So Confused

[Rhi88]

For the last 7 years I have been dating on and off an older man (I’m 34, him 60). We split up after a year with him stating he doesn’t want a relationship and never does. The last six years we have gone for meals, films and still been having sex then he would pick a fight with me and not speak to me for months, only for the things to keep happening. He kept telling me to move on so I did and had 2 short term relationships but when I was with them he would stare at us when he saw us out, would still text me etc We last had sex a few weeks ago and he text me out of the blue 2 nights ago and told me he was now seeing someone else. We had a massive argument and I told him I felt used and he told me it’s my fault, I’m easy and need to take a look at myself. He then completely changed his attitude and said that him and her will never be a relationship, that he still likes me and wants us to continue texting but without any sex. I have cried solid for 2 days. I’m upset, angry, embarrassed that I let this continue for so long. What shall I do. Any advice would be really appreciated. 

[Jibralta]

Well, I'd take his advice: take a look at yourself. I'm not saying it's all your fault, but why have you let someone treat you like this for seven years? Have some dignity!!

[Rhi88]

9 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Well, I'd take his advice: take a look at yourself. I'm not saying it's all your fault, but why have you let someone treat you like this for seven years? Have some dignity!!

Probably because I loved him and believed all his promises. 

[Jibralta]

21 minutes ago, Rhi88 said:

Probably because I loved him and believed all his promises. 

Stop doing that.

[Rhi88]

5 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Stop doing that.

I know deep down this ‘relationship’ between us is toxic. I have cut ties with him before for months and then he comes back with all the sorry’s/i won’t treat you like that again etc. You’re right, I need to stop doing it. 

[Lambert]

7 years is a long time but you can't change the past. All you can do is work on yourself and make better choices.

Crying for days may be a clue that you are on desperate need of direction and healing, none of which will come from this guy. 

You have time and freedom on your side. Is there anyone you can talk to? Do you think you need to talk to a therapist? 

Some of this is due to a guy being manipulative but there's also your responsibility to yourself. What do you think you need? 

[Big Stan]

I think you have some serious self esteem issues to be dating a 60 year old at 34 to start with.  They are old enough to be your father.  Hell, I'm older than you and my dad is 60.  That's disgusting. 

[Rhi88]

8 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

I think you have some serious self esteem issues to be dating a 60 year old at 34 to start with.  They are old enough to be your father.  Hell, I'm older than you and my dad is 60.  That's disgusting. 

Your opinion!

[Rhi88]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

7 years is a long time but you can't change the past. All you can do is work on yourself and make better choices.

Crying for days may be a clue that you are on desperate need of direction and healing, none of which will come from this guy. 

You have time and freedom on your side. Is there anyone you can talk to? Do you think you need to talk to a therapist? 

Some of this is due to a guy being manipulative but there's also your responsibility to yourself. What do you think you need? 

Yes I have good friends and family I can talk to but do acknowledge that I need therapy to work on my self esteem etc. 

[Big Stan]

40 minutes ago, Rhi88 said:

Your opinion!

Truth. Dating someone older than your parents is gross. It’s against the natural order. I’m not even 40 and I wouldn’t date a 20 year old which is less of an age gap than what you’re doing. 

[Rhi88]

10 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

Truth. Dating someone older than your parents is gross. It’s against the natural order. I’m not even 40 and I wouldn’t date a 20 year old which is less of an age gap than what you’re doing. 

He isn’t older than my parents 😂 so much hate coming from inside you. There’s something deeply wrong with you. 

[Big Stan]

He’s older than my parents and I’m older than you. It’s gross, do better.  Also I can have an opinion without hating anything. At the end of the day I don’t care one way or another. 
 

Why does everyone have so much self importance today?  I can express an opinion without having any emotion attached to it at all. Get over yourself. 

[Rhi88]

31 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

He’s older than my parents and I’m older than you. It’s gross, do better.  Also I can have an opinion without hating anything. At the end of the day I don’t care one way or another. 
 

Why does everyone have so much self importance today?  I can express an opinion without having any emotion attached to it at all. Get over yourself. 

