Wait for the right person to come along or go looking?

[eastcoastgal]

Some people believe in the theory that the right person will come along when you least expect it, when you are not looking. Others say that you can't wait for things to happen you have to go out there and make it happen....

What do you think?? I'm doing a survey 🙂

 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, eastcoastgal said:

..
I have experienced both.

Both. Nothing stops anyone from dating apps and social situations as well as serendipitous encounters 

[eastcoastgal]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Both. Nothing stops anyone from dating apps and social situations as well as serendipitous encounters 

Which is better?

[Kwothe28]

Go looking. I never was that lucky with either job or love part of my life. In bith of those I had to claw my way for opportunuities. I would get nowhere if I just waited at home for opportunity to fall from the sky.

[boltnrun]

I never have met men through online apps. I went where the men are. I don't pretend to like things I'm not truly interested in, but I am a sports and car lover so I went to a lot of sports events. I played on a coed softball team. I went to bars to watch sports on TV. I went to car shows. I almost always had at least a couple of conversations with men. I was approached a lot too. 

So my vote is to get out there. 

[Cherylyn]

Don't sit around and wait.  Opportunity will not come knocking on your door.  Go out there and make it happen.

[bluecastle]

I don't think any favors are being done by thinking of it in such a binary, black-and-white way. 

The more you're out and about, the more you have a shot at meeting someone. The apps, meanwhile, are just another way of facilitating a meeting, with the difference being that everyone is on there specifically looking for romance. 

[kctiger]

Maybe it's a matter of semantics, but how would you know it's the right person that came along? Even if it was, you'd have to make something happen by talking to said person. I like the idea of meeting people by chance as online dating sucks, but I think putting yourself out there to as many opportunities as possible increases the likelihood you find that "right person." I definitely don't think you'll find someone by doing nothing. But living life to the fullest, by traveling, going out with friends, experiencing new opportunities - that really opens the door to that serendipitous encounter we've all seen in the movies. 

[SooSad33]

Wait? How do you wait? Do nothing & sit around, awaiting them to come to your door? lol.

Re: to go looking, yes, that's an action. eg. go touring on the online dating sites, etc. so with intent.

But, things happen through life. We can come across someone who catches our eye anytime, w/out intent or the purpose of 'looking' .  We hear stories all the time like " I wasn't even looking' she just happened upon my workplace one day & it was 'instant love', lol'.

 

5 minutes ago, kctiger said:

how would you know it's the right person that came along?

It's about how YOU feel.

A couple may meet but no spark, so it won't go further.  If ya feel tingly inside, you fancy them 😉 .

7 minutes ago, kctiger said:

I think putting yourself out there to as many opportunities as possible increases the likelihood you find that "right person."

The right person - or one who truly interests you.  In time, will come to see IF they're right for you.

And no, don't compare life to the movies, lol.

Sure, I dated in school.. little nothings.  But met my first ex when I followed a friend to his place & I stuck around.

Second ex at my neighbours party.

Third ex was online and the fourth, lol.

We just never know.

[boltnrun]

My husband was not "really good looking", he wasn't rich (drove an old, battered Honda that rattled like you wouldn't believe!) and he wasn't "charismatic". He was a pleasant looking young man who had a nice smile and was interested in the things I had to say. He was somewhat quiet, definitely not outgoing but still polite and considerate. And he said he liked me because I was outgoing and laughed at his jokes. I was no beauty queen either. We are almost completely opposite physically. I am very short and ethnically Hispanic. He's a tall, very fair skinned blond with blue eyes. But we liked each other. 

We met because we lived in the same dorm and I found out he had a car so I asked him to drive me to Carl's Jr. and offered to buy him a burger in exchange for the ride. And the rest, as they say, is history. But it wouldn't have been if I hadn't approached him and asked him for that ride. I wasn't trying to date him at the time but that's how it turned out!

Every other man I've dated, I met while out and about. Never met anyone from an app. Not to say that would never happen because of course it does. It's just not the way it happened for me. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

Which is better?

They're not mutually exclusive, you can do both.

[Kwothe28]

32 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Wait? How do you wait? Do nothing & sit around, awaiting them to come to your door? lol.

 

Ive heard weirder stuff. We had a flood in my area around 10 years ago. So my friend(a woman) had her house 1,5 meters(4,92 feets for you Americans) in water. So the neighbours took her in because they had an extra floor and their house wasnt in water. Neighbours had a son older then her. So they fell in love, and she just stayed after a flood there and didnt go back to her house even though they renovated after flood. They have 2 girls together now. She was literally brought to his house by the flood lol

So, eh, some people do get fairy tail stories to tell. 

[smackie9]

Maybe not go LOOKING, but put yourself out there more in social situations. The more active you are the more likely you will meet someone. 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

So my friend(a woman) had her house 1,5 meters(4,92 feets for you Americans) in water. So the neighbours took her in because they had an extra floor and their house wasnt in water. Neighbours had a son older then her. So they fell in love, and she just stayed after a flood there and didnt go back to her house even though they renovated after flood.

Yup true, anything can happen, like I say, ya never know, lol.  ( Is kinda how I met my first ex- i stayed with a friend ( roomy at his place for a bit), We lasted almost 10 yrs.).

I am Canadian, not in the States, btw 🙂 .  Yes, we measure by feet, meters etc as well. lol

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

Some people believe in the theory that the right person will come along when you least expect it, when you are not looking. Others say that you can't wait for things to happen you have to go out there and make it happen....

