My bf is devastated because I lied to him. I wanted to apologise but he doesn’t wanna see me

[EPP]

My bf is 40 and lives with his parents. I am 35 and live by myself. We have been dating for over a year now. Since the very beginning it was hard with him because the first three months he didn’t wanna stay over and sleep at mine because his mother is very controlling.His mother didn’t meet me until two months ago but all along has been very much against me and our relationship. I always had arguments with my bf because I didn’t really feel comfortable with him jumping over for an hour or two and then going back home to his mother. He kept promising that he was gonna stay at mine and start spending more days over at mine but this didn’t happen. He is also a lawyer, so he has a lot of work to do on a daily basis and on top of that on weekends he spent time at his village with his brother doing some building work there. This went on for many months, almost a year in this rythm. Empty promises that he would start spending more nights with me but not happening. His mother threatened him that she would kick him out if he decides to stay with me and that he should forget about her.

This story went on all along. I told my bf many times that I wasn’t happy in our relationship, that I would like us to spend more time together over the weekends to which he said that he understands however he has urgent work to do and has to do it. So nothing really ever changed. In the middle of October our relationship was very shaky and fragile so I decided that I should start going out more instead of clinging onto him all the time. Since I am new in the city I posted an add in an expat fb group that I am looking for like-minded people to socialise and go out with. One guy sent me a message that he is also new in town and has the same interests as mine. We started chatting with each other but I didn’t tell my bf about it. After a week of chatting I met the guy for a coffee, the following day I went out for a walk with him and we continued chatting. I met this guy three times in total before we went out dancing but it was 5 of us that went out dancing from his dance group.

I never went out dancing with the guy by myself. At this point I wynted to make it clear and set clear boundaries so I said to the guy that I was not looking for a relationship with him just socialising and dancing and he said he is fine with it so we can stay friends. I also wanted to tell my bf about the guy so that when I go out I can tell him where I am and with who. The problem is that I told my bf that I met the guy in the dance club that same evening and didn’t tell him that we met a couple of times before that. I just didn’t want to make our relationship more complicated than it already was. One day I arranged to meet the guy in the city centre and I told my bf that I was going out with him. To this statement he reacted very strongly saying things like who is this guy, why are you going out with him, does he know you have a bf, etc. Anyway long story short - I went out with the guy three times alone and every other time which was 6 in total afterwards I went out with him and other friends together in a group.

My bf never came with us because he was always absent from town including the weekends doing some work on the village house. My last communication with this guy was in messenger at the end of December because I wasn’t in a mood to socialise and go out in winter. My relationship with my bf was very shaky again because of the same issue with his mother and I stopped chatting to the guy. Two weeks ago my bf finally moved in with me, things were ok but one day I left home for a few hours and my bf knows the password to my PC. He decided to invade my messenger and read all the chats for this 1,5 months with the guy. He then printed out everything and told my parents about how I lied to him and that he didn’t wanna see me ever again.

He feels hurt and betrayed because I lied to him about the guy. I know that I didn’t tell him about the guy from the beginning but the reason was because our relationship was already very shaky. I also didn’t tell him that I was chatting with the guy regularly for 1,5 months but he doesn’t tell me about his chats either. Now he feels very betrayed and suffers a lot. Did I really do something so unforgivable? How about him invading my chats? Is there anything I can do to make things right?

[Batya33]

Yes you did.  You had the option of ending the relationship and then dating someone else.  He has the option of choosing not to speak to you again. He is the victim.  You gave him the password to your PC. Did you talk about what he was allowed to look at or not? It's not just the chats as you know.  

You did date like activities with this man you met without telling your bf.  To me that's inconsistent with being in a committed relationship.  I'd forget about his transgression of reading your chats.  Is it wrong? Yes technically but it sounds like he suspected something.  And he was right.  Perhaps in the future he'll be ready to hear your apology.  Make things right by respecting his need for space.

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, EPP said:

.   He decided to invade my messenger and read all the chats for this 1,5 months with the guy. 

