Dr. Lady check in…

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

I am already doing those things, bolt… I just had a fantastic session playing my guitar in preparation for tomorrow’s performance… Hugely gratifying.

I just sent a girl I think I could really like a nice photo, with a really cheesy sentiment that I hope she liked.

I went for a walk with my neighbor and the dogs, and told her some of the things that have been happening, and that I’ve been writing, and she thinks a lot like I do, so I am feeling quite supported in that regard.

do you want me to get into the nitty-gritty?  I am anxious because I am worried that maybe I won’t be attracted to her when I see her on Monday… And I may start to feel avoidant.  Like I did when we first got together on Saturday.

it only lasted a couple of minutes, and I can’t always believe my state of attraction, because it’s been a problem my whole life. I think it’s been related to a bit of sexual abuse that happened when I was a teenager, by a girl I liked who didn’t know any better.  

if I can go even further, I am afraid that if I get together with her, and things get physical, that I’m not going to be able to perform. And be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a girl that I might actually really like.

i’ve had problems in that area with every relationship in my life. Thankfully, most of my partners have been somewhat accommodating. I can’t possibly know if she would be. What if she doesn’t even like physical intimacy? Meaning sex? That would suck. Is that not enough to be a little anxious about?

would all that give you enough to feel anxious about?

hopefully you can empathize with all of that… 🙂

I can't relate because I wouldn't be putting that kind of pressure on myself. I've reached the point where we either like each other or we don't. And if we don't, welp, life goes on.

And yes, I've had my heart broken by boys and men I was truly besotted with. Most recently a guy I swore was "the love of my life who I'll love FOREVER!!!!!!" Well, I recovered. And funnily enough, I don't love him anymore even though forever isn't over yet. 

Also, I don't have men swarming over me. I haven't had anything remotely resembling a date since 2015. Yes, you read that right. But hey, I like myself and I love my family and friends so it's fine. 

I would just like for you to be fine too. Even though you're literally words on a screen, I realize there's an actual human behind those words. 

[Whirling D]

56 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I can't relate because I wouldn't be putting that kind of pressure on myself. I've reached the point where we either like each other or we don't. And if we don't, welp, life goes on.

And yes, I've had my heart broken by boys and men I was truly besotted with. Most recently a guy I swore was "the love of my life who I'll love FOREVER!!!!!!" Well, I recovered. And funnily enough, I don't love him anymore even though forever isn't over yet. 

Also, I don't have men swarming over me. I haven't had anything remotely resembling a date since 2015. Yes, you read that right. But hey, I like myself and I love my family and friends so it's fine. 

I would just like for you to be fine too. Even though you're literally words on a screen, I realize there's an actual human behind those words. 

Thank you, bolt, I completely agree… We are both just literally words on a screen, but you are a human being who is writing these words, and so am I, so they have meeting in value. I appreciate that, and I have always valued hearing from you…

out of curiosity, I’m kind of interested in turning this around a bit, and asking you why you haven’t had a date since 2015?

that seems pretty sad to me… You are clearly such a caring and thoughtful person, and I would hope you would be doing whatever you can to put yourself in a position to find what you want.

but even with the doctor lady, she said she went a few years in between relationships and was quite happy not having to deal with the “drama“ of having a man around. I find that a bit troubling, because it makes me wonder… Does she not really care that much that she doesn’t have a man in her life? I’ve never not wanted a partner. I’ve never not wanted to be sexual. I’ve never wanted to wake up alone day after day after day. I can manage once in a while, but ultimately, it feels like we are put on this earth to be with people.

as you know, I have dated two different women… And the first of those two, I could kind of sense that we came from two different worlds, but we had a couple of things that just really worked well… We were both musical, and we started playing music together, which to me, by itself, made me almost want to commit myself to her… And the other was sexual. We both opened up each other’s worlds and rocked them, quite literally. I had never had that before with anyone. Ever.  

but it turns out that neither one of those was meant to be. Who knows if the doctor lady will be, but so far, she seems way closer than any of those other ladies, including the musical one. Although, I still think back about the musical lady with a hole in my heart a bit. But I’m over it.  
 

I don’t know what she’s doing these days, since I haven’t spoken to her since the day that we “broke up“.  I haven’t spoken to the most recent lady, either, who I really enjoyed… And today is her 45th birthday. I may write to her later today and apologize for my part in it, and wish her well. I think someday we will be able to be friends, since it was a pretty natural fit in the friendship department… Wasn’t the best fit in the romance department, but it certainly wasn’t the worst fit. I do miss her.

do you have family around you? That would be hugely important. I don’t, which means I don’t really feel like I have many people, if anyone, to talk about a lot of the stuff with, particularly the darker stuff, like sexual dysfunction… Fear of abandonment…

The only one I can really talk to is my therapist, and although she’s quite good, she pretty much thanks that most of what I grapple with as far within the range of acceptable, and I should trust my gut, as you’ve heard me say many times.

The only one I can really talk to is my therapist, and although she’s quite good, she pretty much thinks that most of what I grapple with his far within the range of acceptable, and I should trust my gut, as you’ve heard me say many times.

