Dr. Lady check in…

[Whirling D]

Hi again…

i’m sure many of you don’t want to talk to me, and that’s OK. People aren’t always at their best when they are down and struggling. I feel a little bit better today.

i’d like to check in about the doctor lady thing, and for those of you that are still interested, I still would value some feedback.

I hesitate to come back on here. I talked with my psychologist, yes a PhD specialist, yesterday, and told her a lot of what was going on, at length, and for the most part, she couldn’t have been happier about how things have been going with the doctor lady…

She was more concerned about me being on here, after I told her many of the things that many people said on here… She shook her head and couldn’t believe some of the things that some people on here said, regarding the doctor lady thing, and also the opinions and feedback.  

believe it or not, and I’ll probably take some flack for this, even though I try to be very accurate in reporting what I said and what some people on here said, she pretty much agreed with a lot of what I told her that I said… there was virtually nothing that I told her that I did with the doctor lady that she thought was a big deal. At all.  and she wouldn’t BS me.  She’d tell me. 

This makes me believe that there is a fair amount of a cultural difference between how people think and how they manage themselves.  I live in a fairly progressive part of the US, and when I say progressive, I mean that people think about things in a fairly “modern“ perspective. There likely couldn’t be a bigger divide between progressive thinkers and those who think more traditionally, I suppose.  I suspect this probably sounds condescending to say this, but I just see this as a difference between the way different people within a community think.  People just think differently than each other and respond differently to each other under specific circumstances.  I pretty much conveyed my opinion on things fairly clearly on here, and I even went back and read about 2/3 of every last post just to see if I was kidding myself about what I was presenting. But that was pretty futile, I think.

But it is what it is. And I’d like to move forward. I’ll apologize if I offended anyone, of course I’m long-winded, and of course I’m lonely and don’t have a lot of other portals, and writing is one of the ways of helping with that.

I don’t want a lot of negative energy on here, or I’ll just leave or block you if I can.
 

That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to hear opposing viewpoints. And yes, I will probably try to validate my own perspective on it. I said this 1 million times, but it doesn’t mean I don’t value what you are saying, or that I’m not going to do what you are suggesting. I actually have been doing some of those things. Believe it or not. 

insults are out of bounds. If you call me a name, or say something insulting, I will try to block you or report you. Support and encouragement is mostly what I seek on here, not insults.  I see the good in almost everybody on here, even with those who insult. A little adjustment might go along way, and you guys have been saying that to me for the last 10 days. So be careful what you say, I am a sensitive soul, and I’m going to honor that.

so… Here is where we are at with the doctor lady. Maybe I should break this into a new post…

 

[Whirling D]

I couldn’t call her like I thought I might want to on Thursday night, because I was pretty distraught, mostly because I was caught in the vortex of what was being said on here.

I felt much better yesterday, and the weather was clearing, and that may have a factor, so I picked up the phone and called her.

we had a nice chat. I told her I had some time today if she wanted to do a quick outing. She said she already had plans with a friend to go into the city to go shopping, but that has fallen through before, so if she had a change of plans, we could talk in the morning and go from there. All good.

we also narrowed down that we would get together Saturday next week. I asked her if there was any kinds of things that she might prefer to do, which my psychologist thought was a good and proactive negotiating strategy.  That’s what I was naturally going to do anyway. She said she did like the dog walking idea, and, by the way, when she picked up the phone she said she was going to text me later that night, and that made me feel better about not hearing from her for two days after I texted her last.

so, we know it’s going to be next Saturday, but we both agreed we were OK that we plan specifics later.

now whether or not this is the best approach, I can’t say. Many of you may say that I am giving off weak vibes.  I don’t find that to be an insult, that’s very possible. It’s hard to say. Some ladies like to negotiate and feel like it’s a partnership, I think. It depends what kind of lady she is. I’m trying not to sweat that.

