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On the previous thread I posted, i was told by a few commenters that I have low self esteem based upon decisions I have made in the dating world. I agree and I feel like it stems from my childhood. — My aunt who is deceased was severely bipolar. She oscillated between being nice & treating me and my siblings crap every single day because she was mentally ill and also angry at the world. Our mom who was depressed her whole life never took up for us or herself because my aunt was the bread winner, and other family members just simply never intervened. So basically I grew up in a very toxic environment, where I never got a chance to escape red flags because I always had to ignore them. So it became kind of normal to me. 

She caused alot of insecurities within me because she would always beat me down with words , she also constantly made me feel like I wasn’t intelligent, I could barely have friends growing up. It was horrible, she’s even the reason why me & my siblings don’t talk today. (I was the scapegoat and the golden child some days)…….but I do have sympathy for her because she was in pain, she was angry her whole life because she was hurt by a man & she gave up her child, a 44 year old son no one knew about until she finally located him a few months before she died. It was a crazy situation, and very much movie worthy. However I’m still trying to undo the damage that is obviously still here.
 

I was wondering if anyone had any tips on cultivating self esteem, self worth, and boundaries. Many others said therapy but I don’t have insurance. Any book recommendations, Facebook groups, online classes, spirituality tips, podcast or YouTube channel suggestions are very welcome and would be much appreciated. I’m very open! 

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33 minutes ago, Inquisitivemind111 said:

I was wondering if anyone had any tips on cultivating self esteem, self worth, and boundaries. Many others said therapy but I don’t have insurance. Any book recommendations, Facebook groups, online classes, spirituality tips, podcast or YouTube channel suggestions are very welcome and would be much appreciated. I’m very open! 

Here's how I do it -I'm just a layperson though!  I'm 56, married, one teenage son.

I work out daily.  I've been working out regularly since 1982 and because of my current lifestyle/schedule it's been daily although slightly shorter duration -since around 2011.  

I work part time in my industry.  Working boosts my sense of self esteem and self-worth and is good for my brain.

I stay hydrated - I like to do 10-11 glasses of water a day, no more diet soda for years now - some coffee in the morning.

I practice decent sleep hygiene.  I strongly believe all of this is connected to self esteem and worth -if you don't do the basics for your body you can't feel good about yourself overall.

I say a prayer almost nightly -been doing that over 20 years after a couple year hiatus -and think of three things I'm grateful for -

I practice saying no to certain requests without overblown apologies.  I use I statements if someone upsets me -forces me to be direct and I try to avoid doing so in typing - in person or on phone. 

I read as much as possible for the less screen time and because reading all sorts of fiction and non-fiction keeps me centered and grounded.

I eat reasonably healthy and sweets etc in moderation.

I've done volunteer work on and off for about 40 years.  It's been awhile partly because of the pandemic. Giving to others gets me out of my head and broadens my perspective.

I do 4-7-8 breathing Weil method when I feel anxious or can't sleep.

I stay connected with friends and I act in a reliable and give/take way.  

I practice being a good listener.

In the recent past we've visited with family.  Different family. Twice now including a few days ago and a few months ago I made some excuse and walked out of a restaurant as I was being treated with disrespect and my attempts to ask for that to stop weren't listened to.  I didn't walk out dramatically -I did it for me.  

Hope this helps! I'm sorry you had a chalenging past.

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3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Here's how I do it -I'm just a layperson though!  I'm 56, married, one teenage son.

I work out daily.  I've been working out regularly since 1982 and because of my current lifestyle/schedule it's been daily although slightly shorter duration -since around 2011.  

I work part time in my industry.  Working boosts my sense of self esteem and self-worth and is good for my brain.

I stay hydrated - I like to do 10-11 glasses of water a day, no more diet soda for years now - some coffee in the morning.

I practice decent sleep hygiene.  I strongly believe all of this is connected to self esteem and worth -if you don't do the basics for your body you can't feel good about yourself overall.

