Dr. Lady check in…

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

It’s either going to happen or it’s not"

But you can greatly increase the chances of either of those outcomes based on your choices.  Fate often plays a role -it sure did in why I am married now - but a minor one IMO.

[gamon]

5 hours ago, Whirling D said:

Yes, I think she knows that her mother lives about 45 minutes from me, more or less. That was part of our conversation last night as to whether it would make sense for us to get together for a brief visit today.

Wait- you already talked about meeting today for a brief visit. I'm not following why you'd need to bring it up again if it was already discussed.

[Batya33]

I somehow missed your second post with your updates on potential plans with the good doctor! I'm glad there is progress -it's  a nice exchange you two have had.  I hear you about her visiting her mom -it's tempting right given proximity.  I leave it to you.

You know -my husband came back from a challenging work trip that also randomly involved a tough family situation with an elderly relative- this afternoon and I had a really challenging few days solo parenting and working.  I felt like I was low priority in certain respects. And -you know -we've been together many years and communication is such a process! I found a way to tell him how I felt -in a good way not a argumentative way and he said he totally cared about what had occurred during his time away and he was tired.  I didn't let it go until I felt he understood how I felt and I felt vulnerable sharing that.  He then offered hugs - he was tired, he realized he wasn't verbalizing that he cared about what had occurred and he figured he'd try through hugs. 

And you know what -it helped - it's "communication" -it helped a lot - and it surprised me since I am so very "verbal" and wanted to be validated with words but the hugs were "validating!"

My point is you might "feel" low priority given her texting or lack thereof and you don't have the history with her of course or the benefit of eye contact in person -even giving a hug - touching an arm -as you get to know her of course -so please keep that in mind - I had the benefit of addressing "low priority" fairly quickly and in person and in an out of the box way for me -but keep in mind at this point you simply can't do that so please don't let the feeling of "low priority" infect/taint what seems so far like two people trying to make a plan to spend more time in person!

[Whirling D]

Good conversation. Thank you.

well, I won’t have any choice but to take my time getting to know this lady, and vice versa. I think that’s a very reasonable way to go about things.

I guess I am impatient as hell to see whether things will work, knowing that typically, they usually don’t even get off the ground with somebody that is potentially high caliber like this.

interestingly, for about the first hour that we were sitting last weekend, she was the one that was really firing out the questions… Definitely things she had been thinking about, and things she had learned by googling me, so I could tell that she was definitely trying to learn as much as she could to narrow things down.

That tickled me a little bit, and I thought it was kind of fun… And it told me that she was taking our time together seriously, and she was taking me seriously. It was all in good fun. We were both enjoying sitting there chatting. I asked her a ton of things, she asked me a ton of things, but some of the things that she was asking were clearly meant to weed out potential problems with dating. I was perfectly OK with that. I wouldn’t have expected less, I guess.

this is a bit of a different approach for me, I guess, because I’ve typically been one who moves pretty quickly if I figure I’m going to like someone. There was romance on the first date with probably the last several girls I dated who I actually was interested in. So, in concept, I get it… Getting to know someone takes time and patience. in practice, I want to feel stable, even if it’s not time to be able to feel that.
 

I think this lady would definitely be worth the wait. She seems so genuine and decent, and I don’t want to screw it up.

What does this all mean? I’m scared ***less, truthfully. I’m scared that I’m gonna start to get to know this lady, and she’s going to pinpoint, perhaps over time, all of the same things that we’ve been talking about, and as Bat has said… Essentially that birds of a feather flock together, and her and I may just be too culturally different to really work, and eventually she’ll have the friend zone talk. I’ve never said that I know it’s going to happen, but I have often said on here that it is a strong likelihood it is going to happen.

my job for the next few months is to not self-destruct, and to be the thoughtful, often funny, usually kind of person that I know that I can be. Maybe she will value the quirks and idiosyncrasies… So I’m going to give it the best that I can, and hope not to self-destruct.  

I was reading recently that when you invite the right kind of people into your life, you can bring out a much more stable and loving response from both people. Even though I only met this lady once, and we’ve only spoken on the phone twice, I feel pretty good about trusting who she is. That doesn’t mean that the end result is going to be what I want, but I trust that she is a decent lady and will treat me fairly, and not screw things over.  At least I can hope this is true. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, gamon said:

Wait- you already talked about meeting today for a brief visit. I'm not following why you'd need to bring it up again if it was already discussed.

