To the married folks or those in successful relationships

[Skyscrappers]

I am having been dating my girlfriend for 8 months now 

I really do like her personality but her appearance gives me concerns, she is not necessarily my type.... She is sweet and lovely, interesting and every thing good you can think of. (This is why i choose her to be my girlfriend because of those qualities)

I hope to get use to her appearance over time but i am concerned my that i might end up a bitter marrried man. i intend to marry her but her appearance gives me a little bit of concern.  

To the married folks or those in successful relationships. Was your partner everything you want to a certain extent or did you settle for them and then everything end up working out for good. 

[tattoobunnie]

When you love yourself, you can spot the beauty in others.

What you are asking if people settled, and it worked out.

Don't settle, but always remember, looks fade.  There will always be a beautiful woman out there that someone is tired of f--king.  If her looks concern you and you might feel cheated one day, that says more about what an insecure person you may be, then what it does about her looks.

Shallowness is an ugly trait, and she deserves someone who looks at her like a goddess.  Look within to be loving.

 

[waffle]

What specifically is it about her appearance that doesn't meet your standards?

[Coily]

The problem with looks is people will rush to say you're shallow for not ignoring the flaws.

I just recently ended a relationship, partly based on her looks. She wasn't the body type I find attractive, her features weren't what I'm typically attracted to, and she didn't really do that much to take care of herself. Now there were other cultural problems, but for the sake of this discussion we can leave those reasons out.

Yes looks fade, but there is a follow up question; will you still find them bearable as they age or go through changes? Or would you find yourself even more unattracted to them? It's one thing to see a feature as meh, but the whole person matters. Also don't let someone shame you for valuing physical appearance, it's like the women who will only date a man over 6'2", sometimes you have to weigh decisions based on what you can attract.

 

[Seraphim]

Well, I have been married 29 years next month. Is my husband super star looks wise quality ? No. He does meet my standards though . I think he is very handsome and I think he looks better over time even though I know we have both aged a lot in the 34 years we’ve been together . Believe me I have changed as well. I am nowhere near as pretty as I used to be. He says I am more beautiful with age . 🤣🤪 Poor guy is blind . 🤣Looks  are important, but I think nowhere near as important as what’s underneath looks fade good people don’t.

[tattoobunnie]

Just now, Coily said:

The problem with looks is people will rush to say you're shallow for not ignoring the flaws.

I just recently ended a relationship, partly based on her looks. She wasn't the body type I find attractive, her features weren't what I'm typically attracted to, and she didn't really do that much to take care of herself. Now there were other cultural problems, but for the sake of this discussion we can leave those reasons out.

Yes looks fade, but there is a follow up question; will you still find them bearable as they age or go through changes? Or would you find yourself even more unattracted to them? It's one thing to see a feature as meh, but the whole person matters. Also don't let someone shame you for valuing physical appearance, it's like the women who will only date a man over 6'2", sometimes you have to weigh decisions based on what you can attract.

 

Self care isn't about looks.  It's about prioritizing your diet, staying active, taking time for yourself, looking respectable.

But if the OP is saying, he wants to marry her, but questions down the road if he will feel cheated, that's on him, and his own self-sabotage.  Cuz quite honestly, no one has a crystal ball. One day, he may get into a car accident, and can't move from the waist down.  Should she just bail because he no longer has use of his legs?  He doesn't even consider that she could be questioning about staying with him, and his personality, like she is the lucky one to be with him.  To me, that screams insecure and deflecting.

[Cherylyn]

If appearances bother you,  then it will bother you later should you marry so your girlfriend will not make you happy as a husband. 

My husband,  sons and I are physically attractive.  We take good care of our health.  None of us are short.  We care about our grooming and we were never the ones to be total slobs.  However,  this wasn't the original prerequisite when both of us were dating.  Personality, character, compatibility,  good health and stable economics were our main focus and the fringe benefit of being attractive was a nice perk.  We had no control over our initial genes.  It just so happened to turn out the way it did. 

I've known a lot of couples who didn't care about physical appearance and they thrived.  It's really your personal decision and don't fault yourself if physical appearance is important to you because it's better to eliminate partners from your potential list now otherwise you're just wasting everyone's energy, resources and time.  Calling it quits now is better than coping with the hassle of divorce later. 

