No sense of purpose in my life

[Graystation108]

Hey to anyone reading this,

  I'm 22 years old, 2 years ago I attempted suicide twice and was basically crying myself to sleep every night. A friend had unknowingly stopped me from my 2nd attempt and I will be forever grateful to him because I took full advantage of my 2022. I did most things on my bucket list, got my college grades back up and I felt like I had a very accomplished year.

  However, I recently started to have some of the depressive symptoms again, not as bad as what I had 2 years ago, but now I just feel numb on whatever I'm doing. Even the hobbies and sports I used to love so much, I don't really get that adrenaline and dopamine rush anymore. I feel like everything I'm doing right now (studying in college, sports), I'm only doing it because it's a part of my routine and it's what I was used to. I'm starting to question what my purpose is in life, and currently, I have no answer for that. I know it's highly unlikely that I will try to take my own life again because I saw what it did to my parents, boyfriend and my dearest friends. But on the other hand, I feel like I'm just living so that I don't hurt them again, not because I actually want to stay alive. I also think most of the things I'm doing is only for show for my loved ones that I'm coping well, but I have zero connection to the things I do. How do I stop feeling like there's nothing to look forward to? If this is all there is to life, I'm dreading living to my later years. Sorry if this is a mess of a post, hopefully it's not too confusing

[Big Stan]

Wow there's a lot of big questions in here.  No one really has most of them figured out, myself included.  Best I got for you is life is what you make it to be.  You can't feel happy all the time, that's totally normal when you don't.  You are right that suicide really hurts the ones you love and it's good that you don't want to try it again.  

With that said if you don't feel happy over anything maybe you should try some medication.  You could have a chemical imbalance in your brain and you should see someone soon.  In the meantime there are some things you can do to sort of stack the deck in your favor when it comes to feeling good.  Getting sleep on a routine based schedule at least 7 hours, eating right and exercise all work in concert to help with mental stability and having the ability to feel pleasure.  

The fact that you're asking what is the purpose of your life and what you should do with it is totally normal and healthy and no one really has the answer because there is no one answer.  That's what I mean about life being what you make of it.  You have to find things that hold meaning to you, and it seems like you have some of that already with your family clearly holding meaning for you.  Most of what you do will be existence level, at least at first but you can build upon that to have a rewarding life.  

What helps me is helping others and trying to be a positive influence in the lives of other people.  Trying to live my life as a good example to other people like my employees and my child.  Being someone others can rely on and maybe even look up to is really fulfilling to me.  It makes me feel good to be needed in that way.  I can't tell you what will give you that sense of meaning, but there is something that much I am sure of.  

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Graystation108 said:

I'm 22 years old, 2 years ago I attempted suicide twice. I did most things on my bucket list, got my college grades back up and I felt like I had a very accomplished year.

 However, I recently started to have some of the depressive symptoms again, 

Sorry this happened. It's great you got your life together and accomplished a lot.  It's good you have insight that the depressive symptoms are creeping back. 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. It's better to get help now before you sink further into depression.

Please call a mental health hotline if you ever feel acutely in despair. They'll listen to you and help you.