So, she said she would text me this morning and let me know if she was going into the city with her friend. And around 11:30 AM, she finally did… Her text was very brief and somewhat disconnected… “ Hi Whirl, I will b going shopping today.  You have a great day!“

I know a lot of you say that I expect her to be a certain way or do a certain thing, and I’m trying really hard not to read anything into this, but it certainly does seem really dry and disconnected, and as some said the other day, including bat, it sounds low interest.  It somewhat contradicts the nice conversation we had on the phone the night before, which was fun, and engaged, and nice.

i’m trying not to make a big deal of it. And I did what Gamon said… I responded extremely briefly in return and just said, “I figured you were likely going shopping. I hope you have a great day as well!”. No banter, no emoji‘s, just that.  I gave back what I was getting. Thank you, Gamon. Really.  That was helpful.

i’m pretty sure I’ll be seeing her next Saturday, although if it’s only for a dog walk, that seems pretty protected and lame. Almost that feels a bit low interest. Nothing potentially romantic or personal… Although, we did talk about, or I talked about the difficulty with going dog walking if we decided to go out somewhere to sit, or to eat. We kind of brainstormed for a few moments and then dropped the subject. We’ll figure that out later. 

i’ve been busy outside around the house today, because it’s glorious, and I will get back to that right after I finish this, but that did bring my mood down a bit after I got this text… Made me start thinking that perhaps a lot of my belief that her and I are connecting might be in my head. I’m not sure that’s the case. But I can’t say. We’ve only had one meeting, and as Bat would say, there’s no way to know, nor should I expect to know, what’s going on with her, because there’s probably nothing going on with her. as far as she is concerned, I am just a guy that she talked with on a dating site, and has had a few text and telephone conversations with who seems nice.  I guess that’s what secure and stable people think like. Obviously, I am not one of those.

So… Here’s where the questions come… I have some downtime in the evening tonight, and she said that she might stay at her mother’s house which is much closer to where I live, so I thought about texting her later and asking if she wanted to meet at an ice cream place I know that would be about half way between her and her mother’s house.  The contrary side to that is that it feels almost like I’d be pestering her to see her… when she has already made other plans for the day that, truthfully, she probably could have changed if she really wanted to see me, but that’s probably not how I would roll, so I couldn’t expect that.  
 

I don’t think I’m going to reach out to her to offer to get together to go for ice cream tonight, but I wouldn’t mind hearing whether you think that that would be too much and too much pressure, considering we’ve already established next Saturday?  part of me says what do I have to lose?

in conclusion, any overall thoughts about what you are hearing? I know my therapist would have a big smile on her face and say that it sounds like everything is going just fine, and to just remain calm and follow the steps as they come. I think that’s good advice.

Thanks for any encouragement and feedback you might want to offer, even contrary to anything I’ve said. Just please be sensitive.  

[Batya33]

Nothing of what I wrote has to do with progressive/conservative.  To me it's based on decades of dating experiences living in an extremely progressive city if that matters plus basic common sense, basic social skills, basic sense of respect, respecting personal space, the give and take of a budding friendship or dating situation. I'm not a healthcare provider or a psychologist and it's just my personal opinion based on this as well as knowing over the years hundreds of people who were also on the front lines dating as I was including for the years after I went "off the market" lol and got married.

Also trying to respond to what I saw as your constant moving target about what your goals are in dating, why you are dating, your expectations of a first meet or date, etc.

There are major cultural differences in dating - there are cultures and religious practices where a date is really just an introduction right before an engagement and arranged marriage, other religious practices that involve polygamy (so that dating practices I'm sure differ), there are people who live in communes or communities like that where I suppose dating if it happens is different, and for sure casual dating (which you don't say is your goal so I didn't respond in that manner) has a different approach. Also I dated a few British men where I understand you only date one person at a time.

If it means to you that progressive means somehow lots of acceptance of getting to know someone through texting/typing/phone calls you would like to date in the future, lots of leeway for indirect references to the potential to go on a date in the future, lots of leeway for choosing not to make specific plans because you're not really into doing that/not good at it and therefore the other person should understood if things stay tentative and vague -for sure that's not "wrong" - in the major city where I did all my dating a person who took that approach would have the label of "single" or perhaps "still single". 

Which isn't wrong - no one has to change themselves to date as long as they accept that a particular approach or habit (like for example a habit of being contstantly late for plans) - might severely limit if not obliterate the dating pool. I limited my dating pool a lot with my list of musts -had I lived outside the major city I lived in.  But because I did live there it had no real impact on opportunities to date and meet single, available men.

No one is entitled to a date, no one is obligated to date.  So your approach is not wrong.  In a number of respects I find your choices, approaches, excuses, stagnation/inaction/indirectness inconsistent with saying you want to date and ultimately find a partner. Inconsistent meaning it is likely to so limit your dating pool that..... I mean why bother?

