Reconciliation and Amends ~ Your experience please and thank you

[Cherylyn]

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Ya friendships/relationships will come and go throughout your life. I have walked away because I was growing as a person, and out grew the people I had in my life. I'm pretty relaxed, forgiving don't hold a grudge. I don't ever recall having blowouts, because I believe everyone can have a bad day, and I don't make a big deal out of it. I just let them be them, give them their space, circle back to see how things are going.  

@smackie9I can forgive minor transgressions.  That's easy.  It's the egregious or nefarious offenses which annihilates relationships.  A bad day?  Woke up on the wrong side of the bed?  Oh how I wish.  Circling back?  What circle?  There is none.  That circle was surgically sliced and cauterized. ☹️

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

For me it depends how many bad days and what type. 

@Batya33  Bad days and minor offenses are easy for me to overcome and reunite  compared to atomic bombs. ☹️

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

One of my friends tried to get me fired. We worked at the same place in the same department, but for some reason she felt threatened by me. She also wanted to get close to our supervisor, I guess so she could have a better chance at getting promoted. So she lied and told our supervisor I did something I didn't do. She even went so far as to tell our supervisor that my behavior was so extreme she was fearful for her own personal safety. Our supervisor took her word for it and asked me straight out why I'd said and done what my friend said I did. I was able to prove with documentation that I did NOT do what my friend accused me of. As for my friend feeling frightened, all I said was I couldn't speak for her but that I never raised my voice or made any threatening gestures or said any threatening words and since there were multiple cameras on us at all times she might want to check the footage. She found nothing to support what my friend told her.

After that I was done with that friend. Prior to that I had had her over to my home and we'd traveled together and I even introduced her to my kids. But after that false accusation I spoke to her only when necessary. 

A year or so later she became pregnant as a result of an affair she'd been having with a married coworker. The married coworker turned his back on her and refused to have anything to do with her or the child. I felt sorry for her despite the fact that she'd gotten herself into that situation through her own poor choices. So I reached out and offered support. She responded gladly. We slowly started spending  time together and I was there for her after her child was born and beyond. We are now friends again, albeit not super close as we live several hundred miles apart. But we make it a point to get together when I visit my former city.

Yes, I have forgiven her for trying to get me fired. Ironically our former supervisor has since turned her back on her and she no longer has a friendship with her. I guess she found out who her true friends are. 

Wow,  @boltnrun  you are definitely the bigger person than I'll ever be.  I would never forgive a friend nor anybody for betraying me nor would I offer an olive branch by freely giving support during their downfall by their own doing. 

What you did was commendable.  What stops me short is never forgetting a person's capability to be so evil during their weakest moments. 

I agree with @Lambert.  Usually, sound friendships or any relationship remains afloat on healthy footing.  Mutual empathy exists to resolve any issues.  Actions are put forth to constantly cultivate,  nurture and maintain friendships or relationships due to concerted,  sincere care and effort.  Generally,  it doesn't get so messy beyond reproach because there is self control,  grace,  emotional intelligence and both sides knowing the future rides on today's actions and behavior. 

There are harsh consequences in this life.  Some people get away with murder.  As @Lambert said, peace is best even if it's separate or estranged peace.  However,  I commend you @boltnrun because you took a bad situation and made it better with the person who betrayed your trust. 

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

Cherylyn, you've posted about your sister before, but I don't recall reading about your cousin.

Are these the people you're asking about reconciliation with?

Why would you want to reconcile with someone who did something bad to your son?  The fact that you clarify that it wasn't physical means nothing to me.  Bad things are bad things.  To your son!

Not trying to beat you up, but to get you to see that these are people who just don't belong in your life.  

Reconciliation is for friends or relatives who may have had a falling out with each other.  But when one person does something to hurt a child, in any way.....well that's a no-go ever.

I agree @Starlight925  It's one thing for grave quarrels between adults but to deliberately go out of your way to attack your child?  It breaks the cardinal rule. 

There is a hierarchy of offenses even in penal institutions.  Murderers,  thieves and robbers are at the top and at the bottom of the food chain are the child molesters,  rapists,  wife beaters, etc.  Child molesters,  rapists,  wife beaters, etc get beaten up or viciously raped themselves.  Therefore,  often times,  must be separated from the general jail or prison population otherwise they're dead meat.  Many murderers,  thieves and robbers vehemently blame child molesters,  rapists,  wife beaters and  child abusers for their tragic path in life and ending up behind bars.  Hence,  once word gets around for what the inmates are convicted of,  the lowest of the low have targets on their backs. 

