I'm worried we want different things in life

[sod98448]

Hi all, 

Iv been with my wife for just over 7 years and we've been married just 4 months ( we are both female). We have been happy for most of that and recently there has been strain on the relationship. Part of the problem is I struggle with communicating about serious topics and issues but last night we sat down and spoke for hours and talked everything out. We both have work to do and need to put more effort in. This discussion essay good and much needed. 

My concern is one of the things that was brought up was having a child. I have always been of the mindset of "take it or leave it". Having a kid hasnt been my ultimate ambition in life. My life wouldn't be ruined if I didnt have a child, nor would it be ruined if we did. I just wanted to have achieved what I need to before hand. My partner was aware of this however; she explained it as as soon as we got married its like something clicked. She wants a child sooner rather than later (shes 28 I'm 30.) I dont see the rush. Shes also concerned about if I really want a child or if I'm just having one because she wants one. Iv explained my mindset on it all along that I'm not one of those people who have this overpowering need to have a baby (nothing wrong with that I just am not that person). I also have nothing against it I just need time. I want to have travelled more, money in a savings for emergencies and for the baby when the time comes. Some level of financial stability. 

My ambition has always been travel. I like to go on holidays several times a year and the last 4 years we havent been able to. Covid and my mum got into a car accident that required us caring for her so our life has been at a standstill.  Now after the discussion last night shes pretty Much said she doesnt care about going on holidays and travelling places and I can go on them by myself if I need to. For some places this is fine but i have a strong passion for travel which she has always known about and its important to me and I thought we would be sharing those experiences together. I need to ask the question if she actually wants to go on any holidays with me at all or of I should expect to do this on my own in future however; I'm scared of where the conversation will go. If she absolutely says she has little to no interest in sharing my passion with me and she just wants to start planning for a child etc I'm not sure how I can respond. Were supposed to share our lives. I'm up for having a child together in a few years but she has little to no interest from what I can tell in sharing in what I want out of life. Is this a make or break? Should I just take her up on the offer and take off on my own holidays? It sounds stupid as "they're just holidays" but I work and iv always wanted to experience the world has to offer. I also keep thinking why did she marry me in the first place if we didnt share the goals I thought we did. I love her and she loves me but I feel like I'm going to be left choosing between what I wanted in life and what she wants right now. 

 

Hope this makes sense any advice? 

[Batya33]

How is it these are new to you after 7 years? Did she go through a massive change so that she loved travel and was meh about having kids back then? I'm sorry about your mother!

I've seen healthy relationships where one person loves to travel and the other doesn't so the person travels by herself.  Typically this is known early on in dating at least within the first 6 months to a year.  

As far as having kids.  My perspective is unless you are over the moon sure and excited about having a child then don't.  It's not fair to the child.  I'm a mom of a 14 year old and I knew from day one that my future husband and I were over the moon excited to be parents someday. We also had the same timing as to when.  Parenting requires that IMO because it's so time consuming, tough, challenging and joyous to those especially who really wanted to be a parent.  

Act in the best interests of a child and to me that means if you're waffling and not excited don't. If you think you'd be over the moon excited in a couple of years when you have your financial and lifestyle ducks in a row that's perfectly fine -but if it's more like stalling and "okkkkkk now we have more $/now I've traveled all over -Okkkk ready to give my spouse a child cause she wants one. Nope.  JMHO.

[sod98448]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

How is it these are new to you after 7 years? Did she go through a massive change so that she loved travel and was meh about having kids back then? I'm sorry about your mother!

I've seen healthy relationships where one person loves to travel and the other doesn't so the person travels by herself.  Typically this is known early on in dating at least within the first 6 months to a year.  

As far as having kids.  My perspective is unless you are over the moon sure and excited about having a child then don't.  It's not fair to the child.  I'm a mom of a 14 year old and I knew from day one that my future husband and I were over the moon excited to be parents someday. We also had the same timing as to when.  Parenting requires that IMO because it's so time consuming, tough, challenging and joyous to those especially who really wanted to be a parent.  

