Found messages with his old flame. Should I confront him?

[AlessiaB]

I've been dating my boyfriend for a few months now and so far I think everything has been going great.  Like a normal relationship.  He has some issues, and I know he's had a habit of breaking girls' hearts in the past.  Up until now, he's been a good boyfriend and nothing really concerned me until I saw a message on his phone.  Now normally I would never snoop on a partner's phone but this girl is someone he told me about that he had hooked up with 2 years ago before she left for college.  They've never been in an actual relationship, which is all I know because other than that he hasn't told me anything about her.  They had a LONG conversation on Instagram and it's their first so I don't think they've kept in contact prior to now.  Here are the part that concerned me:

Her: Hey (his name)

Bf: Hey what's up.  I haven't heard from you in forever 

Bf: So now you're in my DMs.  just wanna see how I'm doing?

Her: No it's not just that.  I wanted to hangout with you last summer when I came back until you said all that.  But I still do.

Bf: I can change that real fast by telling you I'm still in a relationship

Her: Oops

Bf:  Girl, you're timing has always been great. Maybe hit me up on March 20th 2024 in a year from now.

Her: Oh so you do have an impending breakup in mind? Yikes

Bf: Anything could happen. U could have a bf by then, but I would still try even if you do. And no, I was NOT thinking abt a breakup.

Her: And yet, you are still talking to me.

The last three lines really worried me.  I can't tell if they are being serious or just messing.  I feel like if he didn't still have a thing for her, he shouldn't even be responding let alone having this whole conversation with her.  His answers are so long and for what? I never entertain other men flirting with me and I ignore all my exes who still text me because I'm in a relationship with him.  It's been two years since they met and to my knowledge, only hooked up once. I really don't know if I should confront him about this but it's really bothering me.

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, AlessiaB said:

 I can't tell if they are being serious or just messing.

It doesn't matter. He shouldn't be talking to other girls like that, period. 

He sounds immature and not really ready for a commitment. He told her he's with you, yes, but this is just gross:

3 minutes ago, AlessiaB said:

Anything could happen. U could have a bf by then, but I would still try even if you do.

I'm sorry. I wouldn't continue dating this guy. 

[Kwothe28]

I mean at least he has a common decency not to cheat but yes, "You know maybe hit me in a year and maybe we both are gona be single then" isnt a reassuring thing for you. You dont usually keep people in "reserve" in case your relationship blows up. Its not really a nice thing to do and yes you should be worried about his overall character.

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, AlessiaB said:

.Her: Oh so you do have an impending breakup in mind? Yikes

Bf: Anything could happen. 

Something about your intuition may have prompted the snooping. When were these messages from? 

You already mentioned he's a heartbreaker.  Dating a player is going to lead to these types of headaches and heartaches.

From this exchange it's clear he's after her and telling her you're  pretty much easily disposable.  That in itself is a reason to run 

He seems immature and untrustworthy. Save yourself a lot of pain and cut your losses now. Keep in mind what you stumbled upon is only a glimpse of how he operates.

It this the same man who sleeps around with people in your friend group?:

https://www.enotalone.com/topic/456149-slept-with-my-best-friend-betrayed-our-other-friends/#comment-5784619

[TacticalLinguine]

I wouldn't even confront. Disrespectful immature people aren't worth the energy, willing to bet money he wouldn't even own up to any of it; therefore causing you more pain and confusion. 

In instances like these I would just ghost. Then probably hit them with a snarky comment about said messages when they ask me what's going on. But that's because I'm a bit of an a-hole.  

[AlessiaB]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Something about your intuition may have prompted the snooping. When were these messages from? 

You already mentioned he's a heartbreaker.  Dating a player is going to lead to these types of headaches and heartaches.

From this exchange it's clear he's after her and telling her you're  pretty much easily disposable.  That in itself is a reason to run 

He seems immature and untrustworthy. Save yourself a lot of pain and cut your losses now. Keep in mind what you stumbled upon is only a glimpse of how he operates.

It this the same man who sleeps around with people in your friend group?:

https://www.enotalone.com/topic/456149-slept-with-my-best-friend-betrayed-our-other-friends/#comment-5784619

Oh no, I made amends with my friend but stopped with that guy. I didn’t think it was worth all of the headache.

