Not in the popular clique at work

[Alex39]

I've always been a more shy person. I'm not boisterous, or loud. I try to stay professional at work. Making you laugh with lots of jokes, to me, isn't professional. Drinking at a bar with my boss, isn't professional.  I try to let my work speak for me. I'm extremely kind and reliable. I'm a sweet person. 

How my work is structured. We have a head boss. Then a boss below him- his assistant boss. Then mini departments under them with few workers in each.   So I have a mini department with my boss and me. My colleague has a mini department and there's a couple more mini departments. But we are all staff people in the larger ddepartment. Under the head boss and his assistant boss.  Maybe 20 of us total. 

Years ago, we got a new high head boss. He was friendly and nice. He was 25 to 30 years older than me- mid 50s,  so I wasn't going to be his best friend. And he's my boss. 

Well, the assistant boss, his second in command, and some other random staff members, including a secretary, and other staff, one being my direct boss in my mini department,  started kissing his buttt super hard. I noticed they were all over him. They started a texting chain, with only certain people included. 

I'd have people say "Oh yeah, what was mentioned in the chat" and I had no idea, because I wasn't included. They started meeting up for things at work, and I'd have no idea. I wasn't in the text group. 

They would go out after work for drinks. This new boss, was very lonely, his wife was always away for work. And he loved to drink. He always wanted to go out drinking with us. I was invited, by him. But I felt he fed into this group at work that was obsessed with him. They were like his groupies. 

I have friends my own age. I really didn't find it fun to go out drinking with my high boss and all 40 to 60 year olds. They would sit and complain about motherhood and never going out and always working. That isn't my life. 

But I'd occasionally join after work here and there. But it was very clear, I wasn't popular, just there. 

Then these people all bonded over having dogs. I don't have a dog. A few of them didn't have dogs, and ran out and got them- I think just to fit in. It's shocking how brown nosing this people are with each other. 

The assistant boss even made an underhanded comment to me one day about how I hang out with my parents a lot. My family and I are close. I felt judged. She barely knows me. 

I even heard a few times that one of the women went out with him alone at night to a bar. I thought this to be a bit inappropriate. This woman was married with a husband and kids at home. And your out drinking with another man into the night? 

Again, I'd occasionally go, if other people were invited in a group. But it was clear they cared less I was there. 

It's very clear who the favorites are. They've gotten promotions. Won monetary awards at work. 

 

I worked really hard this past year. Trying to prove myself.  It was overlooked. I put in to win a bonus. I didnt win. Makes me think it wasn't fair. But I got over that. 

Over the years, we do birthdays. Someone brings in a cake, we sing and celebrate in a conference room. Over the years, I've noticed, now only the favorites bring cakes for each other, we all get invited to celebrate. But then my birthday rolls around. No one does a cake or a celebration for me. I havent gotten a cake in 4 years. 

We had a company party. Hundreds of people there. We all went. I ended up at a table with the high boss and another girl I work with. The favorites come over to the boss in front of me and the other girl and demand they do shots with him, but dis-include me and the other colleague right in front of us. It was so rude. 

Well now, our big boss announced he was leaving and moving away. I sent him a nice professional email wishing him well. 

My friend comes over and asks me if I'm going to the goodbye party. I had no idea what she was talking about. 

 

She then tells me that his second- the assistant boss is having a goodbye party at her home. But she verbatim said "I only invited those in the inner circle"

I wasnt invited. 

I'm so hurt by this. I work hard. I'm kind to everyone. I don't deserve to be invited? 

She's my boss. I'm extremely upset by this. That I have to have a puppy and be outgoing and drink with my colleagues to get ahead. Makes me think that no matter how hard I work, that I won't be fairly evaluated, because I'm not popular. 

 

What do others think of this? Should I look for another job eventually?

 

[Starlight925]

Since the big boss is leaving, will all the brown nosers put their dogs on Marketplace?