We had talked about gathering midday for a brief visit while my daughter was working…

But as the day progressed, I found out that I would have another several hours tonight while my daughter was out with friends… So I considered texting her to see if whether she was still near her mother’s house, and whether she’d be interested in getting together for a brief ice cream or coffee or something.

 

[gamon]

You talked about getting together mid-day. What was the outcome?

If you meet mid-day then while you're together you can suggest seeing her again that evening.

 

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, gamon said:

You talked about getting together mid-day. What was the outcome?

If you meet mid-day then while you're together you can suggest seeing her again that evening.

 

We didn’t end up meeting midday, because she had said that she had already made plans with a girlfriend to go into the city shopping, and if in the event the girlfriend canceled, her and I could hang out. But apparently the girlfriend didn’t cancel, so they went shopping.  
 

The ice cream idea didn’t find legs, because I didn’t wanna push being too spontaneous and put too many demands on her this quickly.

[Whirling D]

But I am starting to wonder how prudent it is to even be pursuing this. That’s kind of what Bat was saying.

How in the heck am I going to keep this girl happy? Even today, her and her girlfriend went shopping in one of the most expensive areas of a large city. My experiences of going into cities is simply walking along the riverside on a nice day, and maybe going into the commercial area and having a coffee and a cannoli. That’s really all I can do. I like that, but someone in a higher income bracket may have very different ideas.
 

Many of the girls that I’ve dated over the last 30 years knew nothing about the city, because they were out from where I am, and it was me that brought them into the city and introduced them to the possibilities there… It felt like I was actually opening up doors for them, even acting a little bit like a mentor. I do well in that role. How do I open up doors with somebody who has likely had so many doors opened already?  It feels like I’ll have nothing new to offer this lady.

I could go on and on… What’s the likelihood she’s going to want to drive 12 hours five or six times a year up to see my family, or go on driving vacations during the summer rather than fly somewhere, because it’s gonna be tough for me to afford it?

and then, I remembered something she had said when we were sitting last week… She said she liked owning her house, but she hated having to deal with the outside work. Lots of times, when I am outside, I have this daydream that there will be some nice lady there that I live with, who loves gardening and taking care of the property as much I do and I loves the land out there and sees its value the way I do. 

that just may be my trauma symptoms flaring up, with this notion that I have to find somebody just like me, and if they are not, it’s not going to work. I don’t know. Everybody has their own vision as for what they think they would enjoy in that regard. 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Whirling D said:

How in the heck am I going to keep this girl happy?

D. Stop. 

You are going to over-think and worry yourself into oblivion again. You get way too ahead of yourself and lean into catastrophic thinking too much. 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Whirling D said:

 She said she liked owning her house.  gardening and taking care of the property as much I do.

This is kind of interesting. Why not offer to come up sometime and do some gardening together at her place?  You seem to like gardening and she seems to see it as a chore. This of course would be later on after at least your second date.  

[Jaunty]

You need a mantra or reminder to say to yourself, or worry beads or something, to go to every time you start spinning out into the stratosphere about this, and bring your feet back to earth so you can keep putting one in front of the other.

The fact is that MOST people who meet and date do not end up spending their lives together, most don't even end up dating for any period of time.  

This is not aimed at you personally.  it's just a fact.  You need to go into it with an open mind.  Your mind is not open when you're envisioning every kind of scenario and running with them one after the other, because you can't be present to take in what is happening in front of you.

 

[Sindy_0311]

3 hours ago, Whirling D said:

Even today, her and her girlfriend went shopping in one of the most expensive areas of a large city. My experiences of going into cities is simply walking along the riverside on a nice day, and maybe going into the commercial area and having a coffee and a cannoli. That’s really all I can do. I like that, but someone in a higher income bracket may have very different ideas.

