What am I dating?

[Becky Sands]

Hey guys

I need some advice. I'm in a situation and I don't even know what that situation is!!

Weird I know.....so I'll elaborate.

I've been back with my boyfriend for a year now and we've started to hit bumps in the road. 

My parents have banned him from coming to the house as they do not like him. He has a vile temper, with which he can become aggressive. If something triggers him, doesn't go his way or annoys him in the slightest, he turns into this aggressor. He'll shout, he'll scream, he'll hit things and threaten the most evil of things. This is why they want no association with him.

I, for some unknown reason, try and see through this and try to make him a better person but he is starting to show this aggression towards me. If I say anything that he feels is out of place, he'll say he's ending our relationship. He'll called names, he'll belittle me, he'll post on social media (nasty things), changes his status, his photos, all within minutes and then he blocks me on everything. 

To give a recent example, his Aunt passed away recently and her funeral is on Friday. He asked me to go to support him, which as his partner is a given, but I have been contracted to work and my manager will not allow me the time away, as it is not an immediate family member. Also me being off would mean the office could not run. I told my partner this and he immediately turned on me. He screamed at me, he called me selfish and exclaimed that he would never forgive me. He then did the above.......termination, posts, blocking. He made out as though it was my fault and said he'd be there if it were me. The difference is he has never worked and so doesn't have the same commitments I do. 

Our relationship has been under strain anyway as he has moved in with another family member to care for them after an op. I hardly see him and when he does come back to the area, he wants to go out drinking. He never wants time with me alone. I don't expect it every time but once would be nice as we don't get time to ourselves now. I understand his position and have never stooped him from what he feels right but I'm struggling to find a way forward. When he is there, I hardly hear from him, he doesn't answer calls or messages. He always answer me when he is in the car......alone.

I'm struggling to get my head around it all, hence I'm confused as to what THIS is.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Cherylyn]

You are dating a monster.  My late father was a chain smoking alcoholic and wife beater who punched my mother's teeth out.  (Also chauvinist, womanizer, never paid child support, left my mother with 3 kids to raise by herself, heavily $450K in debt.) 

Your boyfriend will only grow worse.  Get out while you can.  Dissolve and exit this farce of a relationship immediately.  The sooner the better before you're injured or killed.  Save your life.  I side with your parents.  I wouldn't associate with him either and would ban him from my house permanently.

You can't make him a better person.  You can never change a man as my mother can attest.  She learned this lesson the hard way. 

[1a1a]

The way forward is to break up with him. 
 

Ask yourself if nothing changes how long will you stay? A month? 6? A year? 5, 10? Is this person a worthy candidate for life long commitment? Are they nurturing you and helping you grow? Do they bring a lot more positivity to your life than misery?

[SherrySher]

10 hours ago, Becky Sands said:

Hey guys

I need some advice. I'm in a situation and I don't even know what that situation is!!

Weird I know.....so I'll elaborate.

I've been back with my boyfriend for a year now and we've started to hit bumps in the road. 

My parents have banned him from coming to the house as they do not like him. He has a vile temper, with which he can become aggressive. If something triggers him, doesn't go his way or annoys him in the slightest, he turns into this aggressor. He'll shout, he'll scream, he'll hit things and threaten the most evil of things. This is why they want no association with him.

I, for some unknown reason, try and see through this and try to make him a better person but he is starting to show this aggression towards me. If I say anything that he feels is out of place, he'll say he's ending our relationship. He'll called names, he'll belittle me, he'll post on social media (nasty things), changes his status, his photos, all within minutes and then he blocks me on everything. 

To give a recent example, his Aunt passed away recently and her funeral is on Friday. He asked me to go to support him, which as his partner is a given, but I have been contracted to work and my manager will not allow me the time away, as it is not an immediate family member. Also me being off would mean the office could not run. I told my partner this and he immediately turned on me. He screamed at me, he called me selfish and exclaimed that he would never forgive me. He then did the above.......termination, posts, blocking. He made out as though it was my fault and said he'd be there if it were me. The difference is he has never worked and so doesn't have the same commitments I do. 

Our relationship has been under strain anyway as he has moved in with another family member to care for them after an op. I hardly see him and when he does come back to the area, he wants to go out drinking. He never wants time with me alone. I don't expect it every time but once would be nice as we don't get time to ourselves now. I understand his position and have never stooped him from what he feels right but I'm struggling to find a way forward. When he is there, I hardly hear from him, he doesn't answer calls or messages. He always answer me when he is in the car......alone.

I'm struggling to get my head around it all, hence I'm confused as to what THIS is.

Any advice would be appreciated.

End it.

This man is an abuser, and it's only going to get worse.

Honestly, I worry about your safety.

He needs help and it doesn't sound like he's anywhere near getting help, please end things before it gets dangerous.

[Kwothe28]

10 hours ago, Becky Sands said:

I'm struggling to get my head around it all, hence I'm confused as to what THIS is.

 

Abuse?