I honestly hate this kind of atmosphere, and yes, I've worked in it before.  Only remaining "popular" and getting the promotions/raises when one participates in the drinking and night life.

 I had a male coworker who was very happily married to a beautiful woman with 2 young boys, and he preferred to go home to his family rather than the bars.  He was "ousted" from the in group, and he eventually left the company.  I remember once he called me to vent, and he said, "So because I actually love my wife and cherish my boys, I get punished?"

Typically, the big boss, the one who everyone circles around, is either a narcissist, or very unhappy in his home life, or both.  So he makes up a friend group within work, only it's not just friends, it's admirers.  They hang on his every word.  They even buy animals to appeal to him.

It's a toxic environment.  

Whether you decide to leave will depend on who they replace Mr. Big Boss with.  If they replace him with a normal person, someone who has their own personal life outside of work, then you may have a chance at a normal work environment.  

But it sounds to me that this place breeds toxicity, which is so unfortunate.  

I'd stick it out for a while, but polish up your resume, get all your LinkedIn keywords working, increase your network, and start poking around to see what else is out there.

[Alex39]

17 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

Since the big boss is leaving, will all the brown nosers put their dogs on Marketplace?

I honestly hate this kind of atmosphere, and yes, I've worked in it before.  Only remaining "popular" and getting the promotions/raises when one participates in the drinking and night life.

 I had a male coworker who was very happily married to a beautiful woman with 2 young boys, and he preferred to go home to his family rather than the bars.  He was "ousted" from the in group, and he eventually left the company.  I remember once he called me to vent, and he said, "So because I actually love my wife and cherish my boys, I get punished?"

Typically, the big boss, the one who everyone circles around, is either a narcissist, or very unhappy in his home life, or both.  So he makes up a friend group within work, only it's not just friends, it's admirers.  They hang on his every word.  They even buy animals to appeal to him.

It's a toxic environment.  

Whether you decide to leave will depend on who they replace Mr. Big Boss with.  If they replace him with a normal person, someone who has their own personal life outside of work, then you may have a chance at a normal work environment.  

But it sounds to me that this place breeds toxicity, which is so unfortunate.  

I'd stick it out for a while, but polish up your resume, get all your LinkedIn keywords working, increase your network, and start poking around to see what else is out there.

Thanks for understanding. I can totally relate to that guy you spoke of. I remember the big boss coming around one day being like - hey Alex, let's go to this bar sometime soon.  I was like ohh yeah, sounds fun. 

Why the heck do I want to go drinking with a 55 year old man. I'm a 30 year old single woman. I never made the plan. I have my own friends and family I want to see. And I don't drink excessively.  I saw one night they did shots after shots at a bar. That's crazy. 

 

Like hanging out after work is fun sometimes, but I feel I am still at work. I want to leave work. 

The issue I worry about is. As soon as someone new comes- this clique is going to surround him or her with their friendship, loyalty, we are your people shtick like they did previously and they suck them into their cult. 

I actually think my boss leaving is a nice guy. But the people around him were the issue and he was the lonely instigator. These people did. They hung on his every word. They literally bought dogs, because he loves dogs and they have doggy visits. I swear two of them purposely bought dogs who had no business having a pet. They watch each others dogs in each other's homes. 

Not being invited to the going away party is so hurtful. That I'm worthless, after working so hard this year. I shouldn't have to be your drinking buddy and dog sitter, to be acknowledged.  

 

It's funny too. They hated the big boss before this guy. And now I see why. The previous boss had had own life. Didn't want to canoodle with them. I remember him being away at his beach house with his family,  working remotely and he zoomed into a meeting. They all trash talked him because he was there. They were just mad and jealous. He didn't care who kissed his butt. He had his own goals and he wasn't their friend. 

[Big Stan]

A good boss could change this company culture, but it's going to take a good boss.  There's a difference between team building/camaraderie and co-dependence.  It seems like your coworkers also have nothing going on in their lives.  I would ride it out until a new boss comes in and you can judge the environment.  