I say a prayer almost nightly -been doing that over 20 years after a couple year hiatus -and think of three things I'm grateful for -

I practice saying no to certain requests without overblown apologies.  I use I statements if someone upsets me -forces me to be direct and I try to avoid doing so in typing - in person or on phone. 

I read as much as possible for the less screen time and because reading all sorts of fiction and non-fiction keeps me centered and grounded.

I eat reasonably healthy and sweets etc in moderation.

I've done volunteer work on and off for about 40 years.  It's been awhile partly because of the pandemic. Giving to others gets me out of my head and broadens my perspective.

I do 4-7-8 breathing Weil method when I feel anxious or can't sleep.

I stay connected with friends and I act in a reliable and give/take way.  

I practice being a good listener.

In the recent past we've visited with family.  Different family. Twice now including a few days ago and a few months ago I made some excuse and walked out of a restaurant as I was being treated with disrespect and my attempts to ask for that to stop weren't listened to.  I didn't walk out dramatically -I did it for me.  

Hope this helps! I'm sorry you had a chalenging past.

Thank you for your answer! ❤️ sending love. 

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I do just about everything @Batya33 does for the most part.  I'm very happily married with two sons in the suburbs. 

My mother grew up in a very dysfunctional,  traumatic household and married a domestically violent husband who was also a chain smoker,  alcoholic,  womanizer,  left my mother with 3 children to raise all by herself with nary a penny of child support and saddled my mother with $350K debt.  She is haunted with horrible memories to this day.  To her credit,  she worked three jobs,  seven days a week to put a roof over our heads and food on the table.  She never filed for bankruptcy nor lost her suburban house.  I'm grateful to her.  Due to her severe circumstances,  she's a very harsh woman who knows no bounds.  Empathy,  tact and grace are not part of her vocabulary.   My siblings are reminiscent of my mother.  I keep them at arm's length.  We are peaceful and no one is at each other's throats.  It works.  

I grew up with very low self esteem and poor self confidence. 

On a daily basis,  I'm responsible for my own happiness.  I exercise daily,  eat healthy,  pay attention to my grooming so I'm not walking around looking like a hag and it's all in good taste, too.  I'm all about understated elegance,  manicures / pedicures (pretty),  natural-looking makeup and frequenting the hair salon monthly.  I have a penchant for pretty clothes,  handbags,  shoes and I'm all set with fine jewelry from years ago.  I like to look put together because it's a huge boost to my self esteem.  Whenever I pass the mirror,  I prefer to look pretty decent.  Despite being married,  I've never "let my looks go."  I like to be a pretty wife and mother. 

I tend to avoid the Internet as it turns into a huge time trap.  I've since discovered that I can get so much more done without my nose in my phone nor camped onto the PC.  Amazing. ☺️  My days are very productive and industrious because of it. 

As for boundaries,  if I have to eliminate certain people from my life,  I do it without hesitation whatsoever.  With certain people whom I must cross paths with (for example:  some local relatives / in-laws),  electronic correspondence is at the bare minimum to nil and being together is at the minimum as well.  Those are my borders and enforced boundaries.  I no longer tolerate anyone's ______  anymore.  Either behave honorably or I'm out.  My current stance regarding people and boundaries makes me feel smart,  strong and tough which does wonders to my boosted self esteem and self confidence.  You ought to try it. 

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How do you lack self-esteem as an influencer? Actually nevermind, its logical that you seek validity from others when you didnt get it through life.

Therapy. No self-help book, "spiritual guru" that would swindle you for cash, or podcast, would help you with that. You have a deep rooted issue where you seek validity from other people. Where it even "spilled" into your job. Instead of paying some spiritual guru, pay for an actual professional who would actually treat the issue instead of saying you should meditate on it.

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Lookup The Landmark Foundation...hear me out. Haven't taken a class in 12 years, so while some will say it's a money grab, I honestly know it's why my mom and I have an open relationship now after decades of me hating her.  I was able to ready mentally for my marriage, and why my eldest brother has shot up in awesomeness with all he does now.  And we all have The Landmark Foundation to thank for it.  It's changed how I am with employees, friends, meanies, and the world.  The 1st part is a weekend, and it was hard, but I would not be where I am today without that weekend.

