure,  at random at home and whenever we're out and about.  However,  at home,  he definitely hears an earful.  He knows how disgusted I feel with some people in my midst.  I make small talk and engage in superficial chit chat with him.  He goes with the flow regardless of conversation topics which I appreciate very much.  ❤️  We have a peaceful household and he never lets me know that he doesn't want to hear negativity or real life or no matter how many times he's heard it in numerous different ways.  He'll say,  "I understand how you feel or I would feel the same way."  Or, he'll give me his input and comment which I find to be very comforting. 

Or,  I'll comment about someone in public,  what a relative,  in-law or neighbor said or how they acted with disdain.  Or, past gripes from months or years ago which still severely impacts scenarios to this day.  He'll listen to everything I've got to say.  He hears it all.  He hears me vent all the time.  If roles were reversed,  I'd patiently listen to him as well just as my best childhood friend and I listen to each other a lot. 

I have some heavy duty subjects not meant for confiding to my mother or siblings.  It's very personal and private.  Also,  many times it's very confidential information which I don't want leaked to mutual people whom we socialize with such as amongst local relatives and in-laws.  That would be downright dangerous and foolhardy.  I can never be too careful especially in this 'Information Age,'  cell phones,  texting,  messages,  voicemails,  emails,  social media and the whole lot.   I will never take that chance and then have it come back to haunt me.  Never.  I'm risk adverse so whatever is mentioned in my household,  remains in my household.  100% guarantee.  😊

[Batya33]

I think it requires a balance. Problems as in work related issues or sounding board issues of course but one’s partner shouldn’t be subjected regularly to a barrage of whiny venting complaints because of some notion that that is his job.
 I shared a scary situation that happened to me this morning on the treadmill involving an aggressive delivery person who was trying to get into the locked room or get me to come out at 5:15am   Of course he gave advice and suggestions on how to proceed or whether to proceed   

I like showing my husband if I can that I’ve come up with my own solutions  he does the same  he’s my sounding board and I am his but typically it’s “I have situation A  I thought of doing B or C  what do you think?”  Rather than “I can’t believe I’m in situation A   This sucks  it’s not fair and it’s ruining my day !! No one else has to deal with this and it’s always on me !!!

  To me the latter should be rarer  Not his job  

Neither is superficial chit chat good if it’s all the time.  A balance. 

[Cherylyn]

Every marriage or relationship is different.  What works for you is not the same for others. 

We very much share everything no matter what the subject matter is.  If we're comfortable with it and it works for us,  then this is what we do.  It's our conversation time,  anytime.    😊

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

Every marriage or relationship is different.  What works for you is not the same for others. 

We very much share everything no matter what the subject matter is.  If we're comfortable with it and it works for us,  then this is what we do.  It's our conversation time,  anytime.    😊

Same exact.  We share everything we feel like.  And I believe in all close relationships it’s incumbent on each person to share with consideration and thoughtfulness to the other person. So if one person has been venting an awful lot to the other it might be a good idea to give it a rest and lay off a bit on the venting especially if the other person is going through something stressful.
 

My husband knows I’m very often too tired after 9pm to have any intense conversations so if it’s not urgent he doesn’t share till the next morning. If it is he does. I’m not going to share stuff with him early morning if I can help it since he’s not a morning person. So timing matters too.
 

Certainly there are couples who expect each other ti drop everything any time no matter hear because they come first and venting about one’s mom who is frustrating them takes precedence over sleeping or working on a deadline etc. Personally I’d find that unmanageable in any regular routine if it. 

[Cherylyn]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Same exact.  We share everything we feel like.  And I believe in all close relationships it’s incumbent on each person to share with consideration and thoughtfulness to the other person. So if one person has been venting an awful lot to the other it might be a good idea to give it a rest and lay off a bit on the venting especially if the other person is going through something stressful.
 

My husband knows I’m very often too tired after 9pm to have any intense conversations so if it’s not urgent he doesn’t share till the next morning. If it is he does. I’m not going to share stuff with him early morning if I can help it since he’s not a morning person. So timing matters too.
 

Certainly there are couples who expect each other ti drop everything any time no matter hear because they come first and venting about one’s mom who is frustrating them takes precedence over sleeping or working on a deadline etc. Personally I’d find that unmanageable in any regular routine if it. 

