Boyfriend's asked me if I want to fly out and join him on his motorbike trip - how do I politely dec

[Hhbgff]

My boyfriend left last Friday to go on a 2 week 3 day motorbiking trip through some european countries with 3 other male friends. He will be due back home next Sunday. 

He has just now messaged me asking me if I want to fly out and join him to ride back home together? It would be for the second half of the trip and would mean me flying out next week. I don't feel its very considerate of him. 

The thing is, he hasn't given me any notice and I was never expecting him to ask me this. He's doing the whole trip with his 3 other male friends amd they planned everything out. I get that he means well and wants me to experience the trip,but I wasnt expecting him to ask me to join the trip. I've been working the whole time he's been there. 

I don't like being messaged so spontaneously like this. I'd prefer we'd plan a new trip for another time and start out together. 

I'm visiting and staying with my grandma this weekend for 2 nights until Monday and then I have a concert booked for Sunday. It feels like it would be too much to fly somewhere next week and pack everything for it. 

How can I politely decline? I don't really have a proper excuse. I just don't want to hurt his feelings. 

Also, I'm sorry to say this but if he really wanted a trip with me, he should have planned it in the first place with me. I feel like an afterthought. He also took a trip last summer without me. I get it, he's young, adventurous and deserves freedom, but i also deserve some consideration and loyalty as his girlfriend of 10 years. 

[spinstermanquee]

"No thank you."

[Hhbgff]

Just now, spinstermanquee said:

"No thank you."

Oh come on...!!! 

[boltnrun]

Who is paying for the flight?

[Hhbgff]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Who is paying for the flight?

He's literally only messaged me "Darling, do you want to fly out to "..... " and ride back to the UK together?" 

[boltnrun]

Just now, Hhbgff said:

He's literally only messaged me "Darling, do you want to fly out to "..... " and ride back to the UK together?" 

Did he offer to pay?

Also, is he going to actually spend time with you or is he going to walk 20 feet ahead of you and make you run after him?

[Hhbgff]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Did he offer to pay?

Also, is he going to actually spend time with you or is he going to walk 20 feet ahead of you and make you run after him?

No, he only messaged me one line. 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Hhbgff said:

No, he only messaged me one line. 

Why can't you ask him if he's planning to purchase your flight ticket? 

Airfare is likely to be very expensive if you don't have at least a week to ten days advance booking. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

 "Darling, do you want to fly out to "..... " and ride back to the UK together?" 

This is simple. No sorry, I can't make it. See you soon.

[smackie9]

You say "No, that's ok, you enjoy your trip." "We can go do something when you get back." 

[Batya33]

26 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

Oh come on...!!! 

She’s right. No back story no walking on eggshells. At most “thanks so much for thinking of me and I cannot make it this time. “ remember he doesn’t go the extra mile for you. Including now pun intended. 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

She’s right. No back story no walking on eggshells. At most “thanks so much for thinking of me and I cannot make it this time. “ remember he doesn’t go the extra mile for you. Including now pun intended. 

Exactly.

He isn't exactly subtle when he's making put downs about your job and other things. 

I would reply "Sorry, but an airplane ticket isn't in my budget."

[Hhbgff]

I've just asked him when and he said I'd have to fly out THIS saturday/sunday. 🙄

I already told him i was planning to visit my grandma this weekend to stay with her and see my grandad

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

I've just asked him when and he said I'd have to fly out THIS saturday/sunday. 🙄

I already told him i was planning to visit my grandma this weekend to stay with her and see my grandad

You know he doesn't care about your feelings or about what you want. He's clearly demonstrated that on a weekly basis if not daily.

Did he say he would pay for this very expensive airline ticket if you did agree to go? 

[Cherylyn]

Tell him what you wrote in your post @Hhbgff.  Express how you feel and tell it to him that way.  Tell him why. 

[Big Stan]

As you said this was a gesture and he was probably trying to be nice, but it's not a real offer if there's no notice and you aren't independently wealthy and have tons of free time.  It might not even be a real offer come to think of it, because should reasonably suspect you'll say no.  Then when you mention at a later date he never offers to do anything he might throw it in your face "remember that one time I tried to include you on a friend trip"

Thing is, if he really was trying to include you he would have included you in the initial planning stages of the trip and gotten your feedback and spin on the itinerary.  He would have planned the trip WITH you not just gave you a last min invitation.  