I have had people on here, I don’t know if it was you perhaps, that said that people often don’t tell their whole truth to their therapist. Well, I definitely do… But it has been just recently that I started talking about my sexual issues…

I had a therapist just before my latest one for just three sessions, and I began to open up to her pretty quickly, and she pretty much put her hands up when I saw her on the third session and told me that much of what I was telling her was way above her skill set, and she told me she couldn’t treat me any longer. I was heartbroken, and felt a bit rejected. 

she gave me the name of a therapist that had a background with sexual deviance, which is how she labeled it… I had never thought of it that way, but so be it… That therapist was booked solid, since it was right at the beginning of Covid, and I never did connect with her. 
 

I have thought a bit about trying to contact that therapist, but to tell you the truth, once I get going in a relationship, like I did with the music lady, the sexual dysfunction part of it started to settle down a bit, and I was able to consistently be present for my partner, with a little bit of nurturing.

I was doing fairly well for about the last six months of my marriage, as well, but my ex-wife really wasn’t that interested in a physical relationship… She would engage, but you could tell it was more for my benefit, and zero for hers, other than she knew she was trying to keep her partner happy. That felt kind of empty to me. It was kind of sad, though, because I felt like I was starting to really hit a stride with her, and with my own difficulties, but that wasn’t to be, either. 

anyway… Some of these things probably play way more of a role in my anxiety then a lot of other things likely do. So you’re getting the down and dirty now.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Whirling D said:

why you haven’t had a date since 2015?

that seems pretty sad to me

That's one of the major differences between you and me.  I don't feel "sad" without a man I can call  "boyfriend".  I'm a happy person.  Maybe because I nearly died (three times!) and was saved by medical science each time, or maybe because I'm grateful that a woman whose female anatomy is all kinds of backwards and upside down was still able to give birth, or because even when I don't see them I feel the love from my family and friends, or because even with all my health issues I'm still alive.  I feel grateful for life.  And that's why it was so abhorrent to me that I should cower in my apartment, fearful and anxious.  That's a big time "NOPE" for me.  I got on it and dealt with it.  No, it didn't happen instantly.  It took nearly two full years before I even began to feel safe enough to venture out alone again to restaurants and events and shops.  Things I used to love.  I've traveled alone multiple times and loved it.  Why should I do without those things just because there's no man around?  And why shouldn't I enjoy them?  And why should I let fear and anxiety stop me?

I appreciate the kind words.  But I do have what I want.  I'm alive, I have a terrific job, I live in a beautiful neighborhood in a city teeming with activities and events, I have healthy kids, I have my brother and his kids and my cousins in my life (even though I don't see most of them more than once a year).  Honestly, if I met a man I feel like I could afford to be extremely picky and discard anyone who doesn't fit with my life.

I've dated some real clunkers, BTW.  That's why I initially held off on dating.  I didn't trust myself to make good choices.  But now I feel strong enough that I don't need to settle for anyone with a penis (sorry if too graphic).

And that's why it's hard for me to read about someone who has struggled in the past but is on the verge of having something really wonderful, yet has so many fears.  Most of which turn out to be unfounded (remember you thought your doctor lady friend wouldn't even respond to your original message asking to meet?)  You say these fears don't consume you, then turn around and admit you do think about them pretty constantly.  You've come up with so many things to worry about that it seems you're not even happy.  And that's a shame.

Let me ask you this...if someone told you three months ago that you would meet and be dating a nice lady doctor, how do you think you would have reacted?  With disbelief?  And would you have thought you would be happy?  Or anxious, fearful and full of worry?

[Batya33]

I have a friend who is 61. Was married for about 20 years.  Divorced. Then she had a 7 year relationship with a man she met through a dating site I recommended.  She’d never used one. That relationship ended in about 2015.  She then did a bit of dabbling in dating sites but ultimately decided nope not interested.

 Doesn’t miss having sex. Loves her own company plus works a lot and her kids were starting to get married. She became a grandma a year or so later and moved closer to 2 of her kids.  

She also does karaoke and other musical activities etc. she has no interest in dating. She is very pretty and fit and slim. So it’s not that. She simply is happy with what she does now. 

[boltnrun]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Doesn’t miss having sex.

I do.  Big time.  Sex is very, very important to me.  That's been the worst part of not dating, not having my twice a day, every day "fun time".  Sure, I could find some rando to have a hookup with, but gross.  I have made use of a couple of exes and a former FWB but I stopped that because those guys annoyed me lol.

I do feel ready to dabble in dating again.  In fact, there a man I went to high school with a zillion years ago.  He too is divorced and lives in a beautiful village in the mountains.  That might be the perfect setup for both of us.  I'm going with my brother to visit his parents soon and maybe see if he'll be there.  He's a great guy.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

I do.  Big time.  Sex is very, very important to me.  That's been the worst part of not dating, not having my twice a day, every day "fun time".  Sure, I could find some rando to have a hookup with, but gross.  I have made use of a couple of exes and a former FWB but I stopped that because those guys annoyed me lol.

I do feel ready to dabble in dating again.  In fact, there a man I went to high school with a zillion years ago.  He too is divorced and lives in a beautiful village in the mountains.  That might be the perfect setup for both of us.  I'm going with my brother to visit his parents soon and maybe see if he'll be there.  He's a great guy.

My friend believes she is now asexual. 