I understand you might worry about the income thing. But you don’t know her yet, and neither you know what she is looking for in a man. Maybe she just wants to meet someone she can fall in love with, no matter the shopping areas or the vacations to Bahamas. You are doing presumptions based on the little you know about her. You continuing to question about her interest or the outcome of this relationship is a good way to sabotage… instead of rationalizing it all, why don’t you focus on emotions and give it a chance to develop the way it has to…

I think at this point it’s not about her, it’s about you and whether you feel comfortable and ready to date a woman with a higher standard of living. If not, then just stop it. 

[Batya33]

I agree with taking it one date at a time and as I've written repeatedly assume each date is the last unless there is a time/place plan for another date.  

Analogy- I was able to conceive for the first time at age 41, almost 42.  Just like you are impatient -you want this woman, you want to know how it will end up -I mean I was growing a baby and terrified of miscarriage.  Being able to have a baby- I mean - all I ever wanted- and "hope" was an understatement. 

Never had a miscarriage that I knew of, never had been pregnant -just knew the stats/risks just like you know what you're looking for is highly atypical.  But I absolutely had to hold it all together.  For one thing I wasn't going to tell at my work until I was in my 14th week and it was week 5.  

I went into action to manage the what ifs/my anxiety.  I banned myself from internet research on all the twinges/symptoms even scary ones.  I couldn't see a doctor till week 9, either. 

Just like you not hearing from her, I had some bad signs -spotting.  At week 11 I had an appointment to have a diagnostic test to see about risks of major birth defects.  Again -incredibly stressful. 

I had been good with the no internet, and I had to take it day by day to manage my anxiety over the spotting, the not knowing (just like I'm telling you).  I had to -I had to come up with rituals, mantras, redirection whatever the heck it took to make sure I was managing my stress levels and not going off the rails over a situation that might not work out.

When I arrived for my "date" on week 11 I'm told - sorry you're here the wrong day it's ___.  I teared up, I begged and pleaded to find a way to take me - I could not reschedule. 

They did by some miracle -again though -just like you're not entitled to another date I wasn't entitled to be seen that day.  I'd never messed up like that before but... hormones I guess?? And they gave me the good results right there instead of making me wait.  Again - I was not entitled to them going the extra mile.  

This is the same -it's your obligation to yourself to find ways to manage your anxiety - to take this date by date like I had to take my miraculous conception day by day, sometimes hour by hour.  It's really hard work to retrain yourself, to double down when it's so so hard. 

You say you "never" had luck with women etc but really it's the same I never had luck -in my mind -finding the right man for me to make a baby with - didn't think I'd ever have luck conceiving at age 40-41 when so many of my friends already had school age kids-even teenagers - whether my mindset was realistic all the time -likely not -but I had to manage the reactions. 

Just like you dont' want to mess up because of your anxiety I didn't want to harm my chances of conceiving or having a healthy pregnancy or feel sick myself by losing my mind if I read or heard something scary about the risks, etc.  

So, maybe you'll give birth to a healthy relationship -maybe not -but please -date by date and do the work as to what rituals/mantras -whatever the heck -work for you to manage your reactions to your feelings and anxiety.

[gamon]

10 hours ago, Whirling D said:

But I am starting to wonder how prudent it is to even be pursuing this. That’s kind of what Bat was saying.

How in the heck am I going to keep this girl happy?

Lots of women are satisfied just having a guy around the house who can fix and build things.

If you can do that much, you're off to a good start. If you aren't handy around the house, and you don't have any money to do things, you're going to have to dig deeper to find things you can offer her. What about music lessons?

The fact that she'd rather spend the day with her girlfriend going shopping and see her mom again rather than spending time with you is somewhat concerning and says something about her level of non-interest.

[spinstermanquee]

WhirlingD, I have been (trying to follow) / following what's going on in your life and wish I could participate in the conversation!  I am having issues with the length of the posts and stream-of-consciousness  style of dictation to the app in use.  I am a nobody here on the forums, so if you are not amenable to editing down the length of the posts - I get it!  🙂 Wish you all the best and hope that a lovely lady lands in your life...

[Whirling D]

Thanks everybody.

Despite feeling a bit anxious, and the lack of real confidence in this situation, my expectation is to still move forward, and do all the things that I’ve been doing… Contact her once in a while. Maybe text. Wait to see if she texts.  Plan our outing for next weekend.

but yes, I am feeling a bit down about it. Maybe a lot today.  Kind of sad. Knowing that I don’t meet ladies that I connect with and date hardly ever at all, and feeling such a strong vibe with this lady last weekend, but getting all kinds of lukewarm signs…

I do know they are just signs, and signs can lead you in different directions, sometimes astray. Depending.  We’ve seen this multiple times with this lady already.  
 