So I would politely decline and I would probably mention that it's too short of notice and next time he needs to give you a reasonable amount of time to plan a trip and give you input on the trip itself.  You want to make sure he can't bring this up later because it's really nothing more than an empty gesture. 

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

The thing is, he hasn't given me any notice and I was never expecting him to ask me this

This and the fact that's he'll be returning next Sunday.

So, explain thanks but I'll just remain here, as I'm working.. but enjoy! 😉 

[Hhbgff]

The real truth is that I'm not going to do it for him as I know he wouldn't do it for me. 

I also didn't feel like visiting his family with him a few months ago and being around his young niece. It feels too hard, knowing that my baby will never be apart of anything or experience anything. Its terrible and shameful, but i feel resentful. I just dont have it in me to feel happy. Its too hard. Its been 4 years and i still havent moved on. I cant let go. Im overwhelmingly sad. Ill never know my child, see their beautiful face, discovery their personality, hear them talk. Im 30.5 years old now, my boyfriend still  wants to keep on waiting, said he wants out to do things in the right order.well it already feels like the right order to me when i work very long hours, am 30.5 years old and have been stuck in a relationship for 11 years. i feel hes pushing it but what can i do when im in a low paid job that isnt a proper career and i wouldnt want a child with anybody else. Ive been dreaming of having my boyfriends child since we first met. 

I'm just demotivated. 

[Hhbgff]

2 hours ago, Big Stan said:

As you said this was a gesture and he was probably trying to be nice, but it's not a real offer if there's no notice and you aren't independently wealthy and have tons of free time.  It might not even be a real offer come to think of it, because should reasonably suspect you'll say no.  Then when you mention at a later date he never offers to do anything he might throw it in your face "remember that one time I tried to include you on a friend trip"

Thing is, if he really was trying to include you he would have included you in the initial planning stages of the trip and gotten your feedback and spin on the itinerary.  He would have planned the trip WITH you not just gave you a last min invitation.  

So I would politely decline and I would probably mention that it's too short of notice and next time he needs to give you a reasonable amount of time to plan a trip and give you input on the trip itself.  You want to make sure he can't bring this up later because it's really nothing more than an empty gesture. 

Exactly, i havent had any input or even anytime to process it/look forward to it and i will be using my holiday days from my job towards it. 

[boltnrun]

So I guess he just expects you to buy the airline ticket out of your own money?

[catfeeder]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So I guess he just expects you to buy the airline ticket out of your own money?

Yes, and be sure to do it in red lipstick and high heels.

BF sounds like a real gem.

[Hhbgff]

12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So I guess he just expects you to buy the airline ticket out of your own money?

Most likely, i suppose he'd be paying for all of the petrol/accomodation/ferry tickets for the way back as i only make a, meagre salary and usually run out of money before the end of the month

[Jaunty]

At least he showed some interest in you.  This is the first time in all of your hundreds of posts that you've shared any sign of interest from him.   So yay.

Still:  No thank you.   I'm working.  

[bluecastle]

54 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

The real truth is that I'm not going to do it for him as I know he wouldn't do it for me. 

Okay, so if your goal is to hurt his feelings why are you here asking for advice on how to tell him you can't make it in a way that doesn't hurt his feelings? 

1 hour ago, Hhbgff said:

30.5 years old and have been stuck in a relationship for 11 years.

I understand you feel like 30.5 is old and that you are stuck, but please know that neither of those things are factually true. You are in the infancy stages of your adult life, and you are in this relationship because every day you make the choice to stay in it. If the primary motivation for that choice is find ways to stay hurt—and to hurt him back—I think you need to consider other choices that are well within your ability to make.

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

Most likely, i suppose he'd be paying for all of the petrol/accomodation/ferry tickets for the way back as i only make a, meagre salary and usually run out of money before the end of the month

"Most likely"? Does that mean you didn't ask him?

This is basic.  You shouldn't be so intimidated by the guy you're supposed to be in a love relationship that you can't ask a simple question. 

Did you at least tell him "no", you're not going?