I am quite certain that my soulmate and I have crossed paths, but she has kids and man.

[Citizen89]

Just now, itsallgrand said:

I can't really answer that because it's unknown what will happen. You have to wait and see how it flushes out. And that's a good chunk of time. In the meantime, you could be dating women who are available now.

I can't. I see this woman everyday.. She's at the same work as me..

[Batya33]

It's not whether the "inclusion of two kids will make this problematic."  Rather if she is legally single-divorced for one year and you start dating your "soulmate" are you excited at the prospect of potentially being a stepfather to these two children? Ms. Soulmate is a package deal.  So if your perspective is "uh oh are these two warm bodies gonna be an obstacle to me getting with my "soulmate" then by definition she is not  your soulmate.  Because you won't be accepting who she is -who she is includes being a mother in a major way.

[Citizen89]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's not whether the "inclusion of two kids will make this problematic."  Rather if she is legally single-divorced for one year and you start dating your "soulmate" are you excited at the prospect of potentially being a stepfather to these two children? Ms. Soulmate is a package deal.

Yeah it's fine. What I want to know is IF that's going to happen. She has been with her husband 11 years. I would be surprised if the takes a hike and ditches the kids..

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, Citizen89 said:

Yeah it's fine. What I want to know is IF that's going to happen. She has been with her husband 11 years. I would be surprised if the takes a hike and ditches the kids..

Has she said one word about filing for divorce?

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, Citizen89 said:

Yeah it's fine. What I want to know is IF that's going to happen. She has been with her husband 11 years. I would be surprised if the takes a hike and ditches the kids..

You're not going to know because they may not know -you're making wild assumptions that "he" is going to "ditch the kids?" Based on what? What she told you? To be with your soulmate it means accepting that life has twists and turns especially if you start out with a single mom.  (And even assuming you act appropriately and wait until her divorce is final for at least a year given the complications).

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Citizen89 said:

 the more I looked into her eyes, the more I raised suspicions in my mind that this is indeed my other half.

Is she your manager? You seem to have quite a crush on her. However everything you mentioned as "signs" has no  specific significance, other than women change jewelry and hairstyles and clothes all the time. 

[Citizen89]

Just now, Batya33 said:

You're not going to know because they may not know -you're making wild assumptions that "he" is going to "ditch the kids?" Based on what? What she told you? To be with your soulmate it means accepting that life has twists and turns especially if you start out with a single mom.  (And even assuming you act appropriately and wait until her divorce is final for at least a year given the complications).

I should be able to know what the most likely scenario is. This isn't the first time in history.

[Batya33]

Just now, Citizen89 said:

I should be able to know what the most likely scenario is. This isn't the first time in history.

Why? You have no entitlement. She's a married mom.  If she gets divorced and you start dating then for sure discuss future goals.  No it is not the first time a person has felt that an unavailable person is their soulmate.  Feelings aren't facts.

[bluecastle]

18 minutes ago, Citizen89 said:

I would be surprised if the takes a hike and ditches the kids.

I'll start here and work backwards. 

Most people do not "ditch their kids" after a divorce. Typically what happens is they strike a co-parenting arrangement, which differs from couple to couple, and whoever they date and get into relationships next will have to work with and around that. Pretty common, hardly mysterious. 

Of course, this is all hypothetical. What real? That you are crushing hard on a married mom and writing romance novels in your mind. Pretty common and hardly mysterious as well. If there's any chance of the novel in your mind becoming a reality? That starts with her saying to you, "My husband and I are divorcing."

From there you allow for time and space for all that to get worked out and then, assuming she shares your interest, you date to determine if there's anything between you greater than crush-y frou-frou. Then you get more serious, then you have talks about meeting the kids, and so on.

In short, the cart you're sitting in right now? It is approximately three to five galaxies ahead of the horse.    

 

[Citizen89]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Why? You have no entitlement. She's a married mom.  If she gets divorced and you start dating then for sure discuss future goals.  No it is not the first time a person has felt that an unavailable person is their soulmate.  Feelings aren't facts.

I asked what the stats say about these constellations.

Just now, bluecastle said:

I'll start here and work backwards. 

Most people do not "ditch their kids" after a divorce. Typically what happens is they strike a co-parenting arrangement, which differs from couple to couple, and whoever they date and get into relationships next will have to work with and around that. Pretty common, hardly mysterious. 