And yes, @Starlight925  My sister's husband, my BIL (brother-in-law) verbally attacked and humiliated my son after he was congratulated for an achievement.  My BIL is insanely jealous if his wife (my sister) pays attention or compliments others.  Therefore,  he strikes with the "misery loves company" tactic by deliberately downgrading the person receiving attention or compliments from his wife.  My sister defends her husband because he provides her and their 3 children with a very affluent lifestyle.  My sister doesn't want to end up like my single parent mother,  move back to my mother's house with 3 children in tow and financially struggle for the rest of her life.  For her,  been there done that while growing up.  It's put up and shut up for her.  She bites her tongue and looks the other way due to her posh lifestyle.  He really throws his weight around and I know who wears the pants in my sister's family.  Money talks. 

 

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, Coily said:

Two stories.

One was a mentor of mine, we had a heated falling out over how a volunteer organization we were both elected board members in. It was a mess and harsh words were exchanged over the future of the organization. I publicly resigned and said my mentor was the reason why. We didn't speak for 4 years, I heard through the grapevine his wife was having a medical procedure (very minor); as he couldn't drive due to his own recent medical condition I called him up and asked if he needed help. I figured he just deleted the message, his wife called up the next day and asked if I would mind. He didn't want to be the one to ask. Later during her operation, he and I had lunch reminisced about the good times. We never apologized to each other, it wasn't needed; we remained good friends until he died.

The second was a relative of mine. The initial fall out was over politics, very heated and very accusatory. We briefly made peace, but it was always a lingering tension especially how vile I considered him. Come to find out, that despite him and his wife living in the lap of luxury, he was skimming money from his elderly father's bank account. I have never spoken to that <expletive> since that day.

Unfortunately what I get from reading your responses you aren't really ready to reconcile. You want them to apologize for how you think they have wronged you, until you let go of your bitterness you won't be ready to rebuild the relationships. You will be constantly waiting to demand an apology, to hold over their heads the past. You need to reconcile your heart before reconciling with your sister or cousin.

@Coily I commend you for being great towards your mentor's wife by helping with transportation needs despite no forthcoming apologies from the mentor.  You are the bigger person.  I wouldn't have done what you did because I'm risk adverse and fear getting burned again in any capacity. 

Fool me once,  shame on you.  Fool me twice,  shame on me.

That was very bad about your relatives skimming money from his elderly father's bank account in order to live a lap of luxury. 

You are the bigger person for forgiving a person despite no apologies forthcoming in a million years. 

In my eyes,  I feel that whenever people habitually cross the line regarding human decency,  they continue their chronic offenses because they get away with it all the time.  There is no punishment and there are no harsh consequences so they continue acting selfish,  their mouths go flying off,  they say whatever they want and do whatever they want while expecting others to blindly accept and tolerate them as is. 

I'm more passive aggressive.  I don't attack back.  I simply disappear into oblivion.  I eliminate people who dared to test me sorely.  If I can't avoid them entirely and our paths cross,  I enforce boundaries.  I'm civil but not to be confused with chummy.  I maintain a deliberate,  frosty  albeit polite distance.  

[Starlight925]

39 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

  Money talks. 

It's not just that money talks.  It's that people who like money, listen.

Many people would prefer to be on their own, less well off, than deal with a horrid partner.

Your sister listens to the sound of the credit card.

My story with reconciliation:

Became fast friends with a woman 20 years ago.  Went on trips, shared life stories, laughed a ton.

She went through some heartbreak, as did I.  But what I started to realize was that she talked constantly, without so much as a "how are you".  I'd look at my phone, and 1 hour would have gone by, with me so much as uttering more than "uh huh...uh huh...Really?  Uh huh".  When I would try and talk about my stuff, she suddenly had to go.

So, I stopped returning her calls.  Cold.  I unfriended her from FB.  I got nothing out of this friendship other than to be a wall upon which she could talk.