What do you think?? I'm doing a survey 🙂

 

I don't think that but I do think that people who act in a needy desperate way are unlikely to meet the right person for them because that person even if a good match will be turned off by the smell of desperation.  I believe in being proactive from a position of reasonable confidence. 

My story can be spun as "least expect it"  - I never in a million years thought I would go on a friendly catch up dinner with my ex fiancee I had seen once in over 7 years and feel sparks. (And 7 hours after getting the last of about 6 emails from a man I'd met twice harassing me about my decision not to see him again). But if I consider what really happened -what really happened was I'd been proactive about putting myself out there to meet men for many years.  For part of that time and at times I did feel desperate/needy but those times were far far in the past. I was 38, almost 39 and I no longer felt desperate or acted that way.  But I was proactive.

I believe that had I not become the right person to find the right person - and one of the ways I became the right person was by being out there meeting and dating people and learning more and more about what I wanted/needed in a potential marriage and what I would not settle for - had I not done all that "work" then that catch up dinner most likely would have not resulted in us getting back together.  I showed up as a person who was in the right headspace to feel and react to those sparks in a way that helped us reconnect and eventually get back together and marry.  

I think it's really unwise (I can think of a stronger word but let's go with unwise) to translate "don't be desperate" into "just wait for the right person for "love" and he will come and rescue you the damsel in distress when you least expect it". 

Can it happen that way? Of course.  One of my friends cancelled her wedding to a man she met through match.com and less than a year later on a rainy Valentines Day night she was home doing laundry, went to her building's laundry room and there met her future husband doing his laundry.  Huge apartment building and he hadn't lived there that long.  Talk about "least expect it."  Lovely story -it can happen that way -she was in her mid 30s at the time.  

Especially if a woman wants kids and chooses not to freeze her eggs going with the sometime occurence of "least expect it" is a really unwise lie to tell oneself to justify not being out there and proactive -but not desperate.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, kctiger said:

Maybe it's a matter of semantics, but how would you know it's the right person that came along? Even if it was, you'd have to make something happen by talking to said person. I like the idea of meeting people by chance as online dating sucks, but I think putting yourself out there to as many opportunities as possible increases the likelihood you find that "right person." I definitely don't think you'll find someone by doing nothing. But living life to the fullest, by traveling, going out with friends, experiencing new opportunities - that really opens the door to that serendipitous encounter we've all seen in the movies. 

Yes that's true too other than love at first sight kind of stories.  I didn't know right away.  The times I felt like I did it was mostly infatuation.  I knew right away I wanted to see him again and I felt I knew this was "it!" the first time we kissed after we got back together.  But I didn't tell him that nor did I act on it by rushing to marry. I did act on it -since we'd dated in the past -by knowing I wouldn't look to date anyone else and wanted to be with only him.  

[greendots]

9 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

Some people believe in the theory that the right person will come along when you least expect it, when you are not looking. Others say that you can't wait for things to happen you have to go out there and make it happen....

A friend once told me that prince charming wasn't going to come knocking on my door. Sage advice.

Essentially, my take on what you posted above is this: Whilst you aren't desperately seeking to have a boyfriend, you lead an active life doing things you enjoy that allow you to meet potential men. So, you'll have a boyfriend when you least expect it. The bigger your social circle or the more you're out and about meeting people, the higher your chances of dating suitable men.

[Tinydance]

Well I think the best thing to do is probably a bit of both. You probably don't want to go too much in either direction. Like, you don't want to just always sit at home and do nothing, but you don't want to be too desperate and constantly on the prowl either.

When I turned 30, my Mum got very pushy about me finding someone. She literally thought I had to keep trying to find someone everywhere I went. I went to a baby's 1st Birthday party once and my Mum was like: "So did you find any guys?" And I was like, ummm, Mum, it wasn't that kind of party lol

I think you should be looking in the sense that you're open to finding someone and you put yourself out there. But not making finding someone your only purpose in life. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

Well I think the best thing to do is probably a bit of both. You probably don't want to go too much in either direction. Like, you don't want to just always sit at home and do nothing, but you don't want to be too desperate and constantly on the prowl either.

When I turned 30, my Mum got very pushy about me finding someone. She literally thought I had to keep trying to find someone everywhere I went. I went to a baby's 1st Birthday party once and my Mum was like: "So did you find any guys?" And I was like, ummm, Mum, it wasn't that kind of party lol

I think you should be looking in the sense that you're open to finding someone and you put yourself out there. But not making finding someone your only purpose in life. 

I agree. In my 30s though I made choices based on my sparse free time - like I went to Club Med resorts (which isn't a great way to meet serious minded people but I ended up making long term friends and -it was for singles) as opposed to a week at a spa for women only- I'd choose a party or event that involved singles to some extent over one that didn't, or not go to an event if it meant I wouldn't then have time to go to a singles event. 

I moved to where I paid very high rent to be in the middle of the action -a major city teeming with singles and I chose the specific neighborhood which was even more teeming. It made a huge difference particularly since I could walk to work and that gave me more time for socializing and being available to socialize on little notice.  

I did go visit my married friends including in the suburbs but I avoided making plans that would mean I couldn't have a weekend night free for a date -so I waited till Thursday to make plans with married friends.  Most of my friends told me to cancel plans with them if I ended up having  a date and depending on circumstances that was fine with me, too. 

Yes a balance. That is how I balanced it.