Act in the best interests of a child and to me that means if you're waffling and not excited don't. If you think you'd be over the moon excited in a couple of years when you have your financial and lifestyle ducks in a row that's perfectly fine -but if it's more like stalling and "okkkkkk now we have more $/now I've traveled all over -Okkkk ready to give my spouse a child cause she wants one. Nope.  JMHO.

Hi, thanks for the reply,

To answer your question she was aware of my love for travelling from very early on on the relationship. She used to be excited at the prospect of new places etc. My thoughts on having a child have never been flat out no. Mainly it's a case of we would need to have done what we want in life and have financial stability prior to having a child so iv always expected us to have a child at some point and my age limit of having one was 35. She always seemed happy with that plan. I have always also been aware that she wants a child however; she explained it as basically as soon as we got married it's like something clicked. The plan around having a child needed to be sped up. She did say she thinks the idea I have around financial stability etc before having a child is not going to work because theres never a perfect time. I'd like to give my child the best chance in life and part of that I feel is having the finances there to support. I grew up with a mum who was constantly stressed over finances working several jobs to make ends meet. She had kids young (she was and is a brilliant mum and I had a great childhood). My thoughts on it are in some ways we've lost out on 4 years and while weve come out the other side my focus is travel, save, then have a child I think she maybe looking at it as. That's 4 years gone and were no closer to having a baby. 

I think a big issue is also my struggle to communicate on serious issues. I dont say what I mean very well and I get tongue tied so I have been guilty on more than one occasion of brushing issues under the rug and hoping theyll go away or just completely shut down. She understands that about me and that's why last night we talked through it all. And it was good and a lot of the issues we were having we both agree can be worked on and we both needed to put more effort in but the subject of having a kid discussing that I thought we were good. This morning I woke up and i was left with more questions than answers. I should have brought them up last night but they didnt come to mind and even if they did I dont know if I could have worded it right at any rate. 

I might try speaking to her again about it tonight and see what she actually wants and expects with having a child (the whens the hows etc as it seems to have changed) and see how that lines up with my thoughts. 

Thanks again 

[Kwothe28]

Well yes, goals change as you go in life. Traveling the world is OK when you are 20. When you are near 30 you would maybe want a family. With that comes that you just cant have the same lifestyle and that the kid comes first. That includes travel. You will maybe never feel that way. You say how you just dont have an ambition to have a kid and that even if it never happens you would be OK with just traveling.

But your partner is another thing. She maybe wanted travel but now wants a kid and a family. Maybe wants to accomplish as a mother. For you to have a family together. To go to lame kids parties and live that family life. Instead of just you two traveling around and see places. I mean you can also do that with the kid there but the kid means its own obligations. Its not the same life.

And I am sorry, but I dont see how your goals would ever match. Either you would have to gave up your free roam traveling life or she would have to gave up the family life she wants. Those two are diametrally opposite goals and you are walking away from each other there a lot.

[Tinydance]

Well to be honest I don't think it's necessarily that your wife didn't share your goals of travelling, maybe she did. People can change a lot in their 20's though. There is a big difference between 21 and 28. I think maybe what she means by "something clicked" is that she wanted to settle down and have a family. Now the settling down part is done because she's married to you. She's almost 30 now and that's why she's probably realised that she's actually ready to have a child now. I think if she wants to be pregnant herself then that actually makes sense that she wants to do it soon. 

I think what you probably really need to think about is do you ACTUALLY want kids? I mean, you say you're open to it but if you're open then why are you not sure? You're 30, you're married. Is there something stopping you? It sounds like you've already travelled quite a lot in your life. I could be wrong but I'm just getting the impression that you don't want kids that much, so you're trying to stall it by saying you want to travel a lot first. Really think about this hard if you do want kids or not. Be honest with yourself.

I think if your wife really wants kids and you don't, it wouldn't work out. I know that's awful to think about because you just got married.  But I think you need to be true to yourself and so does she.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, sod98448 said:

 She wants a child sooner rather than later (shes 28 I'm 30.) I dont see the rush. 