[Type O Negative]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

That's one of the major differences between you and me.  I don't feel "sad" without a man I can call  "boyfriend".  I'm a happy person.  Maybe because I nearly died (three times!) and was saved by medical science each time, or maybe because I'm grateful that a woman whose female anatomy is all kinds of backwards and upside down was still able to give birth, or because even when I don't see them I feel the love from my family and friends, or because even with all my health issues I'm still alive.  I feel grateful for life.  And that's why it was so abhorrent to me that I should cower in my apartment, fearful and anxious.  That's a big time "NOPE" for me.  I got on it and dealt with it.  No, it didn't happen instantly.  It took nearly two full years before I even began to feel safe enough to venture out alone again to restaurants and events and shops.  Things I used to love.  I've traveled alone multiple times and loved it.  Why should I do without those things just because there's no man around?  And why shouldn't I enjoy them?  And why should I let fear and anxiety stop me?

I appreciate the kind words.  But I do have what I want.  I'm alive, I have a terrific job, I live in a beautiful neighborhood in a city teeming with activities and events, I have healthy kids, I have my brother and his kids and my cousins in my life (even though I don't see most of them more than once a year).  Honestly, if I met a man I feel like I could afford to be extremely picky and discard anyone who doesn't fit with my life.

I've dated some real clunkers, BTW.  That's why I initially held off on dating.  I didn't trust myself to make good choices.  But now I feel strong enough that I don't need to settle for anyone with a penis (sorry if too graphic).

And that's why it's hard for me to read about someone who has struggled in the past but is on the verge of having something really wonderful, yet has so many fears.  Most of which turn out to be unfounded (remember you thought your doctor lady friend wouldn't even respond to your original message asking to meet?)  You say these fears don't consume you, then turn around and admit you do think about them pretty constantly.  You've come up with so many things to worry about that it seems you're not even happy.  And that's a shame.

Let me ask you this...if someone told you three months ago that you would meet and be dating a nice lady doctor, how do you think you would have reacted?  With disbelief?  And would you have thought you would be happy?  Or anxious, fearful and full of worry?

..nevermind.

[Whirling D]

I wonder if the hole that I feel as a result of not being partnered comes from how I spent my youth.

when I was a kid, we lived on really tiny Air Force bases, where there may have been 25 kids within 10 years of us. At best. Everybody knew everybody. And I had a small gang that I hung out with almost always. It was good fun. We were out and hanging, almost every. Single. Night. And day.

then, Pretty much right at my 18th birthday, we were transferred down to the states, in a residential suburb of a major city. I pretty much felt like I was dropped out of a helicopter with almost nothing but the clothes I was wearing.

it was a foreign land. People were openly hostile. We knew nobody in the neighborhood, and nobody cared. That was so foreign from how I grew up. Everybody knew everybody.  It’s not like we were all best friends, but there was somewhat of a kinship and a feeling of extended family, albeit in a somewhat dysfunctional way.

I went years when I got here feeling like a complete outsider, with virtually no friends, barely acquaintances, and scoffed that pretty much everywhere I went.  No girls. Only one date that I can remember, and she was a painfully quiet girl a couple of years younger than I was, when I was about 19. I didn’t think she liked me, because she said almost nothing the whole night… Years later, I bumped into her, and she was telling me that she thought I would call her again, which I never did. It just didn’t seem like a good fit.  I digress.

Ian every. Single. Job I ever had, and then every. Single. Band I was ever in, I felt like a complete outsider and a complete oddball. And it wasn’t just created internally, I was getting feedback from people in my environment, regularly, that I was either weird, or not very smart, or whatever you wanna call it. Regularly. 

so, it’s not really all that big of a stretch to see how I would be fairly anxious about all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, this local girl seems to really like me. That’s just such a foreign concept for me, especially with a lady like this, that has one of the most respected careers anywhere, could be in any social class she likely wants, and could probably afford to live pretty much anywhere that she wants… But she seems to be choosing me. That comes with a lot of pressure for me.

don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m pouting around the house all day, not doing anything, and doing nothing but feeling miserable for myself.  I do that mostly while I’m writing on here. And it’s stream of consciousness…

most of the rest of the time, and this is mostly speaking to blue… I am out bouncing around a bit… Going to a favorite coffee shop in the morning, and trying to chat with anybody who will chat… Being fairly brave about it, really. I go get ice cream by myself to the local outside ice cream place… I’ve gone up to the town at the doctor lady and I first met at, I just walked around up there and enjoyed myself. It’s not like I’m completely isolated by myself, and it certainly not that I hate doing things by myself.

 I’ve gone up to the town that the doctor lady and I first met at, and just walked around up there and enjoyed myself. It’s not like I’m completely isolated by myself, and it’s certainly not that I hate doing things by myself. 

it has gotten harder to do that as I have gotten older. It’s harder to pull myself out to do day trips by myself, etc.… Although I still drive to 12 hours to go up and see my family in Canada by myself once or twice a year, and I just love it.

I do OK by myself, and I also wonder if it’s going to be hard to give that up. I also wonder if it’s gonna be hard for the doctor lady to give that up, given what she said to me about enjoying being by herself that time.

it’s very strange for me to be encountering this situation with the doctor lady. I looked at her when I last saw her and just said “does it feel really strange to you that just a little while ago, you and I didn’t even know each other, and now, here we are practically unable to keep our hands off of each other? I do find that very strange, and it’s also a long way down from that, should this eventually crash.

i’m terrified that I will fall really hard for this lady, and for good reason… She’s awesome. Not perfect, but may be perfect for me? And then if things start to roll, and then she backs out and maybe breaks up? Hard to imagine how I would pull myself up from that. That could be really really hard. Perhaps devastating. 

so… That’s why I’m so anxious this time around.