At some points it sounded like you were going to ask this woman out on a date you plan in advance.  Maybe you will! Good luck if you do and I hope she says yes.

 

 

 

[Whirling D]

Thank you, Bat.  I have always enjoyed your input and your stories, and most of what I wrote in the previous post it wasn’t directed at you. I don’t feel you need to validate anything you have said or offered.

what I mean by progressive, is… in certain areas of the country/world/community you’ll find vast differences regarding the practices and comfort level of how people do things. I think you are probably close to what your understanding is of progressive.

as much as one may disagree or think otherwise, I’ve spent a good amount of time in my adult life trying to understand why I do what I do, and to try to let go of a lot of the things that hold me back. Clearly, it’s a work in progress, but I’ve made tremendous strides in that regard.  I think people that think progressively try hard in these regards.

I am OK with moving forward and doing things differently, but it has to feel right to me.  I’ve spoken to two people that I think analyze things similarly to me, and two people that I respect, my psychologist and one of my neighbors, and I told them almost every single thing that I did at that first meeting that, truthfully, I took a lot of flack for on here as being “inappropriate“ or, “weird“. Both of these people just rolled their eyes and couldn’t believe that I was listening to that stuff. 

and I don’t want belabor these points, bat.  Your path is different than mine, and your needs are different than mine. You clearly attract men way more than I attract women. That changes the rules of the game significantly. You can’t possibly know what it’s like to walk in my shoes and to try to attract a partner, because you haven’t walked in my shoes.

that being said, what may have worked for you may not work for others. I’m happy for you that you had those experiences. It sounds like they were really good parts of your learning pathway. But my successes have not been like yours, and I can tell you… They have way less to do with how one person is a better “presenter” than I am. I’ve been over that ad nausea, and I’m not gonna keep harping on that either. I know what I know, because I’ve seen it happen over and over again.

your point may be reasonable that you think that my “strategy“ is not likely going to get me what I want, and that is a potential relationship. there may be some truth to that, but I’m doing the best I can. And I also likely have a Second meeting with the doctor lady, despite being told on here over and over that I likely blew it, and that most decent women would have never talk to me again after what I did at that first meeting.  Yet, here we are. … 🙂 

so, moving forward…

The questions I asked, were: is it too much or wise for me to be contacting her and asking her out for an ice cream tonight?  I’m tempted to say I’m gonna leave it and just see her next Saturday, but I’m also thinking that may be fairly weak.  As someone said, probably Gamon, luck favors the bold, or something like that.

lastly, I’m going to try very hard not to say a whole lot on here moving forward. I’ll ask questions, and I’ll hear what people have to say. I’m going to try to stay away from these long posts. Just so you know. I don’t wanna argue anymore.

[Whirling D]

Why bother? Because somewhere, on this planet, hopefully, maybe even likely, there will be a nice lady somewhere that will find my energy attractive, maybe even this doctor lady… And not be offended that I snapped her picture on the first meeting without her approval, or will find it chivalrous and charming that I told her that I wasn’t going to abuse her trust when she gives me her personal information, or thinks it is also thoughtful that I am willing to negotiate what to do and where to go when I am trying to make plans with her.

you never know, Bat. Maybe there’s someone actually out there that thinks more like I do, And doesn’t find those things to be “weird”.  or creepy.  Just maybe.  Maybe it’s this doctor lady. That history has yet to be written. And maybe not.

[Seraphim]

If you have found the advice of two people you value why not stick with that ?

[Whirling D]

Just now, Seraphim said:

If you have found the advice of two people you value why not stick with that ?

That’s a perfectly good point. And they are local.

Believe it or not, I don’t like drawing people I know into this drama, which is why I choose this portal. It’s anonymous and it’s much more immediate.  It’s almost an addiction, and I have to break out of it.  

thank you for that thought. That may be where I am headed.

 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Whirling D said:

she said that she might stay at her mother’s house which is much closer to where I live, so I thought about texting her later and asking if she wanted to meet at an ice cream place I know that would be about half way between her and her mother’s house.

I would not ask her to meet for ice cream. 

I would instead operate under the assumption that she's going to be spending time with her mom, and stick to your plan for next Saturday instead. 