Does she feel "the clock is ticking" for her?  Is this a matter of deferring having a family until later or wanting kids vs not wanting kids?

[sod98448]

3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well to be honest I don't think it's necessarily that your wife didn't share your goals of travelling, maybe she did. People can change a lot in their 20's though. There is a big difference between 21 and 28. I think maybe what she means by "something clicked" is that she wanted to settle down and have a family. Now the settling down part is done because she's married to you. She's almost 30 now and that's why she's probably realised that she's actually ready to have a child now. I think if she wants to be pregnant herself then that actually makes sense that she wants to do it soon. 

I think what you probably really need to think about is do you ACTUALLY want kids? I mean, you say you're open to it but if you're open then why are you not sure? You're 30, you're married. Is there something stopping you? It sounds like you've already travelled quite a lot in your life. I could be wrong but I'm just getting the impression that you don't want kids that much, so you're trying to stall it by saying you want to travel a lot first. Really think about this hard if you do want kids or not. Be honest with yourself.

I think if your wife really wants kids and you don't, it wouldn't work out. I know that's awful to think about because you just got married.  But I think you need to be true to yourself and so does she.

Thanks for this. Yes I'm going to sit down with her again and try talk ot out. Communication on big issues isnt my strongest trait. I struggle with it. I think part of the problem is 4 years if our lives were pretty much gone. I was a carer for my mum and she supported massively. We didnt have the freedom to continue what we were doing and we kind of got stuck. Now with new found freedom again weve gone from 23/24 (her) and 25/26 (me) to 28 and 30 and now priorities have shifted. I want to try and make up for lost time and she wants to start a family and now were stuck. Thanks again 

[sod98448]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does she feel "the clock is ticking" for her?  Is this a matter of deferring having a family until later or wanting kids vs not wanting kids?

For me deferring kids until later. She wants to start planning now but I just dont feel were in the right position financially or emotionally to do that. She says theres never a perfect time and i agree but we can try and make it close to perfect as possible before jumping in. 

[Batya33]

36 minutes ago, sod98448 said:

I think a big issue is also my struggle to communicate on serious issues. I dont say what I mean very well and I get tongue tied so I have been guilty on more than one occasion of brushing issues under the rug and hoping theyll go away or just completely shut down. She understands that about me and that's why last night we talked through it all. And it was good and a lot of the issues we were having we both agree can be worked on and we both needed to put more effort in but the subject of having a kid discussing that I thought we were good. This morning I woke up and i was left with more questions than answers. I should have brought them up last night but they didnt come to mind and even if they did I dont know if I could have worded it right at any rate. 

I might try speaking to her again about it tonight and see what she actually wants and expects with having a child (the whens the hows etc as it seems to have changed) and see how that lines up with my thoughts. 

How about this idea - write out what you want to talk about.  Read it to yourself. Edit till you like it and it seems clear.  Then read it out loud to her.

I see that she's changed her mind about really important stuff.  That's very hard.  And perhaps you weren't clear with her about your values, standards, timing, the practical stuff. 

Yes, get clarity and no word salad. Yes these are biggies!! But yes they can be discussed very succintly and in basic language with no overanalyzing psychobabble.  We absolutely were financially comfortable when we started trying to conceive but we were financially comfortable from the moment we started dating so that was never an issue. 

We've traveled a lot with our son and took him on his first international trip when he was 7, again at 9 and 13 (bigger gap um thanks covid).  We traveled domestically all over the place starting when he was an infant.  He's 14.  We love to travel.  It affects how/when we travel but we do it.  We don't focus on "kid friendly" either.  (Yes 1.5 trips to Disney so far, more planned but we go everywhere no matter what).  

I am not a fan of partners changing their minds on big issues and I also see perhaps you weren't clear enough with her and brushed things aside which is not ok with biggies IMO. Good luck!