Sorry this happened. However it sounds like you dodged a bullet. While it would probably have been better to break up because he won't cut the umbilical cord, but if the end result is you're free of him to pursue a grown up real relationship, then it's fine.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Go out have fun meet people who have similar lifestyles and values.

[boltnrun]

You went about this in a way that's messy.  Concealing your "friendship" with that man is inconsistent with being in a committed love relationship.  Regardless of how "shaky" your relationship was at the time.

How would you feel if you found out he'd been going out dancing with another woman and hid it from you?

If you're focusing on him "invading" your chats instead of you concealing this other man from him, I'd say the relationship is still "shaky".

Only he can decide if he wants to forgive you.  And only you can decide if you want to focus on him reading your chat history instead of trying to fix the issues in this relationship.

[MissCanuck]

Concealing these things from your boyfriend was not cool, no. 

However, it sounds like this relationship needs to be over anyway. You have been unhappy, unfulfilled and unprioritized for a long time. Now is the time to let go. You two are really not right for each other. 

[Cherylyn]

I'm generally a very forgiving person for minor offenses.  However,  lying,  deceit,  betrayal,  cheating,  physical / mental abuse,  chronic gaslighting,  repetitive,  obnoxious rudeness and the whole lot are unforgettable,  major offenses.  For past people in my life,   I don't comment,  respond nor react.  I dissolve and exit the relationship entirely.  

It's rare but if I must cross paths with them,   I'm permanently distrustful,  frosty,  polite yet deliberately maintain a safe distance. 

This is human nature.  Generally people don't desire to be with those who've tested them sorely and behaved without common decency and common courtesy.  It's over.   Why?  Because most of us are risk adverse.  We don't want repeat hurts in the future and the only way to guarantee protection is to eliminate those who no longer qualify nor deserve to be in one's life.  It's universal.

I've retained some people in my life with very strict,  enforced boundaries.  The relationship is no longer the same.  Innocence and naivete had been lost forever.  The damaged had been done and can't be undone.  People have outstanding memories.  Bitterness and resentment forewarns one to beware because there is a very strong propensity that the perpetrator will do it again.  

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, EPP said:

Did I really do something so unforgivable?

You were "shopping" for a new boyfriend because your relationship was shaky(by your own words). If you broke up with boyfriend, in a week you would probably be with the new guy. So yes, you did something bad and you brought all of this on yourself. Why do you even think that its OK to go out with men because your relationship is "shaky" and your boyfriend was not around at the moment? Its just not something you should do and he is right to be mad.

2 hours ago, EPP said:

How about him invading my chats?

Him being wrong and invading your privacy, you having problems with his family and all, isnt an excuse for your mistakes. Your mistakes are your own. Why did you lie to him and not told him about other man? Why did he had to find out from chats? You claim you didnt do anything and that is OK but dont you think he deserved to know what was going on? Do you even see how wrong it sounds and how bad you made the situation yourself?

2 hours ago, EPP said:

Is there anything I can do to make things right?

Now, no. At the time you should have at least been honest with your boyfriend. And if you wanted to go out with another men to broke up with him and do just that. But again, you knew boyfriend would get mad and you think "relationship is shaky" is a good excuse for you to shop around for new boyfriends. 

He doesnt want to see you now. Take it as a lesson in life. And be more honest and dont lie and go around with strange men. If you have a problems in relationship, brake up and then go shop around for next. Dont sit on two chairs and then pretend how everything is fine. 

[SooSad33]

It was all wrong.

HE never provided for you.  HE was under control of his mother, yet he's a 40 yr old man and a lawyer?  Geeze 😕 .

You got fed up with it all, felt it was going nowhere fast so went out to find something to do.  And yeah, if you get hanging with a guy, you can guarantee what he wants from you 😉 .

Was it right for him to go into your pm's? No, of course not. ( and it should have been him to come visit you more & stay longer, BEFORE he actually moved in with you, so you could both see IF things still felt okay, while you spent that much time together..).

