Dr. Lady check in…

[ChasingHope]

35 minutes ago, gamon said:

Who cares how you live and how you think out loud into your ipad and that you put one front in front of the other or if you think it's a worthy endeavor? You already had one poster honestly tell you they won't read your posts because they're so full of drivel. I skim past them and try to find actual facts- which comprise about 2% of the BS you spew on here page after page. It's irrelevant, boring, and self centered.

 I bet you do this with women you meet. It's one of the main reasons you continue to fail.

Again- No..one..CARES

 

 

 

You seem obsessed with the OP and unable to control yourself from continuing to post on this thread. If you feel so strongly why not just move on? It’s terribly sad to think that you have nothing meaningful to fill your time and this is the only outlet for your negativity.

[gamon]

Just now, ChasingHope said:

You seem obsessed with the OP and unable to control yourself from continuing to post on this thread. If you feel so strongly why not just move on?

I can't. I am truly obsessed with @Whirling D and his misadventure.

I've been unable to logoff or even live a normal life since his very first post.

Do you think this is a problem?

[ChasingHope]

6 minutes ago, gamon said:

I can't. I am truly obsessed with @Whirling D and his misadventure.

I've been unable to logoff or even live a normal life since his very first post.

Do you think this is a problem?

I do. I truly feel sorry you. It must be a very miserable existence.

[smackie9]

I get what your therapist is trying to get across to you. The multiple opinions here are only making you more conflicted and yes you should stop coming here. IMO your therapists words of "Things seem to be going good" doesn't really mean anything but an attempt to pacify/redirect your anxious thought process. And yes looking for encouragement is your addiction here and TBH it's a bad habit. All these posts are just enabling your insecurity. Did your therapist bring this to your attention? It's a cycle where, you feel anxious/insecure, so you go find a fix and that fix is coming here to alleviate those feelings. You get a boost, and when it wears off because of your doctor lady gives you "distant" text messages/cancels dates, you are back here to get your fix. That's why things have not gotten better in how you cope/feel. You are in a situation of dependence. No different that drugs, alcohol or gambling. It's a coping mechanism, what people refer to as a bad habit. You should be going over this part more with your therapist. Maybe get some behaviour therapy to change your brain/learn healthier coping skills. The focus in therapy should be this, not your dilemma with this lady doctor. Sure it's easy for everyone to say "let things happen organically, and hope for the best" but your brain doesn't compute that casual/relaxed POV. I totally agree with your therapist......you coming here is an interruption of your therapy. Therapists cost money right? and well you have been just throwing money away at this point. Now if therapy isn't getting you any further than you like, find a different one because every therapist is different. They are human too and sometimes cast their own opinion which may not always be helpful to their patient.

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, gamon said:

The fact that she'd rather spend the day with her girlfriend going shopping and see her mom again rather than spending time with you is somewhat concerning and says something about her level of non-interest.

I wouldn't say that, necessarily.  People experienced with online dating know to take it with lots of grains of salt.  They already had their first meet and they've agreed on a date in a week (or something like that).  I think she's smart not to run to extra encounters even if she's feeling crazy about the OP.  

The ones who are all-in at the drop of a hat seem to have a high failure rate.

This woman has a fulfilling life with friends and her mom and a dog all playing roles in it.  OP is a complete stranger.  She may or may not have anything in common, chemistry, etc.  She will find out more about that next week, and meanwhile she AND THE OP should be going on with their normal lives in the interim.  

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

16 hours ago, Whirling D said:

but I trust that she is a decent lady and will treat me fairly, and not screw things over.  At least I can hope this is true. 

What do you mean exactly by screwing things up? 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Whirling D said:

On her dating profile, she says her favorite subject in school was math. So she may be a Numbers lady. I might just be another number. A possibility.  A kind of statistic.  To her, this could be like diagnosing a patient… There’s plenty of possibilities, so she’s going to follow all of the information and then eventually make a careful decision as to what to diagnose. I may just be one of the symptoms. That doesn’t feel good to me, nor does it feel hopeful.  I’m not judging her for that, and I don’t begrudge her.

For hypothetical scenarios you invented? You sure shouldn't judge or begrudge her for that. 