[sod98448]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

How about this idea - write out what you want to talk about.  Read it to yourself. Edit till you like it and it seems clear.  Then read it out loud to her.

I see that she's changed her mind about really important stuff.  That's very hard.  And perhaps you weren't clear with her about your values, standards, timing, the practical stuff. 

Yes, get clarity and no word salad. Yes these are biggies!! But yes they can be discussed very succintly and in basic language with no overanalyzing psychobabble.  We absolutely were financially comfortable when we started trying to conceive but we were financially comfortable from the moment we started dating so that was never an issue. 

We've traveled a lot with our son and took him on his first international trip when he was 7, again at 9 and 13 (bigger gap um thanks covid).  We traveled domestically all over the place starting when he was an infant.  He's 14.  We love to travel.  It affects how/when we travel but we do it.  We don't focus on "kid friendly" either.  (Yes 1.5 trips to Disney so far, more planned but we go everywhere no matter what).  

I am not a fan of partners changing their minds on big issues and I also see perhaps you weren't clear enough with her and brushed things aside which is not ok with biggies IMO. Good luck!

Thank you. The other issue linked to kids we discussed was the financial aspect. I have a decent job. Decent family leave benefits etc and we are currently paying off credit card debt at a fast rate and will hopefully be debt free in the next 12 months. One thing she said was she was sick of having limited budget so buying new clothes etc and other luxuries was something we have had to limit due to paying off credit cards (we got a bit low for a while during covid and basically distressed by spending excessively) iv said to her I'm happy to reduce the amount we pay off monthly it just means it will take longer to clear and thinking about it I dont think she understands that when we have a child a hell of a lot of our spare money will be going on our child so luxuries that we once could afford may not be possible even then. I'll put pen to paper and see what comes out. It's hard. Even during our worst times with things happening out our control we always managed to be happy for the most part but now we are in a position that could break us and I cant help thinking "why did you marry me in the first place" loves a good reason but that's not enough of a reason to marry someone. She said because she was happy with me but I cant see how that can change so drastcially in the space of 4 months. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, sod98448 said:

Thank you. The other issue linked to kids we discussed was the financial aspect. I have a decent job. Decent family leave benefits etc and we are currently paying off credit card debt at a fast rate and will hopefully be debt free in the next 12 months. One thing she said was she was sick of having limited budget so buying new clothes etc and other luxuries was something we have had to limit due to paying off credit cards (we got a bit low for a while during covid and basically distressed by spending excessively) iv said to her I'm happy to reduce the amount we pay off monthly it just means it will take longer to clear and thinking about it I dont think she understands that when we have a child a hell of a lot of our spare money will be going on our child so luxuries that we once could afford may not be possible even then. I'll put pen to paper and see what comes out. It's hard. Even during our worst times with things happening out our control we always managed to be happy for the most part but now we are in a position that could break us and I cant help thinking "why did you marry me in the first place" loves a good reason but that's not enough of a reason to marry someone. She said because she was happy with me but I see how that can change so drastcially in the space of 4 months. 

So a couple of things.  Put pen to paper but I would heavily edit -do a bullet point list in order of priority.  Not just "see what comes out" and  then done.  It's not just about being happy.  It's whether your happiness is based on a common understanding, mindset, compatible goals/ standards.  I'm happy right this moment as my husband just said he'd walk our son to school.  I'm happy with him because he went again to our son's sports meet and it meant a lot to our son. 

I'm happy that he is healthy and that we have fun plans coming up. I'm happy I have him in my life -I'm a lucky lady!!

But the "happy" as far as long term relationship happy -that's different -that's not a fleeting thing.  For me it's not about 'happy as a feeling but feeling solid, secure, with a strong foundation - whereas happy is fleeting the core has to be unfleeting.  If at all possible. Because life throws us curveballs -in our lives, meaning our parents' disabilities and illnesses, relocating or thinking we might have to, the pandemic, etc etc. 