 

 

What does work with and around that mean? Am I going to be a step dad or not in such scenario?

[Batya33]

Just now, Citizen89 said:

I asked what the stats say about these constellations.

What does work with and around that mean? I'm a going to be a step dad or not?

You won't know until she is divorced and until the custody arrangements are worked out.  Since she is your soulmate then -obviously -she will be in a couple of years, yes? Isn't it in the best interests of children to have stability and consistency? Married women cannot date.  So you can't have a role in her life let alone let her children know you or get attached.

I don't understand what you're referring to with constellations.  I think you're playing a dangerous game with yourself elevating this situation to "soulmate" -but it is easier to consider an unavailable person your soulmate.  My soulmate just lost a crown on his tooth and has a flight Monday so I'm helping him figure out next steps.  I don't really have the privilege of considering what the constellations say about the chances of losing a crown less than 48 hours before an important trip.

You don't have to concern yourself with such matters hence the musing about what ifs.

[bluecastle]

Just now, Citizen89 said:

What does work with and around that mean? I'm a going to be a step dad or not?

Dude, it's time for some big long deep breaths. 

You have no idea if this woman is even interested in ending her marriage. Get that pill down the throat and into the bloodstream.

And if she is interested in that, and if she is interested in you, you still have no idea where that puts you in relationship to her children. "Work with and around that" means that the parents—not the partners—determine all this, and that it doesn't get determined out of the gate or during the dewy crush phase, but after very real time has passed and a very real connection has formed.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Citizen89 said:

What does work with and around that mean? Am I going to be a step dad or not in such scenario?

IF she divorces her husband (and you haven't given any indication she said she will), as @bluecastle said she and her former husband will go to court to determine custody, visitation and child support.  If she's any kind of sensitive and loving mother she will take an extended period of time to allow the children to adjust, then will slowly introduce them to whomever she is in a committed relationship with following the divorce.   She will not have any man act as an insta-stepdad if she has any sense of caring for her children's feelings.

If she hasn't so much as told her husband she wants a divorce, we're talking a minimum of 2-3 years.

If she's truly your "soulmate" you will have no problem at all waiting for her to do what's best for her children.

[Citizen89]

Just now, boltnrun said:

 

If she hasn't so much as told her husband she wants a divorce, we're talking a minimum of 2-3 years.

 

Before I see her kids at all?

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Citizen89 said:

Before I see her kids at all?

She has no business introducing her kids to the man she's having a secret affair with.  What's she going to do, say you're "Mommy's friend" and swear them to secrecy?  Do you know how psychologically damaging that would be?

You should not have any involvement whatsoever with her kids until after the divorce is final and she has given them time to adjust.

Yes, 2-3 years.  If she's truly your soulmate you won't mind waiting to meet her kids.

[Batya33]

That is why I gave you the example of my soulmate/husband losing a crown today.  You balk at any sense of responsibility here or reality-grounding stuff - it's all me me me.  I am entitled to know.  How long do I have to wait to meet her kids and know if I will be their stepfather.  I am entitled to date a married mom because I feel like it.  And so on.....

[Citizen89]

Just now, boltnrun said:

She has no business introducing her kids to the man she's having a secret affair with.  What's she going to do, say you're "Mommy's friend" and swear them to secrecy?  Do you know how psychologically damaging that would be?

You should not have any involvement whatsoever with her kids until after the divorce is final and she has given them time to adjust.

Yes, 2-3 years.  If she's truly your soulmate you won't mind waiting to meet her kids.

I never said she does, I'm trying to wrap my head around how it would affect the relationship in practical terms. If she has the kids every second week, I probably won't see her much those weeks. At least not for long since she has to get back home.

[bluecastle]

2 minutes ago, Citizen89 said:

Before I see her kids at all?

No one can answer this.

Like, I can direct you to a compelling article published in the New Yorker a few weeks ago about a philosopher who was married, with two kids, and after a student confessed that he had a crush on her she immediately divorced her husband, started dating the guy, and now they all live together: her, her new husband, her ex-husband, the kids. Unconventional as all that is, it also started pretty conventionally: she divorced her husband before pursuing a new romance, and from there they all figured out what worked best for them. 

You seem unwilling to own that what's happening here, at his stage, is a one-sided crush. That is all the information you have: your feelings. From there everything is a big ol' IF: if she shares these feelings, if she wants to end her marriage, if she has any interest in another man being involved in with her children, if...