This is a new guy, not in my social circle and he isn’t in college.  And yes, reading that came like a shock because I feel as if he doesn’t even take me seriously if he could say anything could happen. Like what the hell have these past few months been of spending nights at each other’s houses, meeting friends, etc? 

if he valued our relationship wouldn’t he have told her to leave him alone and that he’s in a loving relationship with me? I just don’t get it. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, AlessiaB said:

 If he valued our relationship wouldn’t he have told her to leave him alone and that he’s in a loving relationship with me?

If he valued your relationship he wouldn't be coming on to her and telling her you're disposable. He's a player, but you know this. Reflect if you want to be with someone like this or cut your losses for a more sincere man.

[Batya33]

What do you mean "normally" you wouldn't snoop - what's normal about snooping about some long ago relationship? My guess is you invaded his privacy because you got a strong sense things were not as they seemed.

Yes his interactions with her were thoughtless. And gross with the hit me up and putting a timeline on it.  And saying he would pursue her even if she had a boyfriend.  I'd end things without telling him what you did. Simply say you realize the two of you don't have enough in common and you're not feeling comfortable in this relationship.

[smackie9]

SHE contacted him. He told her twice he was in a relationship, no plans for a breakup, etc. He's pacifying her when he said MAYBE for her to reach out in a year if she so desires to. Seriously he don't give a crap about her. I just see him gently dismissing her in hopes she gets the hint to move on. not everyone is going to be rude and tell them to f off.

If you see it as him mackin on her then breakup because that conversation with her cannot be undone. 

[AlessiaB]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

SHE contacted him. He told her twice he was in a relationship, no plans for a breakup, etc. He's pacifying her when he said MAYBE for her to reach out in a year if she so desires to. Seriously he don't give a crap about her. I just see him gently dismissing her in hopes she gets the hint to move on. not everyone is going to be rude and tell them to f off.

If you see it as him mackin on her then breakup because that conversation with her cannot be undone. 

I want to believe this so bad.  But I know that around this time last year she was the one with a boyfriend at college and he was actively trying to break them up.  We were only acquaintances then with some mutual friends at the time, but I remember him telling us about how he wanted to get her away from him, that he wasn't good enough for her, etc.  And she turned him down.  Yea maybe this time she contacted him first but he was the one trying to mess with her relationship the first time around. I just don't get this.  It seems like so much effort for two people who have never dated. 

[boltnrun]

You know, when I was in a relationship and not interested in anyone else, and some guy hit on me, I would say "I'm married, so I'm not interested." Some yahoos would come back with "I don't mind if you're married." And I would come back with "Well, I do. The answer is 'no'."

I certainly wouldn't continue to message them.

You can stay with him and constantly worry about her or anyone else he might decide to hit up. You could sneak looks at his phone when he's not looking. You could live with stress and worry and anxiety 24/7. Or...you could end all of this nonsense by breaking up with him. Doesn't really matter if you "love him!!!" If he's not trustworthy the relationship will suck. 

[Coily]

I read it as him being rather snarky toward her. A bit cruel to her even.

From my perspective, telling a woman to check in a year from now, is very politely hoping she'll take a hike and forget about me. It's a way to ensure that a woman like that won't become vindictive and try to ruin things in a current relationship.

You know him better than strangers on the internet.

[Jaunty]

8 hours ago, AlessiaB said:

Oh no, I made amends with my friend but stopped with that guy. I didn’t think it was worth all of the headache.

How long have you been with this guy?  The post about your friend group which you hung out with "all day every day" was last month.  So you would have been with this guy for less than 2 months - unless you were already dating him when you messed around with your friend?  

The time line is confusing and it makes a difference.  If you've only been with this new guy for a few weeks, you probably should just break up.   It seems like he's not fully committed.   And you will have very little skin in the game after only 4 - 5 weeks.  

If you were messing around with both guys - well, goose, gander, etc.  

[boltnrun]

Yeah, on Feb. 10th you posted about sleeping with a friend and the potential resulting mess so you said you were resolving to stay single and focus on college. Six weeks later you say you've been with this boyfriend "a few months". Did these two situations overlap? Why did you decide to ditch your resolution to stay single and focus on college? Does your boyfriend know about this other "situation" you were involved in?

