Were his drunken words sober thoughts? Help

[lou_lou82]

Sorry this is so long!!

I met this man a year ago. I just gotten out of a 9 year relationship and he was 2 years out of a 17 year relationship. He dated some but nothing serious.  We got ourselves into a "situation ship" as you will, started as FWB. He stated a few times early on I just want you to know you can't fall in love with me I said I'll be fine and I am not looking for a relationship.

So we hooked up for about 4 or 5 months and he randomly ask me if I was sleeping around and I said no, and he said he wasn't either and we agreed to only sleep with each other.   Maybe a month or so later he would randomly ask me if I missed him. I would joke and be like of course I do. There was always a heavy physical attraction between us.  About 7 months in we started actually hanging out after a deep conversation about life and our pasts, there was a connection on an emotional level after that.  We would go out, meet up. I have met his closest friends and sister, he met my friends but never dinner or anything just drinks. He would come to my house and watch a movie or tv or vise versa. During sex one night he told me he loved me. I kinda blew it off because I figure it was just in the moment and he was drunk. He said it 2 other times after that, and his one good friend told me he said he loved me. I care for him deeply and someone I could eventually see a future with when I get my head right.  He never said it again but one night he said we had amazing chemistry and he never felt that way about anyone since he left his ex of 17 years, yes we were drinking this night also but I very much agreed to that. Then he started telling me that he had feelings for me. Randomly while we would be out or just sitting on the couch. 

One day I asked him early in the day to hang out, never heard back from him. I am used to that, if we were busy we just didn't respond to each other. This day was different though, I got extreme anxiety I messaged him and said I was sorry if I did something wrong that he wasn't responding.  He did finally call me the next day and said something very tragic happened to someone close to him and he had witnessed something no one should, and I won't state the exact situation on here, but my heart shattered for him..  After this we did start hanging out less like 2 times a week instead of 4-5, his doing not mine. 

Fast forward  he kept saying he wanted to go away and spend a weekend together repeatedly. About 2 weeks ago after he said it again I looked up a place and sent a text saying I would like to go here with you when is good for you? He never responded, but messaged me the next day to hang out. Never spoke about the message. About a week ago he said he was going to visit his friend in another state and I lost it because he repeatedly would say he wanted to go away but ignored me when I asked him to and he said that him ignoring me was my answer.  I asked why you would even ask me then? And then I asked  what do you even want from this and he said that he only sees me as a friend. I asked why he told me that he loved me if I am only a friend and he said he never said that but he does care for me, thinking we would continue. I got up and left and told him to delete my number. I deleted him off all my socials and have been no contact. I am completely heartbroken, I now know cared more than I thought. It is driving me absolutely mad as to why he would say any of that stuff and then say he never said it because it did start putting things in my head. Did I miss my "chance"? Maybe the trauma he experienced has made him push me away? Just looking for opinions from people other than my friends.

FYI he is not a bs'er and one of the most honest people I ever met before his last statement. 

[smackie9]

We can't say....in time you will find out what happened. 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, lou_lou82 said:

 I asked  what do you even want from this and he said that he only sees me as a friend. . I got up and left and told him to delete my number. I deleted him off all my socials and have been no contact. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately he only wanted FWB and sadly those often don't end well because of this type of misunderstanding. He kept his aloofness but you invested your feelings. Stay no contact and reflect if you dodged a bullet in the long run.

[lou_lou82]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately he only wanted FWB and sadly those often don't end well because of this type of misunderstanding. He kept his aloofness but you invested your feelings. Stay no contact and reflect if you dodged a bullet in the long run.

Thank you, I plan to stay no contact.

I guess my question should of been why would a man say those things if they didn't mean them?  We were fine how we were so it wasn't like he had to say something just to keep me around.  

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, lou_lou82 said:

Thank you, I plan to stay no contact.

I guess my question should of been why would a man say those things if they didn't mean them?  We were fine how we were so it wasn't like he had to say something just to keep me around.  

He may have meant it at the moment but his actions show he didn't want a relationship with you. He did enjoy the benefits of pretending to be a couple but since you two have a monogamous sexual arrangement he knew as long as you kept your promise he was safe sexually and wouldn't be leading you on as far as interest in a relationship. People can express loving feelings to people they don't want a relationship with of course. 

[lou_lou82]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

He may have meant it at the moment but his actions show he didn't want a relationship with you. He did enjoy the benefits of pretending to be a couple but since you two have a monogamous sexual arrangement he knew as long as you kept your promise he was safe sexually and wouldn't be leading you on as far as interest in a relationship. People can express loving feelings to people they don't want a relationship with of course. 

Thank you! It is helping me see others opinions.

As a female in this situation, when a man tells you he loves you and has feelings for you repeatedly, you start think he actually means it, even in this situation. I would never say it just to say it, and that is why I never said it back to him. 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, lou_lou82 said:

I would never say it just to say it, and that is why I never said it back to him. 

Some people are much more frivolous with their words than you are.

This is a deceptively simple statement with a lot of truth in it.

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, lou_lou82 said:

I won't state the exact situation on here, but my heart shattered for him..  After this we did start hanging out less like 2 times a week instead of 4-5, his doing not mine. 

How long ago was this event, and has his behavior changed in other ways beyond cutting down the time you spent together?

I'm so sorry he hurt you.

[MissCanuck]

12 hours ago, lou_lou82 said:

Did I miss my "chance"?

No, because unfortunately there never was one. 

He has always kept some distance from you. You two play at being a couple, but he's never indicated he wants what you want out of this. If someone wants to be with you, they don't dance around it for months on end and flat-out ignore you when you try to make plans that could bring you closer together. He was deliberately dodging you. 

12 hours ago, lou_lou82 said:

Maybe the trauma he experienced has made him push me away?

No, that isn't why this is happening. Sure, it might have distracted him recently but this avoidance routine had been happening long before that. 

12 hours ago, lou_lou82 said:

And then I asked  what do you even want from this and he said that he only sees me as a friend.

This is all you need to know. In a sober moment, he was honest, even if it was truth that you didn't want to hear. He obviously regrets telling you he had feelings or that he loved you.  It was crappy of him to say those things, but his words and behaviour now are telling you that he doesn't see this moving further than FWB. 

I'm sorry. You were right to cut him off. In the future, don't get involved with men who are happy to reap  the benefits of a relationship without committing to you at all. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, lou_lou82 said:

Thank you! It is helping me see others opinions.

As a female in this situation, when a man tells you he loves you and has feelings for you repeatedly, you start think he actually means it, even in this situation. I would never say it just to say it, and that is why I never said it back to him. 

As a person if someone expresses loving feelings they very well might mean it, and mean it repeatedly.  Expressing loving feelings is not the same as wanting to be in a relationship with you.  A man who wants to be in a relationship with you -or a person -not just men-will want you to know that directly and simply so that that person doesn't give the wrong impression and risk losing you to someone else.

If you were on an interview and really wanted the job would you just say -or write in a follow up thank you "I liked meeting you and your team so much and loved the office environment."  No - you would say -or also say "I would really like to work with you/have this job."  

He might love you, love being with you, love the benefits of playing at being a couple -he doesn't want the "job" (the example I gave) of being your partner.