Fast forward 3 years ago, I got a FB Message from her (you can still send messages without being friends), asking what happened.  She missed me, etc.  Asked if it was because we disagreed over politics (it wasn't), etc.

I decided to call her and we had lunch.  We continue to have lunch about once every 2 months, and I never did say the reason.  Know what?  She talks & talks, can't get a word in edgewise, just the same as before.  My saying anything won't change anything, as this is who she is.

I still am her friend, but she's not a close friend to me.  Never will be.  I can't be friends with someone who won't take a breath to listen to me.  (my sister is exactly like this, and we are on a thin thread right now).

What keeps this friend in my life is my realization that she has a heart of gold, and her over-talkiness isn't out of selfishness, but more as a need to be heard.  (whereas my sister's is out of selfishness, 'nother story).

By the way, I'd never argue with someone over politics or lose a friendship.  I've actually completely done a 180 in the last few years, so many of my friends are still from "the other side".  We actually laugh over it.  These differences are what make us uniquely American; in other countries, political opinions are not allowed to be shared.  Me?  I embrace them.  So the funny thing is, this friend & I are now on the same side that I argued against her on (yes, I used to argue about these things).

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Starlight925 said:

It's not just that money talks.  It's that people who like money, listen.

Many people would prefer to be on their own, less well off, than deal with a horrid partner.

Your sister listens to the sound of the credit card.

My story with reconciliation:

Became fast friends with a woman 20 years ago.  Went on trips, shared life stories, laughed a ton.

She went through some heartbreak, as did I.  But what I started to realize was that she talked constantly, without so much as a "how are you".  I'd look at my phone, and 1 hour would have gone by, with me so much as uttering more than "uh huh...uh huh...Really?  Uh huh".  When I would try and talk about my stuff, she suddenly had to go.

So, I stopped returning her calls.  Cold.  I unfriended her from FB.  I got nothing out of this friendship other than to be a wall upon which she could talk.

Fast forward 3 years ago, I got a FB Message from her (you can still send messages without being friends), asking what happened.  She missed me, etc.  Asked if it was because we disagreed over politics (it wasn't), etc.

I decided to call her and we had lunch.  We continue to have lunch about once every 2 months, and I never did say the reason.  Know what?  She talks & talks, can't get a word in edgewise, just the same as before.  My saying anything won't change anything, as this is who she is.

I still am her friend, but she's not a close friend to me.  Never will be.  I can't be friends with someone who won't take a breath to listen to me.  (my sister is exactly like this, and we are on a thin thread right now).

What keeps this friend in my life is my realization that she has a heart of gold, and her over-talkiness isn't out of selfishness, but more as a need to be heard.  (whereas my sister's is out of selfishness, 'nother story).

By the way, I'd never argue with someone over politics or lose a friendship.  I've actually completely done a 180 in the last few years, so many of my friends are still from "the other side".  We actually laugh over it.  These differences are what make us uniquely American; in other countries, political opinions are not allowed to be shared.  Me?  I embrace them.  So the funny thing is, this friend & I are now on the same side that I argued against her on (yes, I used to argue about these things).

@Starlight925 Thank you.  I agree,  money talks and people who love money and what it can provide,  listen,  bite their tongue and look the other way.  It's easier than living in a cardboard box.  Unfortunately,  there are still 'Stepford Wives' out there.  My sister is one of them. 

Had my "nobody's perfect" late father not mercifully passed away when he did,  my mother told me she wouldn't have lasted with him anyway and I believe her.  She would've preferred to financially struggle than continue on the same abysmal marriage track with him.  My sister,  not so much. 

My mother monopolizes conversations reminiscent of your friend.  I've grown accustomed to her never caring to ask how I am,  my husband or sons.  It's been this way forever.  Since I can't completely avoid her, I keep my interactions with her to the bare minimum at best.  Boundaries.

I have a friend who doesn't come up for air.  She's an incessant talker and it's all about her and her endless woes.  However, in her case,  her good sides outweigh her jabber jaws.  She has given me a ton of money following deaths in my and my in-laws' families,  delivered home cooked meals to my doorstep after I brought my newborn sons home,  gives extremely generous monetary gifts for my birthday and Christmas,  her and her family were amazing to me when we were children and I can never forget that she truly does have a heart of gold.  💖

I hear you about how you differentiate between your talkative friend and your sister whom you are hanging by the threads with.  Same here.  We can relate. 