Signs… sigh…
 

I thought it might be a good sign that she texted me on Wednesday out of the blue just to say hi… I felt appreciated…  Ecstatic, really. That seem like such a positive sign.  But then she did not respond afterwards when I wrote her a nice note. That seemed like a darker sign.

and then we had what seemed like a nice chat on the phone. She said she had been expecting to text me later that night. That’s encouraging.  We almost were able to make plans for yesterday, but I do understand that she had other plans already, and she seems like a lady of her word. But she did choose something else other than getting together with someone that could be a potential partner for her, if she felt the same kind of vibes that I did. But that’s her. Not me.  It’s not a good look.

Or, these signs could tell us that she’s just patient, and knows that we’re going to get together soon anyway.  I’ll tell you this: if the shoes were on the opposite feet, and I was going to get together with my friend to go to a guitar store, I’d be saying, “see ya, friend, I’ve got a great date lined up. We’ll get together next weekend“. Without question. Without a doubt. Without even thinking about it. So in that light, she doesn’t seem that eager to be spontaneous and make things happen. 

And then I thought it might be a sign that she sent me a fairly detached dry text yesterday to let me know she chose shopping… Was kind of a “oh, well, I chose her, have a nice day“. Didn’t feel hugely encouraging.  Didn’t even really feel caring. And that could be a stretch. But that’s kind of what it felt like. Words matter.

then there’s the sign on her dating profile that shows that she has been on there within the last handful of hours. She hadn’t been on it for a few days, which brought me a little bit of relief that she’s not necessarily out with other guys, but why wouldn’t she be? I should be trying to move forward with other opportunities as well, and I halfheartedly open the app about once a day, and I just look at all the girls that they matched me with and I feel little hope. 

I sometimes wonder if I am a little bit like a number to this lady. On her dating profile, she says her favorite subject in school was math. So she may be a Numbers lady. I might just be another number. A possibility.  A kind of statistic.  To her, this could be like diagnosing a patient… There’s plenty of possibilities, so she’s going to follow all of the information and then eventually make a careful decision as to what to diagnose. I may just be one of the symptoms. That doesn’t feel good to me, nor does it feel hopeful.  I’m not judging her for that, and I don’t begrudge her. She deserves that. She deserves to find what she wants and to use her own process. It’s just hard for me to be that patient. I’m not getting any younger.

I would think that if she felt the same kind of connection that I did, rather than being on the dating site last night, she would send me a gentle text saying, “I hope you had a nice night, sorry I didn’t get to see you yesterday”.  That’s not the way she rolls clearly, and I can’t decipher what that really means. It probably means that she’s a much well more well-rounded person than I am, and has lots of connections. I may just be one of them.  A potential connection. I don’t know if that would be a good fit for me to just be one small part of someone’s larger picture. I’m getting ahead of myself, obviously.

that’s why I think I have gotten so anxious and even a little depressed over this situation. I can’t remember the last time that I enjoyed somebody and felt so connected so quickly. And that does happen mutually for people from time to time. Probably happens a lot of time. Just not for me.

I was reading an article in the New York Times this morning about a lady that lived in the city that I used to live in… She was 37 years old, living in New York City, and was not partnered. She was depressed, and was described as often alone in her apartment curled up in a fetal position crying, feeling a lack of hope that she would ever find the kind of partner that almost all of her friends had, most of whom were married.  I could empathize with that feeling of being alone, and not understanding how life has seemingly left some people behind, at least in the romantic department. I get it. I’ve lived it. 

this lady in the article said she had all but given up on dating apps, but all of a sudden, this guy appeared on there and they matched… They texted back-and-forth furiously for about five days, got together, and from that point on they were inseparable. They had three dates in three nights in a row, and within several months, he moved in with her. They were married one year later.  That’s what it looks like to feel a connection, at least to me.

so, it certainly could happen, but the signs don’t show that here. For whatever reason I can’t put my finger on, maybe all of the reasons that we’ve already discussed, there are just so many things that make it seem unlikely that this girl and I are going to head toward anything other than me ending up with a broken heart and alone. Once again. 

