Dumb Thing Happened That Reminded Me of Old Baggage

[spinstermanquee]

Alright so just built this house and husband decided to use downstairs bathroom.  Unfortunately he plugged it up.  When I NOT blamingly discovered it... "oops looks like the loo isn't flushing properly, omg" he:

1) Asserted it wasn't him that used the loo to do #2 (we were the only two people in the building)

2) Blamed it on the "cheap toilet" I selected for the new construction

3) Did not apologize (and at first, did not offer to fix until after I jokingly told him he broke my new toy)

I used "I" statements, never raised my voice, and he did not respond in kind.  He told me I was "building a big story."  This started me thinking about all the stuff I've learned over the past years here (and in therapy).

Kinda just wanted him to go back to our other house and be away from the new one after that.  I was fine with clearing the clog myself, I don't care that he did it, it's actually kind of comical and good fodder for humor and teasing.  But COAC, it kind of triggered me for the lack of accountability in other areas of our relationship.  Why can't a person apologize and rectify an issue they caused without having a trial or tribunal?  It makes things bigger (and last longer) than they merit.

Here's a similar.  Years ago, I was playing with our dog by throwing rocks which he chased in the yard.  I threw one rock that dented my husband's car.  I immediately stopped playing and went inside to report the damage to husband and ask how to make it right.  On Monday I made arrangements for a repair on the vehicle.

So eNotalone peeps please offer up your opinions, please be kind.  Maybe I don't have same kind of probs as others but hey, don't judge!

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

 Why can't a person apologize and rectify an issue they caused without having a trial or tribunal?  It makes things bigger (and last longer) than they merit.

Sorry this happened. Basically a power struggle.  Who does the dirty work, who's the boss whose fault,etc.? Type of thing. 

Don't worry about apologies.  Worry about people making things right with actions.

He should have just gotten the plunger and moved on without who did it, who fixes it, etc. 

It may have reminded you of similar power struggles.  Is he often an "always right" type of guy? It's sort of petty for him to argue about clogging and plunging toilets, no?

[spinstermanquee]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

reminded you of similar power struggles.  Is he often an "always right" type of guy? It's sort of petty for him to argue about clogging and plunging toilets, no?

Yah I guess so.  He is so good about maintenance stuff, but he is always lofty about quality choices and if he didn't do the work, it must be no good 😉

[Kwothe28]

53 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

Why can't a person apologize and rectify an issue they caused without having a trial or tribunal?  It makes things bigger (and last longer) than they merit.

I think in a lot of cases it depends on how some people are raised. For example person might learn through life that admission of guilt is a sign of weakness. So they never do it so they wont appear weak. Or they just wont admit they are wrong because they just dont believe they are. Even when the situation is pretty clear. In that cases person is more likely to blame others then take accountability of their actions. 

I dont know your husband. But he seems like somebody not that big on accountability. So his reaction to "the toilet case" is generally expected if he is like that. You shouldnt expect some change there if he is like that.

[Big Stan]

That seems strange to me but I'm not sure if it is because of my construction background or not.  It would be stupid of me to not admit to clogging a toilet but it would also have been stupid for me not to pick out the toilets in the first place.  

[Starlight925]

I'm not sure the answer, as this would really piss me off.

You shouldn't have to dance around on eggshells, worrying what type of "I" statements to use.

He freaking plugged up the toilet.  Correct, adult response?  "Honey, I plugged up the toilet.  Don't use that one till I get it taken care of".  You:  "OK, thanks, the plunger is in the downstairs closet".

Period.

He's acting like a 2 year-old, and you're being painted into this corner of trying to not get the 2 year-old to pitch a fit.

I used to date a guy who routinely plugged up my toilets (ha ha, funny not funny).  No matter how many times I told him to flush "during".....anyway, he knew where my plunger was, and he'd simply yell downstairs for me to "avoid the area", lol, while he fixed it.

The fact that your husband won't even admit it, despite him being the only one in the house who used it?  Absurd.

I'm sorry, but I have nothing for you other than sympathy, as if this is indicative of how he handles things, then you have a bigger problem on your hands.

[Seraphim]

Eh, I would leave it. I am not someone else’s poop checker or fixer. 

[Big Stan]

Also make sure you get a toilet that has a 3" flush valve.  Kohler Cimmeron or equivalent.  Those are really hard to clog.  American Standard has a decent one too, so does Mansfield.  For those really hard to flush people, mainly people who are on medication that makes their BMs much harder or larger, you can get a pressure assist toilet if it's a recurring issue. 

[mylolita]

On 5/29/2023 at 11:25 PM, Big Stan said:

Also make sure you get a toilet that has a 3" flush valve.  Kohler Cimmeron or equivalent.  Those are really hard to clog.  American Standard has a decent one too, so does Mansfield.  For those really hard to flush people, mainly people who are on medication that makes their BMs much harder or larger, you can get a pressure assist toilet if it's a recurring issue. 

Oh good Lord 🤣

 

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