I'm an American.   I've never had a heated argument regarding politics since I tend to avoid controversial topics such as politics,  religion,  body parts,  medical choices and various conversations which could very well go awry.  Most people in my life share the same discretion.  There are different political parties,  religions,  medical choices and the like so my husband,  sons and I don't broach nor engage in dicey or risky conversations.  It won't end well whether on social media (FB),  electronic correspondence,  in person,  etc.  It's not worth the fight.  It's easier to put less effort and energy into it.

[Jibralta]

I've had one situation where I literally had to break up with a friend. Her name was Kasey. This was back in my early 20s, when I would go out pretty much every night. When we met, I was 21 and she was 24. In my young eyes, she was a full fledged adult with an actual career.

I know now (and I think I even knew back then) that Kasey was more of a partner in crime than a good friend. But she went through a lot of the "good friend" motions. You would think we'd known each other for years with the way she had framed pictures of us up in her apartment. She introduced me to her family and friends, and included me in get togethers and outings. She even visited me when I was away at college. Oh, and she was nonjudgmental, a trait which I really value. On the surface, she acted very warmly towards me. 

I liked Kasey and I enjoyed hanging out with her. But there were a lot of things that I found inconvenient about her. For example, she drank A LOT. There were three or four occasions where she got totally shtfaced and collapsed to the floor of the bar hysterically crying. I'd never seen anything like that. I ended up dragging her to her feet and out of the bar. 

She also had an exhausting need for attention and her relationship priorities were whacked. She a talent for convincing herself that a very Bad Idea was actually a Good Idea. I did at first try to appeal to her better judgment when I saw this happening, but I gave up once I realized that she wasn't interested in being realistic. Other than the fact that we both enjoyed going out, we didn't share much in common. 

The 'break' happened when she walked out of a bar, leaving me there talking to some random dude. Where I come from--and where she comes from too--you don't leave your girlfriends behind like that. We're very serious about having each other's backs. It also seemed like she left me there as an attempt to exclude me from the other people we were out with, who I didn't really know. It was hurtful.

I didn't return her calls for a few days. Unsurprisingly, she sent me an email almost immediately. She was on the offensive. She said that she felt like something was wrong. She had no idea what it could be. But, she said, everyone, including her, felt like I was "off" that night.

I don't know how she thought this conversation would go. But I don't think it went the way she thought it would. I still have, in my old hotmail account, the email I sent to her in response--this was in September 2000, almost 23 years ago:

Quote

Imagine you are out with a guy. You go to some bars, meet up with some people. He thinks every place you go sucks and would like to try someplace new. It’s ok with you, so you both get in your car and go.

The people you are with are his friends. You don't really know them. Imagine they all exit the bar and leave you standing all by yourself in some unfamiliar place.

When you say something about it to the guy, he shrugs his shoulders and says, “I wanted to wait out here. You knew we were leaving,” as if it made it ok for him to leave you there. At least one of his friends acts like your protest is ridiculous.

Would you ever want to speak to that guy again? Me neither. Who wants a guy who walks out on you without a second thought? For that matter, who wants a guy who walks out on you with a second thought?

I know you’re not a guy, Kasey. Even so, the principle remains the same.

I think it's funny that I used a dating analogy. I really had my sht together with dating lol. 

Anyway, I'm sure Kasey wrote me back some self-righteous guilt-trip nonsense, but that email has since disappeared. Too bad. It would be fun to read now, 20+ years later. 

The really funny thing is that I accidentally dialed her number not long after the email exchange. I hung up the second I realized what I'd done--the phone barely rang. But it registered on her caller ID and she called me back later that night! I was sleeping. I think she'd been out. I explained that I dialed her number by mistake. She asked, "Is there anything you want to talk about?" I said, "No," and we hung up. That was a little bit sad. I think that was the last time we ever spoke. And we somehow managed to never cross paths after that. 

I think it was an uncomfortable, awkward feeling for a while. But in my mind, it was better to feel weird for a while than have a crap friend who I can't trust.