[gamon]

Busted!

[Cherylyn]

A real man (or woman ~ in case I'm falsely accused of being sexist yet again),  would've shut the text (or convo) down firmly and politely.  He would've told her immediately that he's currently in a relationship and it would be better to be in NC (no contact) mode.  That's the part you need to focus on instead of the entire dialogue. 

Since he has issues and history of breaking a girl's heart 💔,  perhaps you're fair game and only time will tell when it's your turn to experience a broken heart.  💔 ☹️.  If you have misgivings now,  those feelings will never disappear.  Heed your gut and intuition because it's always right on the mark.

[Starlight925]

The comment about checking back a year from now is to keep her on his back burner.

This has little to do with age but more to do with a player mentality.  I'm much older than you, and I've experienced this at my age with men who want to keep their past close by, "just in case".  Yes, even women they never dated.

I don't think snooping is always bad.  Sometimes, it's warranted.  I'd ghost now, and block/delete and move on.  But you do you.

You came here because this made you very uneasy, and you've been given lots of reassurances that you were right.  My advice is to move on and date someone who wouldn't have even responded to this girl.

[smackie9]

4 hours ago, AlessiaB said:

I want to believe this so bad.  But I know that around this time last year she was the one with a boyfriend at college and he was actively trying to break them up.  We were only acquaintances then with some mutual friends at the time, but I remember him telling us about how he wanted to get her away from him, that he wasn't good enough for her, etc.  And she turned him down.  Yea maybe this time she contacted him first but he was the one trying to mess with her relationship the first time around. I just don't get this.  It seems like so much effort for two people who have never dated. 

Whatever he was doing before his commitment to you has no part in your relationship now. People change, their priorities change and I believe his feelings towards her has changed. This was a year ago, and right now he's not jumping at the chance to meet up with her for obvious reasons...because he's with YOU. 

[catfeeder]

13 hours ago, Coily said:

I read it as him being rather snarky toward her. A bit cruel to her even.

Yep, me too. It sounded sarcastic.

To snoop on anyone would mean a lack of trust in them in the first place--so why even bother?

'Confront' is a really strong word, and you'd need to expose yourself as a snoop in order to raise how you read what you read.

What's the point--what would that accomplish? Alienation.

Sounds like a useless exercise.

[AlessiaB]

Well, I was going to let it go.  But when I came back early from my class today and went to his house, I heard him talking to her on the phone in the backyard.  I heard everything.  I heard him tell her that he’s got everything to lose while she’s got nothing to lose if he cheated. And he said it would be his first time cheating while in a relationship but that he wants her so badly. 

That wasn’t the end to it, there was more stuff he said about not being the type of person to hit and quit it, that if they hook up it’s never gonna end between them.  I left his house and been at home since.  I’m so upset and hurt and honestly the conversation sounded so bizzare. He was talking crazy which is a side I’ve never seen to him before.  He was telling her all these things about his family, like his father cheating on his mom, which he’s never told me.

I’m just so hurt and lost, I don’t know if I should just break up with him or ask him what is going on. 

[Starlight925]

Ghost him. 

[MissCanuck]

15 minutes ago, AlessiaB said:

But when I came back early from my class today and went to his house, I heard him talking to her on the phone in the backyard.

Like I said before, I would be done with this guy. 

There is no reason for them to continue to message each other, let alone speak on the phone. He's not trying to eject her from his life. He's keeping her around and it's inappropriate. 

Find a better boyfriend. 

[Jaunty]

Well, obviously you need to dump him now.  It shouldn't be that big of a deal, since you've been seeing him for less than 2 months.  No big deal.  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, AlessiaB said:

 he said it would be his first time cheating while in a relationship but that he wants her so badly. 

It may be time to cut your losses. If he's chatting other women up about hookups, it's time to leave .

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, AlessiaB said:

I’m just so hurt and lost, I don’t know if I should just break up with him or ask him what is going on. 

I vote for you to break up. There's really no need to ask--it's plain to see what's going on. There's no value in playing the fool here.