[Whirling D]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I would not ask her to meet for ice cream. 

I would instead operate under the assumption that she's going to be spending time with her mom, and stick to your plan for next Saturday instead. 

Thanks, Canuck… That’s kind of what I’m feeling, as well.

I wish the world were an easier place, where I could just text her and say… “Hey, just had a thought… Wanna join me?“

somebody else said that on here… I don’t know if it was Lost… And he did something like that, after a lot of back-and-forth… Spontaneously just texted the girl and asked her if she was available… They’ve been dating since. He was brave and bold. And it paid off.

but as Gamon says… I should only give as much as I get. Although, I did tell her I only had midday today. So she would have no idea that I could actually be available later, which I didn’t know earlier.

Who knows. Baby steps.

[Whirling D]

17 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I would not ask her to meet for ice cream. 

I would instead operate under the assumption that she's going to be spending time with her mom, and stick to your plan for next Saturday instead. 

 

9 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

Thanks, Canuck… That’s kind of what I’m feeling, as well.

I wish the world were an easier place, where I could just text her and say… “Hey, just had a thought… Wanna join me?“

somebody else said that on here… I don’t know if it was Lost… And he did something like that, after a lot of back-and-forth… Spontaneously just texted the girl and asked her if she was available… They’ve been dating since. He was brave and bold. And it paid off.

but as Gamon says… I should only give as much as I get. Although, I did tell her I only had midday today. So she would have no idea that I could actually be available later, which I didn’t know earlier.

Who knows. Baby steps.

also, she said she spent the afternoon with her mom yesterday, despite possibly going there again tonight, but she didn’t say for sure that’s what she was going to do.

 

that is some thing else that I found out or thought of that might be relevant if her and I start dating… She can always stay at her mothers house when she needs to, which is much closer… Probably half the distance. Not that she would necessarily want to do that, but that choice could be there for when we are just getting to know each other.
 

She even said that yesterday on the phone that maybe if her and I hung out today that she could just stay at her moms.

[MissCanuck]

12 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

I wish the world were an easier place, where I could just text her and say… “Hey, just had a thought… Wanna join me?“

It's not about having an easier time of this, really. And there's nothing to say you won't get to that point. 

In this case, I think it's simply being mindful that she's with her mom. That's all. Don't over-complicate it for yourself. She is happy to see you next week, so roll with that. 

[gamon]

Does she know her mom lives near you? If so, that's a red flag because she's not an idiot and she could have come to the same conclusion- that it would be convenient to visit with you since she's nearby anyway. It's possible however unlikely that the thought never occurred to her.

If it was me I would drop her a quick text- "Hi, I just thought of something.. since you'll be nearby and we can't make our schedules work for another week, why don't we meet up and grab some ice cream or whatever and spend a few minutes together?"

You really don't have much to lose. Her response might give you a better idea where her head is at and you thrive on knowing- it's that much less ruminating you might otherwise do.

Between her mom living near you, and having a place for you to walk your dogs, and the possibility that she could be a mother to your daughter and someone to help you deal with your various mental problems since she's a doctor, she's your perfect match. I hope it works out for you.

 

[Cherylyn]

It doesn't hurt to ask her if she'd like to meet for ice cream.  The worst she could do is decline but it doesn't rule out your future opportunities to be with her when both schedules are doable.

As for your earlier post on this thread about progressive / modern / traditional / cultural differences,  it really depends on what you're referring to.  Are you referring to emotional intelligence and empathy?  If yes,  I do believe there are cultural differences because I've experienced some cultures that do not comprehend how to treat others as if they matter.  Between even minor language barriers or not quite grasping direct translations,  it has been problematic for me to get through to another person.  We're not on the same wavelength because they did not grow up being perceptive enough to think carefully about being considerate of others.  Some cultures are not about "feelings" nor caring about emotional intelligence because it's not how they habitually navigate conversations in their country.  I've experienced this fact, firsthand.  To me,  trying to explain or teach them how it's NOT the way to treat others is to no avail. 