Other than her, I don't think any of my relationships have ended in a falling out or an argument. It's mainly been one of us outgrowing the other, or our respective "friendship needs" changing. I don't have a lot of friendship requirements. I don't need to talk a lot or see people a lot. But I do want the people in my life to be nice, be fair, be a friend. I think Kasey is actually the only person I've lost touch with who I would not welcome back into my life.

[Cherylyn]

22 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Other than her, I don't think any of my relationships have ended in a falling out or an argument. It's mainly been one of us outgrowing the other, or our respective "friendship needs" changing. I don't have a lot of friendship requirements. I don't need to talk a lot or see people a lot. But I do want the people in my life to be nice, be fair, be a friend. I think Kasey is actually the only person I've lost touch with who I would not welcome back into my life.

Thank you @Jibralta.  I'm sorry about your bad experience with your former friend,  Kasey.  She neglected you at the bar with some random dude.  She was extremely disrespectful and indifferent. 

It's true,  friends or others outgrow each other for a multitude of reasons.  I'm reminiscent of you.  I don't need to talk a lot or see people a lot either.  I'm quite content being a homebody whenever I don't have other demands on my time such as employment,  errands and such.  However,  like you,  naturally, I expect people in my life to be kind,  respectful,  boundary minded,  exercise discretion, practice common decency and common courtesy.  It's not rocket science. 

Unwelcome people remain unwelcome for a reason.  They've tested you sorely and no sense getting burned again.  Once was enough.  In my case,  I actually took some people back to give them yet another chance and I was burned more than once. 

I need to erase nostalgic thoughts from my brain because we're different people now.  Innocent times  back in the day are no more. 

[Jibralta]

41 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I need to erase nostalgic thoughts from my brain because we're different people now.  Innocent times  back in the day are no more. 

I hope that you can find a way to do that. I think it will help. 

I am lucky that I never felt nostalgia for her... maybe that was because we never really connected on an important level. I felt confusion and pain, but those feelings fade to nothing.

Nostalgia is tricky.

[Cherylyn]

4 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I hope that you can find a way to do that. I think it will help. 

I am lucky that I never felt nostalgia for her... maybe that was because we never really connected on an important level. I felt confusion and pain, but those feelings fade to nothing.

Nostalgia is tricky.

Thank you @Jibralta.  You are lucky that you never had that nostalgic pull towards your ex-friend and your feelings faded to nothing over time. 

My feelings of nostalgia towards my cousin stems from being close to her ever since we were children despite both of us residing 400 miles apart.  Our families drove all day and into the evening to visit each other during the year.  We celebrated holidays,  summers and special occasions together.  Prior to the Internet,  we corresponded via weekly or monthly postal mail (snail mail) for many years. 

Then it happened.  Her predatory husband physically harassed 14 women including my cousin's mother,  stepmother,  aunt,  friends,  neighbor,  niece and me!  Try as I may,  it's very difficult to forgive him and my husband lost all respect for him, too.  To add insult to injury,  my cousin took advantage of my son (not physically) for months.  My cousin is not the same lady I once knew.   She had a vicious disregard for my motherhood and went after my kid. 

I try to see goodness in people but nowadays,  taking risks to reconcile is a gamble not unlike poker which means it's a lose-lose situation.  The odds don't look good.  @Lambert made a good point with asking yourself if you'll benefit from reconciliation?  Most likely,  going backwards will only give perpetrators permission to harm you and your loved ones again.  It's too painful for history to repeat itself. 

 

[Lambert]

6 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

going backwards will only give perpetrators permission to harm you and your loved ones again.  It's too painful for history to repeat itself

this is really the point of ending things with certain people. There will always be people that see the decision as harsh and encourage you to turn the other cheek.  It's easy to say. 

However, when you're in a situation that you can't accept, then it's on you to stay true to yourself.  

If I can't trust and respect you to do better by me, what's the point of a relationship? 

[smackie9]

We are obviously two different people. I don't let it get under my skin...because if I do, they win. I won't let anyone's bad behavior win....but that's what they want, their goal is....for you to feel pain anguish and hate. Ya can't live like that. Live is too short to let these wieners take hold of you. I can't say this shift in attitude can be achieved over night...but it can over time.  Maybe read "The Secret". It could help you deal with this better. 