So, either way, it was all going to crumble.  Neither of you were good for each other.

Is time to be done with both sides and move on.

 

[EPP]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Concealing these things from your boyfriend was not cool, no. 

However, it sounds like this relationship needs to be over anyway. You have been unhappy, unfulfilled and unprioritized for a long time. Now is the time to let go. You two are really not right for each other. 

Thank you sooo much for your understanding. This is exactly what it is word for word. Thank you for your encouragement and support. Love! ❤️ 

[EPP]

48 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

It was all wrong.

HE never provided for you.  HE was under control of his mother, yet he's a 40 yr old man and a lawyer?  Geeze 😕 .

You got fed up with it all, felt it was going nowhere fast so went out to find something to do.  And yeah, if you get hanging with a guy, you can guarantee what he wants from you 😉 .

Was it right for him to go into your pm's? No, of course not. ( and it should have been him to come visit you more & stay longer, BEFORE he actually moved in with you, so you could both see IF things still felt okay, while you spent that much time together..).

So, either way, it was all going to crumble.  Neither of you were good for each other.

Is time to be done with both sides and move on.

 

''HE never provided for you.  HE was under control of his mother, yet he's a 40 yr old man and a lawyer?  Geeze 😕 .'' - spot on. I got fed up long ago and it is my fault that I left it dragging for so long with the hope that things will change. He always had staff to do which was urgent and I was never his priority. I am not even going to talk about his mother ... 

Yet, I told him about the other guy and I never had anything with that guy. I was crystal clear with the other guy from day one and always when I went out with him it was also other people with us dancing too. The main point is - we are not good for each other and now during that week that we are not in contact I am getting my head a lot clearer and comments like yours help me very much move on faster from the whole thing. Thank you so much for your understanding und support! 

''Is time to be done with both sides and move on''  - this is exactly what I have to do, really! 

[SooSad33]

That's right- good for you!

We can eventually come to see the light.  Of a toxic relationship etc.

You don't need any of this.. right? 😉  Nope.  Leave him in his mother's hands.

Time to move on 🙂 .  Go chat it up with that other guy.  Give this one nothing anymore!

[EPP]

3 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

That's right- good for you!

We can eventually come to see the light.  Of a toxic relationship etc.

You don't need any of this.. right? 😉  Nope.  Leave him in his mother's hands.

Time to move on 🙂 .  Go chat it up with that other guy.  Give this one nothing anymore!

Thank you so much! ❤️

I didn't even share half of the things I have gone through with this guy, all the compromises, etc. Just one example - I came back from abroad very late in the evening, we hadn't seen each other for a week, he came to see me and when I asked him if he was going to stay over at mine he paused and answered - no, he would go home because he doesn't wanna upset his mother since her birthday was in two days and didn't want to upset her... Can you imagine???? 

[SooSad33]

6 minutes ago, EPP said:

I came back from abroad very late in the evening, we hadn't seen each other for a week, he came to see me and when I asked him if he was going to stay over at mine he paused and answered - no, he would go home because he doesn't wanna upset his mother since her birthday was in two days and didn't want to upset her... Can you imagine???? 

Exactly... ridiculous.  lol

Then, this is the life HE will have.  He belongs with mama.  Leave him there 🙂 

[EPP]

13 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Exactly... ridiculous.  lol

Then, this is the life HE will have.  He belongs with mama.  Leave him there 🙂 

You are so cool! Thank you so much for all your encouragement, it really helps me a lot when I most need it. Hugs, hugs, hugs. 🙂 

[catfeeder]

I agree that this was a messy way to get yourself out of an awful relationship. You positioned yourself to take the fall as the bad guy instead of making a clean break from someone who offered you nothing but excuses and heartbreak.

Skip that, you're free now to find someone better. Hopefully you'll learn to enjoy your life solo to the degree that you won't put up with substandard treatment just to avoid being alone. Invest in yourself enough so that a relationship feels 'optional' unless and until it feels RIGHT.

Head high, and be kind to yourself. That will help you to raise your bar for the next guy.