I had one day on my son's last day of kindergarten where husband was overseas, child fell with possible concussion, my mom 800 miles away had to take my dad to the hospital as he fell, then she had a heart attack in the ER and had to be taken to another hospital. Child got checked out-no concussion.  Couldn't go see parents as husband was overseas.  Had to find a way to get to school and get child in to doctor with all his last day of kindergarten stuff in a huge backpack and bags.

Had to monitor child all night -no sleep for me.  Had to make upmpteen phone calls re parents. Husband arrived home jet lagged and slept in next day.  Happy??  Not a happy time.  Solid marriage? For sure.  Had we not had the solid part that kind of situation -which is fairly common with young kids/aging parents, etc - would have likely bred resentment and eaten away at our "happiness". But if you have the solid core/similar outlook/mindset/goals - you get through that stuff.

I don't like that she's changed course in these dramatic ways especially about $ and when to have a child. That's concerning.  I think personally you need more than debt free to be ready to have a child but that's just me and I respect others' opinions!!

[Tinydance]

8 minutes ago, sod98448 said:

Thank you. The other issue linked to kids we discussed was the financial aspect. I have a decent job. Decent family leave benefits etc and we are currently paying off credit card debt at a fast rate and will hopefully be debt free in the next 12 months. One thing she said was she was sick of having limited budget so buying new clothes etc and other luxuries was something we have had to limit due to paying off credit cards (we got a bit low for a while during covid and basically distressed by spending excessively) iv said to her I'm happy to reduce the amount we pay off monthly it just means it will take longer to clear and thinking about it I dont think she understands that when we have a child a hell of a lot of our spare money will be going on our child so luxuries that we once could afford may not be possible even then. I'll put pen to paper and see what comes out. It's hard. Even during our worst times with things happening out our control we always managed to be happy for the most part but now we are in a position that could break us and I cant help thinking "why did you marry me in the first place" loves a good reason but that's not enough of a reason to marry someone. She said because she was happy with me but I see how that can change so drastcially in the space of 4 months. 

But surely your wife has mentioned before that she wants kids? So you knew she wanted this? To me it kind of comes across like you're trying to come up with some excuses why you can't/shouldn't have kids. You're talking about affording luxuries but if these luxuries are for yourselves then I actually don't think you'd even have time for them if you had a child. When you're a parent of a small child, especially a baby, you basically don't go out lol Your life just becomes about taking care of the child. So yes you would definitely have to give up a lot. 

I think what you need to think about is are you trying to put off having kids because you genuinely think you'll be more ready later. Like for example once you've travelled and saved up more money, paid off your debts. Or are you trying to come up with excuses because you don't really want kids?

[sod98448]

16 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

But surely your wife has mentioned before that she wants kids? So you knew she wanted this? To me it kind of comes across like you're trying to come up with some excuses why you can't/shouldn't have kids. You're talking about affording luxuries but if these luxuries are for yourselves then I actually don't think you'd even have time for them if you had a child. When you're a parent of a small child, especially a baby, you basically don't go out lol Your life just becomes about taking care of the child. So yes you would definitely have to give up a lot. 

I think what you need to think about is are you trying to put off having kids because you genuinely think you'll be more ready later. Like for example once you've travelled and saved up more money, paid off your debts. Or are you trying to come up with excuses because you don't really want kids?

