Re-Evaluating My Priorities

[indea08]

Ever seen Couples Retreat? I feel like I am Ronnie. I feel like I’m making it through my life okay. I’m 32, married for almost 9 years, two daughters ages 9 and 3. We own our home, we try to take a vacation every year.

But the day to day has me feeling so bored with my life. I feel like I am “Mom” and “Wife” and “Employee” and that’s it. After work, it’s dinner and tv until bed and I can’t stand it anymore.

My husband works outside all day so when he gets home, he wants to play video games. I work at a desk all day so I want to be outside. When he’s had a busy week, he looks forward to golfing on the weekends. In our 9 years, he’s invited me along once. I carry major resentment because of that.

I do have my own hobbies. I love to kayak, and go hiking, camping, fishing, singing and dancing. But I feel like if I start dedicating more time to my hobbies, there will be even less connection between us. It would be nice to partake in my hobbies together occasionally, but it always feels like he’s reluctantly going along with what I want and it’s just not fun. I’d rather not go, or go alone. I’d love to go as a family too, the girls enjoy it, but it’s a lot for me to take them both by myself, and like I said, I don’t want his lack of enthusiasm to bring us all down. I feel like if I start engaging more in my hobbies alone, it will just drive us further apart.

I don’t feel like he’s excited to hang out with me. I don’t feel like any of the time we’re together is good quality time. It’s “I have nothing left and I just want to vegetate on the couch” time. It’s affecting my love level. I’m starting to feel angry. 

The company I work for (I’m an RN) has been bought by another company, so there’s going to be a huge amount of changes coming. I just went through this same thing not even a year ago and it was very difficult. It was a major contributor to my depression last year, and affected the whole family. I’be wanted to leave nursing for as long as I’ve been in it and after almost a decade, I’m finally starting to be honest about what I want from my career. Which is leading me to question other areas of my life that I’m not satisfied with. 

I have to tell him I’m not happy, and my needs aren’t being met. Historically, he does not receive my feelings well despite how approach the discussion. “I feel…”, “It’s frustrating when…”, “I need…”. The longer I wait to speak my mind, the more anger and resentment I feel. 

Still on the wait list for therapy.

Share your similar experiences? Say you’ve been there? Say I’m not being selfish? 😔 

 

Happy Mother’s Day to all of the mother’s here. I truly believe there is no job more important or more difficult than motherhood.

[Cherylyn]

Are you faith based?  Would joining your local church be an option?  There are a lot of couples type activities such as serving together,  various ministries / ministry groups,  groups (for example:  Bible study groups),  praying together,  events,  occasions,  etc. 

How about a marriage counselor?  Would this be possible?  I hope so.

How about date nights on the town?  Dinner and a movie?  Picnics at a park? 

Instead of waiting to be invited to play golf,  join him.  If he's with a group of golfing friends,  join them and hopefully their wives belong to this group so all of you can socialize together.  Sometimes instead of being just a couple,  it's nice to be a couple amongst other couples so it's less boring and more jolly. 

Happy Mother's Day to all and you, too.  I'm a mother of two sons.  I agree,  there is no job more important or difficult than motherhood.  Being employed is easier because I'm autonomous,  have adult conversations with my colleagues,  I get to eat when I want,  come and go as I please,  be in a car by myself and it's far easier than tending to other younger human beings any day!  ❤️ 

[Andrina]

Obviously there's an unhealthy balance going on here. Nothing wrong with having a hobby you do without a spouse, but there also needs to be quality time doing some things together.

Some things you could try? Ask him what he thinks a fun hobby/activity the both of you could do together at least once a month. See if he can come up with something you would like, too. If it's his idea, perhaps he won't be a wet towel.

Do you have family to babysit for at least a once a month date, or can you pay a babysitter or trade babysitting hours with a friend? You could tell him you'll take turns planning dates, so he has to make half the effort.

I'd also ask for one night a week, at least to start with, that is electronics free where there's no tv or video games. You can instead cook as a family, trying new recipes, and teach your older one to cook and bake. You could have a picnic on the floor in the living room to get out of the same routine, or actually go to a local park and eat there.