[EPP]

12 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I agree that this was a messy way to get yourself out of an awful relationship. You positioned yourself to take the fall as the bad guy instead of making a clean break from someone who offered you nothing but excuses and heartbreak.

Skip that, you're free now to find someone better. Hopefully you'll learn to enjoy your life solo to the degree that you won't put up with substandard treatment just to avoid being alone. Invest in yourself enough so that a relationship feels 'optional' unless and until it feels RIGHT.

Head high, and be kind to yourself. That will help you to raise your bar for the next guy.

I think I should make your message my daily mantra, it's so well said and you seem to understand exactly what has happened. Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding, they have encouraged me a lot. Hugs and all the best for you too! 

[TacticalLinguine]

Instead of judging the guy on an online forum, look inwards and consider your own actions. He may be this and that, we don't have his side, but stabbing somebody in the back is not something you can ever justify. 

Learn to leave and be alone when you're unhappy. 

[EPP]

25 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Instead of judging the guy on an online forum, look inwards and consider your own actions. He may be this and that, we don't have his side, but stabbing somebody in the back is not something you can ever justify. 

Learn to leave and be alone when you're unhappy. 

How exactly did I stub him in the back? Did I cheat on him? I went out with somebody and from day one I made it clear to that guy I don't want a relationship just friendship. Yes, I didn't tell my bf immediately but I think stubbing in the back is way too strong statement. I told the guy I had a bf and I told my bf about the guy too. The same would have been if I went out with a girl but then nobody would have judged me. 

[TacticalLinguine]

3 minutes ago, EPP said:

How exactly did I stub him in the back? Did I cheat on him? I went out with somebody and from day one I made it clear to that guy I don't want a relationship just friendship. Yes, I didn't tell my bf immediately but I think stubbing in the back is way too strong statement. I told the guy I had a bf and I told my bf about the guy too. The same would have been if I went out with a girl but then nobody would have judged me. 

What is honest and respectful about lying, going out with a guy, texting with him, all behind your partner's back when your relationship is on shaky grounds? 

[Wiseman2]

On 3/25/2023 at 4:48 PM, EPP said:

'Is time to be done with both sides and move on''  - this is exactly what I have to do, really! 

Bad relationships never end like a Disney fairytale.  You dodged a bullet. Be grateful it's over even if you started talking to others because you needed some grown-ups to talk to.

[EPP]

21 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

What is honest and respectful about lying, going out with a guy, texting with him, all behind your partner's back when your relationship is on shaky grounds? 

I text and go out with girls too exact same way, but that's not considered lying...

[TacticalLinguine]

2 minutes ago, EPP said:

I text and go out with girls too exact same way, but that's not considered lying...

Then why did you call it lying in your title and OP?

You may justify this however you like, for him you crossed the line. Frankly I would have left, too. 

[EPP]

1 minute ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Then why did you call it lying in your title and OP?

You may justify this however you like, for him you crossed the line. Frankly I would have left, too. 

Because I didn't tell him the truth of how I met the guy and I accept this wasn't right. Anyway, the relationship was an unhappy one from day one so it's ok. I apologised to him, we are in talking terms now and that's all I can do. Thank you for your contribution. 

[MissCanuck]

Are you actually considering staying?

[EPP]

52 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Are you actually considering staying?

I don't think so. Currently I am in a battle with myself because I know with all my heart and mind that I really wasn't happy in this relationship and I have put myself behind for too long in the hope that things will change. I have talked to him so many times what has made me unhappy, he has agreed but he was too undecisive to change things for the better. Now the weather is getting warmer, he will start working on his house in the village again, then it's field work, etc. and then the summer is suddenly gone again with me spending most of the weekends alone as it was previously. So I do not think there is any chance of happiness if I stayed in this relationship. It's just that I love him and I genuinely did not intend to hurt him and now I feel guilty for casing him so much suffering whereas I honestly not for a second wished or thought of another man whilst we were together. Yet, he feels very hurt... . I think that's my bigger problem.