Hmm. The idea of the luxuries thing doesnt phase me so much. I'm more concerned because she said she wishes we had more money for luxuries I dont know if she realises that when we have a child those luxuries will be even less. I dont feel like I'm making excuses my reasons for waiting have always been the same. Age limit on having a child 35. Requirements prior to that debt free, finances in order and for us to have each experienced what we want out of life prior. 4 years of that was a write off. We have a holiday booked for the date our debts will be cleared to celebrate. She mentioned about cancelling it in order for us to put it to use with preparing for a child.. but on the flip side shes also saying she wishes we could pay off less debt to have more money for ourselves. I think having a child would be great and when she asked if I'd be against taking a child on holiday I thought the question was ridiculous. I love history and culture and why wouldn't I want to share that with my child but kids are emotionally and financially stressful. Theres no way around that so my thought has always been if we have some level of financial stability it wont solve every possible issue we come across and every possible stress but at least finances arent one of them. I will think more on it because maybe your right and I dont want to hold her back from what she wants in life if I really am subconsciously putting it off because I just dont want them. Iv always been a person who if I am in the right position financially, emotionally and set up then yes to a child but if not then no I wont. She knew that about me but now it seems the timeline we had discussed has been changed and I'm trying to figure a way around it. Maybe I can't. I always knew she wanted children and in all honesty maybe we should have been cleverer earlier and started  saving and planning then but life happens and we didnt. Whatever happens it's not her fault. Things happen people change but I dont want 7 years to have been wasted if theres any possible way around it. I also want to make sure that its understood that once we have a child our priorities shift. Our life changes. Not in a bad way but it does and when she said "I wish we had more to spend on ourselves" just doesnt seem to correlate with that if that makes sense? Shes also worried I'll regret having a child.. I just dont know how that's possible. Why would I regret it? That would be our child. But she doesnt believe me. Also apologies to everyone if I sound indifferent around the idea of kids. It's just the way I talk. Communication as iv said is not my biggest talent on serious issues. 

Thanks again. I'm going to think about it properly and write things down.

[Batya33]

She does understand.  She just choose not to react in a practical way. If she truly doesn’t understand about basic financial stuff you’ve got a serious matter of concern.

Life happens and if the goal is important enough life happening doesn’t affect the planning process and if it does it’s an active choice not a passive oh well life happens. “We were going to save X amount for a future family but spouse needed emergency oral surgery for 3k without dental insurance so we could only say Y amount as a result. “

if you want a child in particular it’s really hard to indulge in “oh well life happens “   It’s in that category of responsibilities where you have to follow through on financial type or living type plans as much as humanly possible because just like with an unwell person where you are the main caregiver it’s wildly unpredictable so you don’t get to  make excuses   
I hope you two resolve this soon !

 

[boltnrun]

If you struggle with communication would you consider a third party to help? A counselor or therapist could be of great help.

Side note, what method are you two planning to use to have children? A sperm bank? A male friend? And who would be pregnant? Her or you? Or both?

[Jibralta]

6 hours ago, sod98448 said:

I also have nothing against it I just need time.

That's fine. But since you both know (and have always known) that she definitely wants a child, you should establish exactly when that time will be. 

There is a time window of practicality for parenthood. Even if you guys make the decision to adopt, you're not going to have the same energy level at 40 or 50 than you do in your 30s.

Her being certain that she wants a child and you feeling "nothing against it" basically means you guys ARE committed to having a child. Unless you come clean and admit you truly don't want a child.

[sod98448]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If you struggle with communication would you consider a third party to help? A counselor or therapist could be of great help.

Side note, what method are you two planning to use to have children? A sperm bank? A male friend? And who would be pregnant? Her or you? Or both?

I'm not sure about counselling but its something I can think about. And we are going to go down the reciprocal IVF route. My egg and she will carry. It's pretty pricey for one round so savings are a must and we may need a few rounds 🙂 we established that a few years ago. It's more the timeline that's shifted now. Theres more of a rush on it on her end than mine 

[Cherylyn]

If you're unenthusiastic about fatherhood,  you could very well resent being a father which is horribly unfair to your child.  If your wife really wants to become a mother and you're not thrilled at the prospect of fatherhood,  perhaps she's not the wife for you long term.  This problem will never go away.

Don't have a child if you think it's a compromise with wishing or hoping this will be the deal in order to travel with your wife or as a family unit. 

As an aside,  children are portable.  Granted, it's inconvenient to travel with a baby but it is doable.  When my sons were little,  my husband and I traveled with them. 

I'm a homebody whereas my husband enjoys being constantly on the go.  He did a lot of sightseeing during his numerous business travels all over the US.  He's sick 'n tired of flying and airports at this point so he got it out of his system.  However, he enjoys going places and I can't keep up with his level of enthusiasm so many times, he'll go (locally) by himself which suits us fine.  For example, weekend local car exhibits, stuff like that.  We don't have to do everything together. 