 

With that said it never hurts to look. Just if you're going to take a new job make sure it's on YOUR terms.  Only make a move for something clearly better than what you have now.  Don't just leave an environment, get more money or better opportunities.  

[lostandhurt]

I was one of the most well respected at the place I worked at for over 30 years but I was not anywhere near the most liked.  The slackers feared me and the hard workers gravitated to me and I didn't care one little bit.  I am curious why you were hurt?

 You like to keep things professional and not socialize outside of work which is perfectly fine so why is this something you feel you need to leave the company over?

 You should leave if you have a plan for advancement, apply for better positions and get passed by more than a few times.  Especially if people with less skills and less knowledge than you get promoted.  Then it is time to start looking for something where you can move up the ladder.

   It sucks to be left out but in the grand scheme of your work life how important is it really?

 You have to be seen to be promoted unfortunately.  Promoting yourself by getting out of your comfort zone and socializing more with coworkers will help them see all of you, not just the professional.

 It isn't fair or right but just working hard and being the best in the company does not get you promoted a lot of the time.

Lost

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I worked really hard this past year. Trying to prove myself.  It was overlooked. I put in to win a bonus. I didnt win. Makes me think it wasn't fair. But I got over that. 

 

No you arent. You are bothered with it. With a good reason. 

But if you are unwilling to "play the game" are you really surprised you are overlooked? If socializing, drinking, even sleeping(your colleague probably did sleep with him btw) with your Boss gets you rewards, are you surprised you arent getting any rewards?

You arent shrewd. That is OK, neiher am I. I am generally "work my job the best I can" type of guy. But in "corporate environment" if you are unwilling to "play the game" you usually wont get anywhere. You wont get that promotion, that bonus etc. You can change the job, maybe you get fairer treatment somewhere else. But again, if you unwilling to "kiss as" and socialize, you will probably still going to get overlooked for people who are willing to do that.

[Batya33]

I've worked (not including temp places) in 6-8 workplaces -some were cliquey and some were not. I worked in a really cliquey place my first year out of grad school - a number of the newbies like me (we'd been summer interns together in the past with a couple of exceptions) were not from my city so their social life was work-based and they did the drinks too.  I didn't -I had friends in my city already and we already worked long hours! 

This likely was a networking mistake but in my 20s I didn't see the long range benefit of networking early on for later business devlopment success. And I didn't drink like they did -meaning to excess -I could have nursed my half glass of wine but..... I didn't.

Here's the happy ending.  My future husband worked in a whole different department but also grew up in my city -in fact we grew up 7 miles apart and knew a few people in common (his first girlfriend was in my college honor society lol) - he also didn't want to do the friday happy hour thing -he was shy/introverted and had been a summer intern in a different year. 

So because of our combined not wanting to be in the popular clique/or I suppose not being included - we went on dates and hung out outside of work on those Friday nights which -if he'd been one of those happy hour dudes -likely we both would have just been one of the crowd and never really connected.

I did make social mistakes though -as summer interns  I did the company sponsored events but did the faux pas of asking an intern who was organizing a private social event who else was coming -it was because it was an expensive night out and I'd need a long taxi ride home late at night etc and yes I wanted to see if it was "worth it" -he was offended and that led to me being excluded from other plans. I own my faux pas.  

I think the new boss coming will be an oppportunity for you to reevaluate if you want to modify your stance on socializing -is there a busines development/networking benefit? Can you go to one or two events and not constantly? Can you plan your own -like a low key lunch plan with a few people or an after work gym class? It's fine if you don't want to -I get it! -just noting that this could be sort of a clean slate.

Good luck.

[MissCanuck]

12 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I really didn't find it fun to go out drinking with my high boss and all 40 to 60 year olds. They would sit and complain about motherhood and never going out and always working. That isn't my life.

Fair enough. But then why complain if you are not included? 