If he's handing all the childcare duties to you, you can also have him be responsible for caring for them while you do an occasional girls' night or go to a paint and sip class or whatever.

Children also like alone time with a parent, so you could each switch up special days where you take one child to do something on a weekend day and he can do something special with the other child. Then, the next weekend, you can swap.

As another poster said, you could double date with another couple, or even host poker parties and serve nachos, or just host a meal. Maybe get one of those murder mystery games where each person is assigned a role.

Of course, as you said, communication is key. If he doesn't care that you're feeling a lack of emotional communication and he can't seem to enjoy your company and doesn't care that you're unhappy, then you can at least say you tried. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Batya33]

Happy mothers day and every day I hope in your future. Can you bring your girls and a mothers helper to keep them occupied during your time with your hobby ?
 I love how many interests you have. my husband and I like to watch certain shows together and sometimes we do family walks but also when he is not working- he works a lot and travels a lot - he is with our son a lot. He does some fantasy baseball online (not for money !) and he likes to watch baseball and text with his cousin during it and if a friend comes to town or a family member sometimes he’ll see them but neither of us right now devote a lot of time to hobbies. Too busy. 
difference is I became a mom at 42. I had a really fun and active social life and nigjt life in a major city for around 25 years and a very intense “dream career” for 15. I desperately wanted to be a full time mom and I was for 7 years. My sense is you didn’t desperately want to be a SAHM but did so maybe for practical reasons (or maybe you did go back to outside work soon after ?  Sorry if I misread )

I’ve never felt like just a mom or just an employee etc. I like my so called boring life. But maybe because I had my fill of what most think of exciting before marriage and kids. This to me is like winning the lottery. And I do work now. But not all the time for sure. Just grateful and thankful. 
please see if your husband is amenable to shaking things up a bit. I’m really sorry you’re so frustrated and unhappy !!

[Lambert]

I don't think you are being selfish.  I have been there. 

As you said, my needs were not being met.  There was no excitement or interest in seeing me, spending time together as a couple, the romance was dead, I tried to talk to him and express how I felt.  He had no communication skills or emotional intelligence.  His go to emotion was anger & blame, followed by silent treatment.

I had a long talk with him.  He cried, which I really thought was fake. He blamed a lot of things like depression and his mother.  But he would not commit to change or to trying to change.  I left.  It was heart breaking and disappointing, but I moved on to a happier, healthier me. 

Many people manage to co-parent and everyone is much happier.  The kids know what's happening with mom and dad.  And there's no reason to stay in an unhappy union.  Especially, when you are in it alone. 

I think the writing is on the wall and it's just a matter of time.  When it's time to change, the universe will continue to make you increasingly unhappy until you make a move.  So the question is-- what do you want to happen?  Get that straight for yourself.  That's the first step.

[Starlight925]

You are not being selfish!

You are expressing your feelings here, which is Step 1.

Can I ask why you need to be on a wait list for a therapist?  Is there a virtual/Zoom method for you to see one?  It might even be worth paying out of pocket for a few sessions.

Your husband, as you've said, doesn't seem to respond to the "how I feel" statements.  He probably just wants it straight:  "I'm unhappy because X".    Don't give him A, B, C, Y, and Z.  Give him one or two things, and then just let him think about it and come back to you.

Your marriage can't go on in this current state, but it doesn't mean an ending.  It means that you've identified something you don't like, which is fair, so you need to at first, re-direct.

I have one friend who, when her kids were 4 & 5, had dreams of escape.  Anything.  Pack up and move in the middle of the night.  She & her husband just attended the then-5 year old's college graduation, married now 20+ years.

Another friend just didn't love her baby.  At all.  She fed, cleaned, bathed, but just didn't bond.  Wanted to leave him, and her marriage, where she was completely bored.  They are now the happiest little family, years later, and she's so in love with all of it, it's adorable to watch.

My point is, this doesn't signal the end.  This signals a change, and a good therapist can help you navigate it.  If it means the end, then the therapist can help you navigate that too.

 

[itsallgrand]

I love Couples Retreat. It's one of my veg on the couch after a long week go tos ironically lol. 

Question...how much time as a couple did you two have prior to your first daughter? Were you a couple that did lots together? Strong connection? Friendship?