I do expect we will talk or text at least once this week… I don’t know if or when I should text her, or maybe just wait for her to text me… And then I will definitely call her later in the week to check in and finalize a plan. And I’ll take the steps I need to take, and greet her with a positive attitude and a smile on my face, just like I did last time. 

i’m not sure I’ll have a lot of control over what will happen after that. I’ll put my best foot forward, and be the best person that I can be under those circumstances… Just like I did a week ago today. It’s already been a week, and it’s hard to imagine. Time goes by so quickly… We have to embrace every moment when we can.

[Whirling D]

22 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

WhirlingD, I have been (trying to follow) / following what's going on in your life and wish I could participate in the conversation!  I am having issues with the length of the posts and stream-of-consciousness  style of dictation to the app in use.  I am a nobody here on the forums, so if you are not amenable to editing down the length of the posts - I get it!  🙂 Wish you all the best and hope that a lovely lady lands in your life...

Thank you… I appreciate that. I’m working on it! Seems like I’ve always been working on it. A lot of good that’s done… 🙂

Stream of consciousness… Yeah, that’s how I roll. That’s how I purge. I use the dictation feature on my iPad, which allows it to come out quickly.

i’m sorry they are long and wandering, but it is what it is.

I know there are many that are frustrated by that, and it will probably get worse this week, since I’ve been with my daughter since Friday, which eases things a bit, but that will be changing over the next 10 days, where there will be a lot of open space and time to fill.  Ughhh.

I do have a performance coming up early next month… First one since late November. The fact that my band has pretty much been inactive is troubling, but the performance is something I’m looking forward to. That’ll keep me occupied somewhat. It already has.

thank you for your well wishes. Cross your toes for me… 🙂  x

[Whirling D]

5 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

Thanks everybody.

Despite feeling a bit anxious, and the lack of real confidence in this situation, my expectation is to still move forward, and do all the things that I’ve been doing… Contact her once in a while. Maybe text. Wait to see if she texts.  Plan our outing for next weekend.

but yes, I am feeling a bit down about it. Maybe a lot today.  Kind of sad. Knowing that I don’t meet ladies that I connect with and date hardly ever at all, and feeling such a strong vibe with this lady last weekend, but getting all kinds of lukewarm signs…

I do know they are just signs, and signs can lead you in different directions, sometimes astray. Depending.  We’ve seen this multiple times with this lady already.  
 

Signs… sigh…
 

I thought it might be a good sign that she texted me on Wednesday out of the blue just to say hi… I felt appreciated…  Ecstatic, really. That seem like such a positive sign.  But then she did not respond afterwards when I wrote her a nice note. That seemed like a darker sign.

and then we had what seemed like a nice chat on the phone. She said she had been expecting to text me later that night. That’s encouraging.  We almost were able to make plans for yesterday, but I do understand that she had other plans already, and she seems like a lady of her word. But she did choose something else other than getting together with someone that could be a potential partner for her, if she felt the same kind of vibes that I did. But that’s her. Not me.  It’s not a good look.

Or, these signs could tell us that she’s just patient, and knows that we’re going to get together soon anyway.  I’ll tell you this: if the shoes were on the opposite feet, and I was going to get together with my friend to go to a guitar store, I’d be saying, “see ya, friend, I’ve got a great date lined up. We’ll get together next weekend“. Without question. Without a doubt. Without even thinking about it. So in that light, she doesn’t seem that eager to be spontaneous and make things happen. 

And then I thought it might be a sign that she sent me a fairly detached dry text yesterday to let me know she chose shopping… Was kind of a “oh, well, I chose her, have a nice day“. Didn’t feel hugely encouraging.  Didn’t even really feel caring. And that could be a stretch. But that’s kind of what it felt like. Words matter.

then there’s the sign on her dating profile that shows that she has been on there within the last handful of hours. She hadn’t been on it for a few days, which brought me a little bit of relief that she’s not necessarily out with other guys, but why wouldn’t she be? I should be trying to move forward with other opportunities as well, and I halfheartedly open the app about once a day, and I just look at all the girls that they matched me with and I feel little hope. 