Everything you wrote above is pure conjecture. In reality, you have no idea what she thinks or how she makes choices in dating.  But you speak as though your ideas about her are facts. They are not. They are your own inventions. You have to stop making so many assumptions about her. 

She's still practically a stranger to you.  The only person whose thought processes you can accurately assess are your own. You project from a place of fear an awful lot, and it's making you think you know a lot more about her than you actually do. 

[Jaunty]

I'm sorry to be a buzzkiller ... but if you can't get some kind of self control, you can't function in a relationship.  Not with Dr. Lady or anybody.  

Will you even try to address that?   I really believe it's a choice, you are like a drug addict or somebody who compulsively does any number of things.   Once it's an addiction it takes a lot of work to turn around - but it's still a choice.

I mean, go ahead and give this your best shot, but you will almost certainly  be unfit for companionship when you are allowing your mind to run at 1000mph and all of it is out in fantasyland.   You can't be present, you will never have any idea about the reality of the person in front of you,  and will not be partnership material.   Not to even mention that you must be driving yourself crazy, though maybe you're so used to it by now that it's not really troubling you.

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I'm sorry to be a buzzkiller ... but if you can't get some kind of self control, you can't function in a relationship.  Not with Dr. Lady or anybody.  

Will you even try to address that?   I really believe it's a choice, you are like a drug addict or somebody who compulsively does any number of things.   Once it's an addiction it takes a lot of work to turn around - but it's still a choice.

I mean, go ahead and give this your best shot, but you will almost certainly  be unfit for companionship when you are allowing your mind to run at 1000mph and all of it is out in fantasyland.   You can't be present, you will never have any idea about the reality of the person in front of you,  and will not be partnership material.   Not to even mention that you must be driving yourself crazy, though maybe you're so used to it by now that it's not really troubling you.

 

Yes, true and I ended a number of short term dating relationships where the man subjected me to his insecurities too much and absolutely too soon. However I know of women who like that sort of thing -they're the caretaker, the reassurer, the nurturer.  I've seen it in front of me and knew it wasn't for me -but it was for them.

[Whirling D]

2 hours ago, gamon said:

Who cares how you live and how you think out loud into your ipad and that you put one front in front of the other or if you think it's a worthy endeavor? You already had one poster honestly tell you they won't read your posts because they're so full of drivel. I skim past them and try to find actual facts- which comprise about 2% of the BS you spew on here page after page. It's irrelevant, boring, and self centered.

 I bet you do this with women you meet. It's one of the main reasons you continue to fail.

Again- No..one..CARES

 

 

 

I can’t speak for others, Gamon, but I don’t usually get people telling me I talk too much or I am self absorbed, which may or may not be true. I definitely write a lot on here, for reasons I’ve described many times.

there are people that care what I write. I would care what somebody else writes, even if long winded, if I had the time, which many obviously don’t, I would be interested in what somebody has to say through their writing. It’s a form of expression, and some do it really well, and others learn from it. I do a lot of reading, as well, which I find therapeutic. I’ve also mentioned that I watch a ton of videos about mental health, etc. I think it’s a fairly blossoming field.

but everyone has their own tolerances of what they want to read and what they don’t. I get that. If someone doesn’t want to read my long winded rants, they can just choose to read something else.  

 I’ve also said 1 million times before, I don’t befriend new single women enough for them to know whether I’m self-absorbed or not… that is the part I gripe about and complain about the most.

I certainly wasn’t long-winded at all in my profession. I barely said anything, and I think that was part of a problem. I think this is indeed a presentation issue, as kind of a quiet shy nerdy kid. Apparently that doesn’t go over too well in most areas down here.

[Whirling D]

2 hours ago, ChasingHope said:

You seem obsessed with the OP and unable to control yourself from continuing to post on this thread. If you feel so strongly why not just move on? It’s terribly sad to think that you have nothing meaningful to fill your time and this is the only outlet for your negativity.

Thank you, Chase…

ironically, I try to read between those lines and extract what it is that is trying to be said, and sometimes there is value in there… And sometimes I have to get over myself a bit to be able to see it. 🙂

but I really appreciate the support. Your words mean more than you know.