 

[Whirling D]

Also, we texted back-and-forth a few times since I was last on here… Very brief, but she has sent me a couple of pictures that were quite nice. She’s at a wedding, as you know, and it seems like it’s going on right now. The reception.

first, she sent me a picture of her family, seemingly outside for photos… And her family looked lovely.  She was breathtaking. I took one look at her in this photo and almost lost my breath. Kind of in my usual silly way, I said “who is that absolutely stunning lady to the right of center? :-)“

it almost feels like I’m overdoing it. I just watched a video where they called guys that are constantly trying to please their partners simps.  In the video, they said girls get tired of simps really quickly. It’s good to complement, but you don’t want it to become almost clichéd. I’m almost feeling a bit clichéd. It seems like every time she sends me a picture, I end up gushing with a complement.  
 

I know, it’s still very early, and it’s probably not a bad thing to complement a lady you’re dating (and it seems really clear we are dating, if not a couple, although painfully young), if you really feel it and are being honest about it. And I was. I took one look at that picture, and literally felt butterflies. Big time.

I go over and over in my head trying to figure out what this girl sees in me, and how it’s not going to come crashing down when reality sets and that I’m just kind of a thug…. What can I possibly offer this girl? I guess I just don’t get that. She could probably do and have anything she wants.  I guess maybe I do kind of get it… Her and I speak a similar language, I think, and maybe that will be what makes a situation like this work.

I certainly hope so… But it’s so nerve-racking to not know where this is going to go.

[boltnrun]

To quote Prince (the amazingly talented Prince ❤️ ) "all I can do is offer you my love" (Diamonds and Pearls).

Sometimes, all we want is to be loved and respected. We can figure the rest out with teamwork. 

BTW, most of the time when people send pics they're hoping for compliments. 

[Whirling D]

23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

To quote Prince (the amazingly talented Prince ❤️ ) "all I can do is offer you my love" (Diamonds and Pearls).

Sometimes, all we want is to be loved and respected. We can figure the rest out with teamwork. 

BTW, most of the time when people send pics they're hoping for compliments. 

Thank you, bolt. Very thoughtful post, and much appreciated.

I suppose that’s true, especially when you’re sending photos to whom is presumably a “new love“. It’s just so weird to think of her that way. She really is a new love. Or am I stupid to be even thinking that way?  

evidence: her comments about us being two oddballs in a pod.  Her talking about us kind of being destined to meet… Me saying to her that we should just take one step at a time… Her sending me the picture today of the two kitty cats and one with their arm around the other, and that one was me… her telling me that she really likes when I complement her, and sent her pictures, and that my amount of caressing her and kissing her was, “just right“.  The other day her texting me regarding a meme… “You are real, aren’t you?“ Indicating that she seems to put me almost kind of in a fantasy role, which I don’t actually hate being… For now.  Her telling me last night that she missed me… Wow. Did that throw me for a loop.

but it still feels like a big fantasy to me, and one that could come crashing down at any moment. Hence the occasional but painful anxiety.

but for now I can enjoy this potential illusion that this girl actually likes me… 🙂 For now.

[Whirling D]

I just can’t seem to get out of my own way… Kind of. This rant isn’t urgent, but I need to complain a bit.

I have spent most of the day feeling gentle and at ease with where things are at with the dr. lady. As you know, I was hugely dysregulated last night, and maybe a tiny bit this morning, but for the most part, my day has been quite good.

so, the last we corresponded was around dinner time, when she sent me a photo of the bride and groom dancing. I responded, “handsome couple there, eh?” To which she replied, “yes, starry eyed…🤩🤩” 

I probably should’ve said something a little fresh and said “sounds like me right about now… 😍”, but I refrained and thought I would do a less is more approach.  That’s what you guys all say.  Too much of a good thing might overdo things.  So I just said really nothingness and let it go.

I figured, like every other night for about the last two weeks, we would have some sort of closure for the day by saying good night. But it started to get later, and I hadn’t heard from her… No problem… She’s had a busy day and she’s with family. In a hotel room at night, if I remember correctly.

then it starts getting quite late, and I haven’t heard from her… So I sent her a simple but nice .gif, and tell her I hope she had a nice day.  No response, and it’s now midnight.

and I’m back to being a little anxious, and disappointed. It’s worthless emotion being spent, and it’s not the end of the world, but it’s disappointing to me and a bit heartbreaking. Why? Because my puny little soul would never make the decision to not say good night to someone that I supposedly really care about, that has been pretty consistent with saying good night and reaching out over the last two weeks. It almost seems impolite to blow me off like that tonight. 

I know a lot of you told me I have to get over myself when I was upset about this before, but I’m starting to get a feeling that there’s loose ends with this lady. I don’t think I would ever do that… Not say good night to somebody I really cared about, particularly when that person has been really good at making sure that they thought of me each night for the last while, and I have encouraged it strongly.  I don’t think it’s good karma on her part. Can’t imagine what went into it. 

I don’t know how to deal with it. I know it’s not the end of the world, but it’s also something that I feel I kind of want to bring up. There’s part of me that wants to say… “ dr. lady, I’d like to ask that if we are texting constantly like this, please let me know when you are going to disappear, so that I won’t be waiting to hear back from you… Or perhaps even just send a good night text, so I know you’ve retired for the night and I won’t be wondering what may have happened, because I worry about stuff like that“.

