Boyfriend's asked me if I want to fly out and join him on his motorbike trip - how do I politely dec

[MissCanuck]

Here we go again.

[Hhbgff]

I just told him that I can't because I'm going to see my gran this weekend and now he's asking me to fly out to a different location the following week. 

I wouldnt have arranged to travel and stay with my gran for 2 nights if i knew id be doing a motorbike trip abroad next week. 

Why is he just springing this on me like this? He's with 3 other guy friends, i dont feel like joining them all halfway through or towards the end of the trip. 

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

Why is he just springing this on me like this? 

To see if you'll keep jumping through his hoops. Trying to make sure you're still under his thumb and will ask "how high?"  whenever he says "jump".

You're trying to apply reason and logic to a nonsensical situation. You're taking the bait by even considering such a ridiculous suggestion.  It's an ongoing power struggle.

[TacticalLinguine]

What's the reason for this drama? If my partner spontaneously invited me on a trip that honestly sounds like a lot of fun, I'd head out asap if my work responsibilities etc allowed it. 

Sounds like you two simply have other issues going on.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

What's the reason for this drama? If my partner spontaneously invited me on a trip that honestly sounds like a lot of fun, I'd head out asap if my work responsibilities etc allowed it. 

Sounds like you two simply have other issues going on.

There is a lot of backstory on another thread that is informing the responses here and yes all else equal I would agree it might be a really fun spontaneous invite.

If I were the person doing the inviting I would say as part of it "of course it's my treat/of course I understand this is last minute and I'm really sorry I didn't think of this before" etc.  

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

What's the reason for this drama? If my partner spontaneously invited me on a trip that honestly sounds like a lot of fun, I'd head out asap if my work responsibilities etc allowed it. 

Your partner hopefully isnt abusive AHole that walks 10 meters in front of you when you go out in town. And for a year of her writing here on Forum, this is probably the first time he expressed some interest about her at all. If we dont count all the times where he wants to take her inheritance and buy a house that would only be good for him.

[boltnrun]

Did he offer to pay for the airplane ticket?

@TacticalLinguine, unfortunately this guy has emotionally abused the OP for years. Her previous threads show this clearly. 

[lostandhurt]

In the grand scheme of this relationship this situation is really nothing pie.

  There are way more serious issues don't you think?

Lost

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

I just told him that I can't because I'm going to see my gran this weekend and now he's asking me to fly out to a different location the following week. 

I wouldnt have arranged to travel and stay with my gran for 2 nights if i knew id be doing a motorbike trip abroad next week. 

Why is he just springing this on me like this? He's with 3 other guy friends, i dont feel like joining them all halfway through or towards the end of the trip. 

Stop whining about it and just let him know you can't join on this motorcycle tour with him  (your choice whether to do this in a 'normal' way or use it as a chance to poke at him) and get on with your work, your gran, and whatever else makes up your everyday life. 

[Starlight925]

I took this from your opening post in your topic from 1 year ago.  You said:

"Why can't it be us? Why can't he choose me? Why don't I deserve things like everybody else"

Here's the thing:

He's not the only one doing the choosing.  You are choosing as well.

You are hanging on, over a year now, for him to come to his senses, realize you are the one, and want to start a family with you and be a kind, considerate partner.

So one year later, he's gone on a trip with his friends (fine if he didn't include you), but springs a last-minute invite to you to accompany him on his way home, presumably because he doesn't want to be alone, not because he wants to see you.  And he doesn't even offer to pay for it.

And you're so uncomfortable with how you should respond, that you post here, because you walk on eggshells.

I'll repeat:

You are choosing this.

I'm not trying to be harsh.  This man will drag this out with you until you are 40, 50, and childbirth possibilities are in the rearview mirror.

You are choosing this.

[TacticalLinguine]

16 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Your partner hopefully isnt abusive AHole that walks 10 meters in front of you when you go out in town. And for a year of her writing here on Forum, this is probably the first time he expressed some interest about her at all. If we dont count all the times where he wants to take her inheritance and buy a house that would only be good for him.

No, I caught up with the other threads last night. 

Sad situation. The boyfriend may be an ahole, but the OP has been accepting of it for years and doesn't seem to absorb any of the excellent, thoughtful advice given here. I'm not sure what kind of validation she is looking for here. 

Tapping out of this one. Good luck, OP. 