Every couple discusses and does what they want their own way,  whatever they're compatible and comfortable with.  We never shut each other down just because we don't want to hear it.  We don't change the subject.  We stay on track.  There is no push back.  Not that you two do.  Not saying that.  I'm fortunate to be able to vent whenever I wish and he can do the same.  For us,  it's our comfort zone,  what we do and we're fine with it.  We hear each other out.  I'm very lucky.  To each his and her own.  😊

[Batya33]

Just now, Cherylyn said:

Every couple discusses and does what they want their own way,  whatever they're compatible and comfortable with.  We never shut each other down just because we don't want to hear it.  We don't change the subject.  We stay on track.  There is no push back.  Not that you two do.  Not saying that.  I'm fortunate to be able to vent whenever I wish and he can do the same.  For us,  it's our comfort zone,  what we do and we're fine with it.  We hear each other out.  I'm very lucky.  To each his and her own.  😊

That’s great that you each drop everything for venting purposes ! You’re right no one gets shut down in my marriage. I love that he and I can be genuine with each other and give each other space and respect when we know the other is likely exhausted and or busy with work or life or whatever.  
I didn’t have that opportunity when my son was a newborn and very young - I was there for every cry and need on demand unless my husband was doing a feeding or I was out shopping and he was in charge.  I was totally into that. I was the mom to a newborn and baby and toddler. I loved being able to be there on demand.
 

But adult to adult we don’t respond to all needs to vent at all times / depends on context and circumstances.  And with two adults who are close there is no shutting down. Either the person who needs to vent knows their partner is busy or exhausted and doesn’t approach or if they do and see it’s a bad time they are understanding and don’t feel shut down. certainly in important or urgent situations those are exceptions. That’s how I see it. 

You two don’t need any space from any sort of venting or conversation and you feel lucky to have that situation 24/7 no matter what is happening.  I can’t personally relate to that sort of situation or wanting that situation which is why I gave the input to the OP I did. 

[Cherylyn]

Just now, Batya33 said:

That’s great that you each drop everything for venting purposes ! You’re right no one gets shut down in my marriage. I love that he and I can be genuine with each other and give each other space and respect when we know the other is likely exhausted and or busy with work or life or whatever.  
I didn’t have that opportunity when my son was a newborn and very young - I was there for every cry and need on demand unless my husband was doing a feeding or I was out shopping and he was in charge.  I was totally into that. I was the mom to a newborn and baby and toddler. I loved being able to be there on demand.
 

But adult to adult we don’t respond to all needs to vent at all times / depends on context and circumstances.  And with two adults who are close there is no shutting down. Either the person who needs to vent knows their partner is busy or exhausted and doesn’t approach or if they do and see it’s a bad time they are understanding and don’t feel shut down. certainly in important or urgent situations those are exceptions. That’s how I see it. 

You two don’t need any space from any sort of venting or conversation and you feel lucky to have that situation 24/7 no matter what is happening.  I can’t personally relate to that sort of situation or wanting that situation which is why I gave the input to the OP I did. 

Do whatever works for you and your marriage and my husband and I will do the same.  If you can't relate,  oh well.  You do you and I'll do me.

[Big Stan]

Personally I think it's my right to give advice or make comment on something if you make me a part of it.  You tell me something deeply emotional or an issue or problem you have I am going to comment. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

Do whatever works for you and your marriage and my husband and I will do the same.  If you can't relate,  oh well.  You do you and I'll do me.

Certainly. I made that obvious in all my responses. I think the OP is going down an unhealthy path if there’s a lot of conversation focused on her problems and then she doesn’t get why he’s responding with advice.

I think she should ask him if he feels like it’s too much and ask herself if she is a good and active listener and shares meaningful stuff with him that is good and positive and shows her dreams and plans for herself and maybe even how she wants to contribute to others and the world.
 

I have a feeling he is feeling drained and overwhelmed by being the recipient of all her problems and playing therapist. She should ask him with an open minded tone how he feels about their dynamic. 

[Cherylyn]

OP @pdccfff should say she wants a good listener and if she seeks advice,  she will ask for it.  The next course of action would be to ponder and discern her next step.  Not all advice was meant to be followed.  Express appreciation for advice whether dispensed, offered or requested while letting him know that it's something to think about.  She will determine to either use the advice or keep it in her back pocket for the future. 

Some people are equipped to listen and others won't,  don't or can't.  Some people give advice and then want to be done with it whereas some problems fester because there isn't a solution.  This causes certain difficult,  complicated scenarios.  Some problems linger because no one is willing to budge to go to the next step towards recovery.  Stubbornness or adamant denial is alive and well.  Zero accountability is a death knell in many relationships. 