[Whirling D]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is kind of interesting. Why not offer to come up sometime and do some gardening together at her place?  You seem to like gardening and she seems to see it as a chore. This of course would be later on after at least your second date.  

That’s exactly what my future fantasy would look like, in effect, wise.   I’d be happy to take on that kind of partnership.  

I just hope that there’s a chance to be able to make that happen.

That was a bit of a disadvantage with my former spouse. She picked out the old broken down house I still live in, and thought it was beautiful, but within a few years, she became afraid of all of its problems, whereas I flip-flopped and went from thinking it was chaos to really enjoying it.  She probably wouldn’t be caught dead living here now.

I would be outside doing something I probably shouldn’t have been trying to do… And I was trying to beautify the place so that she could value it the way that I did… So I would be out there mowing and chainsawing, and trimming brush, hoping that she would someday come out and find the value in it like I did. That never happened.  Part of me feels like I wasted my time and should’ve known better, but I am a people pleaser, much to my detriment.

One could argue that I was doing those tasks for myself and not for her… Because making her happy would make me happy, but that argument seems to be a conundrum with no easy resolution.

[Whirling D]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Oh I see what you're saying.  Let me clarify -signs of interest in dating are irrelevant at this stage - a person interested in dating plans a date time and place or accepts a planned date with interest/enthusiasm.  Signs of non-interest/lukewarm are not.  I agree with you.  I asked out men and I would not have asked out a man who wasn't responsive in how you're describing.  I also said no to last minute dates/afterthought type invitations as signs of not enough interest.

I have done the same with forming platonic friendships.  A woman I suggested a meeting to in February followed up recently.  I am willing to meet her but I'm not going to pull out all the stops to do so because obviously she is not doing the same for me.  Like that.  But on the flip side if someone says to me "we should get coffee sometime" I don't see that as interest in getting coffee. Only if she then follows up with a specific date and time and place.

I went on a few dates with a guy I was super interested in so when he said casually "so what do you have going on next weekend?" I smiled coyly and said "a date with you!!"  To me that's the level of interest (even if the words are not as forward and presumptuous as mine were -yes we kept dating).

True, and I like your reasoning on this… But in this case, there are mixed signals. She text me out of the blue, then she doesn’t respond. She seems happy I asked her out yesterday to get together, but then sends a rather chilly message to decline.

i’m trying not to make a big deal of those things, because we’ve seen in this case that predicting what they mean doesn’t necessarily mean anything, other than it’s driving me crazy. She may be interested, a lot, she may be interested a medium amount, and she may not really be that interested and just like me as a friend. I guess there is a win involved in each one of those in some capacity.
 

And as I said to her when I was sitting there, “it struck me, on the way up here, that I knew I was going to be meeting and sitting chatting with somebody that was not part of my life only a short while ago. Doesn’t that seem really bizarre? 🙂.  Clearly, she probably should be able to tell that was coming from somebody that doesn’t meet and sustain a lot of new people.  If she does have a wide circle, that comment would probably go right over her head.  And maybe seem weird.  

But in my world, it is very true.  I had a very positive exchange with a lovely woman one week ago, and I don’t take that lightly. I still feel the positive vibe coming from that meeting, and should she choose to go elsewhere or ghost me, I can at least feel some positive results from that.

and just to clarify, if I haven’t done that already, I think when I met her a week ago, she had mentioned “we should come walk-through again when it’s nicer out“ that kind of thing, so it seemed pretty clear that she wanted to continue forward getting to know each other, at least in some form… But one form, who knows. It felt so natural and obvious that her and I were really doing well and finding a connection.

and then asking for her number in the car, I think, would lead one to think that I was going to call her and ask her out, and I think that’s what I did… I think I said “well, it would be nice to see you again… When are you available? “  

One could argue that it was passive, but she immediately said “let me get my calendar open” and we began to negotiate.

to me that seems pretty clear that I was asking her out, so I don’t think there was any lack of clarity of my interest. I’m sure that could be argued.  Was it the strongest lead I could have used? Maybe not.