12 hours ago, Alex39 said:

A few of them didn't have dogs, and ran out and got them- I think just to fit in.

You have no clue if this is true.

12 hours ago, Alex39 said:

one of the women went out with him alone at night to a bar. I thought this to be a bit inappropriate. This woman was married with a husband and kids at home. And your out drinking with another man into the night? 

Not your business. 

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I swear two of them purposely bought dogs who had no business having a pet.

How do you know this?

Look, I am not trying to come down on you. But when you sit in judgment of people, they will sense it. And they will not be keen to include you. You have rattled off a list of complaints about them and you don't even seem to like them, so I am surprised to hear you also want to be asked to join in their activities. 

This isn't to say you need to be partying and drinking and carrying on, but I also think you perhaps give off the impression that you don't particularly like them. 

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Fair enough. But then why complain if you are not included? 

You have no clue if this is true.

Not your business. 

How do you know this?

Look, I am not trying to come down on you. But when you sit in judgment of people, they will sense it. And they will not be keen to include you. You have rattled off a list of complaints about them and you don't even seem to like them, so I am surprised to hear you also want to be asked to join in their activities. 

This isn't to say you need to be partying and drinking and carrying on, but I also think you perhaps give off the impression that you don't particularly like them. 

I do actually like these people and feel they liked me. I'm friendly, kind, and helpful around the office. I talk and socialize with some of these people. I'm good friends with two in the inner circle. I'm just more shy in a big group. And, I don't have a dog. I don't go on doggy play dates and am not included in the texting chain. 

It was very obvious those that ran out to get dogs. They didn't have dogs. Their lives didn't seem fit for a pet. They worked all the time. But suddenly they had pets and they started a dog texting chain and are dog sitting each other's dogs. To me, it was very much a stategic move to fit in. 

 

I think bosses in an office should be role models, fair and impartial. You are judging people's performance. You are a manager and a boss. These people are very overtly unfair publicly. They disinclude certain people. They favor certain people. 

One of my friends in the inner circle gets extra little jobs at work, and they make sure she gets extra pay for it. I don't get that opportunity and when I inquired about doing extra work, I was shot down. 

I'm in another group at work- different department for a commitee I am on. Every year a woman has a nice picnic at her house for the commitee members. I never went for years. But I am invited every single time. Finally, last year I went. And they were happy to see me show up. They thanked me for coming. I always felt I was at least invited, and I could choose to go or not. Which was the right thing to do. She didn't just pick and choose who she liked. All are welcome. 

I think the bosses in my department have gotten too friendly with the workers, giving some special treatment. It just seems wrong. 

 

 

 

[Starlight925]

I agree that there is too much personal life/work life crossover at your company.

It's like everybody is trying to live "The Office", where their work world IS their personal world.

I just met with friends from a job I had like that, many years ago.  They still talk incessantly about the company, even though several have left.  One friend, now in his 60's and remarried to a great woman, has no plans to retire, even though money is no longer an object.  I asked why, and he said, "What else would I do?"  He is so enmeshed in the personal/work crossover, that he doesn't see it.  He even lives in a separate home from his wife, as it's closer to work (she owns a huge family property, which is why she can't move).

At the company I left that job for, I was assigned to a boss similar to yours.  He was unhappily married, so his social life was his work life.  One work friend who brown-nosed him a ton is now struggling, because he is long gone, and she has no one to brown nose to, as her new boss is happy in his own life.

When I had the boss that everyone had to brown nose, I was to be paired up at a national trade show with a guy who had made an aggressive pass at me.  The guy was in the "in club", so my boss had shrugged it off when I first told him.  When I asked to be paired with someone else, the boss said, "Oh great, so now I have to rearrange everybody to suit Ms. Starlight925".  

P.S.:  They are both now gone, and I'm still standing.