[Tinydance]

16 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

Personally I think it's my right to give advice or make comment on something if you make me a part of it.  You tell me something deeply emotional or an issue or problem you have I am going to comment. 

I think yes and no. I actually know people who are very opinionated and blunt and like to constantly give their opinions and advice. I usually find that annoying, especially if I wasn't actually asking for advice.

I agree with you that obviously when people tell you things, you're going to say something, not just stay silent. I guess it's also not a good look if people tell you something and you just don't really say much. That might seem like you don't really care or aren't listening.

I think it's important to "read the room" in the sense that you need to get a feel for whether the person actually wants advice. Also how close you are with them. For example, I went on a couple of dates with this guy once and he was making uncalled for comments and giving advice I didn't ask for.

I was telling him that at the time I was living in a small apartment my parents own but that I was thinking of moving. The apartment block is from the 1960's and had very poor acoustics. My bedroom was joined to two other neighbours and I could hear literally everything, even them just moving or walking in their room. They could hear me too because one time a neighbour left me a note under my door that they could hear me talking on the phone but they were sleeping. But it actually wasn't late and I was talking on the phone normally, not loud. And I'm allowed to do that. My next door neighbour was also creepy and spied on everyone. I was there for eight years and wanted a change.

Anyway, the guy said: "I don't think you should move, you should just stay there. Your parents own it so you're secure there. The place doesn't sound that bad and you get cheaper rent." I didn't like that because I was just talking and I wasn't asking for any advice. It was actually my choice if I wanted to move or not. We also didn't really know each other so I didn't think it was his place to tell me what to do.

I think it's also important to remember that people are all different. So while you might think that your advice is good, maybe the other person doesn't feel it's right for them. Sometimes people also just want you to sympathise with them rather than give advice. There are people who always think you need a solution or some kind of advice bit sometimes they just want you to listen. Like, I've known people who went through a break up and their friend said things like: "Don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea. You'll find someone else. You need to get back out there, get on the dating apps, meet new people." The right thing to probably do is actually just listen and say you understand because that person needs that and not necessarily advice.

[Cherylyn]

16 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

Personally I think it's my right to give advice or make comment on something if you make me a part of it.  You tell me something deeply emotional or an issue or problem you have I am going to comment. 

Likewise 😉

[catfeeder]

On 5/25/2023 at 3:53 PM, pdccfff said:

just sometimes we talk, i tell about my problems and he gives me advice.

You might consider prefacing your discussions with, "I'd like to run something by you, but I'm not ready to grapple with any advice about it yet. Is it okay if I just hear myself talk it through with you?"

From there, if and when you feel ready, you can ask, "Would you mind telling me your thoughts and any possible options you can think of?"

When he does, you can say, "Thank you, your help is always important to me. I want to consider this further." And just leave it at that. No need to tap dance around what you intend to do--or not.

It's natural to want to sleep on something before making a decision or otherwise hold off on taking action until it feels right for you. Avoid knee-jerk nixing of what a loved one might offer as a solution, because even if you don't act on the advice, you don't want to discourage future input, and you may find aspects of such discussions more valuable than you're able to convey if you're too preoccupied with jumping to snap-decisions.

[lostandhurt]

Here's the thing about men.  We are fixers.  You come to us and tell us about a problem and we want to fix it for you.  It rarely if ever registers with us that you just want to vent and receive support and understanding.  In fact fixing stuff is a lot easier for men than emotional stuff.

 I was born to be a fixer.  When I was young they used to say if I couldn't fix it then it wasn't broken.  Didn't matter if it was a toaster or a lawnmower.  But when I got into a relationship these skills seemed useful but they got me into more trouble than I care to admit.  I needed to listen and then ask questions like "Is there anything I can do to help?"  "We could sit and talk and come up with some ideas together if you like?"  But I was young and stupid so I went for the easy fix and told her just what she needed to do.  The thing is even if I was 100% correct I was wrong.

 Luckily after some tense exchanges she told me what she wanted from me which was not to run around solving her problems but to simply listen and offer to help. People like to solve their own problems when they can but they also like to vent about those same problems to the people they trust and love so they don't feel like they are going it alone.

 Talk to him and help him like I was helped all those years ago.  Us men can be clueless about this stuff so don't assume we know because chances are we don't. Tell us what you need...

 Lost