And Friday night, I did what you guys said I should do… We talked for about two minutes, and then out of the blue I said, “hey, I have unexpected hours tomorrow when my kid goes to work, would you be available for a dog walk or something like that tomorrow?”  That was pretty forward and direct, I think.

I have no idea what my point actually is.  😩😩

 

[Whirling D]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I get what your therapist is trying to get across to you. The multiple opinions here are only making you more conflicted and yes you should stop coming here. IMO your therapists words of "Things seem to be going good" doesn't really mean anything but an attempt to pacify/redirect your anxious thought process. And yes looking for encouragement is your addiction here and TBH it's a bad habit. All these posts are just enabling your insecurity. Did your therapist bring this to your attention? It's a cycle where, you feel anxious/insecure, so you go find a fix and that fix is coming here to alleviate those feelings. You get a boost, and when it wears off because of your doctor lady gives you "distant" text messages/cancels dates, you are back here to get your fix. That's why things have not gotten better in how you cope/feel. You are in a situation of dependence. No different that drugs, alcohol or gambling. It's a coping mechanism, what people refer to as a bad habit. You should be going over this part more with your therapist. Maybe get some behaviour therapy to change your brain/learn healthier coping skills. The focus in therapy should be this, not your dilemma with this lady doctor. Sure it's easy for everyone to say "let things happen organically, and hope for the best" but your brain doesn't compute that casual/relaxed POV. I totally agree with your therapist......you coming here is an interruption of your therapy. Therapists cost money right? and well you have been just throwing money away at this point. Now if therapy isn't getting you any further than you like, find a different one because every therapist is different. They are human too and sometimes cast their own opinion which may not always be helpful to their patient.

This is a very smart post, smackie. Thank you. 

I think you are so spot on in every instance.

people do draw a correlation between coming on Forums like this and building a sense of community.  When, in reality, I don’t know any of you guys at all. It’s a false community.  But in many ways, it’s the only community I have.

i’ll spare you all the details as to why I feel kind of stuck in this loop… And you may notice that I’ve been on here less over the last 48 hours for that exact reason. I’m trying to strike a little bit better of a balance.

but yes, I come on here for validation, and support, and to feed my addiction for answers.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t.

but you are absolutely right… This is an addiction, and it has been at times detrimental. But there have been other times that I have enjoyed.

we will see how things go. I tend to come and go on here depending on how obsessed I feel about something…

your comments are very smart and intuitive, so thank you.

[Whirling D]

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I wouldn't say that, necessarily.  People experienced with online dating know to take it with lots of grains of salt.  They already had their first meet and they've agreed on a date in a week (or something like that).  I think she's smart not to run to extra encounters even if she's feeling crazy about the OP.  

The ones who are all-in at the drop of a hat seem to have a high failure rate.

This woman has a fulfilling life with friends and her mom and a dog all playing roles in it.  OP is a complete stranger.  She may or may not have anything in common, chemistry, etc.  She will find out more about that next week, and meanwhile she AND THE OP should be going on with their normal lives in the interim.  

 

 

Completely true, Jaunty… and in my finer moments, this is exactly what I’m trying to do… Go on with my life and realize that there’s a very nice lady that I will be meeting with next Saturday, and who knows what will come of that.

I just need to stop feeling so anxious in the meantime… Be productive, try to stay positive. It’s about a 50/50 mix right now… 50% feeling good about what I remember from our gathering, and 50% feeling that it’s gonna come crashing down before it even starts. 

Sadly, the more time that goes by between positive reinforcements from her, the more negative I get. Maybe that’s to be expected.  There is just so much that is unknown yet.  

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

What do you mean exactly by screwing things up? 

Screwing things up… Means she ghosts… Disappears without a sound… Or her and I go out two or three times and then she tells me she’s decided to date somebody else, which is completely understandable, or she friend zones. 

I guess the latter two couldn’t really be considered screwing over, because she won’t necessarily know what she thinks or wants right off the bat. I can’t say that I do entirely, although I was so impressed with her and the ease of being with her.  It just felt so much in sync, at least from my perspective.