 

[Batya33]

You’re fortunate they kept inviting you to the picnic when you kept declining.
As far as getting a dog to fit in - sounds far fetched pun intended. I know of several people who took up golf to fit in to corporate culture.  No judgment here.
as far as going out late when you’re married for business - totally fine IMO. It’s business. My husband would if he needed to in order to network etc. as would I.  When we were boyfriend girlfriend I often had lunch or dinner with my male boss alone when we traveled. We kept thing’s professional and also knew a great deal about aboti each others personal life and met as families and double dates.  

[Big Stan]

20 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

. 

 

I think bosses in an office should be role models, fair and impartial. You are judging people's performance. You are a manager and a boss. These people are very overtly unfair publicly. They disinclude certain people. They favor certain people. 
 

I think the bosses in my department have gotten too friendly with the workers, giving some special treatment. It just seems wrong. 

 

 

 

I am a boss so I’m going to speak from the bosses perspective. While the first paragraph of your quote is the ideal bosses are people too and as such they are probably going to form some bonds with people at work. 
 

You have chosen to exclude yourself from the work culture and while that is your choice it is no surprise that your boss is going to have favorites other than you. After all, he’s just human like you are.  From the way it sounds your boss isn’t really mistreating you, you just aren’t getting anything EXTRA and you feel excluded. 
 

The thing is this was YOUR choice. Again, it’s fine to not have your work be your life but if you aren’t going to be involved with the company you aren’t going to advance. That’s just life. Like you I thought objective work performance was the only thing that mattered for advancement, it isn’t. 
 

Your boss has to work closely with the people who move up. The closer they get to his position the more they reflect on him and the more closely they work in concert with him. It makes sense that he would choose people he likes for those roles.  You would do the same thing in his spot. 
 

You have a few choices OP, you can fit in with your current company culture, find a culture that is something you want to fit into or be fine showing up doing your job and getting paid for just that with little to no extras. When someone is going to get promoted a smart boss picks someone who not only is competent but also is well liked in their peer group. That means someone involved in the company. 
 

For example I’m not big on the drinking heavily but I am a married man and my direct report is a 10 year younger and pretty woman. She routinely hangs out with me and with my wife and I. We just hang or go to art galleries or yes sometimes out for a beer. Nothing salacious happens, we aren’t gross like that but she gets benefits that my other employees won’t simply because we are friends. 
 

Not even work related necessarily like I’m helping her remodel her house for free. I’m sure the people under her look at that stuff as me playing favorites at work but as a human being I’m allowed to have friends too. It’s only natural and you need to stop looking at your boss as some robot role model and realize that the human factor is how relationships work. 

[boltnrun]

I invited my employees over to my home for a cookout. They all attended even though perhaps some of them didn't really want to 😆 Even the employee who already had plans made sure to come by before she left for her other plans. I feel I related well to all of them but it definitely helped the working relationship to have some outside interaction.

You have been invited but you're choosing not to attend. You were not excluded. 

[Alex39]

43 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I invited my employees over to my home for a cookout. They all attended even though perhaps some of them didn't really want to 😆 Even the employee who already had plans made sure to come by before she left for her other plans. I feel I related well to all of them but it definitely helped the working relationship to have some outside interaction.

You have been invited but you're choosing not to attend. You were not excluded. 

Yes, but you invited everyone. Not just certain people. In the last year, I've gone out to the bar with them once. And participated in a few events here and there. 

 

The assistant boss only invited people she said were "in the inner circle" to a party at her house. 

 

If invited, I would have probably attended. 

 

I don't think thats nice or fair, because I don't go out with them all the time. 

[Alex39]

54 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

I am a boss so I’m going to speak from the bosses perspective. While the first paragraph of your quote is the ideal bosses are people too and as such they are probably going to form some bonds with people at work. 
 

You have chosen to exclude yourself from the work culture and while that is your choice it is no surprise that your boss is going to have favorites other than you. After all, he’s just human like you are.  From the way it sounds your boss isn’t really mistreating you, you just aren’t getting anything EXTRA and you feel excluded. 
 