I mean you can look in the mirror can call yourself a rock star every day, but it doesn't address the actual issues.  Good luck on your journey to learning to love yourself, and "finding a bigger problem."

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1 minute ago, tattoobunnie said:

Lookup The Landmark Foundation...hear me out. Haven't taken a class in 12 years, so while some will say it's a money grab, I honestly know it's why my mom and I have an open relationship now after decades of me hating her.  I was able to ready mentally for my marriage, and why my eldest brother has shot up in awesomeness with all he does now.  And we all have The Landmark Foundation to thank for it.  It's changed how I am with employees, friends, meanies, and the world.  The 1st part is a weekend, and it was hard, but I would not be where I am today without that weekend.

I mean you can look in the mirror can call yourself a rock star every day, but it doesn't address the actual issues.  Good luck on your journey to learning to love yourself, and "finding a bigger problem."

My friend did the precursor to Landmark.  Another friend did Landmark.  I see real downsides and harmful stuff and I've also heard good stuff.  I'd tread carefully with it.  

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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My friend did the precursor to Landmark.  Another friend did Landmark.  I see real downsides and harmful stuff and I've also heard good stuff.  I'd tread carefully with it.  

I did all 3 programs over 3 years, 12 years ago.  The 1st is super intense, but you are peeling away bull*** and pain.  But the other 2 are no where near dramatic. The 3rd part was all planning for something like a new company or event or project.  I through an event for 200 people, and created a non-profit.  It was awesome.

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Just now, tattoobunnie said:

I did all 3 programs over 3 years.  The 1st is super intense, but you are peeling away bull*** and pain.  But the other 2 are no where near dramatic. The 3rd part was all planning for something like a new company or event or project.  I through an event for 200 people, and created a non-profit.  It was awesome.

So glad it worked for you!

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49 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

The Landmark Foundation...The 1st part is a weekend, and it was hard, but I would not be where I am today without that weekend.

I took the Forum, the Advanced Forum, and the Leadership Series.  The first one was definitely a game-changer and I would recommend it.  Afterward it just seems like they've got their hooks in you and keep coming up with ways to spend your money.  I still use some of the principles from the Forum.

With Self:

In other arenas, exercise builds strength and stamina and releases feelgood endorpins.  Eat well.  Pamper yourself.  I love to set aside evenings sometimes to condition my hair, take a bubble bath, oil rubdown, etc.  Hair and face masks from the beauty supply are a dollar or two.  Give yourself a mani-pedi.  Taking good care of your body enhances your confidence.

Reading, even just for pleasure, gives both education and conversational material.  You could explore one subject in-depth and become an expert at it.

Internet - look for videos on high value women.  They demo a lot of the practices of women with good self esteem.

Try something new you haven't before, like yoga, dance, painting, building or restoring an old piece of furniture.  Focus on you and what YOU like, don't worry about dating for a minute.

With Others:

Meetups, clubs, and organizations for things that interest you.  Volunteer work.  The more you get out in the world and listen to others, the more appreciation you have for the wide range of experiences.  The more you listen, the more you learn.  The more you learn, the more choices you have and you start to notice yourself tuning in more to some things than others.  You might become passionate about something you had never previously considered - and a passionate pursuit is always a good way to meet others who share your interest.

When you're feeling more concerned with whether YOU like HIM, rather than whether HE likes YOU, you'll be right ready to date again!  🙂  Best of luck my dear.

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Be your own person.  This is what I do.  I enjoy pampering myself, too.  It's wonderful to be with others but make sure you do what you enjoy by yourself as well. 

Back in the day,  I focused on myself and my own economic success.  I never had to pursue men.  They approached me without me having to try so hard.  I had that draw.  Same with friends.  People are attracted to independent people.  Get busy and you'll turn heads. 

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