I agree with others.  Have in depth, calm discussions with zero distractions with your wife.  However, don't be married if you're not on the same page for the long haul with her otherwise you're just wasting everyone's time.  

[Coily]

While this is a big issue for you two to navigate, how is the relationship otherwise?

I have known other couples who this is a big snag in how they saw themselves in marriage. I think your wife is possibly reading about the complications and taking it to heart much more than yourself; have the two of you sought a medical professional's advice about pregnancy risks etc?

 

[Andrina]

You never mentioned what financial contribution she's made to your union. Have you discussed if one of you will stay home with a child and for how long? If you plan on using child care at some point, have you looked into that cost?

Have you considered she might be trying to sabotage your relationship, having freaked out about now being married--maybe something she's now questioning?

I'm not guessing this is the case. Just putting out a possibility of what could be. I do know of one couple who married after seven years, just as you did. The woman said it got to the point where they'd dated so long, they were at the point of either going their separate ways or marrying. Right after marrying, he started on her about her smoking, and being nit-picky and saying things to upset her.

There should be discussions of what will happen if IVF doesn't work, to make sure you're on the same page of that major issue.

Good luck.

[boltnrun]

36 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

If you're unenthusiastic about fatherhood,  you could very well resent being a father

This is a same sex marriage. Two women. She said this in her OP. Hence using her egg and her wife would carry the baby. 

[Cherylyn]

Just now, boltnrun said:

This is a same sex marriage. Two women. She said this in her OP. Hence using her egg and her wife would carry the baby. 

@boltnrun Thank you.  Ok, parenthood then.  No sense grudgingly agreeing to parenthood or acquiescing when you're unenthusiastic about parenthood and the next 18+ years of your life for another human being.  It doesn't stop at age 18 either.  You'll be forever tied to this person you brought into your world and your life. 

[sod98448]

42 minutes ago, Coily said:

While this is a big issue for you two to navigate, how is the relationship otherwise?

I have known other couples who this is a big snag in how they saw themselves in marriage. I think your wife is possibly reading about the complications and taking it to heart much more than yourself; have the two of you sought a medical professional's advice about pregnancy risks etc?

 

Our relationships always been good. Stable. Happy. Healthy. Then she distanced a little over the last month or 2 and this came up. We haven't spoken to any medical professionals about pregnancy risks yet but it's something we can consider. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

@boltnrun Thank you.  Ok, parenthood then.  No sense grudgingly agreeing to parenthood or acquiescing when you're unenthusiastic about parenthood and the next 18+ years of your life for another human being.  It doesn't stop at age 18 either.  You'll be forever tied to this person you brought into your world and your life. 

Especially when they have a brand new phone and text (50 minutes ago) "oh the track team left without me I was in the restroom".  Or "can you bring me a yogurt" because of new braces (one week ago) or the call from camp many years ago "his sneakers fell in the toilet while he was changing into his swimsuit".  Yes -tied like literally.  Better love that child to the moon and back and have enough thick hair as I do so tearing it out at times doesn't cause bald spots.......

It's on topic - you can read all the cliches and platitudes about how hard it is, blah blah blah - it won't really resonate till you're in it - hopefully like me you have a seriously demanding job with unpredictable hours so when you're awakened at 2am so you can flip the pillow to the good dream side it's like "oh right this is like when my boss used to call me at all hours with emergencies!"  It helped me.  I love being a mom, dream come true - cannot imagine handling stuff all these years without an awesome spouse who feels as I do about parenting and without this level of commitment and enthusiasm for parenting.  JMHO.

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, sod98448 said:

Our relationships always been good. Stable. Happy. Healthy. Then she distanced a little over the last month or 2 and this came up. We haven't spoken to any medical professionals about pregnancy risks yet but it's something we can consider. 

Don't go along with it if you're not 100% on board otherwise you will resent your decision and the child later.