The thing is this was YOUR choice. Again, it’s fine to not have your work be your life but if you aren’t going to be involved with the company you aren’t going to advance. That’s just life. Like you I thought objective work performance was the only thing that mattered for advancement, it isn’t. 
 

Your boss has to work closely with the people who move up. The closer they get to his position the more they reflect on him and the more closely they work in concert with him. It makes sense that he would choose people he likes for those roles.  You would do the same thing in his spot. 
 

You have a few choices OP, you can fit in with your current company culture, find a culture that is something you want to fit into or be fine showing up doing your job and getting paid for just that with little to no extras. When someone is going to get promoted a smart boss picks someone who not only is competent but also is well liked in their peer group. That means someone involved in the company. 
 

For example I’m not big on the drinking heavily but I am a married man and my direct report is a 10 year younger and pretty woman. She routinely hangs out with me and with my wife and I. We just hang or go to art galleries or yes sometimes out for a beer. Nothing salacious happens, we aren’t gross like that but she gets benefits that my other employees won’t simply because we are friends. 
 

Not even work related necessarily like I’m helping her remodel her house for free. I’m sure the people under her look at that stuff as me playing favorites at work but as a human being I’m allowed to have friends too. It’s only natural and you need to stop looking at your boss as some robot role model and realize that the human factor is how relationships work. 

Yes, she hangs out with you AND your wife and others. This guy will go out without his wife with one or two woman alone late at night drinking. If I was married, I personally wouldn't do that with a husband at home. Just my opinion. 

[tattoobunnie]

One day you will realize that middle-aged people, married with kids or pets don't necessarily want to spend time with single people with zero responsibilities for another being after a long hard day at work.

And people pick up on judgey people. Whether you say it to their face or not, you don't get where they are coming from at all.  Not trying to be too hard on you, but when I was your age, no kids or pets too, I would think judegy things about how others parents or their pets' behaviors.

I would just not worry about it.  Work hard, stay positive and kind to others.  Have pow-wows with bosses when possible, and 100% get a business mentor; does not have to be from your own company. You definitely could use one.

[boltnrun]

30 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I've gone out to the bar with them once. And participated in a few events here and there. 

You likely would have continued to be invited if you attended more than once. Or did more than participate "here and there".

[Big Stan]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Yes, she hangs out with you AND your wife and others. This guy will go out without his wife with one or two woman alone late at night drinking. If I was married, I personally wouldn't do that with a husband at home. Just my opinion. 

You can have whatever opinion you'd like it doesn't mean he is doing anything inappropriate with this woman.  I also hang out with the woman in my story alone on occasion.  We are not, nor have we ever been intimate or even anything approaching flirtatious.  I have kept all of my conversations with her intact and would allow my wife to read our chats in their entirety without needing to delete any messages or provide context.  

Honestly I do not like the sort of people who insinuate that things crossing the line are automatically going on simply because the people are of the opposite sex.  As another commenter has said she went out for drinks with her boss alone and nothing happened it was professional and work related. 

[mylolita]

Evening Alex!

The social thing aside, just when you mentioned the pay rise and promotion - have you ever thought about going in and asking for a pay rise? Sometimes even the aspect of you creating a meeting and asking lends respect, even if they don't grant you it?

There is a phase in the UK that goes, "Shy bairns get nowt!" 

You have to put yourself out there or you won't really get anything. Not much falls into our laps in life, you normally need to be bold. Fortune favours the bold. "Who dares, wins" SAS motto! 

With regards to socialising - most people will spend half their lives at work. You don't ideally want it to just be about money and the grind, or unless you have a very active social life outside of work, or family you are close to and friends, things can get lonely fast. 

Is there anyone you click with on a bit of a deeper level at work? Even if you have one person, or make one friend there (which does take time!) that can help, and make light of the working day?