I suspect my therapist, and most of the resources, would say that’s a perfectly reasonable and proactive thing to say to someone. But the doctor lady and I may not be at that place yet. It’s still hugely tentative. I really don’t know where it’s going or what is happening, and these little holes that keep coming up don’t make it any easier for me to feel consistent and stable. 

I guess there is a possibility that she may feel that I have been avoidant this weekend… it could be clear to her that I didn’t offer to call her, and I’ve waited for her before I text her, which means she has always been taking the lead. That’s what you guys pretty much suggested, and it seemed to be working yesterday when she said she missed me, and texted that out of the blue… But there is a chance that she’s kind of scratching her head a bit that I had been taking a lead quite strongly, up until she went away on vacation. Maybe she’s struggling a little bit with that. 

I can only speculate as to why this lady would not text to say good night, considering that we have had a good night call/text pretty much every night since I first got together with her. It bothers me. I feel a little hurt by it.

I know you guys have told me to simmer down many times, and you may say this again… But I think it’s unfair for her, or and any outsiders… To feel that just because it’s only been two weeks, and it’s only that she didn’t say good night, that I shouldn’t be disappointed by that. 
 

do I really have nothing to be concerned about here? Am I making a big deal over very little? Does anybody understand why I may be disappointed by this?
 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Whirling D said:

 the last we corresponded was around dinner time, when she sent me a photo of the bride and groom dancing. 

That's great. If she's at a wedding reception, she's not going to check her phone continuously and indulge bantering, being rude to those around. That's pretty normal. Relax and let her enjoy a fun time with her friends and family at the wedding reception. She'll reach out when she has some free time, as expected when someone is away on a trip and attending a wedding. Perfectly ok. 

[Type O Negative]

2 hours ago, Whirling D said:

I just can’t seem to get out of my own way… Kind of. This rant isn’t urgent, but I need to complain a bit.

I have spent most of the day feeling gentle and at ease with where things are at with the dr. lady. As you know, I was hugely dysregulated last night, and maybe a tiny bit this morning, but for the most part, my day has been quite good.

so, the last we corresponded was around dinner time, when she sent me a photo of the bride and groom dancing. I responded, “handsome couple there, eh?” To which she replied, “yes, starry eyed…🤩🤩” 

I probably should’ve said something a little fresh and said “sounds like me right about now… 😍”, but I refrained and thought I would do a less is more approach.  That’s what you guys all say.  Too much of a good thing might overdo things.  So I just said really nothingness and let it go.

I figured, like every other night for about the last two weeks, we would have some sort of closure for the day by saying good night. But it started to get later, and I hadn’t heard from her… No problem… She’s had a busy day and she’s with family. In a hotel room at night, if I remember correctly.

then it starts getting quite late, and I haven’t heard from her… So I sent her a simple but nice .gif, and tell her I hope she had a nice day.  No response, and it’s now midnight.

and I’m back to being a little anxious, and disappointed. It’s worthless emotion being spent, and it’s not the end of the world, but it’s disappointing to me and a bit heartbreaking. Why? Because my puny little soul would never make the decision to not say good night to someone that I supposedly really care about, that has been pretty consistent with saying good night and reaching out over the last two weeks. It almost seems impolite to blow me off like that tonight. 

I know a lot of you told me I have to get over myself when I was upset about this before, but I’m starting to get a feeling that there’s loose ends with this lady. I don’t think I would ever do that… Not say good night to somebody I really cared about, particularly when that person has been really good at making sure that they thought of me each night for the last while, and I have encouraged it strongly.  I don’t think it’s good karma on her part. Can’t imagine what went into it. 

I don’t know how to deal with it. I know it’s not the end of the world, but it’s also something that I feel I kind of want to bring up. There’s part of me that wants to say… “ dr. lady, I’d like to ask that if we are texting constantly like this, please let me know when you are going to disappear, so that I won’t be waiting to hear back from you… Or perhaps even just send a good night text, so I know you’ve retired for the night and I won’t be wondering what may have happened, because I worry about stuff like that“.

I suspect my therapist, and most of the resources, would say that’s a perfectly reasonable and proactive thing to say to someone. But the doctor lady and I may not be at that place yet. It’s still hugely tentative. I really don’t know where it’s going or what is happening, and these little holes that keep coming up don’t make it any easier for me to feel consistent and stable. 

I guess there is a possibility that she may feel that I have been avoidant this weekend… it could be clear to her that I didn’t offer to call her, and I’ve waited for her before I text her, which means she has always been taking the lead. That’s what you guys pretty much suggested, and it seemed to be working yesterday when she said she missed me, and texted that out of the blue… But there is a chance that she’s kind of scratching her head a bit that I had been taking a lead quite strongly, up until she went away on vacation. Maybe she’s struggling a little bit with that. 

I can only speculate as to why this lady would not text to say good night, considering that we have had a good night call/text pretty much every night since I first got together with her. It bothers me. I feel a little hurt by it.

I know you guys have told me to simmer down many times, and you may say this again… But I think it’s unfair for her, or and any outsiders… To feel that just because it’s only been two weeks, and it’s only that she didn’t say good night, that I shouldn’t be disappointed by that. 
 

do I really have nothing to be concerned about here? Am I making a big deal over very little? Does anybody understand why I may be disappointed by this?
 

