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No time to grieve

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I have 5 siblings. There have been family arguments and so on over the past 20 some years so I was the only child consistently helping and visiting my parents.  My siblings also insisted they needed to live their lives and focus on their families during this time.

Sadley my father recently passed away! As he lay dying my siblings and I promised him we would put aside the past and come together as a family and help mom. I foolishly thought they all would follow through.  However, not much has changed. Yet, they have plenty of opinions on how I should handle things and what possessions they want from the house, as if it's theirs for the taking even though I feel it belongs to our mom.

One of my siblings likes to take at least 3 vacations a year. She then cries because she is all stressed and depressed because she works double shifts or picks up a second job to play catch up on her bills. I am no stranger to stress or depression but wouldn't one nice vacation a year or small less expensive ones work instead. It's like causing the stress yourself by living beyond your means! Plus, it could be my anger speaking but I feel her stress and depression has been and continues to be her excuse for not keeping her word to our father when it seems like some of her actions add to her own stress!

My husband is also upset with my sibling's lack of support. So much so that he forgets that I could use support from him like maybe just an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. I get his anger, but it doesn't help me to yell around about the issues I am already dealing with! 

I have spoken up many times to my siblings and expressed to my husband that I need his support, but it goes nowhere!

I try for outside help like a home nurse to come organize her medications once a week, but she is so private it was like pulling teeth too even accomplish that! 

I am trying to juggle my family, helping my mom and taking a step back when I feel overwhelmed! As far a grieving, I feel I haven't had time to properly grieve the death of my father which brings on other issues. 

Any help, suggestions or support is appreciated!

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Omg I hear you. It is hard being a sandwich generation. Both my husband and I have elderly mothers and our fathers passed . We have our own disabled adult child and we help our mothers as much as we can. Sometimes the elderly become like toddlers and severely stubborn about help. My mother-in-law and father-in-law were like that. Even though they severely needed help, my husband and his sister could not convince them they only wanted their children’s help and that was it. We help all we can but we live several hours away. My mom calls me every time for every little thing even when my brother lives 30 minutes away because she “ doesn’t want to bother him he is so busy” 🤦‍♀️

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15 minutes ago, Here1234 said:

I am trying to juggle my family, helping my mom and taking a step back when I feel overwhelmed

Sorry this is happening. Condolences.

Definitely reach out for medical, community and senior support for your mother.  Also look into bereavement support groups for yourself.

Unfortunately a death in the family often rends things apart more than bringing people together. It often depends on the dynamics beforehand.

As far as your husband, look for his support directly, but he can't help you enlist your siblings for support.

Taking care of yourself is very important at this time.

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My deepest condolences.

When it comes to siblings and the estate who is the executor? I will presume it's your mother, who may or may not be in the best of minds when your sibling come knocking. If it is your mother is the executor of the estate there isn't much you can do if she agrees with what your siblings want.

Unfortunately I think it's best to just focus on your family and mother, and when you get opinions and not help just ignore them. Easier said than done, but you need to focus on what you can control; not the "lavish" lifestyle of your wayward siblings.

With your husband, if he's the forceful type and since he's got a little edge towards your siblings; maybe let him handle their "suggestions."  If they complain, ask them to help rather than be back benchers.

All this is easier said than done.

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Have you thought about grief counseling? I had a client that ran grief counseling groups. They did either online counseling or even had retreats where they would go and open up about their grief. All kinds of people, people losing their spouses, parents, even children. So, if you want somebody to listen, and to be with people who have come through similar experience, you  can maybe find something similar in your area to go. It might help with going through the process of grief. My condolances btw. 

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Thank you all for the advice and support!

My dad did not have a will, he just voiced his wishes to all of us. Even then there was hurt feelings. Some of my siblings wanted something other than what they were given or more than what they got.

Some were mad at me for taking anything my dad wanted me to have. They dubbed me as the favorite, yet they didn't want to put forth the effort themselves. 

So, my mom, who is still of sound mind, made sure she got a will done. I didn't ask details, but she did tell me where she has it put away.

My relationship with my parents, especially my mom came with some emotional scars from my childhood that I have had to overcome. So, I am no stranger to counseling. I have thought of grief counseling but have not yet gone. 





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On 4/21/2023 at 12:03 PM, Here1234 said:

I am trying to juggle my family, helping my mom and taking a step back when I feel overwhelmed!

My heart goes out to you, and I'm sorry for your loss, Here.

When you say 'juggling family,' what does that mean? It looks like it could be your target place to simplify, as in, focus on your children, husband and Mom, but tune out the siblings--let them deal with their own stuff.

If they are critical of you, don't defend yourself--just don't play. Kindly end the call or the visit, and stop responding to them unless and until they apologize and want to play nice.

Wishing you better days ahead.

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