You clearly have an inflated sense of self importance. Someone asking for advice and here you come with your bigoted views and putting others down. You have no idea about my life and your opinions are vile!! Do better, it’s really not difficult! 

[boltnrun]

Regardless of his age, this man does not treat you with loving respect. He picks you up when he feels like playing with you and discards you when he doesn't. And you have unfortunately allowed him to treat you this way.

I suggest the next time he comes creeping up telling you lies about how he's going to be nicer this time, you tell him to pound sand. And then block his number OR save it in your phone as LIAR. That way you'll see it when he pops up again.

And I agree that exploring why you find someone who mistreats you appealing and why you think you "love" someone who clearly doesn't love you is a good idea. I personally have found therapy to be very effective. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Rhi88 said:

. The last six years we have gone for meals, films and still been having sex then he would pick a fight with me and not speak to me for months, 

Your ages actually don't matter. He is flaky, disrespectful and treats you as disposable. 

Any guy who treats you this way whether they're 30 or 60, is a red flags and a lot of headaches and heartaches you don't need.

Try not to be fooled that he's mature, therefore is more stable. This is a character flaw, not an age issue.

On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities.  

In this case he breaks up to test drive something else for a while.

You're not happy.  Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Why be a revolving door and plaything for a guy like this?  This way you can be free to find men who treat you better.

 

[Rhi88]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Regardless of his age, this man does not treat you with loving respect. He picks you up when he feels like playing with you and discards you when he doesn't. And you have unfortunately allowed him to treat you this way.

I suggest the next time he comes creeping up telling you lies about how he's going to be nicer this time, you tell him to pound sand. And then block his number OR save it in your phone as LIAR. That way you'll see it when he pops up again.

And I agree that exploring why you find someone who mistreats you appealing and why you think you "love" someone who clearly doesn't love you is a good idea. I personally have found therapy to be very effective. 

Thank you for your reply, it’s given me a lot to think about and I will definitely be booking an appointment to see a therapist as I will admit that my self esteem is very low and it’s something I need to work on. 

[Rhi88]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your ages actually don't matter. He is flaky, disrespectful and treats you as disposable. 

Any guy who treats you this way whether they're 30 or 60, is a red flags and a lot of headaches and heartaches you don't need.

Try not to be fooled that he's mature, therefore is more stable. This is a character flaw, not an age issue.

On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities.  

In this case he breaks up to test drive something else for a while.

You're not happy.  Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Why be a revolving door and plaything for a guy like this?  This way you can be free to find men who treat you better.

 

Thank you for your detailed reply and you’re right on so many things. I have just blocked him on everything. I’m going to take some time to work on myself as I will admit I have low self esteem. 

[Big Stan]

9 hours ago, Rhi88 said:

You clearly have an inflated sense of self importance. Someone asking for advice and here you come with your bigoted views and putting others down. You have no idea about my life and your opinions are vile!! Do better, it’s really not difficult! 

 

You asked for advice and I gave you some.  Don't like it, too bad.

[Jaunty]

15 hours ago, Rhi88 said:

Probably because I loved him and believed all his promises. 

Promises?  You've been on and off, and he told you outright that he didn't want a relationship and never has.  I think you knew what you were signed up for the whole time.  I understand that you are hurt, but this permanent breakup is for the best, I promise.  You don't need this old fart.

[Rhi88]

5 hours ago, Big Stan said:

 

You asked for advice and I gave you some.  Don't like it, too bad.

You seem to have a problem with age difference relationships so why comment on an age gap forum, odd really. 

[Rhi88]

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Promises?  You've been on and off, and he told you outright that he didn't want a relationship and never has.  I think you knew what you were signed up for the whole time.  I understand that you are hurt, but this permanent breakup is for the best, I promise.  You don't need this old fart.

Yes he did say no relationship but then came back and promised me the world but my fault for letting it go on for so long. You are right, this breakup is for the best. 

[Big Stan]

6 hours ago, Rhi88 said:

You seem to have a problem with age difference relationships so why comment on an age gap forum, odd really. 

Oh.  I just sort by new.  That's my bad, I'll see myself out.