Feel like I'm in a non relationship

[liesandlies]

I've been with my wife for 15 years, married 8. We had our son 3.5 years ago, our daughter a year and a half ago.  

As for us, we have been staying in separate bedrooms since before we were partied because she was unwilling to train the dogs to not sleep on the bed.  We have not had sex since shortly after our son was born, and that was once.  She hasn't touched me at all in 2 years and I'm simply not allowed to touch her.  She has zero interest.  

She hides things and lies to me, often.  I wanted to instill healthy eating habits in the kids, she takes them out for pizza, cookies, ice cream... behind my back.   She herself sneaks food 3 or 4 times a week.  She pays with a credit card I don't have access too (that we've been working to pay off after she wakes up $20k in debt on it).  This alone feels like she's cheating on me as we agreed we had to get healthy when our son was born.  I changed my eating habits and lost 80 lbs, she didn't do anything and just sneaks her meals.  I worked very hard to lose weight and she tried to sabotage my diet over and over, cooking fatty, unhealthy meals.  Again, she agreed we had to get healthy but did nothing to try.  

She erases all texts on her phone.  I don't actively look but I know she does it which bothers me cause it just feels like she's hiding stuff. 

When our son was born, I had to take on the responsibility of his care, putting my business that I own on hold.  I again had to do it with our daughter.  Went from a profitable business to barely working (weekends only).  This alone has put stress on my own mental health. Essentially, I've changed everything for this family.  I gave up food, sex, my business and moneyz and even my freedom as I'm constantly with the kids.  She has given up nothing. No sacrifices, goes to work as always, sneaks food and God knows what else.  

I know this is a long vent, but I'm just sick of the lies and deception when I've given up so much for this family.  I'm lost on what to do moving forward.  

[Big Stan]

I'm not at a loss.  Your wife doesn't care about you or your family.  Time to tell her that if she doesn't change and start pulling her weight you and the kids will leave.  She can pay your ass child support.  

[Batya33]

I’m married for almost 15 years one child who is 14.  I agree with you generally.  How many hours a week does she work? What were your conversations and agreements about your work and business pre kids?  Why don’t you hire sitters or a nanny or use daycare so you can run your business ? Is she still breastfeeding the baby (if she did).  
by the way - I delete lots of texts.  I don’t want my phone cluttered up especially when people send me photos etc. and yes sometimes I delete personal stuff - meaning personal conversations that contain private info of mine or my female friends.  I’ve only looked at my husband’s phone when he asks me to check something and vice versa.  

as far as food I think all else equal there should be some room for compromise. my husband lets my son have more sweets than I would but when he was a baby and toddler it wasn’t like that.  
Also my son does not overeat except rarely by mistake kind of. So he’s not going to guzzle soda or sweets or junk just because it’s there so I’m ok with treats in moderation.  I am slim and so is our son and my husband is slightly overweight but we’re all healthy. 

Just trying to provide context. Woidk your wife be open to relationship counseling even at your place of worship ?  Is she very overweight?  If she cooks unhealthy meals simply tell her it doesn’t agree with you and make yourself something else even a bowl of oatmeal or an egg white omelette etc. 

Again generally of course this sounds like a bad situation but just wanted to point out a few things.  Sorry you’re struggling.  

[smackie9]

She needs help. Sounds like she suffers from depression and is using unhealthy ways to cope. Instead of fighting against her, lift her up and offer her to get help. Communicate, be gentle and supportive, keep the resentment out of it. Hopefully with counselling you both can start to rebuild.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, liesandlies said:

.  I worked very hard to lose weight and she tried to sabotage my diet over and over, cooking fatty, unhealthy meals.  

 I gave up food, sex, my business and moneyz and even my freedom as I'm constantly with the kids.  She goes to work as always, sneaks food

Sorry this is happening. Continue to take care of your physical and mental health. 

How old is she? Does she have weight problems as well? How is your health overall?  Do both of you work? Or are you a stay-at-home dad at the moment?  

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Shop and prepare healthier foods for yourself and your children. You can't really control what she eats.

As far as the lack of intimacy, is it due to health problems? 

[SooSad33]

On 5/22/2023 at 1:13 PM, liesandlies said:

She hides things and lies to me, often.  I wanted to instill healthy eating habits in the kids, she takes them out for pizza, cookies, ice cream... behind my back.   She herself sneaks food 3 or 4 times a week.  She pays with a credit card I don't have access too (that we've been working to pay off after she wakes up $20k in debt on it).  This alone feels like she's cheating on me as we agreed we had to get healthy when our son was born.  I changed my eating habits and lost 80 lbs, she didn't do anything and just sneaks her meals.  I worked very hard to lose weight and she tried to sabotage my diet over and over, cooking fatty, unhealthy meals.  Again, she agreed we had to get healthy but did nothing to try.  

Re: this, YOU can do as you please for yourself, if she doesn't want to go there, nothing you can do about it.  As for the kids & their eating, yes, you have a say ( although, nothing wrong with having a pizza & ice cream now & then - let them live a little) 😉 .

 

On 5/22/2023 at 1:13 PM, liesandlies said:

I gave up food, sex, my business and moneyz and even my freedom as I'm constantly with the kids.  She has given up nothing. No sacrifices, goes to work as always, sneaks food and God knows what else.

Sounds like you're holding a lot of resentment.  You're not happy in this.

As for the kids, .. you both work?  How is it your one child seems to be affecting your business now?  Can't you guys get a sitter/ daycare?

 

As for her hiding her communications on her phone, you are most likely right there.. But, by sounds of things, neither of you are getting what's req'd in a decent, successful relationship.  Many things aren't there & you're not working well together 😕 .

You both seem miserable and you're not exactly working things out, to make sure each other are happy - but more, are realizing you have too many differences now. ( no sex in a long while - due to dog issue's..... kids not being fed properly ( in your opinion, etc)...).

Maybe, is it time to throw in the towel and separate IF you feel like the relationship's falling apart & neither of you feel you can work this stuff out?