 

I really truly get how it feels. I'd feel exactly the same way. I did feel the same way when I last dated a million years ago. If I was her I'd never "leave you on read', as kids say these days, no matter how busy. 

Having said all this, for the love of all things sacred, don't text her what you've put above. You're essentially letting her see how dependant on her you've become. It sounds weak, needy and clingy. As I mentioned in an earlier post - and this is my firm belief- you cannot cure/therapy yourself out of what is essentially your set in stone personality, at this age. You must however, learn to manage not to make it glaringly obvious to a new dating prospect you've massively interested in. Fake it till you make it. You texted last, trillion reasons why she didn't respond, let it go, leave her to it. Let her take the next step. 

I get it man. Trust me, she'll text you soon. And when she does, you've got to be all unassuming and nonchalant, 'Hey! Great to hear from you!' etc etc. NO discussions of the kind you've posted above.

 

[Whirling D]

2 hours ago, Type O Negative said:

I really truly get how it feels. I'd feel exactly the same way. I did feel the same way when I last dated a million years ago. If I was her I'd never "leave you on read', as kids say these days, no matter how busy. 

Having said all this, for the love of all things sacred, don't text her what you've put above. You're essentially letting her see how dependant on her you've become. It sounds weak, needy and clingy. As I mentioned in an earlier post - and this is my firm belief- you cannot cure/therapy yourself out of what is essentially your set in stone personality, at this age. You must however, learn to manage not to make it glaringly obvious to a new dating prospect you've massively interested in. Fake it till you make it. You texted last, trillion reasons why she didn't respond, let it go, leave her to it. Let her take the next step. 

I get it man. Trust me, she'll text you soon. And when she does, you've got to be all unassuming and nonchalant, 'Hey! Great to hear from you!' etc etc. NO discussions of the kind you've posted above.

 

Thanks, O.  

I know, and I do believe that will hear from her, at some point, but is this just a difference in how two people operate?  It seems almost insensitive for someone to do this. On one hand, she asks me if I miss her like she’s missing me, and the day later, she’s not even bothering to say good night, after we’ve spent pretty much two weeks saying good night to each other every night?  That just makes no sense.

I also know that she’s got a lot on her plate, I guess. She’s at a wedding. Maybe they were out late. Maybe she was with people all night. Even so, I would never, ever let something like that slip through the cracks if I really liked someone and I was just beginning to date them. It just wouldn’t happen.  It’s irritating, and heartbreaking that something like that could happen. Unless, she’s got a bone to pick. Somethings she noticed I said, or didn’t say, and maybe she’s irritated by something. I don’t know. I just don’t get it.

but as someone said pages ago… Maybe Sindy, I guess it’s possible that this girl is just not the right one for me, if this kind of thing can happen. Maybe I do need somebody who is more like I am, and would never let saying good night slip through the cracks like that, particularly at this stage.

I just don’t know what to think. I have kind of lost a lot of faith in her, really. I just have.

and you are right, I will likely not say a peep of any kind  to her regarding this. Although part of me thinks I should be honest with her. Yes, it will appear to be clingy and needy, but it’s a need that I do have… And that’s to not be disregarded like that so early in our courtship. It’s not a good look.

[Whirling D]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's great. If she's at a wedding reception, she's not going to check her phone continuously and indulge bantering, being rude to those around. That's pretty normal. Relax and let her enjoy a fun time with her friends and family at the wedding reception. She'll reach out when she has some free time, as expected when someone is away on a trip and attending a wedding. Perfectly ok. 

I guess, wise. Everything you say seems reasonable, but it doesn’t feel reasonable. Her and I have been perfectly in sync about talking at night before she goes to sleep. She made it very clear she likes it, and that she couldn’t not say good night to me.  Until she doesn’t.

The biggest likelihood is that she was just tired and cranky. I’ve never seen her cranky, but she has told me twice that she came home from work and felt cranky and irritated. She’s way way busier than I am, and she’s in travel mode, so maybe that’s why? How would I know? 

to me, and many will say it’s a stretch, it just feels insensitive to leave somebody hanging like that that you’ve been getting to know and corresponding with faithfully. I can manage the brevity of her conversations, like I have been for the last three weeks, even though it’s been getting way more frequent in the last week, even a handful of days. But then just disappear like that when she’s telling me that she misses me? That makes no sense.  Not the way I would roll, ever. I would feel terrible if I was beginning to date someone and I just disappeared and didn’t respond like that.  
 

if I didn’t know better, I would do some thing passive aggressive and not respond for six or eight hours when she texts me next.  Maybe she would begin to think that perhaps all is not set in stone, and maybe there is already a little bit of an expectation in place that she needs to be accountable for what she does.

I get this feeling, and it’s not just because of this, that she may have a little bit of a sense of entitlement… And that she expects certain things to happen. I’ve seen a little bit of evidence of that, although scant… maybe she just thinks it’s no big deal to not respond like that if she doesn’t feel like it, because she thinks she doesn’t have to. Are there really people that would be OK with that kind of disregard? It wouldn’t be me. That’s for sure.

I certainly hope she’s OK, but I’m doubtful that anything bad could have happened. Maybe somebody asked her to dance at the wedding, and now she’s thinking about somebody else, for all I know.

see what I mean? You just wouldn’t do that to somebody that you care about. You’d make sure they knew that you were thinking about them, and you wouldn’t leave them hanging like that. Regardless how long you were dating.