As for progressive / modern / traditional differences regarding how to treat others,  I truly believe it crosses all facets of life no matter who it is regarding empathy and emotional intelligence especially where I am in the US.  It either boils down to how you were raised or how you've since changed your thought process due to positive role models and influences in one's life.  For example,  I was very much reminiscent of my siblings and parents (mother / late father) regarding not knowing how to navigate conversations whether verbal or written form.  They say and do whatever they want;  consequences be darned.  They get away with it because there were never any punishments.  They do not seem to care that there's a price to pay for one's folly,  apathy,  ignorance and indifference.  Narcissists and empathic types are incompatible or so I've learned the hard way.  It doesn't have anything to do with progressive / modern / traditional differences.  Either people possess emotional intelligence or they do not.  There is no in between. 

My viewpoint is that emotional intelligence or lack thereof makes or breaks ALL relationships.  It is the crux of the matter.  Without emotional intelligence (empathy) between two people in a dialogue in any form,  ALL relationships are doomed for failure.   This includes relationships with family,  friends,  partners,  spouses,  colleagues,  all of them.  No one is spared. 

Emotional intelligence is a delicate dance.  It means to think before one speaks and think before one writes.  Think of the other person with consideration in mind.  Unfortunately,  this trait is sorely lacking amongst some people in my life.  This is regardless of political or religious affiliations. 

For situations in my life, I have no other recourse than to enforce very strong boundaries with them because I've since exhausted all other "being nice" avenues which had failed miserably. 

[Whirling D]

Yes, I think she knows that her mother lives about 45 minutes from me, more or less. That was part of our conversation last night as to whether it would make sense for us to get together for a brief visit today. At least it shows she was thinking out loud as to how we could make a visit work. Who knows what else she was thinking.

as Canuck said, I feel inclined to not push things. There wasn’t any talk of any time in between like during the week, that we could get together so we were focusing only on today or next Saturday… I may try to arrange my schedule this week to have different day off rather than Thursday, which is when she says she does Pilates, Presuming every week.  If we talk before that time spontaneously, maybe I could see if she would be available any of the other night.

good to hear from you, Gamon.  Maybe we are like coworkers or siblings, they don’t always agree with each other, and sometimes argue about things, but in the end, I actually care what you think. Go figure… :-)

[Whirling D]

But I’m still thinking about it… :-) What else is new… :-)

[bluecastle]

I don’t think asking her for ice cream, or not, is going to move the needle any way here. But since you already have a date for Sat, I‘d just stick to that, mainly because I’d be worried about how her not being available for a spontaneous ice cream has the potential to be interpreted negatively. 

Sat is three seconds away in the scheme of things. Stay busy, do things that bring you joy and curb the self-studying, and you’ll be golden. 

[Sindy_0311]

31 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

But I’m still thinking about it… 🙂 What else is new… 🙂

I wouldn’t ask her for the ice cream because you already mentioned she was going to be closer and you didn’t discussed that possibility on the phone. So no need to ask now, it’s too late. And I would rather not propose late minute meets at this point. 
Two weeks ago, a guy invited me to visit him on a Saturday night. He asked one week before. But then on Wednesday night he asked whether we could see each other for some minutes, and i declined because I wasn’t in the mood. I tend to separate my working week to my dates, I don’t like spontaneous plans because I’m too focused on my work, my son or whatever goes on in my life during the week. I don’t think your lady would appreciate last minute plan as she is a busy woman and you already set a date for next Saturday. She might appreciate you both can wait until then to spend some quality time together. 

[Whirling D]

28 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I don’t think asking her for ice cream, or not, is going to move the needle any way here. But since you already have a date for Sat, I‘d just stick to that, mainly because I’d be worried about how her not being available for a spontaneous ice cream has the potential to be interpreted negatively. 

Sat is three seconds away in the scheme of things. Stay busy, do things that bring you joy and curb the self-studying, and you’ll be golden. 

Thank you blue…

That seems to be my default plan… Wait until Saturday.

Not sure I follow your thinking about how it could be interpreted negatively… That I would judge her for not being spontaneous, or she would feel pressure and that might have a negative consequence?

[Whirling D]

20 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I wouldn’t ask her for the ice cream because you already mentioned she was going to be closer and you didn’t discussed that possibility on the phone. So no need to ask now, it’s too late. And I would rather not propose late minute meets at this point. 
Two weeks ago, a guy invited me to visit him on a Saturday night. He asked one week before. But then on Wednesday night he asked whether we could see each other for some minutes, and i declined because I wasn’t in the mood. I tend to separate my working week to my dates, I don’t like spontaneous plans because I’m too focused on my work, my son or whatever goes on in my life during the week. I don’t think your lady would appreciate last minute plan as she is a busy woman and you already set a date for next Saturday. She might appreciate you both can wait until then to spend some quality time together. 

thank you Sindy. Nice to hear from you.