[boltnrun]

10 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

We are obviously two different people. I don't let it get under my skin...because if I do, they win. I won't let anyone's bad behavior win....but that's what they want, their goal is....for you to feel pain anguish and hate. Ya can't live like that. Live is too short to let these wieners take hold of you. I can't say this shift in attitude can be achieved over night...but it can over time.  Maybe read "The Secret". It could help you deal with this better. 

Also, these people usually end up with the worse end of the deal. A former friend cut me off because I got a boyfriend (!). I tried a few times to reach out to her but she ignored my attempts. So again I just let it go. Later on I found out her two remaining friends moved across the country, leaving her with basically no friends. She was already fragile mentally and her sister told me she ended up spending time in a mental institution. That's really sad, but if she hadn't cut me off for the unforgivable sin of getting a boyfriend I could have provided support. I don't hate her (have no reason to), I just find the whole thing unnecessary and unfortunate.

[bluecastle]

I'm curious: When you started this thread were you considering reaching out to your sister? Or were you wondering how you'd react on the chance that she extended an olive branch? 

From this and other threads, both yours and in your response to others, it's clear that your childhood and related rift with your sister continues to unsettle you and is a source of fiery anger. Big hugs there. Other's have asked if you've ever considered working through some of it with a therapist, and I can't help but notice how those comments get no response from you. Is it simply not something you're interested in?

 

[smackie9]

I too see the fiery response, which makes me feel you have emotions that are the cause and effect of your turmoil within. I suspect someone may had made suggestions to seek out therapy which can be insulting/frustrating to those who have strong/set attitudes. This causes more anger, helplessness, frustration because no one wants to admit weakness/vulnerability. BUT the only person that can pull you out of this vortex is yourself and the choice will be yours of course....when you are ready to/ in your own time. Have a think for the next few weeks about it and see where you are at with this. Sometimes that explosion/release you just had is what you needed to pave the way to healthier thought process. 

[Cherylyn]

5 hours ago, Lambert said:

this is really the point of ending things with certain people. There will always be people that see the decision as harsh and encourage you to turn the other cheek.  It's easy to say. 

However, when you're in a situation that you can't accept, then it's on you to stay true to yourself.  

If I can't trust and respect you to do better by me, what's the point of a relationship? 

Thank you @Lambert.  Turning the other cheek.  I've read that in the Bible too and even He enforced boundaries. 

Can I love Judas anyway?  I'm not that noble. 

I agree about staying true to yourself.  The problem with me is that I tend to get soft on perpetrators.  Nostalgia and remembering good,  innocent times clouds my judgment.  I can be too nice to a fault which is weakness as a do-gooder.  I need to be more strict by sticking to my principles and remain steadfast and unwavering.  This essentially means certain unforgivable behaviors are real,  permanent deal breakers.

I agree,  if you've lost all trust in a person,  the relationship is dead. 

 

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

We are obviously two different people. I don't let it get under my skin...because if I do, they win. I won't let anyone's bad behavior win....but that's what they want, their goal is....for you to feel pain anguish and hate. Ya can't live like that. Live is too short to let these wieners take hold of you. I can't say this shift in attitude can be achieved over night...but it can over time.  Maybe read "The Secret". It could help you deal with this better. 

Thank you @smackie9.  Yes, we're two different people and also two different circumstances.  I'm a pretty forgiving lot if offenses were relatively minor.  If offenses were egregious,  nefarious and major,  then it's a real permanent deal breaker. 

My husband writes a list of pros and cons.  He said if the cons outweigh the pros in a friendship,  then its over and a done deal.  This applies to friendships,  relationships,  etc. 

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Also, these people usually end up with the worse end of the deal. A former friend cut me off because I got a boyfriend (!). I tried a few times to reach out to her but she ignored my attempts. So again I just let it go. Later on I found out her two remaining friends moved across the country, leaving her with basically no friends. She was already fragile mentally and her sister told me she ended up spending time in a mental institution. That's really sad, but if she hadn't cut me off for the unforgivable sin of getting a boyfriend I could have provided support. I don't hate her (have no reason to), I just find the whole thing unnecessary and unfortunate.

Thank you @boltnrun  Unforgivable sins.  <=== That right there is the crux of the matter.  The problem with me is I tend to be too nice and take people back into my life for nostalgia's sake.  I need to be more forthright by remaining steadfast and unwavering with my convictions.  Being too nice and soft is to my detriment.  I have to remember how people were and what they're capable of in order for me to have my wake up call.  Being stern isn't my nature so it's an adjustment for me to be strict and cold. 