[Whirling D]

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I wouldn't say that, necessarily.  People experienced with online dating know to take it with lots of grains of salt.  They already had their first meet and they've agreed on a date in a week (or something like that).  I think she's smart not to run to extra encounters even if she's feeling crazy about the OP.  

The ones who are all-in at the drop of a hat seem to have a high failure rate.

This woman has a fulfilling life with friends and her mom and a dog all playing roles in it.  OP is a complete stranger.  She may or may not have anything in common, chemistry, etc.  She will find out more about that next week, and meanwhile she AND THE OP should be going on with their normal lives in the interim.  

 

 

so… Are you saying it is smart not to jump toward impromptu encounters, because perhaps she knows she wants to take things slowly and not get too overly consumed after only one meeting? Is that what you meant by that?

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

For hypothetical scenarios you invented? You sure shouldn't judge or begrudge her for that. 

Everything you wrote above is pure conjecture. In reality, you have no idea what she thinks or how she makes choices in dating.  But you speak as though your ideas about her are facts. They are not. They are your own inventions. You have to stop making so many assumptions about her. 

She's still practically a stranger to you.  The only person whose thought processes you can accurately assess are your own. You project from a place of fear an awful lot, and it's making you think you know a lot more about her than you actually do. 

All true… That’s why I put all of these thoughts as… She could have… Maybe she does… Maybe she isn’t… All hypotheticals. Just different analytical possibilities. From an overactive brain… 🙂

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

I'm sorry to be a buzzkiller ... but if you can't get some kind of self control, you can't function in a relationship.  Not with Dr. Lady or anybody.  

Will you even try to address that?   I really believe it's a choice, you are like a drug addict or somebody who compulsively does any number of things.   Once it's an addiction it takes a lot of work to turn around - but it's still a choice.

I mean, go ahead and give this your best shot, but you will almost certainly  be unfit for companionship when you are allowing your mind to run at 1000mph and all of it is out in fantasyland.   You can't be present, you will never have any idea about the reality of the person in front of you,  and will not be partnership material.   Not to even mention that you must be driving yourself crazy, though maybe you're so used to it by now that it's not really troubling you.

 

I usually do pretty well after I feel a sense of stability. It’s not knowing what the future will bring in situations like this that’s the most difficult for me to navigate. And it’s not like my whole world is being consumed by this right now. Parts of my brain are, parts of my brain are not.

If her and I began dating, it would settle in, and I can often be a pretty good and decent partner. That’s one thing I’m pretty confident of. Would it be perfect? Clearly not. Would I battle demons? I already pretty much told her that I struggle. Most of my former partners have helped navigate those demons, and I am usually pretty good at describing what is happening when it happens… After a while, that settles down once I feel that someone is not going anywhere.

All of this comes from a sense of impending abandonment.  My family moved every 2 to 3 years growing up, and I hear it is not uncommon for kids that grow up like this to feel unstable quite a lot until things settle down. I am hopeful, if even a little confident, that if she accepts me for who I am, I will settle down and do well with her.  That hasn’t been a big problem with former partners, and they’ve seen me struggle with what we are talking about here… attachment disorders… And things have always worked out OK. Why they eventually failed would be a whole other conversation.

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Yes, true and I ended a number of short term dating relationships where the man subjected me to his insecurities too much and absolutely too soon. However I know of women who like that sort of thing -they're the caretaker, the reassurer, the nurturer.  I've seen it in front of me and knew it wasn't for me -but it was for them.

Interesting description… I don’t think that once I get involved in a relationship, I come across or give overwhelming evidence of being hugely needy. I can usually negotiate through what I need… Will I ask for things that might make some people feel I am needy? Maybe.  I can usually stay away from that if I feel secure and loved.  
 

I think everyone has needs that they feel they have to meet… I don’t think mine will be out of control. But I’m not there yet.

it’s never really been that big of an issue in past relationships.  I was never really consistently clingy or demanding… Did I feel needy? Yes, sometimes, but often times I found outlets for it, which I will this time, as well. Writing on here is my current outlet. Once things start to move, maybe with her, I’ll have less time to ruminate. And I’ll be enjoying life more and have a focus with which to use the positive energy I have.