 

[Whirling D]

How do I not say something to her about this? Even if it’s, “hey nice to hear from you, thought you may have fallen off the edge of the earth…“.  

despite it feeling needy, it would at least to be honest. I should probably be honest if Something Happens that makes me feel disappointed with her. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when you care about someone?

yeah, yeah, someone will say the obvious… But we’re not a couple yet, we’ve only been dating a few times. Well, let’s back up 36 hours… When she tells me that she really misses me. Doesn’t that count as a declaration of sorts that I should be able to rely on her to not leave me in a situation where I may have to worry? In truth, I think that’s a little bit of a dealbreaker for me. I don’t think I could manage that too many times before I would start checking out.  Maybe I already should.

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

. She’s way way busier than I am, and she’s in travel mode, so maybe that’s why? How would I know? 

You know because not only did she tell you, she also sent pics of the plane ride and pics of the wedding. So yes, she's busy having a fun weekend with friends and family and appropriately interacting with them.

She'll probably text you when she gets a chance and when it's convenient for her. She doesn't know you're staring at the phone getting upset. She probably doesn't suspect you expect her to text you whenever you want a text.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Whirling D said:

I just watched a video where they called guys that are constantly trying to please their partners simps.  In the video, they said girls get tired of simps really quickly. It’s good to complement, but you don’t want it to become almost clichéd. I’m almost feeling a bit clichéd. It seems like every time she sends me a picture, I end up gushing with a complement.  

I would think this is basic common sense not to behave this way in any relationship even professional ones -like overdoing it in a sales context etc.  

Please check yourself -and again and again if you're tempted to bother her when she's at a wedding out of town.  If she's a "new love" show love by not burdening her with needing reassurance while she is busy, occupied, hopefully dancing and having fun.  And yes even if she politely responds it will be overbearing on your part.

Yes I agree with Bolt she sent you the pic for a compliment! 

[Whirling D]

True, how would she possibly know that I would be expecting to hear from her before she went to sleep…?

so, most of you are thinking I’m over reacting? I know that I probably am, somewhat, but do you understand how some might feel it was not thoughtful of her to be inconsistent like that?

I get it. People are different. But we’ve had a pattern of behavior over about the last week. She seems to have bought into that pattern and enjoys it, and even encouraged it. She broke that pattern, and it just feels concerning to me. Why would she do that, and what kind of message does she think that might be sending out, if she’s even thinking about it? 

 

 

[Whirling D]

48 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would think this is basic common sense not to behave this way in any relationship even professional ones -like overdoing it in a sales context etc.  

Please check yourself -and again and again if you're tempted to bother her when she's at a wedding out of town.  If she's a "new love" show love by not burdening her with needing reassurance while she is busy, occupied, hopefully dancing and having fun.  And yes even if she politely responds it will be overbearing on your part.

Yes I agree with Bolt she sent you the pic for a compliment! 

Well, she got the highest of compliments, and has gotten them almost since I’ve known her… She probably gets too many compliments from me, and I wonder if that is even problematic. And almost never once has she said anything in return… Like… “Awe, thanks… Blush, blush.”

she has made references, although somewhat obscurely, that she feels awkward like that… Like the time I crept up behind her and started to massage her and kiss the back of her neck, and she said, “I wish I could tell you what I feel right now…”.  She didn’t define exactly what she meant by that, but I guess it could be easily inferred that she has a hard time responding to stuff like that. I get that, I guess, but it’s never really been articulated why she has a hard time with that kind of thing.
 

Or even saying “thank you“ when I pay her what could be the highest of compliments… you would think that’s just basic politeness.  Unless it’s expected by her to get those kinds of compliments. I haven’t gotten any real evidence that she’s like that, but I still don’t know her that well, as you know, so it’s entirely possible she’s used to those kinds of compliments, and it’s become almost expected in her world that she will get them.  I wouldn’t be betting on that, but I guess it’s possible.

at this point, anything is possible. I usually like to think I’m a pretty good judge of character, but for all I know, she could be an ax murderer. For all she knows, I could be the same.

I guess I don’t think this is about being too needy. I think it’s just about being thoughtful to the people that you’re engaging with, particularly if there’s a pattern.

Am I really over reacting?

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

True, how would she possibly know that I would be expecting to hear from her before she went to sleep…?

so, most of you are thinking I’m over reacting? I know that I probably am, somewhat, but do you understand how some might feel it was not thoughtful of her to be inconsistent like that?

I get it. People are different. But we’ve had a pattern of behavior over about the last week. She seems to have bought into that pattern and enjoys it, and even encouraged it. She broke that pattern, and it just feels concerning to me. Why would she do that, and what kind of message does she think that might be sending out, if she’s even thinking about it? 

 

 

Patterns so often go out the window when you're away -also is it a different time zone?? My husband  travels a lot.  When he is away he is often in his zone and doesn't respond to texts/emails and if he does extremely belated - I am not concerned for reassurance he loves me.

But these are often things I'd really like some acknowledgement on since minor and major crises tend to happen a lot more when he is away like - near concussions/power outages/covid/active shooter in the neighborhood/emergency oral surgery (me once, and broken tooth for son once on a late Friday afternoon -you try to reach a dentist then)/both my parents hospitalized plus accident at school, etc etc.  