I sometimes wonder if I am a little bit like a number to this lady. On her dating profile, she says her favorite subject in school was math. So she may be a Numbers lady. I might just be another number. A possibility.  A kind of statistic.  To her, this could be like diagnosing a patient… There’s plenty of possibilities, so she’s going to follow all of the information and then eventually make a careful decision as to what to diagnose. I may just be one of the symptoms. That doesn’t feel good to me, nor does it feel hopeful.  I’m not judging her for that, and I don’t begrudge her. She deserves that. She deserves to find what she wants and to use her own process. It’s just hard for me to be that patient. I’m not getting any younger.

I would think that if she felt the same kind of connection that I did, rather than being on the dating site last night, she would send me a gentle text saying, “I hope you had a nice night, sorry I didn’t get to see you yesterday”.  That’s not the way she rolls clearly, and I can’t decipher what that really means. It probably means that she’s a much well more well-rounded person than I am, and has lots of connections. I may just be one of them.  A potential connection. I don’t know if that would be a good fit for me to just be one small part of someone’s larger picture. I’m getting ahead of myself, obviously.

that’s why I think I have gotten so anxious and even a little depressed over this situation. I can’t remember the last time that I enjoyed somebody and felt so connected so quickly. And that does happen mutually for people from time to time. Probably happens a lot of time. Just not for me.

I was reading an article in the New York Times this morning about a lady that lived in the city that I used to live in… She was 37 years old, living in New York City, and was not partnered. She was depressed, and was described as often alone in her apartment curled up in a fetal position crying, feeling a lack of hope that she would ever find the kind of partner that almost all of her friends had, most of whom were married.  I could empathize with that feeling of being alone, and not understanding how life has seemingly left some people behind, at least in the romantic department. I get it. I’ve lived it. 

this lady in the article said she had all but given up on dating apps, but all of a sudden, this guy appeared on there and they matched… They texted back-and-forth furiously for about five days, got together, and from that point on they were inseparable. They had three dates in three nights in a row, and within several months, he moved in with her. They were married one year later.  That’s what it looks like to feel a connection, at least to me.

so, it certainly could happen, but the signs don’t show that here. For whatever reason I can’t put my finger on, maybe all of the reasons that we’ve already discussed, there are just so many things that make it seem unlikely that this girl and I are going to head toward anything other than me ending up with a broken heart and alone. Once again. 

I do expect we will talk or text at least once this week… I don’t know if or when I should text her, or maybe just wait for her to text me… And then I will definitely call her later in the week to check in and finalize a plan. And I’ll take the steps I need to take, and greet her with a positive attitude and a smile on my face, just like I did last time. 

i’m not sure I’ll have a lot of control over what will happen after that. I’ll put my best foot forward, and be the best person that I can be under those circumstances… Just like I did a week ago today. It’s already been a week, and it’s hard to imagine. Time goes by so quickly… We have to embrace every moment when we can.

And just saying… You are no longer a nobody on this forum, because you are somebody to me… And I appreciate that! 

[gamon]

8 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

she did choose something else other than getting together with someone that could be a potential partner for her, if she felt the same kind of vibes that I did.

a sign that she sent me a fairly detached dry text yesterday to let me know she chose shopping… Was kind of a “oh, well, I chose her, have a nice day“. Didn’t feel hugely encouraging.

then there’s the sign on her dating profile that shows that she has been on there within the last handful of hours.

wonder if I am a little bit like a number to this lady.

I would think that if she felt the same kind of connection that I did, rather than being on the dating site last night, she would send me a gentle text saying, “I hope you had a nice night, sorry I didn’t get to see you yesterday”. 

there are just so many things that make it seem unlikely that this girl and I are going to head toward anything other than me ending up with a broken heart and alone. Once again. 

I do expect we will talk or text at least once this week

i’m not sure I’ll have a lot of control over what will happen after that.

In order of the quotes above:

She chose hanging with a friend over seeing a potential dating partner who was willing to drive to where she was- no inconvenience to her and you were only looking for a relatively short period of time together. The two of you are definitely not on the same page.

Yes her text was dry, detached, and uncaring. You read it correctly.

She's been on the dating profile recently after being off it for a while. That's a very bad sign.