[Coily]

4 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Self care isn't about looks.  It's about prioritizing your diet, staying active, taking time for yourself, looking respectable.

But if the OP is saying, he wants to marry her, but questions down the road if he will feel cheated, that's on him, and his own self-sabotage.  Cuz quite honestly, no one has a crystal ball. One day, he may get into a car accident, and can't move from the waist down.  Should she just bail because he no longer has use of his legs?  He doesn't even consider that she could be questioning about staying with him, and his personality, like she is the lucky one to be with him.  To me, that screams insecure and deflecting.

You heavily misread my meaning, thinking my ex not taking care of herself was at all looks related. Sigh. 

I don't think this is all insecurity or deflection, it's the OP wondering if things he's not attracted to will grow to be bigger issues over time. I might be wrong, but it sounds like the OP is trying to avoid causing his GF pain over the long haul if he has doubts now.

 

[Batya33]

Have some insights as an old married lady. I almost settled more than once.  I was the Runaway Bride.  I did not settle -the opposite -with my husband. 

One of the men I almost settled for had an appearance I was sometimes turned off by -simply put -his facial features were not objectively good looking (I even got a look from an obnoxious female coworker who happened to be very pretty and dating a hot looking guy at a company holiday party as in "why are you with this guy?").  That is not why I ended things but it did affect, at times, my level of attraction to him even though I loved him.

If after 8 months you are not used to her appearance and it affects your level of physical attraction I'd cut my losses and move on.  If however it's just that sometimes you think she looks more attractive than other times well that's kinda different IMO.  

My husband was everything I wanted and objectively he's no Adonis and I am no ..... Adonis-ette. 

 And in hindsight -everything I wanted - and then some (because despite being 42 when we married I really couldn't have known how important certain qualities were and how they would support and grow our commitment and caring and love - until we were living together and brand new parents). 

I "still" think he's really cute/handsome - we're 56! - and I think he thinks I am too - he showed me pics of us from 25 years ago (when we first dated -first time around) and wow we ---- aged! I have wrinkles, I don't take pains with my hair unless I'm going out in public to see people, I wear tattered loungey clothes a lot -and he gained some covid-weight (which he is losing it seems), and his hair is thinning etc.  None of this bothers me or concerns me (weight gain yes but mainly for health reasons - and sure I "notice" it but not "Notice.").  He and I still want each other sexually, we kiss and hug every day and I notice regularly how cute he is.  

But -if his appearance had bothered me to the extent I'd wanted to post about it (to me that's a litmus test of sorts) - I'd have had to know I'd be settling.  And I wasn't gonna settle.  It's not fair to anyone!! I can see scenarios where I might have to get used to his appearance -we're going to age more and -heaven forbid -people have strokes (I did but no lasting paralysis) - or like I cannot wear contact lenses anymore. 

And I think I was an impossibly adorable glowy pregnant woman with far more good hair days than bad if I may say so myself but I mean it took me 5 months to lose all the baby weight and -I really don't know if that affected my husband's attraction to me -didn't seem to!  

But that's different -I think? - from having to get used to someone's appearance this early in.

Also even if it's something she can change she has to want to change it and that includes if it has to do with her weight (meaning not just overweight -body type, whatever).  And consider that another guy may not want her to change a thing and might be totally into her appearance just as it is.

After reading some of the other responses I offer this further thought - it's really important to me to stay slim/thin and physically fit. It's important to me for me.  I work hard at it both with exercise, diet, hydration and enough sleep (well I try re the latter). 

There's a small part of it that is for my marriage- my husband never ever said a word to me about my weight, anyone's weight, he doesn't focus on body type - but I feel that I can't control wrinkles (don't want botox/surgery)  -but I can control my weight/fitness/health.  And I feel more desirable and attractive when I'm at a weight I'm comfortable with and how my clothes fit, etc.  He tries to be active and stay fit but it doesn't bother me that he could lose some weight -my interest in my weight is only for me, not for him. 

But yes I do think married and committed couples should do their best to stay healthy, in shape and care about their appearance as far as keeping clean, carrying themselves with good posture etc as long as they can -meaning obviously there are disabilities, injuries, disorders, aches and pains that impact that!

I'm sorry -I know your heart is in the right place but please do not settle.  Good luck to you.