I'm sorry about what you went through.  I agree,  the whole thing was unnecessary and unfortunate.  The problem is many times,  becoming emotional during arguments clouds judgement.  Hence,  cross words were exchanged instead of resolving disagreements calmly,  intelligently,  kindly and peacefully.  Fights don't have to happen if communication was handled without impulsive,  heated emotions.    

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

  cross words were exchanged instead of resolving disagreements calmly,  intelligently,  kindly and peacefully.  Fights don't have to happen if communication was handled without impulsive,  heated emotions.    

In my cases no "cross words" were ever exchanged. I don't do that. In my most recent example she just stopped answering my calls and didn't return my messages. I found out through a third party that she was angry I'd found a boyfriend and that meant I wouldn't be going out to party with her anymore. But in my mind having a boyfriend didn't mean we wouldn't spend time together. She just never gave me a chance to tell her that. And in my first example my former friend sent me angry texts but I didn't engage. I didn't see the point when she obviously had made up her mind. I did attempt to defend myself but she didn't want to hear it. Oh well!

[Cherylyn]

5 hours ago, bluecastle said:

I'm curious: When you started this thread were you considering reaching out to your sister? Or were you wondering how you'd react on the chance that she extended an olive branch? 

From this and other threads, both yours and in your response to others, it's clear that your childhood and related rift with your sister continues to unsettle you and is a source of fiery anger. Big hugs there. Other's have asked if you've ever considered working through some of it with a therapist, and I can't help but notice how those comments get no response from you. Is it simply not something you're interested in?

 

Thank you @bluecastle.  I won't reach out to my local sister.  After she called me a liar and since she has no intentions of ever humbly nor sincerely apologize,   we're at an impasse and there's a stalemate.  In the past, when something similar happened,  I am the one who actually foolishly groveled in order to get back into her good graces.  I'm not doing that anymore.  Actually, she gave me ammunition and power in the family dynamic with my local relatives,  local in-laws and sister-ship. 

She love bombs me.  She invited my local in-laws and us (husband / sons / me) to her holiday parties last year which we've all declined.  We have the convenience of declining future invitations regardless of the occasion.  For every future encounter, I can always say this to her:  "Why would you want a liar in your life?"  She has no wiggle room  nor defense.  She's the one who put herself in a dilemma and she knows it.  I've saved everything such as her electronic trail and everything was backed up and saved on cloud.  I have prints of everything, too.  I have evidence and proof.  She knows she's hosed.

To add insult to injury,  my BIL (my sister's husband - my brother-in-law), has major "foot in mouth disease" problems.  Whenever my sister speaks to others,  he habitually interrupts her ALL THE TIME which is maddening.  He prefers to be her sole and only focus.  He's insanely jealous if she pays attention to anyone except him.  He follows her around like a lost puppy.  If she speaks to hers, he paws her all the time.   If she compliments others,  he'll humiliate them publicly by downgrading the person she's complimenting which he did to my younger son after he eclipsed his uncle with his achievements.  Inappropriate comments were spewed to my husband, other son and me through the years. We forgave, forgave, forgave.   It was the last straw when he went after my kids.  It was too much and she defends her husband because he makes a lot of money and she's not going to give up her affluent lifestyle.  Money talks.  I know who wears the pants in their family. 

It's my cousin whom I was considering reconciling and making amends with.  I was actually closer to my cousin than my sister due to being closer in age with my cousin.  We were incredibly close as children despite both families driving all day and night in order to visit one another several times a year.  We also corresponded via postal mail every week, every month for decades.  It was wonderful.  I could tell her everything and likewise for her.  Our husbands were friends.  

Two atomic bombs happened courtesy of my cousin and her husband.  My cousin took advantage of my younger son (not physically).  Her husband pulled the back of my bra strap not once but twice one morning when we treated them to brunch in my area.  I was younger back then and didn't tell anyone including my husband because I thought no one would've believed me.  My husband, sons and I waved them off at the curb that cold February morning.  This was after I had sewn a huge baby quilt and gave her an expensive diaper bag because she was 6 months pregnant with her first child. 