[Wiseman2]

On 5/25/2023 at 4:01 AM, Hhbgff said:

I wouldnt have arranged to travel and stay with my gran for 2 nights if i knew id be doing a motorbike trip abroad next week. 

Why not? If he's going to run off with friends, that's his problem, not yours. Why wouldn't you make other plans considering he pulls stuff like this? 

[smackie9]

Just be honest with him, tell him you are not interested in going, plain and simple. 

[tattoobunnie]

On 5/25/2023 at 4:01 AM, Hhbgff said:

Why is he just springing this on me like this?

Because he doesn't give two sh*ts about your time, money, or think you have anything better to do.

Learn how to say, "No."

• "Can't"
• "Not interested."
• "Maybe next time"
• "Got plans."
• "Can't do it. See you when you get back!"

 

[spinstermanquee]

47 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Because he doesn't give two sh*ts about your time, money, or think you have anything better to do.

I think he does give two sh*ts about the money tho, LOL.  Maybe he ran out during his trip and was hoping OP would pay the freight to get him home.  If he can't get you to blow your stack on a house for him, he'll pickpocket you a little at a time, right?

[tattoobunnie]

11 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

I think he does give two sh*ts about the money tho, LOL.  Maybe he ran out during his trip and was hoping OP would pay the freight to get him home.  If he can't get you to blow your stack on a house for him, he'll pickpocket you a little at a time, right?

I know...I was hoping to not have to say that.

[Batya33]

18 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

I know...I was hoping to not have to say that.

I too was wondering about the real motives.  

[boltnrun]

Maybe he's running short of vacation funds and wants her to bring her credit card to cover expenses.  

[spinstermanquee]

"No thank you"

[Hhbgff]

He's cutting the trip short by a few days as he wants to come back and see me. 

Says he would love us to go back together and see some parts of the country together, bla bla bla. 

I don't really care. My motivation/desire has gone. I dont really know if i want to do anymore for/with him, when im always going to be here suffering, drowning in my own pain with no end in sight. I can only look at so much beautiful scenery, but my childs always on my mind and they would have meant so much more to me than travelling anywhere ever could. 

Nothing would be more beautiful to me than having my own child. I just want my child back. Back here with me. I want to be their mum. Its excruciatingly painful. Im. 30.5 now. 

Do i sound mad/crazy to you guys? 

Boyfriend said lets see how we feel about it after settling into the new house..... But of course things will be even more off the kilter as I won't have a job and our new mortgage payments will sadly be even higher than the rent we pay now. 

Boyfriend wants a dog, we'll be buying a new car, paying petrol, maintenance, insurance, vet bills, pet care, ill be unemployed and stuck without the routine of my current job, ill get majorly stressed and have to take any job there is with no better oppurtunities. If i want anything in London, id have a horrendous commute involving driving to a train station, taking 1-2 hours ob the train. What if i feel completely trapped and stuck? Now cut off from London, living in suburbia, having to drive everywhere when ive never driven before.  The house will turn into a big burden. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Hhbgff said:

Do i sound mad/crazy to you guys? 

No. 

You sound like someone who has zero intention of leaving him, so you go around in circles here complaining. 

But you never really seem to do anything. 

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

Boyfriend said lets see how we feel about it after settling into the new house.

Which, of course, your inheritance will largely help pay for.  And it's in an area where you don't want to live. 

Everything for him, nothing for you.

But you seem to be fine with that as you stay and stay no matter what he does.

Do you have zero family, no friends, no one to whom you can go for support?

[Hhbgff]

I'm getting "dismissed" from my job soon anyway lool 😳

Its surprisingly a relief that i wont be doing it for the rest of my life. Its been almost 4 years of it.. 

[Kwothe28]

20 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

I'm getting "dismissed" from my job soon anyway lool 

So you are moving to suburbs in the home you didnt even wanted to buy, dont have a job at all and instead of a baby you are getting a dog? When you get more older remember that this is the life you chose. Because you did have a choice of walking away. 

[boltnrun]

56 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

I'm getting "dismissed" from my job soon anyway lool 😳

Its surprisingly a relief that i wont be doing it for the rest of my life. Its been almost 4 years of it.. 

Interesting how you are assertive enough to dodge anything you don't care to respond to on this forum but you're not able to assert yourself with that guy. 

I can only conclude your life with that guy is everything you ever wanted or dreamed of.