How do I tell my boyfriend we need to communicate more without sounding needy?

[JosieC]

I don’t know if I’m the problem or if there is another underlying issue here, but my boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months and we’re both college students. We started dating in September of last year during the first semester of our freshman year. During our first year in college I would always try to make time to go see him in his dorm (usually at night because we both have very busy schedules during the day) and we always hung out and talked during that time and fall asleep together. During the day we wouldn’t really talk or text much due to us both either working, in class, or in meetings. We were mainly used to only talking in person.
When breaks roll around we end up not really talking to each other besides the times we hang out in person in our hometown, but even then it’s not that often. Right now it’s summer break and we have only seen each other once since we moved off campus. He doesn’t text or call me at all, which I understand because his work is demanding and requires him to work odd and sometimes long hours. But it’s getting to the point where I’m starting to feel neglected (which I feel very guilty for) and whenever I text him he doesn’t respond which makes me feel like crap so I just stop trying. 
We’re both 19 and It’s both of our first actual relationship and I’m not sure how to express that we need to communicate more without sounding needy or annoying and feeling guilty. I’ve been trying to ignore it up to now but it’s really starting to make me overthink and question things and I have no idea how to approach it.

[1a1a]

A conversation when you’re both face to face and feeling relaxed;

 

I’ve been struggling with how little contact we’ve had since we went on break. How do you feel about it and would you be up for brainstorming with me ways we can have contact time with our schedules busy as they are now? 
 

See what he says. 

 

If you can’t meet in meat space much maybe you could do a daily phone call before bed? Even if it’s short, that’s still a thread of connection. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, JosieC said:

go see him in his dorm and we always hung out and talked during that time and fall asleep together. Right now it’s summer break and we have only seen each other once since we moved off campus. He doesn’t text or call me at all, 

Sorry this is happening. Are you dating exclusively?  When is the last time you saw each other in person? 

How long is the break? How far apart are you now? Are you both home living with parents now? 

It seems like you spent too much time together on campus and mostly out of convenience by going to his dorm and sleeping over. Did you ever go out on dates or act like a couple?

Consider this a good time to step back and reflect on the relationship. Was it just convenient for him or was there a mutual connection? 

Stay as busy as possible with friends, family, work, academics, sports, interests, etc.

If your relationship was based on convenience by going to him and sleeping over in his dorm, but now that you're home he ghosts you, it's time to reconsider the relationship. Especially if this is the same man:

 

[Batya33]

I would use I statements with little drama.  I am feeling badly that even though we're both home now we're not seeing each other much.  What do you think about how often we are seeing each other?  Say this in person or on the phone -not text. See what he says.  If he is not enthusiastic about wanting to see you more/be in touch more end the conversation.  Because with that information I'd let things sit for a day or so and then tell him that you two apparently want different things and it would be better if you both were free to do your own thing.

My husband and I always worked long and demanding and wildly unpredictable hours and had business travels when we were dating - and we had no cell phones and/or only one of us did.  No one is too busy to find time to talk at least every few days if not every day if you're serious and to see each other at least once a week if you're serious. Even if only for a few hours.  I don't think constant texting is necessary at all if that is happening.

Yesterday - and we are in our 50s with a 14 year old son - I was busy working from home as was husband.  Son would be home in a couple of hours.  We have very little couple time.  And he said basically - really out of the blue - did I want to have some romantic time together.  Truth -I was working. I was tired.  I had housework to do as well.  And I knew if not then - who knows when the next opportunity would be given busy events and son being home.  So I said "yes!"  I put him first actually and my tiredness on the backburner.  It wasn't "romantic" how this was approached but practical reality of scheduling romantic time LOL.  But this is the sort of thing committed couples do and do for each other.  Don't settle for less.

I wouldn't use need or struggle or any psychospeak.  Keep it simple.  

[MissCanuck]

People who want to keep in touch find a way to keep in touch. It’s really that simple.

You can let him know you’d love to hear from him more. And then step back and observe. See what he does without any prompting from you. 

If he’s still not motivated to keep in contact with you, you may need to concede that he’s checked out of the relationship and it’s time to part ways. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

People who want to keep in touch find a way to keep in touch. It’s really that simple.

You can let him know you’d love to hear from him more. And then step back and observe. See what he does without any prompting from you. 

If he’s still not motivated to keep in contact with you, you may need to concede that he’s checked out of the relationship and it’s time to part ways. 

I want to add- I get not wanting to sound needy.  Have you felt this sort of imbalance before? Like in other aspects -do you believe you are more into him and the relationship than he is?