Hopefully,

[Sindy_0311]

 

26 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

there’s a very nice lady that I will be meeting with next Saturday,

How about she cancels next Saturday? How would you feel? 

When I like a guy very much I try to imagine i won’t see him again, so if he cancels, at least I have other plans and don’t end to disappointed. Each date becomes a little extra I can appreciate without looking forward for it. 

There was a guy i really liked last January, but he was flaky, I suppose because he wasn’t that into me. Every time he invited me to hang out I had other plans just in case he would cancel. He in fact cancelled our last date. I already was mentally prepared for it. So it didn’t bother me at all and the next day when he reached out I told him I was not longer interested without any regrets. The dates you get with your lady should be considered like a great bonus, not something you are waiting for like a deadline in your life… 

Sorry if my English is bad, I hope you understand my point. 

[Whirling D]

5 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 

How about she cancels next Saturday? How would you feel? 

When I like a guy very much I try to imagine i won’t see him again, so if he cancels, at least I have other plans and don’t end to disappointed. Each date becomes a little extra I can appreciate without looking forward for it. 

There was a guy i really liked last January, but he was flaky, I suppose because he wasn’t that into me. Every time he invited me to hang out I had other plans just in case he would cancel. He in fact cancelled our last date. I already was mentally prepared for it. So it didn’t bother me at all and the next day when he reached out I told him I was not longer interested without any regrets. The dates you get with your lady should be considered like a great bonus, not something you are waiting for like a deadline in your life… 

Sorry if my English is bad, I hope you understand my point. 

Your English is not bad, Sindy… I understand every word.  Thank you… 🙂

of course, it will suck, and it will hurt if our planned date falls through.  There is absolutely no doubt, that if she cancels and says she doesn’t want to pursue this, I will head to the nearest Starbucks. Then I will probably drive for an hour somewhere… When the dust settles, I’ll probably find someplace to go and walk around, and then I will be miserable because I’ll be looking at all the partners… And all of the ladies I think I would have things in common with, who are with guys much taller than I am and with broader shoulders… and then I will acknowledge how much more money they make than I do… And I’ll wonder what they are offering to that nice lady that I can’t…  And I will think the world is a miserable place for a while.   Because that’s what I see every time I go out.

And then… What happens every single time… It may take a month or two, but then I start to come back down to earth and follow the path again. I have a little eternal flicker of light in my heart that just does not want to burn out. I always have hope that maybe someday, before I stop breathing, someone will come along that feels like home to me. 

but, until then.  That light is just barely flickering anymore.

[Sindy_0311]

23 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

Your English is not bad, Sindy… I understand every word.  Thank you… 🙂

of course, it will suck, and it will hurt if our planned date falls through.  There is absolutely no doubt, that if she cancels and says she doesn’t want to pursue this, I will head to the nearest Starbucks. Then I will probably drive for an hour somewhere… When the dust settles, I’ll probably find someplace to go and walk around, and then I will be miserable because I’ll be looking at all the partners… And all of the ladies I think I would have things in common with, who are with guys much taller than I am and with broader shoulders… and then I will acknowledge how much more money they make than I do… And I’ll wonder what they are offering to that nice lady that I can’t…  And I will think the world is a miserable place for a while.   Because that’s what I see every time I go out.

And then… What happens every single time… It may take a month or two, but then I start to come back down to earth and follow the path again. I have a little eternal flicker of light in my heart that just does not want to burn out. I always have hope that maybe someday, before I stop breathing, someone will come along that feels like home to me. 

but, until then.  That light is just barely flickering anymore.

You think you are the only one feeling hopeless sometime? The couples you see out there are just a few. I can tell you that many of us struggle to find our ‘soulmates’ (don’t like that word) I know a lot of beautiful, healthy ladies of 40 or so dealing only with low invested guys, jerks and players… and I even know couples who don’t fit together and would certainly be more happy being alone. One of my bestie is trying to divorce for ten years but can’t do it, and she once told me ‘you might be alone, but at least you are in peace and don’t have to deal with a toxic man’. And since then, even though I want to find love, deeply, im grateful being free to do whatever I want with my life. 