So while he has good intentions if he is working on business-related stuff and/or traveling/preparing to travel/networking he doesn't forget about us but he is not focused at all on responding and assumes his resilient, independent wife and mom of his only child can hold down the fort.  I really dislike it. I really wish he'd at least acknowledge more than he does. 

And - he's working.  He's the reason I can work part time (one of them -I could do fine with my own $) - I signed up in 2005 or so to support him in his intense more than full time very successful career he's built over 25 years now or more.  So I put my "needs" to hear from him more aside and count my blessings and support him by giving him space and keeping the complaints to a minimum or absent.  Also I see a light at end of tunnel as son becomes more and more self-sufficient.  So I live this no pattern/in his zone/travel situation over and over. And I am needy in a different way but I do my best to adjust. 

It's not easy and if you accept that the other person will be out of town/busy/taking time either on a vacation or staycation then you accept there is no pattern at that time. If you cannot accept it find someone who is a true homebody and would never vary from an established routine/pattern. 

Also you're overstating patterns given -only what -3 dates? I didn't think this every night check in stuff was a good idea anyway for this particular reason you're now seeing.

[Batya33]

It's not so thoughtful if it's done mainly for reassurance or mainly for approval seeking.  Then it's self-absorbed.  Yesterday I had to communicate with a major online company customer service rep about another botched delivery while I was hangry and making dinner. 

I felt like venting - not in any way in a nasty way - but I wasn't in the mood to be 100% kind, nice, chill. I felt rushed and somewhat stressed.

  My son is super sensitive to this stuff - he doesn't like an assertive tone with customer service even if totally polite - unless he in his opinion sees completely unfair treatment by the person.  He doesn't have context though and wouldn't know it's the third mess up in two weeks, etc.  So I do me if I feel it's warranted.

Anyway for him - given the day we'd had  -I was 100% chill on the phone.  Not gushy at all -that's silly and fake - but totally low key and gently repeating what the rep said since his cell was breaking up.  Then wished him a good weekend.  Decided not to ask for another gift card for our inconvenience.  The rep clearly was pleased with the interaction and how quickly we resolved the issues.

I felt like being more assertive given the repeated issues.  But for my son's hearing I did it his way.  This is how I behaved in a thoughtful way.  Was it "fake"?  To an extent yes -as far as the level of restraint I showed with my tone - but not fake in the sense that the rep would sense I was holding back my annoyance.  I chose not to be self-serving and express annoyance.  

This is what I am suggesting to you -check yourself and your motive before getting all complimentary/gushy whatever you want to react to and if the motive is mostly self-serving make a different choice.   Yes -sometimes getting to know someone is akin to a business interaction.  

[Whirling D]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's not so thoughtful if it's done mainly for reassurance or mainly for approval seeking.  Then it's self-absorbed.  Yesterday I had to communicate with a major online company customer service rep about another botched delivery while I was hangry and making dinner. 

I felt like venting - not in any way in a nasty way - but I wasn't in the mood to be 100% kind, nice, chill. I felt rushed and somewhat stressed.

  My son is super sensitive to this stuff - he doesn't like an assertive tone with customer service even if totally polite - unless he in his opinion sees completely unfair treatment by the person.  He doesn't have context though and wouldn't know it's the third mess up in two weeks, etc.  So I do me if I feel it's warranted.

Anyway for him - given the day we'd had  -I was 100% chill on the phone.  Not gushy at all -that's silly and fake - but totally low key and gently repeating what the rep said since his cell was breaking up.  Then wished him a good weekend.  Decided not to ask for another gift card for our inconvenience.  The rep clearly was pleased with the interaction and how quickly we resolved the issues.

I felt like being more assertive given the repeated issues.  But for my son's hearing I did it his way.  This is how I behaved in a thoughtful way.  Was it "fake"?  To an extent yes -as far as the level of restraint I showed with my tone - but not fake in the sense that the rep would sense I was holding back my annoyance.  I chose not to be self-serving and express annoyance.  

This is what I am suggesting to you -check yourself and your motive before getting all complimentary/gushy whatever you want to react to and if the motive is mostly self-serving make a different choice.   Yes -sometimes getting to know someone is akin to a business interaction.  

I hear you, Bat… I do feel I am over reacting, and I’m trying to chill. I just don’t know where things stand with this lady, although many of you would say it’s obvious. She likes me. But how do I know that my gushy complements aren’t turning her off? I don’t. She said she likes them, and encouraged me to continue, as if it’s important to her to feel reassured that I like her. That seemed pretty clear, I guess. 

I complement her, because it’s how I feel when I do it. I don’t really feel motivated by anything else other than telling her how I feel, and wanting her to feel good… And yes, I suppose there is the angle that I want her to know that I like her and value her. 

I guess it could be said that almost any relationship is founded on what our own personal needs are. No matter how you slice it, almost everything that one does has some selfishness at its core, unless perhaps your mother Theresa.  I wanted to touch her heart by complementing her. But that’s my need in a roundabout way. You could pretty much say that about any act of kindness… It makes us feel good, perhaps as much as it’s going to make the recipient feel good. I wouldn’t want to look at that as being self-absorbed. That’s just basic human interaction, I suppose.

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

. Why would she do that, and what kind of message does she think that might be sending out, if she’s even thinking about it? 

Because she's at a wedding reception. It's not a "message" to you.   She certainly doesn't suspect she needs to coddle and reassure you, as an adult man.  Wait until she contacts you or drop her a line later.  It will be fine.