Abusers frequently turn things on you. Its not your fault that you have to work and its not your family member that died so you cant get off work. But he turned that on you. 

Consider yourself lucky if he leaves on his own and if this is the last you hear from him. Sadly I think there will be more troubles there.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Becky Sands said:

 he turns into this aggressor. He'll shout, he'll scream, he'll hit things and threaten the most evil of things. This is why they want no association with him.

 

Do you live with your parents? How old is he? Your parents made the right decision to ban someone violent and abusive. Please read up on abusive relationships. You can't fix or change him.

[Batya33]

You are there because you are in denial and probably have very low self esteem. Your parents are right not to let him anywhere near them or their home.  By the way -not a given to  go to your partner's aunt's funeral - it depends on the circumstances like is he really fragile and must go but you being there would be the difference between going and not going?

You seem to describe your situation passively and you pretend to be confused about why you tolerate it. Time to fake it till you make it. I mean if for some reason you're not reacting by distancing yourself right now it doesn't matter why -figure that out later maybe with a therapist? For now act "as if" you are a person who cares about her own safety. 

Take the steps Sherry suggested.  End it, get to a safe place -sounds like maybe you can stay with your parents and do the financial stuff you need to do if you are mingling your money with his.  And this needs to happen today -put it in motion today -he is not a safe person to be around.  Take pictures and record whatever he does -that is unsafe or aggressive.

Don't indulge in "but I love him" "but it's a given I'm his partner' -he's no partner to you and this is not love in any healthy definition. 

I'm sorry you are in this situation.  Today is the day. 

[Tinydance]

You can't make him a better person. First of all that's not your job, and second of all people don't change. I'm actually curious, why are you dating this guy? He's really abusive towards you and your family. Is there something you see in him that makes you stay in the relationship? I just don't understand why you're with him when most people are not abusive. That's just a very basic thing someone would want in a partner. Pretty much any other guy who isn't abusive would be a better boyfriend.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Becky Sands said:

 He'll called names, he'll belittle me, he'll post on social media (nasty things),  blocks me on everything. 

What am I dating?

You're dating an abusive monster.

[Coily]

Sadly you have blinders on to the depths of his disgusting behavior. This guy is not a project where you can improve this bestial behavior. You need to look for a way to end this relationship, you are in love with the idea of being in love.

 

[boltnrun]

He doesn't want to "get better". He has things exactly as he wants them.

14 hours ago, Becky Sands said:

he has never worked

So who pays for his car, his phone, his housing, his booze?

I struggle to understand what it is about him that inspires love in you. Let me guess, he can be "really sweet!" sometimes. He gives you attention. One time months ago he said you look pretty. Am I close?

Please let this most recent breakup be permanent. Block him from contacting you. See if your employer has an EAP for counseling. Your self worth is quite low and it's important to get to the root of why. 

[smackie9]

This guy has a personality disorder/ problem that can't be fix with love. He needs professional therapy....he has to want to change and take steps to do it on his own. I agree you are dating a very troubled dangerous person. Most women are murdered by the hands of their partner. End this before you get hurt. 

[SooSad33]

17 hours ago, Becky Sands said:

My parents have banned him from coming to the house as they do not like him. He has a vile temper, with which he can become aggressive. If something triggers him, doesn't go his way or annoys him in the slightest, he turns into this aggressor. He'll shout, he'll scream, he'll hit things and threaten the most evil of things. This is why they want no association with him.

So, why exactly are you STILL with this? 😕 

And no, you can't 'make him a better person'.  He's nasty!

Your parents have good senses and YOU should listen to that.  Heck, if my parents didn't want my bf around, I'd eventually come to see why. 😉 .

So, do YOU like the way he is?

It's all Toxic!  Then get away from this kind of person.  Save yourself... your mentality, your self respect. And as mentioned- stay away..far away and end ALL contact. ( as he may try to manipulate you - lay guilt or threats etc- if he doesn't get his way).

 

[HeartGoesOn]

You're  playing a dangerous game of Russian Roulette with this guy.  His abuse is likely to turn physical, sooner rather than later.

You can't change him, nor can you attempt to help him turn his life around, he needs professional help, and even then he may not go forward.  I'd walk away before he harms you physically or worse.  Please don't feel you're the exception to the rule...you're not.

[Justsomeone]

I dated someone like this - did similar things - verbally abusive, post negative stuff about me, blocked me, then stalked me. It was a rollercoaster of abuse. It did eventually turn physical. I would end up in hospital. I knew I would either try to kill him or kill myself. I eventually had the courage to call the police and put an AVO on him. You need to leave and end it as soon as possible before it gets worse and it will.

[Jaunty]

I'm wondering why you've posted here asking for help with a label for your relationship.

Why is that important?

Every instance you've shared is something that is unacceptable, which you are accepting.

You shared not a thing that is positive about him or your experiences with him.

Truly, this should be enough for you to know that it's a sick relationship and you need to take care of YOURSELF - by getting out of it.  

If you feel like you can't, there are outreach programs for women who feel trapped in abusive relationships.   Please reach out for help.