Also I learnt that love doesn’t only comes from a relationship, for me, it comes from my family, my best friend, my dog, my son, and most of all I try to love myself and take care of myself like i wish a partner would do it… I talk to myself a lot, i encourage myself, I like having good diners, relaxing, taking a bath at the end of the day, doing what ever i want in my feee time… 

Also I think you should try meeting women/people in real life. (volunteering like Batya said) There is no reason you can’t find your match. And if you can’t find in your city, why don’t you drive one hour a week to another city to join activities or even a group therapy… you can do it for the doctor, so why not to expand your social life? Stop ruminating about you being unlucky in life and start to take actions to change it… 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Whirling D said:

Screwing things up… Means she ghosts… Disappears without a sound… Or her and I go out two or three times and then she tells me she’s decided to date somebody else, which is completely understandable, or she friend zones. 

But it wouldn't be ghosting - if she simply never set up another date -certainly it would be rude if she stood you up -I was stood up as was a friend of mine (you will like this -in the latter case myself, Stood Up Friend and two of our gal friends were at a popular dessert place when..... in walks in Stand Up Guy (my friend recognized him from his dating profile).  He walks by us, sees my friend- jaw drops and he tries to kind of duck into the restroom. 

Eventually he emerges and boy did he get the stare down from us gals -it was quite amusing to see him squirm (my friend ended up marrying a man she met on a rainy Valentines Day Night in her building's laundry room -this after ending an engagement to a man she met on Match).  So yes that is certainly ghosting.  She also won't friend zone -neither of you is looking for a buddy -certainly she is not -you all are so busy you can't even schedule a date.

I so love the plan of gardening for a date -true not a first date but since you like that - and it brings you joy -are there community gardens near  you where you can volunteer or even volunteer with a date? I don't garden.  I love being on the sidelines and seeing how much joy/peace/rewards people get from it. My late FIL loved his small rose garden.

[Cherylyn]

I love my handyman husband but it wouldn't be a deal breaker if he didn't have skills to repair / maintain a house nor repair / maintain our cars.  However, he saves us a ton of money.  Hiring contractors is expensive.  He also enjoys doing yard work so he's mowing lawns,  planting flowers for me,  installing trellises and the like.  He's "Mr. Fix It."   He's very much reminiscent of his father. 

He's also a great provider. 

Fortunately,  my husband,  sons and I are in good health. 

I can't speak for all women but I guess the reason why I'm the way I am is because I've always wanted to meet and marry the complete opposite of my father who lived in a house but was rather "helpless" meaning he didn't have the skills nor wanted to learn how to maintain / repair the house,  cars and whatever was necessary to maintain a household. 

My husband hails from a great family.  Naturally, "like father,  like son."  His father always treated his wife like a queen,  always deferred to her and they set the bar quite high. Their marriage is unparalleled.  Both of them are extremely devoted to each other.  My husband has a brother and a sister.  My husband's upbringing and family life were amazing.  My in-laws are fine examples of how comfortable and happy life can be.  They say the greatest thing a father can do for his children is to love and respect their mother.  My husband came from this type of background. 

Economically we didn't fare well,  my father drank,  smoked,  beat my mother,  incurred $350K debts which she repaid all by herself and he was a womanizer.  (My mother still resides in the same house today.)  My father left my mother with 3 children with nary a penny towards child support.  Life was very hard.  This is the reason why I became very picky and choosy regarding how I wanted to navigate my life.  I wasn't about to repeat my mother's horrible mistake. 

Even though my next door neighbor guy is outwardly "nice,"   I overheard him,  his wife and son exchanging foul language and it was awful to overhear their shouting matches.  I didn't want a home life like that either.  I prefer living a clean,  loving,  peaceful,  conscientious,  considerate,  very normal,  stable,  content life.  Any other way is non-negotiable. 

Some women such as myself have a long list of requirements when shopping around.  For me,  I didn't wish to repeat a life of very painful struggle.  Been there,  done that and never again.  I just wanted to make sure I got it right the first time.  Blessedly,  I did. 

This is just my perspective.  It's a great big world out there and everyone shops around until they find "the one."  Everyone's requirements are different, too.