The only variable with your thought is that I didn’t know I would have a little chunk of time tonight when I was talking with her on the phone… But I don’t feel like I want to try to overdo things.

it was hugely helpful to talk it out with people I trust, like my neighbor and my therapist, and my therapist certainly said… “Just take your time and let things evolve organically. It’s either going to happen or it’s not“

but I also “heard“ what other people on here said over the last few days, which is, there is only a small likelihood she is not talking to a bunch of other guys, and if I don’t step up to the plate, somebody else will. That is a valid concern, and I do think about that.

it’s so funny that I analyze something like a stupid little text that she sent to me this morning. If I thought I liked someone and thought they were really nice, I’d probably be trying to let them know that in so many simple ways… “Hi Dr. lady, sorry to say, I won’t be able to join you today because my friend wanted to go shopping after all, and I do wanna honor the plans I made with her, plus i’ve been looking forward to spending time with her!  But, I will certainly look forward to seeing you next weekend, and maybe if something else comes up before then when you have a little free time, let me know, and maybe we can figure something out?“

that’s probably what I would do. But that’s me. I don’t know if her not being a little more accommodating says anything. After all, she could have skipped Pilates on Thursday, but that would be asking a lot.

or how about telling her friend, “you know, I met this really nice guy last weekend, and he’s asked me to get together on Saturday for a short visit… Do you think we could go into Boston on Sunday, or maybe next weekend?“ I mean, that would be a no-brainer for me.  Maybe.  I think.

It does make me feel a little low on her priority list. But then again, that’s crystal ball thinking, and I have no idea.

fabulously nice outside here right now, and what a difference that can make in mental health. I got outside a bit and did some yardwork, and it’s not cold rainy and depressing. I’m sure there’s some barometric pressure at work with that, as well… 🙂

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Whirling D said:

Why bother? Because somewhere, on this planet, hopefully, maybe even likely, there will be a nice lady somewhere that will find my energy attractive, maybe even this doctor lady… And not be offended that I snapped her picture on the first meeting without her approval, or will find it chivalrous and charming that I told her that I wasn’t going to abuse her trust when she gives me her personal information, or thinks it is also thoughtful that I am willing to negotiate what to do and where to go when I am trying to make plans with her.

you never know, Bat. Maybe there’s someone actually out there that thinks more like I do, And doesn’t find those things to be “weird”.  or creepy.  Just maybe.  Maybe it’s this doctor lady. That history has yet to be written. And maybe not.

Yes. You’re entitled to your standard about the more remote possibilities given your opinions and perspectives on yourself and how you choose to interact with people. Exactly why I wrote what I wrote above - no entitlement to dating and no obligation to date and totally entitled to limit your dating pool as you see fit. I have just seen you complain a lot about so called unfairness and the woe is me I’m not an alpha male and no one likes long hair or beta males. It’s the complaints I don’t relate to while in this previous post you accepted the limited dated pool given your standards and musts. 

it is just my personal experience plus the experiences of hundreds of people of a vast age range I’ve known closely and less closely since around 1980. Totally get that’s not everyone’s. I mean I didn’t live among arranged marriages (some of my friends did) or a polygamous community or a commune. I was allowed to date starting around age 13, I had a traditional family set up in a major city and I wasn’t close with people who lived in rural areas or on farms or who were very wealthy.
 I was an educated professional by my 20s dating almost exclusively other educated professionals. As were the majority of my friends although a few married blue collar men, police officers, artists. I dated a number of men heavily involved in the arts.  A few did that as their day job and most didn’t. One man I dated a few times is a rather famous artist and another man I dated for a few months is a rather well known radio personality. When I dated them they were sort of making it financially. Now years later they are doing much better financially and stayed in their creative careers. 

I was heavily involved in the arts for many years despite not being an artist. I had friends of all different racial and ethnic backgrounds and still do. I only dated within my ethnic background. 