I remember working in a legal office and it could be boring sometimes and it could be intense with deadlines often and, the friends I had there, sometimes I would be driving to work just feeling good about getting to chat with them or go to lunch with them and it lightened everything up! You only need one, you don't need the whole office!

x

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

To me, it was very much a stategic move to fit in. 

So what if it was? It doesn't concern you. 

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

If I was married, I personally wouldn't do that with a husband at home. Just my opinion

Exactly. It's your opinion. But she is not you and her marriage is not your business. 

Try not to nit-pick at things and project and judge so much. You have no idea what anyone's motivations were, and you seem to be picking them apart because you're upset that you aren't included more. I get that it sucks to feel left out, but I don't see how that leads to you making value judgments on people you apparently don't actually know very well. 

[boltnrun]

Strategy absolutely has a place in the business world.

I was up for a pretty major promotion, a job I truly wanted. I knew the GM was really into racing, so I brought up how I used to be involved in a race team and worked for a car builder. We had a nice conversation about his racing and how much he enjoyed it. Did I bring it up deliberately in order to try to get an advantage? You betcha. And it worked to an extent because it was down to me and one other candidate. And I didn't get the job, but (per him), that was only because he decided to go outside the company for the hire. He told my ops manager that he felt I was an excellent fit if not for the fact I was already working for the company.

That's life. Things aren't always what we think should be "fair". You can learn to play the game or, if that's distasteful to you, go somewhere where everyone just does their daily tasks and goes home. No interaction outside the office. 

[catfeeder]

Learn whether you can develop a good enough relationship with the new boss to gain some recognition. However, the culture below that person has been established, and your lack of inclusion likely reflects your lack of enthusiasm toward it and your lack of participation in it.

Is that fair? Depends on who you ask. I worked a project of 125+ people. One of the bosses came by with a holiday invitation to his home. He asked that I not discuss it with anyone because not everyone was invited.

A friend later mentioned she had an invitation that stressed her because of the distance to travel alone at night. I asked if it was her direct boss and she said yes. So I invited her to stay at my place and we could go together.

The party was open house style, so I had no idea who was excluded. So it’s not as though guests were involved in some conspiracy to ostracize anyone. The guy just picked those he enjoyed spending time with, and those who may have elected to avoid social relationships at work remained respected for their work but not considered party material.

Moms tend to befriend moms, pet owners befriend pet owners, drinkers befriend drinkers, smokers befriend smokers… nobody befriends someone who rejects their invitations, regardless of why.

I probably could have been invited to more parties during the years I skipped socializing in favor of my Masters degree. It was a choice I made.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

So what if it was? It doesn't concern you. 

Exactly. It's your opinion. But she is not you and her marriage is not your business. 

Try not to nit-pick at things and project and judge so much. You have no idea what anyone's motivations were, and you seem to be picking them apart because you're upset that you aren't included more. I get that it sucks to feel left out, but I don't see how that leads to you making value judgments on people you apparently don't actually know very well. 

For all you know they have an open marriage and/or they've decided that that sort of work-related activity is totally fine.  

[LootieTootie]

I'm pretty much the same. I am one of those people who keep my personal life and work life separate. And it never bugged me when I wasn't invited to an event or to an outing because I could care less. All I did was kept my head down and work.

What did irked me was being passed for a promotion even when I would go over and beyond and take on more assignments than others. Every time I was passed for promotion, I always knew it was due to (1) not being chummy enough with the hiring manager or (2) office politics. Every time I got passed for a promotion, I just went and look for promotion somewhere else, and always got the job. It is the best revenge - the sweetest. Not only was I getting paid more than the person you passed me up for, you are going to have to fill in my shoes or hope to find someone who can- ha!

So if you know you aren't getting your dues, you need to ditch your employer. Who cares what so and so is doing or saying to get bosses to love them and overlook you. Thats just high-school mentality distraction that is keeping you from realizing that you need to go elsewhere to get recognition.

[Alex39]

I didn't feel this way before. When I found out that they are having some secret bash that I wwlasnt invited to,things became more clear to me.