Still feeling hurt from something my boyfriend said to me

[Araya]

My relationship with my fiancé is a really loving relationship. I couldn't imagine someone who fits more perfectly to me than him. The problem is that I still feel hurt about something he said to me a few months ago and already apologised for. It still makes me insecure and makes me overthink.

We were talking about work, as we work at the same place and we talked about men at our workplace. He then said those are always horny. He said it's normal to be horny all day when he sees the girls wearing their uniform ( short skirts) and said it's normal to look and get horny. That really hurt me and I just can't forget it even though we talked about it several times and he apologised. He isn't a playboy or something, he said that he doesn't know why he said that. We're each other's first relationship and we really love each other but how do I get over this ? 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Araya said:

 we talked about it several times and he apologised. He isn't a playboy or something, he said that he doesn't know why he said that. 

How long have you been together? How old is he? It was a dumb thing to say, but you've talked about it repeatedly and he's apologized. 

All you can do is reflect why this impacted you so much. Are you secure in the relationship and in yourself? Are there other relationship issues that are upsetting you?

[Araya]

We've been together for more than a year and he's 3 years younger. It's just that there have been a lot of times he did or said something that hurt me unintentionally. I feel very secure in the relationship and I know that I'm going to spend my life with him and have a family. 

Those things he did he claims have been because of his adhd and he says things before thinking. I feel like those things have been piling up and even with his apologies I still think about this particular thing he said. It was the first time that I felt hurt in our relationship after I felt so secure and happy about being with him. 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Araya said:

. It's just that there have been a lot of times he did or said something that hurt me unintentionally. It was the first time that I felt hurt in our relationship .

Perhaps he has a poor filter when it comes to making insensitive or immature remarks. You claim he does this "a lot of times". Reflect if he's really that insensitive or if you are oversensitive, since this relationship seems to cause you so much hurt.

[poorlittlefish]

What kind of workplace requires its female employees to wear short skirts?  If the uniform is making the male employees "horny all day" then it appears to be inappropriate!

[1a1a]

Eckhart Tolle would say when this thought arises in you ‘my partner said this scandalous thing in front of me’ you have two choices. You can pay attention to it. For sure if you do this more thoughts will follow, chances of them making you feel cheerful are very low. Or you can acknowledge your brain has remembered this event and turn your attention elsewhere, to what you were doing, to your breathing, to what sounds you can hear. Come bring yourself back into the present.

[Kwothe28]

17 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

What kind of workplace requires its female employees to wear short skirts?

Hooters?

OP why getting hung up on something that happened months ago and that you already talked about? I would understand if it happened yesterday but that was months ago. Do you think he gets horny from the woman at his workplace?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Araya said:

 we work at the same place and we talked about men at our workplace. 

Do you have to wear the same uniform? A workplace can require whatever uniforms or a dress code they see fit, unless it's discriminatory. Keep in mind he and his friends could "get horny" just going to the beach or anywhere else, so the workplace and uniform is not the issue.

The problem is you're chronically hurt by his seemingly immature and insensitive remarks. He's apologized, so it's up to you to accept his apology or reconsider if you're not compatible based on his lack of filter when speaking with you.

[Batya33]

Ugh -how tacky and thoughtless of him to say that -and to you! You don't in your marriage vows promise never to look at another human or to notice an attractive person. I would think basic common sense and manners (like really basic) means you don't blurt out every random thing you notice or feel just because your partner is standing there or you "feel like it" -

So if you have a little girl together do you want him to say to her when she's off to preschool and you're all in the car at the carpool line "enjoy your day sweetie and play nicely and listen to the teacher -- you know I love when I come to pick you up in the classroom how your teacher is bending over to see someone's craft project -she wears those cute short skirts and woo hoo -she does have a cute behind!!"

Or perhaps at your wedding he'll choose to get a bit tipsy and announce to everyone what a lucky man he is to have found you, his special lady and how you were so darn cute looking the first time he saw you it made him horny like all men would be!!

Give me a break. He knows why he said it unless he has a disorder like tourettes. He said it because he chose to. People move towards pleasure and away from pain -it pleased him more to say that to you than the restraint of considering in advance for around 2.5 seconds "yes I'm thinking that -not a good idea to say that to my future wife".

Everyone can learn discretion, how to speak with forethought, how to act in a thoughtful and reasonable way even if it doesn't all come naturally.  Everyone has their moments of impulsivity and make mistakes - but this sounds rather frequent and focused on women's private parts.  Ick. (IMO).

[Coily]

Tactless, yes. But since you were talking about men at work, are you sure he was saying he was the only one horny all day or that men at work got horny (likely including himself)? Have you ever mentioned finding other men attractive?

Sure he should have not mentioned it, but the fact he's apologized for it and it bothers you still is a reflection not on him, but yourself. He's not going to gouge out his eyes and not see attractive people around him, it's naive or delusional to think that he doesn't notice. Now maybe he has learned the lesson of keeping his thought to himself, but until he crosses the line of cheating I don't think you have anything to genuinely worry about.

I'm also very sure that someone will pop on here claiming his "roving eye" should lead you to end the relationship, that will only amplify your insecurities.

 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Coily said:

Tactless, yes. But since you were talking about men at work, are you sure he was saying he was the only one horny all day or that men at work got horny (likely including himself)? Have you ever mentioned finding other men attractive?

Sure he should have not mentioned it, but the fact he's apologized for it and it bothers you still is a reflection not on him, but yourself. He's not going to gouge out his eyes and not see attractive people around him, it's naive or delusional to think that he doesn't notice. Now maybe he has learned the lesson of keeping his thought to himself, but until he crosses the line of cheating I don't think you have anything to genuinely worry about.