Without explaining, I cut her off.  We were estranged for years.  Then I reached out to her.  We rekindled our cousin ship.  When she drove 10 hours to visit me,  we walked to a neighborhood park and sat on a bench.  I told her what her husband had done to me.  She revealed to me that her predatory, very jealous husband did the same to her mother,  stepmother,  our aunt,  her friends,  niece and neighbor!  Also, she took advantage of my younger son (not physically).  When I finally told my husband,  he said he never wanted to see them again.  My husband didn't forgive her for what she did to our son and he was disgusted by what my cousin's husband did to me and 14 other women.  He didn't forgive my cousin's husband.   

When I told my husband that the "nice me" wants to reconcile with my cousin and her husband,  he said that for my sake,  he'll be civil towards them albeit it will be awkward.  The problem with me is that nostalgia clouds my judgment.  I need to accept that people change dependent on life's harsh circumstances,  whom we marry,  the type of life they give us and they're not the same people anymore.  That is what I need to reconcile.  Hope and wishful thinking do not mesh.  The good thing about gambling and risk is that it reminds us that the likelihood to lose is to be expected despite good intentions to make amends and reconcile.  Trust had been irrevocably broken.  It's like trying to glue a shattered vase back together again.  Despite efforts to patch things up,  it's an effort in futility.

My hairstylist told me that she had a falling out or huge quarrel with her friend.  After years of estrangement,  one of them reached out to the other.  They met for dinner.   After that, the friendship fizzled.  My hairstylist said, "The friendship was never the same."  That's a sobering reality. 

My husband is my therapist.  🙂  He's a no nonsense man.  He doesn't accept nor tolerate anyone's ________. 

[Cherylyn]

37 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

In my cases no "cross words" were ever exchanged. I don't do that. In my most recent example she just stopped answering my calls and didn't return my messages. I found out through a third party that she was angry I'd found a boyfriend and that meant I wouldn't be going out to party with her anymore. But in my mind having a boyfriend didn't mean we wouldn't spend time together. She just never gave me a chance to tell her that. And in my first example my former friend sent me angry texts but I didn't engage. I didn't see the point when she obviously had made up her mind. I did attempt to defend myself but she didn't want to hear it. Oh well!

Thank you @boltnrun.  You are lucky that no cross words were exchanged.  I agree,  having a boyfriend doesn't mean you can't spend time with your friend.  It's unfortunate,  you never had a chance to tell her that. 

It was wise not to engage in your friend's angry text.  Being defensive ends up in a losing situation.  Both sides end up defensive. 

 

[Seraphim]

No matter your decisions this is bothering you intensely . Partners are not therapists and certainly not impartial. I am not suggesting that you get back together with any of these people however, I am suggesting therapy because it seems you just can’t let this go so the therapy is for you to learn to let go, NOT to accept people back into your life. 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

The only person that can pull you out of this vortex is yourself and the choice will be yours of course....when you are ready to/ in your own time. Have a think for the next few weeks about it and see where you are at with this. Sometimes that explosion/release you just had is what you needed to pave the way to healthier thought process. 

Thank you @smackie9.  I need to stop being so soft and nice.  It's against my nature to be so cold and calculating but sometimes,  in this life,  we have to be otherwise we won't survive.  In the past, I had the tendency to foolishly grovel even when it wasn't my fault!  I tend to be weak and sweet when I should be tough and icy when called for.  Nostalgia clouds my judgment,  unfortunately.  I need to accept that perpetrators had changed to become harsh, mean and desperate especially when they despise the cards they were dealt with.  Hence, the dynamic is no longer innocent and nice either.  That's life.

 

[Cherylyn]

4 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

No matter your decisions this is bothering you intensely . Partners are not therapists and certainly not impartial. I am not suggesting that you get back together with any of these people however, I am suggesting therapy because it seems you just can’t let this go so the therapy is for you to learn to let go, NOT to accept people back into your life. 

Thank you @Seraphim .  I'm actually NOT accepting perpetrators back into my life.  I'm working on no longer being so soft,  sweet and nice nor nostalgic which tends to cloud my judgement. 

Is anyone here nostalgic? 

I'm working on being more frosty and steely tough just like winter weather which is an adjustment because it's not my personality but I'm getting there!