[Coily]

This might be a good read for the OP, as this thread on ENA is in a similar vein.

https://www.enotalone.com/topic/456490-attracted-to-his-personality-but-not-his-appearance/#comment-5790127

 

[Skyscrappers]

55 minutes ago, Coily said:

You heavily misread my meaning, thinking my ex not taking care of herself was at all looks related. Sigh. 

I don't think this is all insecurity or deflection, it's the OP wondering if things he's not attracted to will grow to be bigger issues over time. I might be wrong, but it sounds like the OP is trying to avoid causing his GF pain over the long haul if he has doubts now.

 

Exactly.....
its not about insecurity or what ever, i am just trying to learn from other people's mistake or actions,  who have been in this situation before 

I am looking out for her in the long run.. to avoid dealing with a divorce and so on. couple with kids.

[bluecastle]

My sense, when I see posts like this, is that what you mean by "her appearance" is your own lack of attraction. Is that about right? 

Can only speak for myself, but I can't imagine a successful relationship with someone I'm not wildly attracted to, since I consider that to be an essential ingredient and one of the primary ways a romantic relationship differs from a platonic one. 

Relationships change shape, looks fade, and so on. But that primal spark? I want it and need it to be part of the foundation, and wouldn't settle on something that didn't provide it just because the person is nice, sweet, aligning with other values, and so on. 

My few cents to spend how you see fit. 

[Seraphim]

6 minutes ago, Skyscrappers said:

Exactly.....
its not about insecurity or what ever, i am just trying to learn from other people's mistake or actions,  who have been in this situation before 

I am looking out for her in the long run.. to avoid dealing with a divorce and so on. couple with kids.

Then end it now if you are not attracted. Anything else is leading her on . 

[boltnrun]

Don't marry her if you don't find her physically attractive. Otherwise you'll be tempted to compare her to other people's wives and that's not fair to her.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Skyscrappers said:

I am having been dating my girlfriend for 8 months now

It's good you're thinking about compatibility. At 32 weeks dating the rosy glow wears off and some realities start to come into focus.

How old is she? Even if she's lovely, if you are already thinking about divorce and being bitter, it's best to set both yourselves free.

She may be someone's type, but she's not your type. Try not view the situation as a security blanket.  It's ok after dating a few months to realize your not a good fit. That's what dating is for.

[lostandhurt]

If you do not find her physically attractive then you are not being honest with her plain and simple. You want to tell your partner how beautiful they are and mean it, not just say it out of obligation.

 There is no such thing as perfection or the perfect person but attraction is attraction which is hard to quantify.  It is almost primeval.  I have been attracted to several different types of women but I have a specific type that I am drawn to like a moth to a flame and I couldn't explain why I am for the life of me.

 Starting a marriage when you are not madly in love and adore your new partner is a mistake.

Please don't put her in this position because one day she will figure out that you were never attracted to her and she will be crushed.

 Lost

[LootieTootie]

You're 8 months in to this and if you don't find her physically attractive, then most likely you never will.

And if you're asking this question now, then yes, most likely in the future you will feel like you settled when things aren't going right.

I say this from a happily married woman but I remembered my parents fighting and my mom and dad would say things like "I didn't even like you when we had to get married" or "I had to put so and so aside to marry you and I regret it. I could have been with them!" 

It's like they would only say those things when they were unhappy so I think if in the future, you do marry her, and things aren't going well, you will go back to "why did I settle?"

Because if you are truly happy with the person you're with, you don't even think about it even when times are tough.

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

I have been attracted to several different types of women but I have a specific type that I am drawn to like a moth to a flame and I couldn't explain why I am for the life of me.

What I really like about this for the OP -see that he accepts that he has a type.  See that he accepts that he actually can't explain the "why" but yet he honors and respects himself and his choice with the result that he can be genuine with others and not rationalize away being with a woman to whom he is not drawn to like a moth to a flame.  I don't have that situation -that specific a type -but I know it's normal and common!

It's also like -this is strange but has happened to me-I dated a few guys who were really attractive looking and in one case honest to god-his odor was not bad -he was a clean person! -but "off" to me- like a turn off.  And in a way I think it was a signal of not a good match because I also found him slightly effeminate which was a turn off to me too.  By contrast there were men where - nothing to do with cologne or deodorant or whatever -they just smelled -good -I was attracted.