She has become your entire world since you first met her, yet to her, you are in fact, as you succinctly put it, just a number. Who knows if she's even being truthful about who she's with? She could be on a date with some other guy. People lie all the time, especially about stuff like that.

Yes if she felt a connection she probably would have sent an encouraging text. But you get nothing other than silence. Bad, bad sign.

I agree that there are many signs you will be brokenhearted and alone. I suggest you focus on other things and stop obsessing over her.

It's fair to say you will talk or text at least once in the upcoming week- unless she ghosts you.

You're not sure if you have any control over what happens? You HAVE NO CONTROL. She's a person not an object.

 

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

but getting all kinds of lukewarm signs…

I do know they are just signs, and signs can lead you in different directions, sometimes astray. Depending.  We’ve seen this multiple times with this lady already.  

So to me signs are irrelevant at this point.

Only relevance if your goal is to date someone who wants to date you (meaning if you want - flattery/ego stroking/to know if she "likes" you even if she's not interested in dating you - that's not what you seem to be going for).  Only relevant stuff is - does she enthusiastically agree to see you again, make a plan and follow through and/or does she ask you out on a date she plans in advance time and place.

Anything else is fun for certain people to think about -but not for you -you go directly to overthinking/overanalyzing, prioritizing so-called "signs" and vibes based on first impressions -so it's you getting in your own way. 

If you truly want to date this person -go on a real first date -there are no relevant signs -you're fortunate because if she wants to go on a real first date with you -she'll make the plan and follow  through and show up/look nice/be nice and take on the effort of 50% of the conversation.  That's all there is to it.  

I met many men with awesome vibes/signs/nice words who never ended up asking me out.  One I remember was on my call waiting when I was talking to another guy - I went to his call and he said "I'd like to talk to you at some point about why I didn't ask you out" - I clicked back to the guy I'd originally been talking to . Did I ever call him back -heck no -who has time to hear how amazing they are but "I'm not ready" (which was likely the case based on our date).  I had one guy exclaim loudly three times during our first meet I'M GOING TO CALL YOU!!!!

He called.  Three weeks later.  With a voicemail with some lame non-excuse excuse.  No I didn't return his call.  His "signs" of what he was going to do meant nothing - if he'd wanted to date me he'd have called in an appropriate amount of time and asked me out on a date.  Stop with the "signs" no matter what notions you have of how intuitive and insightful and wise you are -in this context - you're getting in your own way big time.

[gamon]

To me, signs are not irrelevant.

This poor dude has made her the center of his world and she's hanging on by less than a thread.

Except for 1 or 2 text checking in she's done nothing to demonstrate she's got more than a passing interest yet to him she's become an obsession.

I've dated countless women and when they're interested, which is most of the time I get clear signs of responsiveness and willingness to engage, communicate regularly and see me again- right from the starting gate.

If I was dealing with this level of disinterest she'd be nothing more than a member of a relatively long list of potential dating prospects, she'd be the furthest thing from my mind until I found myself with no impending dates at which point I might circle back and give her a call a few weeks later.

 

[Whirling D]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So to me signs are irrelevant at this point.

Only relevance if your goal is to date someone who wants to date you (meaning if you want - flattery/ego stroking/to know if she "likes" you even if she's not interested in dating you - that's not what you seem to be going for).  Only relevant stuff is - does she enthusiastically agree to see you again, make a plan and follow through and/or does she ask you out on a date she plans in advance time and place.

Anything else is fun for certain people to think about -but not for you -you go directly to overthinking/overanalyzing, prioritizing so-called "signs" and vibes based on first impressions -so it's you getting in your own way. 

If you truly want to date this person -go on a real first date -there are no relevant signs -you're fortunate because if she wants to go on a real first date with you -she'll make the plan and follow  through and show up/look nice/be nice and take on the effort of 50% of the conversation.  That's all there is to it.  

I met many men with awesome vibes/signs/nice words who never ended up asking me out.  One I remember was on my call waiting when I was talking to another guy - I went to his call and he said "I'd like to talk to you at some point about why I didn't ask you out" - I clicked back to the guy I'd originally been talking to . Did I ever call him back -heck no -who has time to hear how amazing they are but "I'm not ready" (which was likely the case based on our date).  I had one guy exclaim loudly three times during our first meet I'M GOING TO CALL YOU!!!!