[SooSad33]

Yeah, maybe communication isn't his thing, but is necessary. He may be negligent and NOT be tending to YOUR needs.

He's 19 and still has a ways to go re: maturity etc.

It's been 9 months and if you feel you're giving more than he is, then maybe it's time to part ways. Especially if he's been made aware of this already...

I remember my son msg'ing his gf once he'd get home from work, when he'd wake up etc at that age.  They'd hang together regularly.  And I remember a saying,, if he's into you, you'll know it. 😉 .

 

[smackie9]

Sorry but this relationship is fading out. You are young once, be free and have fun. 

[Andrina]

On 5/24/2023 at 11:36 PM, JosieC said:

When breaks roll around we end up not really talking to each other besides the times we hang out in person in our hometown, but even then it’s not that often. Right now it’s summer break and we have only seen each other once since we moved off campus. He doesn’t text or call me at all, which I understand because his work is demanding and requires him to work odd and sometimes long hours.

If a person is working full time, they usually get at least one lunch break and possibly a short 15 minute break, besides. So if he had the desire to find out how your day is going, and the pleasure of hearing your voice, don't you think he'd do this? You say you understand, but you're giving him an excuse because you hope he's not reaching out for some practical reason and that he doesn't really care.

My guess is that he's too cowardly to break up, so he's hoping if he ignores you, that you will fade away without drama, or that you break up with him, so he can avoid that hard task.

If it makes you feel better to not throw in the towel before trying one last thing, tell him you love hearing his voice and how his day went, so if he has a break from work, that you'd be happy to hear from him.

He must have days off. Of course it's healthy for him to also spend time with friends and family, just as you should be doing, but if his time with them is far more often than time with you, then perhaps you should receive the message. And at that point I'd tell him: This relationship no longer works for me.

Most people have many relationship in their youth, learning from each of them. You now have some good experience under your belt, knowing what you definitely don't want in a relationship. That'll be good knowledge for you, moving forward.

[catfeeder]

I'd consider dating other people. If I can get my head around that for my own well being, I'd phone him and suggest that.

You only live once, and remaining committed to someone who isn't equally committed is a waste of time.

[Big Stan]

  I'll give you some perspective, my wife and I have been together almost 20 years and married for most of that time.  She's been gone since Wed and we've talked several times every day since then.  We both are really busy doing what we are doing, but we are so used to talking and just chit chatting about nothing.  

In my view if you want to talk to someone, assuming that one of you isn't deployed to a war zone or something, you find the time to do so. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Big Stan said:

  I'll give you some perspective, my wife and I have been together almost 20 years and married for most of that time.  She's been gone since Wed and we've talked several times every day since then.  We both are really busy doing what we are doing, but we are so used to talking and just chit chatting about nothing.  

In my view if you want to talk to someone, assuming that one of you isn't deployed to a war zone or something, you find the time to do so. 

For a slightly different perspective - my husband very often is incommunicado on business trips and lately on his trips to his family home where there has been extensive damage (and terrible cell service/no internet - and he's trying to maximize his time and often is wearing protective gear/gloves-not conducive to handling a phone). He travels regularly.  I did for the first 4 years together but since then have only traveled a couple of times for family events - no more business travel.

On business trips especially with a time zone difference I don't want him calling late at night and he wouldn't want me calling early morning, etc and he has his phone off a lot during these trips because of the work he does. 

But here's the difference -I don't feel worried or needy -I know we'll catch up, I know we're good and solid and secure - and our in person banter/talk about nothing will resume when he's back.  As will all our other talks and conversations.  And I know if I did feel needy or want to hear from him he would do his utmost ASAP as would I in the reverse.  

When we were dating I think we were in touch more since we were long distance for much of the time so our nightly calls/emails during the day were how we connected when we could not see each other.  There was about 6.5 hours when I felt insecure when I didn't hear from him one afternoon-early evening when we'd been dating about 6 months, he was in town, I assumed he'd call me to say hi during the day and he didn't.  6.5 hours over 18 years together again. 

Maybe one other time but I simply can't remember and that time had a perfectly legit reason and also I didn't tell him I'd felt insecure once I realized - it was a one off. I think once in awhile we all "go there" but there should be a solid foundation of feeling at home with the person such that the ebb and flow of communication feels perfectly fine the vast majority of the time.

[Cherylyn]

He works long,  odd hours so most likely it messes with his body clock,  causes disruptive sleep patterns and he's unable to text as often as you'd prefer.  Be understanding and if this lack of communication is problematic for you,  date a guy who is more available to you.