[smackie9]

I tried dating someone I wasn't really attracted to physically...after a month I just couldn't do it. I ended it. I'm with someone that I found immediate attraction to when we officially met...I wouldn't have done it any other way. 

[boltnrun]

I dated a guy who very strongly resembles a popular and well known movie actor. All of my friends and coworkers were gaga over his looks. But I honestly didn't really like him that much. It was largely because he was a sexist, racist, egotistical, misogynistic oaf who also happened to be terrible in bed and had bad breath. But even objectively I just didn't think he was all that attractive. I was definitely in the minority as even waitresses would hit on him when I was sitting there with him. But he actually turned me off. 

I like men who have just a little bit something that's "off" about their faces. Maybe a broken nose or a scar on their eyebrow or a chin that isn't exactly chiseled. I can't stand the "pretty" or "model " look. Tom Brady? Nope. Channing Tatum? No thank you. Hemsworth brother? Not interested. Vincent D'Onofrio or David Duchovny, NOW you're talking. 

You don't have to marry her. The both of you can find the right person for yourselves. 

[Kwothe28]

47 minutes ago, Skyscrappers said:

I am looking out for her in the long run.. to avoid dealing with a divorce and so on.

Are you inclined to looking for other women? Would you be inclined if she doesnt satisfy you sexually in the future? How is sex? Are you compatible there?

Asking because its kinda weird to pull those questions after 8 months unless somerthing is just not clicking. And if it like that, then you better pull out of there now.

I have a rich friend. Anyway, when he had a desire to marry, he dated also rich women. So his last girlfriend before his wife was his childhood friend, dentist, also daughter of the dentists(their fathers are also good friends). But my friend was athletic and she was very "chubby". And also a bit spoilish. So he confined to me that he just didnt want to marry her. As she didnt really excited him no matter how he could make a life with her in future(he also thought about marrying her). So he left and afterward found his now wife. Also rich, also dentist, fathers also knew each other(both dentists also xD) but generally slim and pretty. His ex also found somebody else, married and has kids. Think I still have her on Facebook. 

Anyway, what I am trying to say is, dont marry her unless you are sure that you are compatible and that you wont be inclined in seeking somebody else after marriage. Dont be that guy. You both deserve to be with somebody who you would have a harmonized marriage that would last.

[Batya33]

Season 1 episode 6 Sex and the City -one of the subplots is so much like what you are talking about - man meets woman -man is out of her "league" (no I don't ascribe to leagues -this is what the episode concerns) -partly or mostly due to her appearance.  I realized you -IMHO -should watch this episode if you can find it -quite interesting and I think you will relate OP. The episode is called Secret Sex

[Cherylyn]

Looks are a nice perk to have but what I find extremely attractive is intelligence and emotional intelligence.  Also, do they keep their language clean?  Are they kind and very respectful?  Are they empathetic?  Are they generous or a tightwad?  How do they treat others?  Are they healthy?  Do they take good care of themselves?  Do they care for others?  Do they engage in gaslighting?  Are they sneaky or tricky?  Are they faithful,  loyal and trustworthy?  Do they tell they tell the truth?  Can I trust them as if my life depended on it?  Are they complicated or is communication easy?  Do they exercise discernment and discretion?  Do they pick and choose their friends wisely?  Can they provide a comfortable life or will it be a lifetime filled with heartache, emotional or economic struggle?  Are they easy to live with or are they an endless project?  Is this person a decent human being?  Are they moral?  Do they have integrity?  Are they normal or abnormal and weird?  Do we share the same values? 

Looks fade.  People grow old. 

I concentrate on the quality of enduring character  because to me,  nothing else matters. 

[Jaunty]

You are not in a good space to be marrying this woman.  

It's not "settling" when we find something within another person that makes us throw out our preconceived ideas about the "perfect" woman physically.  Our love can make us very drawn physically to someone even if they are not exactly what we consider gorgeous.  

This is not happening with you.  You talk about "concern" over her looks, you are worried about ending up "bitter" because of how she looks, and the possibility of divorce ... all because of her looks.  

If she were "Ms. Right" for you, you'd be seeing all the ways she's actually attractive rather than worrying about how much you don't enjoy her appearance.  This would be a very poor way to start off a marriage.

[smackie9]

Oh no there are those who are really attractive until they open their mouth. Then they become the ugliest person you have even known.