He called.  Three weeks later.  With a voicemail with some lame non-excuse excuse.  No I didn't return his call.  His "signs" of what he was going to do meant nothing - if he'd wanted to date me he'd have called in an appropriate amount of time and asked me out on a date.  Stop with the "signs" no matter what notions you have of how intuitive and insightful and wise you are -in this context - you're getting in your own way big time.

I think you are right, I do get in my own way, but there’s good news… I still move forward. I still put 1 foot in front of the other, and I still, mostly, get on with my day.

I tend to live in two moments… The exact present, and the potential future. When something enters my life that seems like it could drastically alter my potential future, and in a really favorable way, I get pretty anxious. Whether bad or good.

so, I’m only getting in my own way, I think, because I sit down here and start thinking out loud into my iPad. And it does take a lot of my time and energy. That’s why I wonder if this is a worthy endeavor…

but, I get contrasting opinions on here about these, “signs“. Some would say it’s obvious. I’m low priority. My therapist says… Just enjoy the ride and take each step as it comes. I go back-and-forth between those, depending on where my head is at.

but we keep on keeping on.

[gamon]

4 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

I think you are right, I do get in my own way, but there’s good news… I still move forward. I still put 1 foot in front of the other, and I still, mostly, get on with my day.

I tend to live in two moments… The exact present, and the potential future. When something enters my life that seems like it could drastically alter my potential future, and in a really favorable way, I get pretty anxious. Whether bad or good.

so, I’m only getting in my own way, I think, because I sit down here and start thinking out loud into my iPad. And it does take a lot of my time and energy. That’s why I wonder if this is a worthy endeavor…

Who cares how you live and how you think out loud into your ipad and that you put one front in front of the other or if you think it's a worthy endeavor? You already had one poster honestly tell you they won't read your posts because they're so full of drivel. I skim past them and try to find actual facts- which comprise about 2% of the BS you spew on here page after page. It's irrelevant, boring, and self centered.

 I bet you do this with women you meet. It's one of the main reasons you continue to fail.

Again- No..one..CARES

 

 

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, gamon said:

To me, signs are not irrelevant.

This poor dude has made her the center of his world and she's hanging on by less than a thread.

Except for 1 or 2 text checking in she's done nothing to demonstrate she's got more than a passing interest yet to him she's become an obsession.

I've dated countless women and when they're interested, which is most of the time I get clear signs of responsiveness and willingness to engage, communicate regularly and see me again- right from the starting gate.

If I was dealing with this level of disinterest she'd be nothing more than a member of a relatively long list of potential dating prospects, she'd be the furthest thing from my mind until I found myself with no impending dates at which point I might circle back and give her a call a few weeks later.

 

Oh I see what you're saying.  Let me clarify -signs of interest in dating are irrelevant at this stage - a person interested in dating plans a date time and place or accepts a planned date with interest/enthusiasm.  Signs of non-interest/lukewarm are not.  I agree with you.  I asked out men and I would not have asked out a man who wasn't responsive in how you're describing.  I also said no to last minute dates/afterthought type invitations as signs of not enough interest.

I have done the same with forming platonic friendships.  A woman I suggested a meeting to in February followed up recently.  I am willing to meet her but I'm not going to pull out all the stops to do so because obviously she is not doing the same for me.  Like that.  But on the flip side if someone says to me "we should get coffee sometime" I don't see that as interest in getting coffee. Only if she then follows up with a specific date and time and place.

I went on a few dates with a guy I was super interested in so when he said casually "so what do you have going on next weekend?" I smiled coyly and said "a date with you!!"  To me that's the level of interest (even if the words are not as forward and presumptuous as mine were -yes we kept dating).

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

My therapist says… Just enjoy the ride and take each step as it comes.

This is great advice for someone looking to casually date once in awhile.  I didn't find much enjoyment out of first meets/messaging/being set up/going to events and resorts and volunteering to meet people - unless I was there separately to enjoy the event (like volunteering - I loved it -and yes I met a boy there - he pursued me but I already had a boyfriend) - had I been looking to casually date then for sure your therapist's advice is spot on.  That cliche wouldn't have worked for me when my goal was marriage and family.