I never ever wanted to settle. At the same time I traded any insistence on having musts that weren’t realistic either given my personal characteristics or my geography by either reevaluating or changing things up. Like I said I moved to a high rent district as soon as I could in my late 20s to vastly increase my chances of having a good social life and finding a suitable husband.
But if hypothetically I’d moaned about how 20 something men didn’t want to date me when I was only in my early 30s even though I looked much younger that would have been silly since I wanted babies and why should a 20 something man who wanted babies settle for having to have babies faster than he desired because of his old lady’s ticking clock ? Some of my friends did moan about this. I didn’t relate to their pity party. I totally got it.
 

One time I met a really handsome guy at a gathering who was probably 24 and I was probably 31.  6-7 years is really not much. And I knew that a handsome successful driven guy like him was going to go for a woman his age or younger if he was a family guy so I flirted minimally lol. (Yes he became famous in local politics in my major city yes he married a lovely young woman).

More examples I can note like that. I’m not bitter about it at all that I was out of the running for a younger man like that. I totally accepted it.

But I see that you think it shouldn’t matter if you’re financially unstable and or underemployed to a woman who is. It might not. Like the younger guy might not have cared. But to me it’s about reality and probability.

I didn’t have time for remote possibilities. You seem to. You do you. This woman who is a doctor and likely financially stable seems to be interested in going on a first date with you. So she might have her own reasons for not caring a bit about what job you have or don’t have. Totally cool. If you choose to ask her out or if she asks you out on a first date you’ll find out more on that front. Good luck. 

[Sindy_0311]

35 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

It does make me feel a little low on her priority list.

Your not a priority yet because she doesn’t know you and neither knows what your intentions are…

 I have been dating many guys. I’m not a ten but I’m skinny, blond, and still OK for my forties. Men often come very strong in the beginning, often they say things I’d rather not hear so soon, and many of them disappeared once they got what they wanted. (I used to sleep to soon with some of them) It’s not easy to find someone you can really connect with. Currently I’m dating 4 guys and seeing where it goes, without any pressure, just enjoying the time spent but none of them is a priority because none of them asked for exclusivity and neither did I. I think this is the right approach to dating nowadays. You don’t give guys/ladies the place they deserve in your life unless they really want to be a part of it. You don’t know your lady yet, she is just someone you saw once. Maybe she has other guys in her mind, but what will make a difference is consistency. Text her every day, every 3 days, meet her every 2 weeks, it doesn’t matter as long as you show consistency and don’t come to strong in the beginning. Me personally, I’d rather appreciate a guy I see every two weeks, who texts me once every 2/3 days than someone texting me every hour saying he loves me after just one meet.

[Batya33]

For me I liked seeing a new guy about once a week and hearing from him about once or twice a week and maybe a few emails as long as we already had another date set up. Typically after 6-8 weeks of dating a man who was into me would ask me to be exclusive.
 If we decided on that we’d start seeing each other more often. I personally wouldn’t have liked texting non stop with a new guy but I didn’t own a cell phone (other than for a few weeks in 2003) until 2009 in my third trimester lol. It was a flip phone. 

I didn’t like being crowded in any way by a new guy whether it was constant phone calls or emails. I liked getting to know a man over a period of time and like I said like unwrapping layers of a package. It was a bit different if we already knew each other well. 
good luck Sindy with your dating and I hope you’re having fun and enjoying!

[Jaunty]

24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I liked getting to know a man over a period of time and like I said like unwrapping layers of a package. 

I agree.  The older I get, the more I lean towards "show, don't tell."  It goes both ways.  I want to get to know someone gradually over time by being with them and coming to understand how they function in various circumstances, how they are responding to time together, etc.  Also I prefer to let people get to know me by spending time, not by explaining everything about myself and (over)sharing.  

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I agree.  The older I get, the more I lean towards "show, don't tell."  It goes both ways.  I want to get to know someone gradually over time by being with them and coming to understand how they function in various circumstances, how they are responding to time together, etc.  Also I prefer to let people get to know me by spending time, not by explaining everything about myself and (over)sharing.  

Sometimes the temptation is there for insta-relationships -it can be really exciting! But i was looking for the long term and didn't want to risk it.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Whirling D said:

 my neighbor and my therapist, and my therapist certainly said… “Just take your time and let things evolve organically. It’s either going to happen or it’s not"

This is great advice. Just relax and let things evolve in their own time.