I'm also very sure that someone will pop on here claiming his "roving eye" should lead you to end the relationship, that will only amplify your insecurities.

 

I thought she said he'd made other inappropriate comments over the years and hurt her feelings.  Maybe i read wrong.  One comment plus genuine apology plus not repeating the mistake -yes of course. I agree!

[Coily]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I thought she said he'd made other inappropriate comments over the years and hurt her feelings.  Maybe i read wrong.  One comment plus genuine apology plus not repeating the mistake -yes of course. I agree!

The one occasion for the horny comment is how I read the OP, while she says there were other unspecific moments where he said callous things, they seemed unrelated to being horny.

All in all I think there are some communication style problems, the Fiance may be a little too blunt and unthinking due to his ADHD. It doesn't sounds like he is trying to be cruel, he just needs to mature a bit in how he expresses himself.

[Lambert]

why does his feeling horny and saying it, hurt you? 

I'm not trying to be snarky. I want understand how you feel.

[boltnrun]

If him apologizing repeatedly for his insensitive comment doesn't resolve your feelings how exactly is this supposed to be resolved?

He can't go back in time and un-say it. 

What are the other insensitive comments he's made? Are they along the same lines or different topics?

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Coily said:

The one occasion for the horny comment is how I read the OP, while she says there were other unspecific moments where he said callous things, they seemed unrelated to being horny.

All in all I think there are some communication style problems, the Fiance may be a little too blunt and unthinking due to his ADHD. It doesn't sounds like he is trying to be cruel, he just needs to mature a bit in how he expresses himself.

Yes.  I agree. I’d feel hurt too if my husband shared with me that looking at women in short skirts makes him feel horny. I’d feel hurt that he thought it was appropriate to share with me and Id feel disrespected. I can’t imagine him saying such a thing and we joke around all the time and have for many years. 

[HeartGoesOn]

7 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

What kind of workplace requires its female employees to wear short skirts?  If the uniform is making the male employees "horny all day" then it appears to be inappropriate!

I'm dying to see the answer to this question.  🤨

[smackie9]

Darling he spoke the truth. That's just life. Yes he was thick headed in that moment. I doubt he will speak of that again. Remember what goes on in ones head is no one's business. Everyone has fantasies, finds others attractive, have crushes, etc. It's only when they act on it/cross boundaries then it is worth getting upset about. 

[boltnrun]

28 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

I'm dying to see the answer to this question.  🤨

There are many places that require revealing costumes, especially sports bars and sports themed restaurants.

I used to live in a city well known for its "party" atmosphere. There were job listings that said "submit a head shot and a full body shot in swimwear with your application". Also, the company I worked for held an "industry party" and hired female bartenders for the event. The ladies were told to cut/rip the company t-shirts they were provided with and to wear them with "booty shorts" or micro mini skirts. They did. And they got a LOT of tips. 

So he might work for some place that requires costumes such as Hooters or Blondies. 

[Cherylyn]

Everyone is different and I respect their opinions.  I can't speak for everyone nor for you @Araya.

If it were me,  I wouldn't marry a man who says such things.  Perhaps I'm pickier and choosier and that's OK since I figure,  if I'm going to spend the rest of my life with my husband,  I'll never grow accustomed to what he could blurt out.  No amount of self control nor duct tape on his mouth will control his mind which to me would be problematic. 

As a boyfriend,  I would wait it out and have a wait and see attitude. 

I've heard yes, accept the guy as is or choose someone else.  True that.  If it bothers you now, this bothersome thought will never fully disappear from your brain.  It will always bother you and you're apt to revisit this topic at some point in your relationship or marriage despite his previous apology.  I never had to do that much to my relief and gratitude because I chose the right man (husband) in the first place.  Choosing the right person to be in your life in the first place is the secret to a long,  enduring,  very content marriage or relationship. 

"He said it's normal to be horny all day when he sees the girls wearing their uniform ( short skirts) and said it's normal to look and get horny."

Should you have a daughter or son someday,  is this the type of mantra you want the father of your child or children to teach them?  I agree with @Batya33. 

Sure, your boyfriend apologized.  He knows why he said it.  He said it because he thinks it which is actually sad and disappointing because you thought better of him yet you were wrong.  You expected higher standards and values from him yet you were wrong. 

Since both of you are each others first relationship,  only time and patience will tell if it will last.  Make sure your radar is up.  He could very well be more careful around you but around guys,  it's the same old talk which shouldn't surprise you.  

Either choose him for the long term or mull it over. 

 

[SooSad33]

Well, this is both of yours 'first' relationship and he is 3 yrs younger than you. Then, yeah, expect such talk. But generally means nothing. Most guys are little horny toads 🙂.

Is just that he admitted it to you. Usually guys will admit it to their buddies, not their gf's, lol. And for him being still so young, he has some growing up to do.

Hey, we all look.  What's wrong, is actions and you know he doesn't cheat.

 

[Andrina]

How old are each of you and when do you plan to marry?

14 hours ago, Araya said:

He said it's normal to be horny all day when he sees the girls wearing their uniform ( short skirts) and said it's normal to look and get horny.

I can see a guy doing this, like on a first time visiting a place, but your bf looks all day, five days a week, during work at his various co-workers like this? To me, that's called ogling and only seeing his colleagues of another gender as sex objects. Instead of overlooking this red flag because of your love, this lack of a filter on his brain should be beneficial to you to know what he prioritizes in his mind. 

I believe your lack of dating experience is clouding your judgement. Please don't marry him right now, when you're concerned enough to write on a forum about him. There's no hurry, and you should see if more of these skeletons come rattling out of his brain or in other forms.