And if she is a reasonably sane human being and caring parent, the odds are that she will not want to answer these questions in a ten seconds, much as that would soothe your thirst. She would take some very real time—and, odds are, she would respect the type of person who understood that more than the person who wants it all laid out after a few minutes of dewy eye contact.  

[Citizen89]

Just now, bluecastle said:

 

You seem unwilling to own that what's happening here, at his stage, is a one-sided crush.

So you believe she stopped wearing her ring coincidentally when learning that I'm single? And coincidentally added flirty body language? She seems pretty ready to me.

[Batya33]

Just now, Citizen89 said:

So you believe she stopped wearing her ring coincidentally when learning that I'm single? And coincidentally added flirty body language? She seems pretty ready to me.

Oh she likely is interested in flirting with you.  It's fun and it's safe! Just happens to be inconsistent with being married.  Won't you wonder what she does with coworkers even if you end up dating her? Or anyone else who catches her fancy? Doesn't mean at all she's interested in anything else and certainly doesn't mean she has feelings for you let alone thinking you are her soulmate.  

[bluecastle]

Just now, Citizen89 said:

So you believe she stopped wearing her ring coincidentally when learning that I'm single? And coincidentally added flirty body language? She seems pretty ready to me.

I think this reasoning is similar to someone who has been alone in a dry desert for months and mistakes the tiniest pool of water for an ocean. 

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, Citizen89 said:

I never said she does, I'm trying to wrap my head around how it would affect the relationship in practical terms. If she has the kids every second week, I probably won't see her much those weeks. At least not for long since she has to get back home.

So you not only expect her to leave her husband for you, you expect her to give up custody?  She would likely have shared physical custody which could result in the kids seeing their dad every other weekend and one additional weekday, for example.  If they did do a week on, week off you would not see her for that week unless and until you two decide to live together.  And that's a long way down the road from a few flirty moments and you mooning over her at work.

You are making this all about you and your wants.  If she's any kind of decent mother she will put the children's needs over your wants.  And that's still in the event you haven't made this into a much bigger deal than it actually is.

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, Citizen89 said:

So you believe she stopped wearing her ring coincidentally when learning that I'm single? And coincidentally added flirty body language? She seems pretty ready to me.

Again, has she said she is divorcing her husband?

[Citizen89]

 

Just now, boltnrun said:

So you not only expect her to leave her husband for you, you expect her to give up custody?  She would likely have shared physical custody which could result in the kids seeing their dad every other weekend and one additional weekday, for example.  If they did do a week on, week off you would not see her for that week unless and until you two decide to live together.  And that's a long way down the road from a few flirty moments and you mooning over her at work.

You are making this all about you and your wants.  If she's any kind of decent mother she will put the children's needs over your wants.  And that's still in the event you haven't made this into a much bigger deal than it actually is.

So her kids needs is that they should be with her more than her father? Explain that.

[Andrina]

Mature, mentally healthy people don't begin a new relationship before being well out of an old relationship.

Mature, mentally healthy parents in a divorce have to make their kids a priority by getting their children used to the new dynamic. This can't happen when their parents are seeking band-aids with new romantic partners, and having their parents distracted during this critical time.

Mentally healthy single people walk away the millisecond they realize a person is taken. He or she would say, "Oh, I see we have some chemistry but I can't ethically communicate with someone taken. When you've been divorced a year, and more likely out of a rebound period, give me a call and if I'm still single, we can talk about meeting up."

And finally, a mentally healthy parent won't introduce their kids to a bf/gf until confident the relationship is serious, which is way beyond the honeymoon period, where all fantasies of the newbie partner fade and the reality of who the person really is takes center stage.

Chemistry might fool a naive person into thinking they've met their soulmate, but realistic people know that chemistry is only a starting point, and there are so many levels to find out about a person before seeing if they are a lifetime partner. One thing we already know about the both of you is that you each practice poor ethics as far as honoring the sanctity of a relationship. She's fine flirting with other men while married, and no, being mentally out of the door, if that's the case is NO EXCUSE. And you don't consider the sanctity of her marriage. If you wouldn't want your gf or wife chatting up a man willing to flirt with her, you don't engage in this behavior either. Karma is a witch and will come back to bite you on the tush.